Would you move anywhere for your lover?

dlyeates

I would move for my husband but there would be discussion as to the why's and how's of a move especially since we have a school aged child.

We married in Denver and after I lost my job (I made more than him) we decided to move back to Illinois which is where I'm from. The move allowed him to go to school full time and work part time to help with the bills and allowed me to work full time in my field making more than in Denver. It was a win-win situation.

ruststar

Hmmmm.....

Dont know then....sounds like you 2 have opposite tastes in environments. If you wont be happy going where he wants to go, I dont know if just the relationship alone is enough to keep you 2 together. But if you DO go with him and find you cant do it, have a backup plan so you arent stuck somewhere you dont want to stay.

I know, we realized this a while back, in November when we got here actually and were pretty upset about it. But we have a daughter, so legally neither of us can move without permission. Ha!
I already know how this goes down though, we talk about other places besides Austin that we can move for a few months, we TRY to save enough to visit other places and check them out, he gets tired of Durango, and we move back to Austin. I should just save myself the worry and go back when we have the chance. He really loves it there. I'll eventually forget my past there I guess.

What about San Antonio? You've probably been there before, so there's no need to go check it out, it's close enough to Austin to get all the hipsters he wants to rub elbows with, and you don't have to run into your rapist in the grocery store.

amysj303

I am not sure. I think it takes a village to make me happy and if that village was only HIM, it would be so hard for him to be my everything and not fair. I know you can make new friends and find fulfilling work in a new place, but that is a lot to hope for and when you move FOR someone, you might resent not having your friends or a job you love and start to resent that person making you move.
You said you would move anywhere, but now now? I should read other responses before I jump in...

katharineshalia

Oi, sorry, sorry, just read about being raped. My aunt was raped in Denver, CO and still lives there. Idk, scary people can be anywhere, could you get a restraining order if you moved back? I understand feeling safe, but it is an illusion. Best of luck, sorry.

SweetDorothySweat

Mom mode kicking in here, since I see how young you are - I have many questions...

You said you up and moved for him once already fairly recently....Does he have a history of moving around a lot? For a good job or military I can understand this but if it's a whimsical move - that's a red flag

Does he have a job currently? Do you?

Will he be able to find a job easily or does he have something lined up? Do you?

Where are you planning on living? Do you have the logistics worked out yet?

Does he have a stable job/work history?

You also mentioned a horrific event that happened to you. Is he aware of this? Is he taking your feelings into consideration by pressing this move?

Is money an issue? You said that you tentatively agreed to this move but you need to save so I'm guessing it is. You feel you need to wait and save....he should COMPROMISE (a very important word in relationships) and wait until you both are financially in a position to do this. After all you do have a daughter to consider too.

Love and relationships do not mean you have to blindly run into the fire to prove your love. Compromise is a better way to prove your commitment to each other.

If you are seeing red flags with this move then listen to your heart and your head.

We moved to Durango for a job that he ended up hating and kept for a month. He doesn't move alot though. He is just 25 and we both lived in Austin for 5years so our friends are there and my family, not his, they are in west tx.

He currently works as teller at a bank and doesn't like it much. I work as a nanny for a great family and love my job. I've never had a boss treat me so well and I get to bring my daughter.

He always leased apartments in austin and became assistant manager before we left, not many jobs like that here though, and no college so he thinks he can just go back to that company. I make the same here as he did there though. I am the breadwinner now I guess.
I could get a job there, but who knows if I'd be able to bring my daughter with me or get paid vacation days or the pay I make here. =/

We don't know where to move, but we hear that Oregon is nice? Need to check out jobs and rent ther first though, and visit of coarse.

He is very aware of it, and he says we can move somewhere else, but he keeps brining up moving back to Austin. Thinks he can "protect me" but like I said it's a fear thing, not so much a danger thing.

Money is always an issue. We live paycheck to paycheck and haven't even bought a 2nd car or saved for my taxes yet! So it will be a while before we could possibly move. He knows that though. I think he just wanted to make sure I am still planning on moving since he hates it here SO much.

Ephena

I moved several times for my ex-husband but then he was military so we kinda had to. When he was getting out I told him I didn't want to go back to our home state and explained why but he refused to listen to me. We came back...and everything I had brought up as reasons not to come back happened. I fought for over two years after we moved back to save things and finally realized the only way to save myself and my two kids from utter misery was to leave him. It was terrifying but we are much happier now. A partner who refuses to listen to their SO is selfish and given your reasons for not wanting to go back to your previous town it doesn't say a ton for his character to try and force you. Maybe another town/city especially one that is more mid-sized as a kind of compromise for you both. But you can't do all the giving while he does all the taking, that's not healthy and you definitely don't want your child to believe that's how lovers should treat each other.

Good luck!

Marie3391

He should really understand your safety concerns. You guys need to find a balance, something that would work for both of you. I lived in Grapevine (Northern Texas). Very nice suburban area, about 20 minutes outside of Dallas. Dallas is corporate heaven. There are tons of smaller towns and areas you may both like. Excellent school system for your daughter, etc. I think you guys should weigh the pros and cons but you shouldn't do this as an ultimatum.

I live with my current boyfriend and after I graduate college we're moving to NYC, his hometown for him to finish school. He knows I don't really want to live there so we're relocating again after his graduation. Balance each other out.

SweetDorothySweat

Hmmmm.....

Dont know then....sounds like you 2 have opposite tastes in environments. If you wont be happy going where he wants to go, I dont know if just the relationship alone is enough to keep you 2 together. But if you DO go with him and find you cant do it, have a backup plan so you arent stuck somewhere you dont want to stay.

I know, we realized this a while back, in November when we got here actually and were pretty upset about it. But we have a daughter, so legally neither of us can move without permission. Ha!
I already know how this goes down though, we talk about other places besides Austin that we can move for a few months, we TRY to save enough to visit other places and check them out, he gets tired of Durango, and we move back to Austin. I should just save myself the worry and go back when we have the chance. He really loves it there. I'll eventually forget my past there I guess.

What about San Antonio? You've probably been there before, so there's no need to go check it out, it's close enough to Austin to get all the hipsters he wants to rub elbows with, and you don't have to run into your rapist in the grocery store.

That's a good idea. I will run it past him.

gatecityradio

I would.

SweetDorothySweat

He should really understand your safety concerns. You guys need to find a balance, something that would work for both of you. I lived in Grapevine (Northern Texas). Very nice suburban area, about 20 minutes outside of Dallas. Dallas is corporate heaven. There are tons of smaller towns and areas you may both like. Excellent school system for your daughter, etc. I think you guys should weigh the pros and cons but you shouldn't do this as an ultimatum.

I live with my current boyfriend and after I graduate college we're moving to NYC, his hometown for him to finish school. He knows I don't really want to live there so we're relocating again after his graduation. Balance each other out.

Thanks. That is good advice. And I will run that by him. Someone else said San Antonio, and I like it there, so maybe we can do that.

amysj303

I lived in San Antonio, it is pretty affordable also!

islandnutshel

I would move for my husband too! Anywhere! BUT you are not married so I think for him to want you to move he needs to marry you AND not move back to the same place your rapist lives! How can he even want to go back there knowing that freaking creep is not behind bars! Maybe convince him to move somewhere else?

I agree. I guess since it happened months before he and I met, it doesn't seem as real to him as it does me. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt me that he wants to go THERE so badly instead of finding a new place.

Ok, from what I have read, you have a good reason NOT to return. It is a place you do not feel safe.
I am sorry but if your trauma is not REAL to your man, then he is not your 'partner'. A real partner would be more interested in your feelings, in your needs, in your safety. He would want the mother of his child to feel safe and happy.

A compromise and a move to a place that fit's his personality could be done when it would be a logically financialy feasable step.
If the changes, and moves, and sacrifices you have made so far are not enough for him, I can tell you now you will "NEVER MAKE HIM HAPPY!" Happiness comes from being satisfied with yourself, not what someone else can give.

Best wishes to you and yours.

SweetDorothySweat

I would move for my husband too! Anywhere! BUT you are not married so I think for him to want you to move he needs to marry you AND not move back to the same place your rapist lives! How can he even want to go back there knowing that freaking creep is not behind bars! Maybe convince him to move somewhere else?

I agree. I guess since it happened months before he and I met, it doesn't seem as real to him as it does me. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt me that he wants to go THERE so badly instead of finding a new place.

Ok, from what I have read, you have a good reason NOT to return. It is a place you do not feel safe.
I am sorry but if your trauma is not REAL to your man, then he is not your 'partner'. A real partner would be more interested in your feelings, in your needs, in your safety. He would want the mother of his child to feel safe and happy.

A compromise and a move to a place that fit's his personality could be done when it would be a logically financialy feasable step.
If the changes, and moves, and sacrifices you have made so far are not enough for him, I can tell you now you will "NEVER MAKE HIM HAPPY!" Happiness comes from being satisfied with yourself, not what someone else can give.

Best wishes to you and yours.

This is so very true. and hearing everyone's opinion on the matter really made me realize that I shouldn't move back to Austin, and that it should be more of a compromise and also that if he makes any other inconsiderate moveslike this I should just leave him. But everything is harder when you want your daughter to be with mommy and daddy everyday. I hope he likes the San Antonio idea honestly, so that I can get him off of moving back to Austin.

drumprincess1

me and my boyfriend live far apart. i live in cali and he lives in florida. we have been together for a year and a half with this distance. we both are willing to move. i am going to move though because he has many jobs over there and i have none here....and it would just be easier for us to survive haha. but anyways, i love him so much that i am willing to move there. the only way i wouldn't move for him would be if it was in a dangerous place or something ghetto. although, i would be a little apprehensive to move to the midwest, since im a complete cali girl. :ppp

Nik_Marie

Unless there's a ring on my finger, I'm staying where I am.

Where did he get this idea that you wouldn't move for him?

I agree. I would move if there was a ring on my finger but not before, especially if I didn't have money saved up to afford the move.

Missmissy0003

Maybe you could find a place that you both like in Colorado. I'm sure there is a great live music scene someplace overthere. There are some small towns that are still progressive and maybe located near a larger city.

SweetDorothySweat

Well, he isn't opposed to the idea of moving to San Antonio since it's close to Austin. So that's good that he will compromise. I'd rather go somewhere new cause I love adventure and mountains and oceans... but it will be easier going there since we don't have to visit first to see if we like it. I don't want to leave Durango though and will be really really sad when I do. Hopefully we get to finish the year here at least. I haven't even gotten to experience it yet, haven't skiied, or rafted, or climbed a mountain. I need to get busy. Thanks for your support everyone, you made me realize some big issues in my relationship and helped me feel better about it. Hope you all have a lovely weekend!! AND DON'T EAT ALL THAT CRAPPY FOOD YOU SO BADLY WANT TO EAT!!

bellygoaway

opps.

bellygoaway

I would, but I am desperate. So I am probably not the best guy to watch.

LMAO, you made me crack up!!

Phase 1 of my plan is a success

Of course, it has been so long since I came up with the plan, I forgot what phase 2 is

SweetDorothySweat

Maybe you could find a place that you both like in Colorado. I'm sure there is a great live music scene someplace overthere. There are some small towns that are still progressive and maybe located near a larger city.

I have suggested that too. I hope to visit some of them this summer, especially Denver and Grand Junction to see if we like them.