Would you move anywhere for your lover?
Replies
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Within reason I'd move for him. Together I think we'd communicate and weigh the pros and cons of moving... We would work together to do what was best for us as a family.
^^This
We've actually talked about moving since my husband makes much more than I do and his job is coming to an end. Although I'm not the primary "bread winner" in the household, I have been with the same company for 15 years so I'm over halfway to retirement and have great benefits. I have the type of job that is not easily transferable to a similiar job, so if we moved I would basically be starting over. We would definitely have to list the pros and cons before making any decisions.0 -
Mom mode kicking in here, since I see how young you are - I have many questions...
You said you up and moved for him once already fairly recently....Does he have a history of moving around a lot? For a good job or military I can understand this but if it's a whimsical move - that's a red flag
Does he have a job currently? Do you?
Will he be able to find a job easily or does he have something lined up? Do you?
Where are you planning on living? Do you have the logistics worked out yet?
Does he have a stable job/work history?
You also mentioned a horrific event that happened to you. Is he aware of this? Is he taking your feelings into consideration by pressing this move?
Is money an issue? You said that you tentatively agreed to this move but you need to save so I'm guessing it is. You feel you need to wait and save....he should COMPROMISE (a very important word in relationships) and wait until you both are financially in a position to do this. After all you do have a daughter to consider too.
Love and relationships do not mean you have to blindly run into the fire to prove your love. Compromise is a better way to prove your commitment to each other.
If you are seeing red flags with this move then listen to your heart and your head.0 -
If I could convince my ex-husband to let me keep the kid, then hell yes!!!!0
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If I was fearful of a place, then no, I would not move back. You will not forget about the crime that was committed against you and shame on him for being insenstitve to why you do not want to move back.
Does he know you saw the "man" in the store last year? And that he laughed at you?
Yes, I was hysterical for weeks.0 -
"I'll eventually forget my past there I guess."
No. You won't. Ever.
If I were you (and I'm not), Austin would be out of the question. I read your responses, can relate with not wanting to be ANYWHERE near your rapist and I am begging you not to compromise if you feel this way. DO NOT GO BACK TO AUSTIN. What if you ran into him again and you were with your child? No, NO, NO!
Please, no! :frown:
Edit: Typos0 -
I don´t blame you for not wanting to move.I would absolutely move with my boyfriend if it worked for both of us. We were going to move to Louisiana because it would be easier to find a job. But we didn't want to move if we didn't have something set up for both of us.
We try to think about which situation would be best for both of us.
I personally don't think it's fair to say "You have to do [xyz] or we're through"
Yeah, I sure as hell didn't like that either. I said, um, is this an ultimatum? He said "no, but you keep saying **** that makes it sound like we will be here for longer."
Then I assured him that we could move when we have saved and more importantly found a place to go.
He really wants to go back to Austin, but I have a great reason not to, as I was raped there and my rapist was free and I saw him at a store a year later and he laughed at me. I will NEVER feel free from him there honestly, but I will go back with the best of hopes if I have to.
And he can't understand why you don't want to move back??? I'm kinda speechless as far as that goes.
I'm sorry you had to go through that, I hope you're better now
Thank you, and I AM much better, I did years of counseling etc. He says he understands (which he can't possibly understand, right?) but he promises that he will keep me safe or get that guy if he ever sees him etc. But it's not about that, it's more about me having to run from my car to the door everyday because I was scared, avoiding the entire south side of town, and not going places alone at night. Those things have completely gone away now that I am in Durango. I feel safe here. He says we can check out other places to live too, but keeps mentioning how he wants to move back to Austin.0 -
Hmmmm.....
Dont know then....sounds like you 2 have opposite tastes in environments. If you wont be happy going where he wants to go, I dont know if just the relationship alone is enough to keep you 2 together. But if you DO go with him and find you cant do it, have a backup plan so you arent stuck somewhere you dont want to stay.
I know, we realized this a while back, in November when we got here actually and were pretty upset about it. But we have a daughter, so legally neither of us can move without permission. Ha!
I already know how this goes down though, we talk about other places besides Austin that we can move for a few months, we TRY to save enough to visit other places and check them out, he gets tired of Durango, and we move back to Austin. I should just save myself the worry and go back when we have the chance. He really loves it there. I'll eventually forget my past there I guess.
This is really sad to me to hear you say that you will eventually forget your past there. You have a real reason for not wanting to go back (which is completely understandable) and it doesn't sounds like there is a clear reason why your bf wants to be back there (sorry don't count music as being a "real" reason). I could understand if he had a better job (or something to make your lives together better) waiting for him there. He should wants what's best for you & should understand why you don't want to be there. There has to be compromise in every relationship and it sounds like you are the only one compromising..
He says there are also more job opportunities in which you can work your way up there..which is true. Like any large city!0 -
I would go anywhere with my husband.0
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Just wondering what other married people, people with kids, and people in serious relationships would do for a lover.
I feel a bit unloved at the moment due to my man saying he cannot stay in the relationship if I am not willing to move.
Especially offended since I have already told him that I don't mind moving next year when money is saved etc.
I love him to death and would move to Zimbabwe or the equator with him if it made him happy. =(
I have not read all three pages, but if your reasoning is money, not to be nosey, but do you share a bank account or are they separate? If they are separate, explain you don't have much extra now, so if he is willing to pitch in more financially to achieve his goal, than let him know you are on board.0 -
Hunny, you are worth too much to go back to that awful place! You deserve much more than to be scared everyday...If he wants to move to a city area, okay but not there and he needs to realize you are not comfortable going back there, have you told him that?0
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Unless there's a ring on my finger, I'm staying where I am.
Where did he get this idea that you wouldn't move for him?
He says sometime I refer to our daughter being older and doing things like skiing here and stuff. I disliked Austin and don't want to go back to any huge crime infested city again, but I will for him.
Austin is not crime infested...0 -
No. This is just in my imaginary relationship, but he works in NY and I work in LA and I love where I live, so I just make him fly over here every couple weeks. Then again, this may not be the most practical solution, as it happens in my imagination.0
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As long as we had a plan and the financial ability yes well I know my wife would not move to Alaska well if the money were right she would. She would have to be in florida 9 out of those 12 months though lol. But yes within reason.0
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My husband is from southern CA, we live in the Pacific NW near my family. He really doesn't like the culture or the weather, but he's willing to stick it out with me (for now) because I'm so much at home here. A relationship is a two-way street. I would certainly be willing to move elsewhere with him if it would make him happy (and he had a job lined up), but I would seriously question our relationship if he wasn't willing to do the same for me.0
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You could move to Lockhart, south of Austin, small town, 25 minutes from DT Austin.0
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I did move for my husband of 23 years, 20 years ago. My oldest son was a Senior, and I wanted to let him finish school with his friends, but my THEN husband said no, we need to move right away for a job oppertunity. So, being a good wife, or as I look back, stupid wife, I left my family and the kids and I moved for him. Little did I know, he was moving to PA to follow his lover(didn't know he had one of those!!!) and 10 months later, said he wanted a divorce, left us for her, and he moved back to our home town left us penniless and homeless. Can you tell I am still just a bit bitter??????:mad:
:explode: 0 -
husband - yes
anything less than that ... maybe, if I was able to secure a job there
but if he said "either move with me or it's over", then I would question our relationship A LOT0 -
Im a military spouse. My husband is a Marine and has been for 8 years. We have been together 4 and married 3 with a 3 year old. I have moved from Ohio (born and raised) to NC for two years... Almost to Japan for 3 years (last min they sent him alone for a year) so I moved back to Ohio for a year now we're in Illinois for 3 years.
So yes I would say I would do anything to be with the one I love. By no way it is easy bc I have to give up everything I worked for at the state we were at and start new, new house, new career, new friends. But i made the decision to do anything with him when we got married. I knew he would have to travel every few years and I married him anyway... So If I';m unhappy its my choice to be unhappy bc i signed up for this relationship.0 -
I Moved to oklahoma from va beach to be with my husband who was my bf at the time. he took a job here and we were apart. I came to visit him and really did not like the area but I loved him and thats all that matters. 11 years and 2 kids later Id move all over again.0
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I would move for my husband too! Anywhere! BUT you are not married so I think for him to want you to move he needs to marry you AND not move back to the same place your rapist lives! How can he even want to go back there knowing that freaking creep is not behind bars! Maybe convince him to move somewhere else?
I agree. I guess since it happened months before he and I met, it doesn't seem as real to him as it does me. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt me that he wants to go THERE so badly instead of finding a new place.
Have you told him this is why you don't want to go back there? If my man knew I'd been raped and I was scared to go back to the city I was raped in he would NEVER want to go back there.
Seems as though he's being overly selfish and if he had a heart and you explained this was why you didn't want to go back he would want to pick a new city. If he doesn't... well it's time to re-evaluate your relationship.0 -
I would move for my husband but there would be discussion as to the why's and how's of a move especially since we have a school aged child.
We married in Denver and after I lost my job (I made more than him) we decided to move back to Illinois which is where I'm from. The move allowed him to go to school full time and work part time to help with the bills and allowed me to work full time in my field making more than in Denver. It was a win-win situation.0 -
Hmmmm.....
Dont know then....sounds like you 2 have opposite tastes in environments. If you wont be happy going where he wants to go, I dont know if just the relationship alone is enough to keep you 2 together. But if you DO go with him and find you cant do it, have a backup plan so you arent stuck somewhere you dont want to stay.
I know, we realized this a while back, in November when we got here actually and were pretty upset about it. But we have a daughter, so legally neither of us can move without permission. Ha!
I already know how this goes down though, we talk about other places besides Austin that we can move for a few months, we TRY to save enough to visit other places and check them out, he gets tired of Durango, and we move back to Austin. I should just save myself the worry and go back when we have the chance. He really loves it there. I'll eventually forget my past there I guess.
What about San Antonio? You've probably been there before, so there's no need to go check it out, it's close enough to Austin to get all the hipsters he wants to rub elbows with, and you don't have to run into your rapist in the grocery store.0 -
I am not sure. I think it takes a village to make me happy and if that village was only HIM, it would be so hard for him to be my everything and not fair. I know you can make new friends and find fulfilling work in a new place, but that is a lot to hope for and when you move FOR someone, you might resent not having your friends or a job you love and start to resent that person making you move.
You said you would move anywhere, but now now? I should read other responses before I jump in...0 -
Oi, sorry, sorry, just read about being raped. My aunt was raped in Denver, CO and still lives there. Idk, scary people can be anywhere, could you get a restraining order if you moved back? I understand feeling safe, but it is an illusion. Best of luck, sorry.0
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Mom mode kicking in here, since I see how young you are - I have many questions...
You said you up and moved for him once already fairly recently....Does he have a history of moving around a lot? For a good job or military I can understand this but if it's a whimsical move - that's a red flag
Does he have a job currently? Do you?
Will he be able to find a job easily or does he have something lined up? Do you?
Where are you planning on living? Do you have the logistics worked out yet?
Does he have a stable job/work history?
You also mentioned a horrific event that happened to you. Is he aware of this? Is he taking your feelings into consideration by pressing this move?
Is money an issue? You said that you tentatively agreed to this move but you need to save so I'm guessing it is. You feel you need to wait and save....he should COMPROMISE (a very important word in relationships) and wait until you both are financially in a position to do this. After all you do have a daughter to consider too.
Love and relationships do not mean you have to blindly run into the fire to prove your love. Compromise is a better way to prove your commitment to each other.
If you are seeing red flags with this move then listen to your heart and your head.
We moved to Durango for a job that he ended up hating and kept for a month. He doesn't move alot though. He is just 25 and we both lived in Austin for 5years so our friends are there and my family, not his, they are in west tx.
He currently works as teller at a bank and doesn't like it much. I work as a nanny for a great family and love my job. I've never had a boss treat me so well and I get to bring my daughter.
He always leased apartments in austin and became assistant manager before we left, not many jobs like that here though, and no college so he thinks he can just go back to that company. I make the same here as he did there though. I am the breadwinner now I guess.
I could get a job there, but who knows if I'd be able to bring my daughter with me or get paid vacation days or the pay I make here. =/
We don't know where to move, but we hear that Oregon is nice? Need to check out jobs and rent ther first though, and visit of coarse.
He is very aware of it, and he says we can move somewhere else, but he keeps brining up moving back to Austin. Thinks he can "protect me" but like I said it's a fear thing, not so much a danger thing.
Money is always an issue. We live paycheck to paycheck and haven't even bought a 2nd car or saved for my taxes yet! So it will be a while before we could possibly move. He knows that though. I think he just wanted to make sure I am still planning on moving since he hates it here SO much.0 -
I moved several times for my ex-husband but then he was military so we kinda had to. When he was getting out I told him I didn't want to go back to our home state and explained why but he refused to listen to me. We came back...and everything I had brought up as reasons not to come back happened. I fought for over two years after we moved back to save things and finally realized the only way to save myself and my two kids from utter misery was to leave him. It was terrifying but we are much happier now. A partner who refuses to listen to their SO is selfish and given your reasons for not wanting to go back to your previous town it doesn't say a ton for his character to try and force you. Maybe another town/city especially one that is more mid-sized as a kind of compromise for you both. But you can't do all the giving while he does all the taking, that's not healthy and you definitely don't want your child to believe that's how lovers should treat each other.
Good luck!0 -
He should really understand your safety concerns. You guys need to find a balance, something that would work for both of you. I lived in Grapevine (Northern Texas). Very nice suburban area, about 20 minutes outside of Dallas. Dallas is corporate heaven. There are tons of smaller towns and areas you may both like. Excellent school system for your daughter, etc. I think you guys should weigh the pros and cons but you shouldn't do this as an ultimatum.
I live with my current boyfriend and after I graduate college we're moving to NYC, his hometown for him to finish school. He knows I don't really want to live there so we're relocating again after his graduation. Balance each other out.0 -
Hmmmm.....
Dont know then....sounds like you 2 have opposite tastes in environments. If you wont be happy going where he wants to go, I dont know if just the relationship alone is enough to keep you 2 together. But if you DO go with him and find you cant do it, have a backup plan so you arent stuck somewhere you dont want to stay.
I know, we realized this a while back, in November when we got here actually and were pretty upset about it. But we have a daughter, so legally neither of us can move without permission. Ha!
I already know how this goes down though, we talk about other places besides Austin that we can move for a few months, we TRY to save enough to visit other places and check them out, he gets tired of Durango, and we move back to Austin. I should just save myself the worry and go back when we have the chance. He really loves it there. I'll eventually forget my past there I guess.
What about San Antonio? You've probably been there before, so there's no need to go check it out, it's close enough to Austin to get all the hipsters he wants to rub elbows with, and you don't have to run into your rapist in the grocery store.
That's a good idea. I will run it past him.
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I would.0
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Thanks. That is good advice. And I will run that by him. Someone else said San Antonio, and I like it there, so maybe we can do that.He should really understand your safety concerns. You guys need to find a balance, something that would work for both of you. I lived in Grapevine (Northern Texas). Very nice suburban area, about 20 minutes outside of Dallas. Dallas is corporate heaven. There are tons of smaller towns and areas you may both like. Excellent school system for your daughter, etc. I think you guys should weigh the pros and cons but you shouldn't do this as an ultimatum.
I live with my current boyfriend and after I graduate college we're moving to NYC, his hometown for him to finish school. He knows I don't really want to live there so we're relocating again after his graduation. Balance each other out.0
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