Off topic but feeling sad Wedding cancelled

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  • _Timmeh_
    _Timmeh_ Posts: 2,096 Member
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    Then don't get married.
    His parents have been married 57 years his brothers been married 19 years
    Big shoes to fill or be compared to.
  • theartichoke
    theartichoke Posts: 816 Member
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    Does he treat you and your daughter well? Is he a good man? That's all that matters in the end. I applaud you for not wanting to break your family up over this. I know this is something you desire in your heart of hearts. Is he normally a bit shy or reserved? Does he have a large circle of friends he interacts with consistently? I'm married but the thought of having a big wedding with all those people and the fluff that went with it terrified me. I refused to marry my fiance because of how miserable the thought of a wedding was to me. We ended up getting married at his parents home with our closest family there. It was still uncomfortable and I don't remember much of the day. I'm glad I'm married but would have loved to skip that whole mess. Maybe a compromise can be reached someday? You can still be a beautiful bride just the two of you on a beach. Maybe it's the big ordeal of it all that he doesn't like?
  • marieautumn
    marieautumn Posts: 932 Member
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    if you want to be married, then you have to leave because this guy has proved he does not want that.
    if you can live a happy life without marriage then stay and accept it for what it is.
    if it were me, i'd leave.
  • rbn_held
    rbn_held Posts: 682 Member
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    Are you truely happy? If so then there is nothing wrong with the way it is. If you really want to be married and will not truely be happy until you do so then you have to make the decision to either live the way it is knowing marriage is not in the cards or find someone who is willing to give you what you want. My boyfriend was married once and had a bad divorce and told me up front that he probably will not want to get married again. This is fine with me and I have no problem with it. I am glad he was upfront and told me before we got really serious and then sprung it on me. Hope everything works out for you
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
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    Out of curiosity, why is getting married so important to you? (Which I will understand, that's what I want as well, even though some of my friends say "oh it's just a piece of paper").

    My other question, aside from this marriage thing, are you really happy in the relationship?

    Excellent question!!

    To me it proper commitment , happy other than this yes
    He even said us being married is the final part we will be complete a proper family then in a flash he bolts and changes his mind saying he doesn't want to get married so I cancel
    It and he's like 'WHAT' then I say you said so he said yes but it's your fault
    He doesn't do 'talking' communication isn't a string point where as I am
    Very open to solving things if there's a tiff he'll stonewall & sulk I talk ha so that's why it's my fault he doesn't want to talk through things?
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    Why have a wedding? Maybe that is really his problem. Why not just go down to the courthouse? Or you could just accept that your relationship is the way that it is, and let it go.

    Sorry, love! Don't know if I'm much help.
  • Laura_emoore
    Laura_emoore Posts: 11
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    Marriage doesn't equal forever. You could get married today and then suddenly be divorced a year from now. I see it happen so often in peoples lives that they have been together for so many years, then they get married and it changes the relationship and it ends up in divorce anyways.

    You have a family and a business together. You're already living as married.

    I have to agree with others. Get couples counseling. Find out why marriage isn't important to him and he can find out why marriage is so important to you.
  • CookieCrumble
    CookieCrumble Posts: 221 Member
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    'Common law marriage' doesn't exist in the UK.

    I'm so sorry that you're upset, OP. I don't think he wants to get married, whatever he says, because if he did, he would. In your position, I would tell people in a matter-of-fact manner that you've decided against it - and stick by it. Don't let this man play 'push me, pull you' with you anymore, it's not fair.

    You have children together, they are legally protected but you should both make Wills to ensure that the children are safeguarded. I would see a solicitor about this and, if your man won't do that as a basic formality, I would ask HIM to leave and start re-building my life, whilst preserving the childrens' relationship with their father if this is what they want.

    Don't play his games anymore - he IS playing them and it's pathetic. You deserve better and one day you'll realise this. See a solicitor now and found out where you stand. The situation is not as dire as you think it is but take your poor bruised heart out of the equation and be coldly practical.
  • PiperMommy11
    PiperMommy11 Posts: 56
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    Out of curiosity, why is getting married so important to you? (Which I will understand, that's what I want as well, even though some of my friends say "oh it's just a piece of paper").

    My other question, aside from this marriage thing, are you really happy in the relationship?

    Excellent question!!

    To me it proper commitment , happy other than this yes
    He even said us being married is the final part we will be complete a proper family then in a flash he bolts and changes his mind saying he doesn't want to get married so I cancel
    It and he's like 'WHAT' then I say you said so he said yes but it's your fault
    He doesn't do 'talking' communication isn't a string point where as I am
    Very open to solving things if there's a tiff he'll stonewall & sulk I talk ha so that's why it's my fault he doesn't want to talk through things?

    I just realized that this is the same man that didn't want you leaving the house 2x a week to do a zumba class. You need to do something about this relationship. it's actually scarey how controlling and manipulative he seems to be!
  • osugirl96
    osugirl96 Posts: 3 Member
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    I don't know what is going on in his head, but I can feel your pain about him not going through with the actual wedding. I don't think you just want the big wedding with the dress and all that, it seems like you desire to have the commitment and stability of a family for yourself and your child. You are tied to this man through your child, business, home and it's only natural to want the final piece of the puzzle.

    I think counseling is great advice, but for you. I'm guessing if he doesn't want to discuss marriage he won't want to see a counselor about it either. However, you might really feel better if you have someone outside of your friends and family to discuss this with. In the end you have to take care of yourself because constantly being upset about this won't be good for anyone involved.

    I wish you the best of luck in finding your happiness either with or without this man.
  • Jtorres326
    Jtorres326 Posts: 157 Member
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    I was that person who didn't ever want to get married. Marriage was a piece of paper and an expensive ceremony. If we're happy why would we need to be married. My boyfriend at the time was point blank in how important he felt marriage was. Since it meant so much to him and not as much to me, I married him. I figured I already want to spend my life with this man, why not give him something he felt was so important: a marriage license. My husband and I ended up going to the justice of the peace to do it. I still didn't understand why it meant so much to him or what difference it made until my mom got sick. My mom was seriously ill in the hospital, ventilator, nearly on life support and my father didn't have a single say in her medical care. They have been together 32 years, never married and there is no common law recognition in most states, including NY where I live. It broke my heart to see my father not be able to make medical decisions for his wife. He was heartbroken because he felt invalidated.

    I never knew how important a "piece of paper" could be until that moment. Maybe he feels you are pressuring him too much. Maybe if you explained these implications, he would be more receptive. There are so many rights associated with being married that you don't realize until you are denied them.
  • SeasideOasis
    SeasideOasis Posts: 1,057 Member
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    Mind if I ask 'why' marriage means so much to do?

    Seems like the whole marriage thing is what tosses wrenches in the relationship. Also, is it getting married he has a problem with or just doesn't want the hassle of a wedding?

    My boyfriend has said to me a million times that marriage is not on the top of his list. I know this. Therefore, if he ever gets the itch - Yea for me. If not, the fact he is so open with me about it keeps me from getting 'hurt feeling' or 'wondering what wrong with me'. He and I have a wonderful relationship and do everything a married couple would - minus actually being married, that is.

    If getting married is that important to you, but not on the list of his 'to-dos', it might not be the right match. However, getting to the real root cause might help you a lot. My opinion, talk openly about what the problems are. Dont cry, get hurt feeling, etc. Just sit there, listen to what he has to say and see how you can better your relationship from it.

    In the end, remember, a piece of paper doesn't make a relationship - Two people caring for one another IS what makes it.
  • sculley
    sculley Posts: 2,012 Member
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    You posted an issue not too long ago with him. I don't know it seems to me getting married will never be "right" for him. I am worried there is a deeper issue than what he is telling you. Being engaged numerous times and it never happens, and then blaming you for talking about it??? I hope and pray you have some relief and figure things out.
  • BeetleChe13
    BeetleChe13 Posts: 498 Member
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    I agree that counseling or at least communication could help you two decide one way or another. He definitely seems too withdrawn and stubborn to go to counseling, so just try to talk to him. Let him know you are serious and have an important thing to discuss. Make sure he is listening. Talk to him about how you feel, including about when you moved out and he said you would get married. Also, listen to anything he has to say. If he doesn't open up to you, you're going to get nowhere. Some men aren't good at communicating, but they at least have to be open. He seems very closed-off and unwilling to cooperate. If you can't work through this, I don't see how a healthy marriage would be possible.
  • HotCuppaJo
    HotCuppaJo Posts: 477 Member
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    LEAVE!! You need to understand this man will NEVER marry you. You will either be unhappy in this situation or happy out of it. Of course you have to start planning to leave, don't just walk into a shelter in the middle of the night. Once your at a point where you have enough to sustain than make your move.

    ^^^^ Totally agree with this post!
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
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    Out of curiosity, why is getting married so important to you? (Which I will understand, that's what I want as well, even though some of my friends say "oh it's just a piece of paper").

    My other question, aside from this marriage thing, are you really happy in the relationship?

    Excellent question!!

    To me it proper commitment , happy other than this yes
    He even said us being married is the final part we will be complete a proper family then in a flash he bolts and changes his mind saying he doesn't want to get married so I cancel
    It and he's like 'WHAT' then I say you said so he said yes but it's your fault
    He doesn't do 'talking' communication isn't a string point where as I am
    Very open to solving things if there's a tiff he'll stonewall & sulk I talk ha so that's why it's my fault he doesn't want to talk through things?

    I just realized that this is the same man that didn't want you leaving the house 2x a week to do a zumba class. You need to do something about this relationship. it's actually scarey how controlling and manipulative he seems to be!

    Yes it is that's why I'm more confused why not marry someone your scared of going out on they're own incase they meet someone else?
  • JoniBologna
    JoniBologna Posts: 653 Member
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    I usually don't respond to these kind of threads, but I immediately remembered you from before. You started a thread before in which you were saying he was trying to stop you from leaving the house to do zumba. The "trolls" you speak of were people who were telling you he was imbalanced and unhealthy, and that you should leave him. In my opinion, they were right, and you just weren't hearing what you wanted to hear. I, also, remember from before that you were discrediting anyone who was younger than you or not in a relationship as long. I may be younger than you, but I have received more abuse from men than you could probably grasp. After years of therapy, I finally realized my happiness is first.
    It is pretty obvious to me, and many other impartial bystanders, that this man is unhealthy. You deserve to be treated the way you want, and you deserve to be happy. Don't settle for anything less. Your happiness, needs, desires, are completely valid and very important! Sounds like some counseling would be very beneficial to you both. If he doesn't want to do it, which is a huge red flag in my opinion, you should at least go get some yourself. Take care.
  • jpuderbaugh
    jpuderbaugh Posts: 318 Member
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    Marriage is not "just a piece of paper". Marriage can provide a feeling of stability in either person. Marriage would mean that you would have rights and a say if God forbid anything should happen to him. There's just something about being "Mrs." that just feels good, and right. Looking down at my ring produces memories of our long engagement period. Reminds me of the night we got the ring off layaway (I designed my own ring.)

    I myself hated knowing that when I was only his fiance or girlfriend, should anything have happened to him, his evil ***** mom would've had a say over everything. (there are many issues here with that demonic creature, don't ask). But being his wife now, it all falls on me, not her (not that she is allowed in our life anymore). We had lived together for so many years before our wedding, that after the wedding, nothing felt different. But as year #2 is approaching, I have noticed changes in our relationship because we are married now. They are very small, but I have noticed them.
  • jesusHchris
    jesusHchris Posts: 1,405 Member
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    I've never really been into marriage either. I had a really long term girlfriend and we discussed this. She mentioned that one day maybe we could have a wedding-type ceremony where there would be all of our friends and family and she could dress up and have an awesome day.

    Maybe some sort of compromise like this?

    Either way, sorry to hear you are bummed out and hope you get through it ok.
  • free2live72003
    free2live72003 Posts: 186
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    There are things worse than "no job" and "no house". One being "non self-esteem: and another "no love".

    I might not choose to make a rash decision and leave abruptly, but I would definately begin to establish a new life for me and my child that did not include living and working with my child's father.

    I would immediately begin to look for another job. Once secured, I would then look for housing I could afford on my new salary. Then I would move out and only have relationship with this man in a way that fostered a healthy relationship for my child with her father.

    Then, I would look for a TRUE LOVE, and LIFE PARTNER for myself that I could trust and that wanted to be honest and desire tp meet my needs as well as their own.

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