Off topic but feeling sad Wedding cancelled

hkevans724

sounds like being married isnt the problem, sounds like he just doesnt want a wedding. Which is cool, cause thats the least important part of being married. Go to city hall.

I Agree. sounds to me like all the wedding and mess that goes along with it is just a hassle and he just doesn't want to be bothered with it. If it's that important to you be married then ask if he would rather just go to the courthouse and make it legal that way. Weddings are very expensive and time consuming and stressful. I got married in a courthouse, 8 years ago this une, and I do not regret at all not having a wedding. Good Luck to you!

LauraSmyth28

I feel pretty much how you do sandown. We've been together 5 years and have planned our wedding twice. The first time we cancelled because I was pregnant, that was fine and it was a mutual decision. The second time we planned for was 17th of May just gone but he walked out last September saying he wasn't happy. He came back after a week begging forgiveness but we didn't get back together until Christmas. We have two kids (one is my son from a previous relationship) and it's very important for me to be married. I want the security and I want us to stand up in front of everyone and say we love each other. Sound silly, but after our temporary break it's especially important to me. He's now talking about us having another baby and I've told him that under no circumstances will I have another child until we're married. The problem now is money, he was let go from his job a couple of months ago and took another one for far less pay, so we really can't afford a wedding. I'd love to just go to a registery office and do it, but he won't.

I wrote all that just so you know you're not alone in your feelings. Last Thursday (17th May) killed me, I was in tears half of the day. Has your partner got money worries he hasn't told you about maybe? Would that be the reason for cold feet?

(((hugs)))

WhittRak

*******When a man shows you who he is, that my darling, is who he IS. Period.*********

My mother has always said this..and it is soooo true!

eriemer

Something inside me is shouting right now "DON'T EVEN COMMENT!"

But I can't resist. Plus, you asked for advise it seems.

"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got"

If you don't change the situation, which after 9 yrs you've never done! You're either going to have to change your expectations and forget about marriage or move on. PERIOD.

Obviously from your post your not going anywhere so PUT UP AND SHUT UP.

Why do ppl constantly air their dirty laudry and ask for advice online? The person you should be dealing with your relationship with is the other half of your relationship.

Tall_E

I agree that either you need to see a counselor together or you need to see one yourself to figure out why you're settling for less than what you really want. In the meantime, start working on becoming more financially independent so, no matter what happens, you're not homeless or without money. Besides, it's good for your child to see you be self sufficient and happy.

lamos1

I didn't read all of the responses, but I wouldn't leave him just because he doesn't want to get married. It's more to life that a marriage certificate. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years and and in the beginning I wanted to get married but as time went on I realized I didn't want to. The relationship is fine as it is. We love each other have 2 kids together are together 24/7 and are happy. We don't need a certificate to show that we are committed to each other.

Marriage isn't meant for everybody. But this is your choice, if marriage is important to you then find someone who wants to get married, but if it isnt' as important just be thankful for the relationship and family that you have.

chachita7

what is marriage? and what will he be doing differently once you are married? 9 years together <--- saying he doesn't want to commit would be a bit too much...

I don't believe in marriage - though I have been married for 19 yrs - justice of the peace - just he, my mom, his dad, the 2 witnesses and me - he was military so it was a must -- a piece of paper makes no difference..

Just my silly lil thoughts - the man obviously loves you and you already have a family together

Tracey0013

I totally feel for you and your daughter. I know it hurts but think about how it is affecting your daughter. How she is seeing you go through this and how she is seeing how a woman is being treated. She will take away how to deal with relationships from her parents. For her sake I think separating would be a good (I know very hard) thing to do. You two need to be healthy not only in body but in mind.

I hope whatever you end up doing you and your daughter are happy and healthy.

opus649

I guess in the United States it's impossible for a gay person to make a commitment to his/her partner... since they can't get married and all...

tomomatic

Call me crazy... I sorta think that you had expectations from him and he should've known that. You've made it loud and clear.

Now he seems awfully nonchalant about wedding stuff, but have you told him when/where he needs to be? Some guys don't understand the demands of a wedding. For those guys, they're probably like "Why not go to the courthouse and get it done!? or even better, VEGAS!" If he has this kind of expectation for a wedding, then maybe you should've let him know what he needs to do. He's probably not a mind reader. He might be willing to move mountains for you but you've gotta tell him which mountain you want moved.

I don't really know your situation or his mindset. But I do know that kicking the man to the curb is the answer. You guys just sound like you need to work on your communications.

stubbysticks

I didn't really see a question in the OP but you need to stop being a victim. You may have convinced yourself you are "trapped" or have "no other options" but that's not the case. There are several different ways this could go:

1. You stay with this man & keep whining about him not doing what you want, i.e. marrying you
2. You stay with this man, accept him the way he is (including the fact that he is perfectly entitled to not want to get married), appreciate the other things you love about him & decide that being married isn't that big a deal
3. You decide marriage is too important to you & you can't continue being with him if he won't marry you. Since you can't force him to marry you, this means you'd leave him & find another source of income & new housing. Guess what, people do that all the time. It's not the end of the world.

My money's on #1, but as Tracey said your daughter will learn how to deal with relationships from you. Your happiness ultimately rests with YOU, not this boyfriend of yours. If you are going to stay with him, then stop complaining & accept him as the flawed being that he is. You're not perfect either. If you decide you're going to be happy in your relationship, you will be.

If you decide to leave him, be happy about that too. Embrace the challenge of being independent & breaking free of an upsetting situation & make things happen.

Vaprep

I feel for your situation, and for you. Relationships are hard and only you have the answers. But here are a few questions that you could think about.

Do you want to be married, or do you want a wedding? Two entirely different things, and people get them confused sometimes. Do you want to be married, or do you want to be married to him? Does he not want to be married, or does he not want a wedding? And if it's marriage he is resisting, does he not want to be married, or does he not want to be married to you?

What you have to decide is, do you love him or just the idea of being married? Does he love you, or just the idea of having someone around? Do you have fun together? Do you talk and laugh and share your ideas, plans and dreams? Are things good other than this? Other than the license, are you content? Can you live with exactly who he is now?

Wanting to be married is a legitimate desire, and it is possible that if you were to allow yourself to be free, you might find someone who not only wants to be married, but wants to be married to you, and shares your goals and dreams. You and your boyfriend both should have what you want, but you might have to accept that you can't have it together. Or maybe you can. Ask him some questions and see if you can discover how much your happiness means to him and on what things he might be willing to compromise.

gomisskellygo

You should not have to be begging to get married. You should not have to be coming up with a million different ways to get him to say yes (or show up). You need to respect your own wishes and desires. You need to teach your child not to settle for less. He doesn't want to get married, you do. That's an issue. Since it's an issue to you.

It's not commitment issues, I think it is control.

My opinion, since you asked for advice is...leave.

My experience..we've been together 15 years and married for 8. It was a mutual choice to get married. No begging or manipulating.

moejo3

Out of curiosity, why is getting married so important to you? (Which I will understand, that's what I want as well, even though some of my friends say "oh it's just a piece of paper").

My other question, aside from this marriage thing, are you really happy in the relationship?

Excellent question!!

To me it proper commitment , happy other than this yes
He even said us being married is the final part we will be complete a proper family then in a flash he bolts and changes his mind saying he doesn't want to get married so I cancel
It and he's like 'WHAT' then I say you said so he said yes but it's your fault
He doesn't do 'talking' communication isn't a string point where as I am
Very open to solving things if there's a tiff he'll stonewall & sulk I talk ha so that's why it's my fault he doesn't want to talk through things?

I just realized that this is the same man that didn't want you leaving the house 2x a week to do a zumba class. You need to do something about this relationship. it's actually scarey how controlling and manipulative he seems to be!

I think some therapy is an excellent idea however, I get the feeling that he will not agree to it. Perhaps you should go to a few sessions alone and find out where you are at. In the end you have to be happy with your life. It is important to have supportive people around you. Therapy will also give you some coping skills for many of life's tricky situations.

If it is expenses that he doesn't want to get into then a quick trip to Reno or Vegas would be fun. If it isn't then you have to ask yourself what more you want out of the relationship or if you can be satisfied with where you are at. Best of luck!

karins4

Thanks for all your replies I've read them all bu as said only he knows why and he won't truly say
Lpoking deeper into this he doesn't like me going out alone ie Zumba or coffee with my mum
And btw the poster who said I called him a bad man I never have?

He seems insecure and I suppose he maybe thinking I'll leave him and he'll lose X amount if divorced ?

He was cheated on by his first love and she left him he was very very low and since then he has commitment issues

I will not comfort eat I will plan a future but I will explain to him how much he's hurt me again, he'll reply it's my fault keep on

x

You guys are together 24x7 and he has a problem you going to Zumba twice a week or having coffee with your mom? He's got issues if he doesn't like you to leave his side for a minute and marriage won't solve that. Sounds like trust issues after what his ex did but again those are his issues not yours and he needs to deal with them.

Be careful that you don't end up isolating yourself out of guilt or to avoid upsetting him. If he refuses to do counseling you should try going by yourself. He/She may be able to help you determine what's best for you.

_HeartsOnFire_

Thanks for all your replies I've read them all bu as said only he knows why and he won't truly say
Lpoking deeper into this he doesn't like me going out alone ie Zumba or coffee with my mum
And btw the poster who said I called him a bad man I never have?

He seems insecure and I suppose he maybe thinking I'll leave him and he'll lose X amount if divorced ?

He was cheated on by his first love and she left him he was very very low and since then he has commitment issues

I will not comfort eat I will plan a future but I will explain to him how much he's hurt me again, he'll reply it's my fault keep on

x

You guys are together 24x7 and he has a problem you going to Zumba twice a week or having coffee with your mom? He's got issues if he doesn't like you to leave his side for a minute and marriage won't solve that. Sounds like trust issues after what his ex did but again those are his issues not yours and he needs to deal with them.

Be careful that you don't end up isolating yourself out of guilt or to avoid upsetting him. If he refuses to do counseling you should try going by yourself. He/She may be able to help you determine what's best for you.

I agree 100% with Karins4. Well said.

rprussell2004

Make him eat more fiber.

Everything is clearer when you're having regular bowel movements.

itontae

you have to respect his position.
I don't want to get married EVER , and will never ever marry my partner , the father of my children. WE've been together for 15 years and there is no way I'll marry him .

sandown12

If you took the time to reply with such 'good' advice ? Wouldn't it be best to read the op?

I didn't really see a question in the OP but you need to stop being a victim. You may have convinced yourself you are "trapped" or have "no other options" but that's not the case. There are several different ways this could go:

1. You stay with this man & keep whining about him not doing what you want, i.e. marrying you
2. You stay with this man, accept him the way he is (including the fact that he is perfectly entitled to not want to get married), appreciate the other things you love about him & decide that being married isn't that big a deal
3. You decide marriage is too important to you & you can't continue being with him if he won't marry you. Since you can't force him to marry you, this means you'd leave him & find another source of income & new housing. Guess what, people do that all the time. It's not the end of the world.

My money's on #1, but as Tracey said your daughter will learn how to deal with relationships from you. Your happiness ultimately rests with YOU, not this boyfriend of yours. If you are going to stay with him, then stop complaining & accept him as the flawed being that he is. You're not perfect either. If you decide you're going to be happy in your relationship, you will be.

If you decide to leave him, be happy about that too. Embrace the challenge of being independent & breaking free of an upsetting situation & make things happen.

sandown12

Something inside me is shouting right now "DON'T EVEN COMMENT!"

But I can't resist. Plus, you asked for advise it seems.

"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got"

If you don't change the situation, which after 9 yrs you've never done! You're either going to have to change your expectations and forget about marriage or move on. PERIOD.

Obviously from your post your not going anywhere so PUT UP AND SHUT UP.

Why do ppl constantly air their dirty laudry and ask for advice online? The person you should be dealing with your relationship with is the other half of your relationship.

Since you seem to detest people airing they're dirty laundry in public it seems odd you just had to read this and make a comment that wasn't important !
Agreed my partner should be dealing with this with me but like millions of people he can't seem to so you slate people for asking for help from people with experience of the same? So you also slate people seeking counselling ?
Mmmmm