Off topic but feeling sad Wedding cancelled

sandown12

Hi I've been with my guy 9 years July coming we have a daughter & a business together
We were meant to be getting Married at Christmas this year church booked
But he wasn't really interested in any of it
He's never been married he's 45 I'm 42 we've been engaged 4 times as he wouldn't marry me numourous reasons but this time he said we will be married.
I started to arrange things asked his help he just kept saying I'll do it next week then that turned into 5 weeks if saying the same
So last night he said there's too many problems so us getting married now isn't ok

So I cancelled the church car registry office notice and reception venue
He was like Why? I said he said he didn't want to marry yet, he said it was my fault keep talking about it?

Now I feel empty 9 years and he I see has a commitment problem
I know I'll probably get trolls shout at me but has anyone else gone through this I love him
So we will stay together but marriage means a lot to me

To leave I'd have to split the family up be homeless and jobless

cowgirlslikeus86

Have you guys ever tried to see a councilor? If you have been together 9 years and have kids and a business, he doesn't have commitment issues. It takes alot of commitment to have those things. There is mostlikely a very specific reason he cannot tie the knot. Maybe even he doesn't know what it is. You could even ask him to go to a councilor by himself. Maybe he needs to do a little self discovering. There could be a previous relationship wether his own or his parents that has caused him to think negetivly of marriage. He needs to figure it out for himself.

To state the obvious, he must love you very much to share his life and livelyhood with your for that last 9 years. See if you can point him in the right direction for help without sounding like a leaky faucet.

Best of luck to you two!

megsmom2

Sorry you're hurting. I agree..getting some couples counseling would probably help a lot..whether it leads to the altar or not

Becoming_A_Butterfly

What has he said is the reason he doesn't want to be married? Do you know what he means by "there are too many problems"? I mean, did you give you specific problems?

chrishgt4

Are you happy? Other than this thing of course, but generally are you happy?

If so, then why is getting married such a big deal?

That question isn't rhetorical by the way...

ArroganceInStep

What part of being married is important to you? The act of getting married? The commitment you make to one another? What?

You can get 'married' without the legal implications, and then choose to do that at a later time. I have some friends who did that, the whole ceremony and everything, just never got the marriage license. They ended up getting married at a justic of the peace a couple years later. Worked for them.

HelloSweetie4

definately find a counselor, the "marry me or I'm leaving" approach will probably screw things up more. Even though you have been together so long and have a child, he could still have commitment issues. Marriage is a big step, no matter how long you've been with someone. Some people need help getting to that point.

yoovie

sounds like being married isnt the problem, sounds like he just doesnt want a wedding. Which is cool, cause thats the least important part of being married. Go to city hall.

cboss101114

It's perfectly normal to feel sad about canceling your wedding. I agree with others, counseling is your best option to figure out why he can't get married but has no issues with other forms of commitment. Maybe he feels it's just too permanent of a commitment... but after 9 years and multiple engagements it's the idea of getting married that seems to freak him out the most. Have you sat down with him and asked him why he feels this way in a calm manner?

sdrawkcabynot

Maybe he just doesn't like planning it. From what I understand - guys could care less... it's the woman's fairy tale - so enlist a brides maid or maid of honor to help you plan it... and just tell him where to pick up his tux and what time to be at the church.

Men are fickle creatures!

jennin2010

Hi,
Completely noraml to feel sad, you wouldn"t be human if you didn't. Your best bet is to see a professional. Please keep in mind there has to be a connection with the counselor to make progess and it can take time. Good luck, keep in touch.
Jennifer

JENJEN2011

If the problem is the wedding then do a destination wedding. Nothing to plan just schedule the wedding and show up with your dress! We did this in Jamaica at Couples Resort and had a fabulous time and the wedding was lovely. Best part...we planned nothing!

MzMiller1215

I don't think that he has an issue with committing because he would have left a long time ago. Some men and women have anxiety about marriage for reasons we may never know. If you believe he loves you, then that's what should matter. If marriage is very importantat to you, then you must assess whether you are willing to accept that you may never be officially married to him or move on; both are very difficult decisions to make.

sandown12

I was married 16 years with my ex 10 married but his drinking became awful I left.

To me it's commitment it shows me he truly loves me , he's has a lot of relationships before me most got to 3 months then he'd end them then there was a 4 year one which was open then an 18 month one for sex his admissions

I wanted to go to registry office were in uk and have 2 witnesses he banged in about a church etc

He says he always wanted to be married but I've had every excuse he can give not too
Too busy. Money . Work. Time.
Then he seemed all keen to go ahead vicar meet us church booked and you know something isn't right with someone they avoid the issue , our problems are he said I neglect him meaning we don't have sex 15 times a week anymore
With 3 children a new business his mum has cancer I am seeing that as another excuse.

Tmi sorry but that's the latest reason

Hes rejected me....... Saying this again and lots knew our wedding date has left me really upset.

I'd like to stay with him but I'm so upset angry that if he's telling me he always wanted to get married but then changed his mind again it's not me who's the one

His parents have been married 57 years his brothers been married 19 years

knitfastpurlyoung

Maybe he just doesn't like planning it. From what I understand - guys could care less... it's the woman's fairy tale - so enlist a brides maid or maid of honor to help you plan it... and just tell him where to pick up his tux and what time to be at the church.

This.

Organising a party or a holiday or well... ANYTHING is my idea of heaven.

Organising a wedding is even more awesome because its full of cool stuff - dresses, cake, hair, make up, music, dancing, shoes, flowers... - but there really isn't much in the organisation of a wedding for a guy (and yes, I realise I'm generalising) to get excited about.

Don't fret, pet. It'll all come out in the wash.

weighlossforbaby

Maybe counseling is a good idea. It sounds to me from all his excuses he doesn't want to get married and he's comfortable the way life is now. I am sorry you're upset and sad about this. If he's worried about money and time there's always city hall and you 2 can get married there. That's what me and my husband did almost 5 years ago cause he we didn't have a lot of money (we couldn't afford rings) but we had eachother.

sandown12

He won't go to any counselling at all he doesn't do talking
He won't get married just us & witnesses I asked
I think he simply doesn't want to marry me , I think it's me as he quotes I've always wanted to get married but when ours was booked he wouldn't talk about it at all not once ?

This effects my weightloss efforts as I've comfort ate in the Past I posted here to try get it out of my system so I don't go back to how I was

sandown12

I don't think that he has an issue with committing because he would have left a long time ago. Some men and women have anxiety about marriage for reasons we may never know. If you believe he loves you, then that's what should matter. If marriage is very importantat to you, then you must assess whether you are willing to accept that you may never be officially married to him or move on; both are very difficult decisions to make.

He adores our daughter that's why he wouldn't leave.
I moved out in 2009 as he did this before he said when we move back in we will Marry this year 2012 ?
Seems it was untrue and if I leave I tear our family up and I will have no home or job

brandneweyesnd

Are you happy? Other than this thing of course, but generally are you happy?

If so, then why is getting married such a big deal?

That question isn't rhetorical by the way...

Agreed.

Emancipated_Tai

LEAVE!! You need to understand this man will NEVER marry you. You will either be unhappy in this situation or happy out of it. Of course you have to start planning to leave, don't just walk into a shelter in the middle of the night. Once your at a point where you have enough to sustain than make your move.

kayemme

Have you guys ever tried to see a councilor? If you have been together 9 years and have kids and a business, he doesn't have commitment issues. It takes alot of commitment to have those things. There is mostlikely a very specific reason he cannot tie the knot. Maybe even he doesn't know what it is.

agreed; he doesn't lack commitment.

DopeItUp

In the end, marriage is just a piece of paper that doesn't mean anything by itself. If you're happy with the long-term relationship then why not enjoy it? If he doesn't want to get married you can't force him.It sounds like he's very committed so in the end it seems like a pretty minor thing.

sandown12

Are you happy? Other than this thing of course, but generally are you happy?

If so, then why is getting married such a big deal?

That question isn't rhetorical by the way...

Agreed.

Yes but this has made me feel have we a future?
He says ges always wanted to marry but avoids it so am I just ok for now & not forever?

juicemoogan

If you have been together 9 years you are already legally a married couple.. common law couple (at least in Canada, not sure about UK).

I've been with my guy 4 years.. i don't want to get married.. I'm perfectly happy being together, living together, spending our lives together... For some people a party or a legal piece of paper doesn't change the fact that you love each other so what is the difference. This may also be his attitude.. Because that's how i feel.

tinksmommy2006

Maybe he just doesn't like planning it. From what I understand - guys could care less... it's the woman's fairy tale - so enlist a brides maid or maid of honor to help you plan it... and just tell him where to pick up his tux and what time to be at the church.

Men are fickle creatures!

this is what i did to my husband...married 6 years as of yesterday...together 10. he says it was the best decision i ever made for him...lol

sathor

just elope. get him out somewhere, get him to agree and get it done with before he can change him mind, you have to have somewhere in the UK like 'Vegas' that does that kind of thing, right?

_HeartsOnFire_

Out of curiosity, why is getting married so important to you? (Which I will understand, that's what I want as well, even though some of my friends say "oh it's just a piece of paper").

My other question, aside from this marriage thing, are you really happy in the relationship?

sandown12

LEAVE!! You need to understand this man will NEVER marry you. You will either be unhappy in this situation or happy out of it. Of course you have to start planning to leave, don't just walk into a shelter in the middle of the night. Once your at a point where you have enough to sustain than make your move.

I did in 2009 for 2.5 years we saw each other still
I moved back in as he said we would marry.
Should of made sure we were married first.

farfalledibaciodinotte

AMEN. honestly I understand it's ever girls dream to have a white wedding and such but it's really not important unless you feel the need to gather your families and the community to share your commitment with them in a house of God.I personally believe the whole shindig is a waste of time and money.. you could spend that money elsewhere such as your childs education. you should see if he is willing to do a courthouse wedding, maybe you could have a backyard barbeque or something to celebrate the ceremony... much luck to you

slsmoot123

I'm going to be the dissenter in this group and say, get rid of this dude. He's not even trying to meet you half way. You can do bad all by yourself. You can be in business by yourself and find a way to live on your own. You can find happiness without him and maybe even meet someone else that is a nice guy. When a man tells you the truth, believe him.

basillowe66

Hi, Well you have to decide if you want to stay in this relationship and NEVER get married, or take your chances. If your picture is recent and accurate ,it doesn't look like you would have any probelms finding someone else. Face it, you have to get out or stay in a relationship that isn't going anywhere. You could stay in the relationship until you find some one else!

Basil