Anyone else have a mentally ill parent?

spartangirl79

Today was not the greatest day. Being the adult child of a mentally ill parent who refuses to take medication is beyond exhausting.

Is anyone else out there in this situation?

My dad is schizophrenic and wasn't diagnosed until he was 60 years old (long story). Mom, the ultimate caregiver/martyr, is enabling the behavior and not setting an ultimatum (live here = get treatment). She'd rather take care of him in all his craziness than be alone. Their hourly therapy sessions every few weeks are a joke.

Between her denial and enabling behaviors, and his schizophrenia, I am at my wits' end. Most of the time things are "fine" (I use that term loosely... we acknowledge our total dysfunction and deal with it, and I have accepted the fact that that's as "fine" as it's going to be), but today was one of those days... not great.

How do you know when to draw the line? I've tried to set boundaries but they aren't respected.

Just needed to vent. If anyone else out there is dealing with something like this, feel free to friend me. Schizophrenia sucks.

christinehetz80

Yep, my mom is bipolar and she was just diagnosed with MS which helps explain a lot, but the treatment unfortunately exacerbates the bipolar symptoms.

And if I could give you a virtual hug or better yet a real hug I would. I am the go to adult child of two older parents that really neither one of them take care of themselves well and don't live together so I am generally stuck going to one or the others and helping them deal with life to life issues.....there are days I could just Cry, yell, and disown them. Most times I vent with my girlfriends...I try not to bring the issue(s) up to my husband because I don't want him to be affected by it.

Feel free to msg me if you just want to talk, commiserate, or have someone listen.

angieleighbyrd

I have a mentally ill son.

My father was bipolar and he died of an overdose. I cut ties with him about a year before he died though.

My mom is a severe diabetic. She has had several surgeries, she had strokes, heart attacks, she's going blind...the list is just never ending with all her conditions. She refuses to take her medicines. She comes up with every excuse not to. To me, she's acting no different than my dad did. I recently cut ties with her. I'm not gonna sit around and watch her kill herself, everything that is wrong with her, is her own doing.

bathsheba_c

I read a really great [albeit EXTREMELY Christian] book on boundary setting by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I found it really helpful, so maybe that might help you maintain your boundaries so that their problems remain their problems and not yours.

Hope the venting helped.

ashleypage__

Hey. I live with a mother who is a hoarder & who displays boredline personality disorder symptoms, something that I have as well. It can get very frustrating living with her, as she has never sought mental help & doesn't even believe anything is wrong with her. If your parents won't respect your boundaries, then you just have to distance yourself. You can't control your mom or dad's actions. You're mom may be an enabler, but don't let yourself be one. Hold your parents accountable to the boundaries you respect. For instance, if you say don't call me after 8pm & he calls you after that constantly, then you tell him hey dad, i can't have you doing that. Until you can respect my boundaries I will not be answering any of your calls. Eventually he may come around and realize in order to have you in his life he may need to take his medication. I'd say stop worrying about your parents, and focus on yourself. They will come around eventually if you stay strong.

starracer23

To answer your question in one word: Yes

It has never been fun...my mother has tried to kill herself too many times to count. She was never really there for me. I got so tired of the drama that she would create...it seems that is the only thing she does well. My husband and I made the coice to move away. We have seen her 1 time so far this year. I must admit....its very nice!

emilysuelemus

my sister has schitzophrenia...she also rents a house from us and is always calling cuz someone has broken in, broke her foot, trying to poisen her, she sets out traps to trap her robbers, its a dailey grind, she has very little support syustem, she does take her meds but continues on her paranoia, rants, voices, and is continually afraid someone out to get her. It does no ggod to set parameters, its easier just to change her locks every other month or so...its the same locks we use...she just doesnt know it! took her on a 3 week road trip recently...not the wisest choice but it will probly be her last one and she got to see family she hasnt seen in years. It was very challenging she also has physical disabilities as well. Her daughter has recently moved in with her and it has gotten better in regards of her constant calling us for something but then there is new issues with her daughter living there. We just keep plugging at it and try our best. Only other option is placing her in group home but I think that would make it worse. she does like her yard and gardening and loves to sew at all hours. she couldnt do that in a group home. so we pray a lot and hope we can make it through another day!! Patience is a must with folks like this! hoping for the best in your situation!

angieleighbyrd

To answer your question in one word: Yes

It has never been fun...my mother has tried to kill herself too many times to count. She was never really there for me. I got so tired of the drama that she would create...it seems that is the only thing she does well. My husband and I made the coice to move away. We have seen her 1 time so far this year. I must admit....its very nice!

Do you ever get called the bad guy because you chose to step away? I do, it's annoying. My mother isn't mentally ill, she's just dumb and won't take medication that is saving her life. I chose to step away because I'm tired of her excuses and I'm not gonna watch her slowly kill herself. I always get told "she's your mother, how could you". Actually it wasn't all that hard.

spartangirl79

Thanks for all the replies, everyone. Today has just been a super challenging day. To everyone else who is suffering with this I am sending you big virtual hugs.

My dad was committed after a psychotic break a few years back, for two weeks. Was given medication by injection and since he has been out, he has refused to take it. He is too far gone to realize how ill he is, and after experiencing the side effects from the medications, I just know he will never ever take them until he has to be committed again.

It's hard too because my mom is in such denial. She really thinks that her treating him like a child and taking him to therapy once every couple weeks will fix everything.

Thanks so much for your responses... just knowing I'm not alone helps! And again I'm sorry that y'all are dealing with this, too.

It's really hard to know when to just say no more, and totally cut them off. I don't think that would ever be possible since my mom chooses to stay with my dad and I love my mom more than anyone in the world, except my husband. Dysfunctional, you betcha! :explode:

JonathonMars

I have mentally ill almost everything.

I think you sometimes have to finally just restrict the amount of time they are in your lives. I know that is hard for a lot of people to accept, but you can't force anyone to do anything. So, you just...leave them be.

ashielovesdashie88

Oh gosh yes, my biological father was epileptic,suicidally depressed,paranoid infused abusive alcoholic who killed himself when i was 11 (granted my parents were in the middle of a divorce and living in two separate states so it didn't effect me like everyone thought it would) My mother is/was ( she insists she isn't drinking, i totally know she is) an alcoholic with bi-polar disorder and Socialized Anxiety Disorder. She takes her meds but doesn't admit to having a problem with her drinking. I, like another person on here, cut all ties for awhile but then found myself feeling too guilty to let her go. As far as boundaries are concerned you have to take a step back and do your best to realize that if someone won't help themselves then there isn't going to be much you can do to help them either. Especially when it comes to our parents, being set in their ways just comes with life experience. I wish you the best of luck in trying to set boundaries and break down the wall to gain understanding. Don't forget you're not alone in dealing with this and if you ever want to talk you can message me. I know exactly how you feel!

morgandy

I'm cheering you on My mother had schizophrenia, but unfortunately my story does not have that great an ending. It took about 20 years for her to be diagnosed and she was eventually institutionalized. For most of my childhood, I have vivid memories of either my mom exhibiting symptoms or my dad struggling to convince her to go see a doctor and get on meds. I hope you're mother does eventually get on board, however, I completely understand her desire to avoid confrontation. My mother eventually threw up her hands and demanded a divorce - and then completely cut everyone out of her life, to avoid having to deal with the fact she needed help. There can be some severe consequences to trying to help the one you love, if they're sick.

On the other hand, having your mom in your corner to help deliver the "tough love" could also be just what your dad needs.

No easy answers... I just wanted to say that I empathize and that I hope that you and your dad get the support that you need!

p.s. - Schizophrenia does suck

Cold_Steel

Is it really enabling behaviors by your mom or is it just a deep founded love for her husband that is very difficult for her to pass up and admit to herself that he has a problem?

Schizophrenia is a very elaborate and often confused disease, I am sure you are well aware of that. If you have clearly shown her what the problem is you are having and she is not correcting it it may be time to move on.

Beautiful_Ideal

Both of my parents are mentally ill. Bipolar/OCD/narcissism/Borderline. I stepped away from my mother, my father abandoned his family when I was young. The limiting of the time is key in regards to my mother, because she's very controlling and she thinks she's entirely rational. Everyone feel free to add me, I understand how it can be. :flowerforyou: hugs

thaphatdiva

I just wanted to give you a virtual hug and urge you to see what options are available to you in your area (residential facilities, home health visits, etc.). I work in a mental health correctional facility. The majority of our residents suffer from schizophrenia and were ordered to our facility after trying to harm someone (usually a family member). A person suffering from schizophrenia and non-compliant with medications can escalate into violence very fast. For example: My best friend's grandfather was schizophrenic, and her grandmother was an enabler. He pulled a gun on her one day. Her solution was to empty all of the hunting rifles and remove all of the ammunition from the house. He ended up attacking her with a knife.

Schizophrenia is one of those things that's very hard on the families of those suffering from it. I wish you a lot of peace, calm, and strength. Just do what you can and encourage your mother to be careful.

Kandace_Riopel

my mom has a bi polar split personality. we didnt realize how bad she was until 3 weeks before my wedding day ( im the first of 4 to marry and she did not like my choice) my mom attempted suicide and was as close to succeeding as could possibly be. she spent 10 day in a coma and on life support! ..... shes stable atm but that can change on a daly basis and it does. i just love her for who she is, my mom and i accept her that way she is while keeping my expectations well know and enforced. if she isnt on her best behaviour i simply tell her to leave or call back when she is in a better state of mind. she is always angry but i stick to my guns. she usually will apologize when she comes around and i tell her how she made me and anyone else that had to witness it feel and she usually keeps in line for a good while. that i notice as she stays away from me when shes having her moments while still checking in every other day as we worry if she doesnt because of her past actions. feels like i am parenting my own mother but shes my mom and i didnt choose her she was chosen for me. for reasons i may not understand.

ttillman19

I do not have a parent with a mental health illness, but I do have a husband with a severe TBI. His brain damage has left him essentially with bioplar, ADHD, anxiety, severe depression, and mood disorders to name a few. It is very hard and I give all of you hugs to the moon and back. He suffered a gun shot wound through his left eybrow that went through almost to the back of his skull in January of 2011 (after we were married and had a 1.5 year old). He has come a long way from not feeling/moving anything on his right side and brain damage to the point where he could not follow 2-step commands or know anything was missing up there. I was an enabler. The person that helped us/me the most was the neuropsychologist. He helped me to see that I was not helping him by doing everything for him, giving him everything he wanted when he had a "tempertantrum", etc. It has been very hard to set bounderies, but if I didnt/do then he will never get any better. It was recommended that I put him an inpatient neuropsychology facility, but I refused...looking back a year later I probably should have for at least 30 days. Every day is hard. I am raising 2 children, one 3 and one 32. Every day is a challenge. Eating healthy is a challenge. Feel free to message me...I could use some good motivators/listeners/just people who understand.

starracer23

To answer your question in one word: Yes

It has never been fun...my mother has tried to kill herself too many times to count. She was never really there for me. I got so tired of the drama that she would create...it seems that is the only thing she does well. My husband and I made the coice to move away. We have seen her 1 time so far this year. I must admit....its very nice!

Do you ever get called the bad guy because you chose to step away? I do, it's annoying. My mother isn't mentally ill, she's just dumb and won't take medication that is saving her life. I chose to step away because I'm tired of her excuses and I'm not gonna watch her slowly kill herself. I always get told "she's your mother, how could you". Actually it wasn't all that hard.

Its a lot deeper than just that though. My mother is deeply involved with a religion. I was as well...for 25 yrs. I then grew a brain of my own and no longer have anything to do with it. So I am the bad guy many times over. She is a follower, she will pretty much believe anything she is told. She chooses her cult (I fully believe being a jehovah's witness is being in a cult) over her family...She says how much she misses us then starts right into her gossip and backstabbing. Anyone and everyone that gives her the time of day will get an ear full of what a horrible person I am. I have told her to stop talking about me, it wont happen.

paeli

This is a really heavy thread, sounds like everyone has been through a lot. Sending love and hugs to each and everyone one of you. My mother has schizophrenia, my father left her when I was a baby and raised us on his own. Thankfully, this spared me from a lot of her illness, however I grew up without a mother because of it. We have a sort of "happy ending" story though, as many years later my Aunt got my mom involved with a mental health organiZation which has helped her pull her life back together. They would do private meetings with her at her apartment and provide her medication that way to start. Now she goes daily to get her medication and they keep her "in check". She has a wide social life, has hobbies, keeps busy and is back to being a well functioning person (which she wasn't for many many years)

So, I highly recommend looking into an mental health organizations like this in your area. That said, people with illnesses like this absolutely cannot be reasoned with. You need to think of yourself, and remove yourself from any harmful situations.

spartangirl79

Once again, a huge thank you to everyone who responded. I'm going to take the time this weekend to try to reply to each of you. I appreciate it so much.

spartangirl79

Is it really enabling behaviors by your mom or is it just a deep founded love for her husband that is very difficult for her to pass up and admit to herself that he has a problem?

Schizophrenia is a very elaborate and often confused disease, I am sure you are well aware of that. If you have clearly shown her what the problem is you are having and she is not correcting it it may be time to move on.

I wish I could say it was just that she loves him so much... it is more codependency I believe. How can you love someone who has been so cruel to you for 40+ years of marriage? She obviously has her own mental health issues (depression, emotionally abused, codependent) -- I hate to say it, but there is not much about my dad to love. It makes me very sad to admit that, but how can you love someone who has hit you, tried to kill you, and brought you down a rabbit hole of depression and poverty for decades?

I know she could have taken the bull by the horns and left, and she almost did a few years ago. Sadly, she is so codependent and also does not see things clearly, that she would rather be his caretaker than be alone.

It is one big twisted mess. Yesterday was better, but today we are right back where we were. I know he doesn't think clearly, and absolutely cannot comprehend how his words and behaviors affect others, but it breaks my heart regardless. I guess I will just have to block his email address to spare myself the heartache, at least for a while.

spartangirl79

Is it really enabling behaviors by your mom or is it just a deep founded love for her husband that is very difficult for her to pass up and admit to herself that he has a problem?

Schizophrenia is a very elaborate and often confused disease, I am sure you are well aware of that. If you have clearly shown her what the problem is you are having and she is not correcting it it may be time to move on.

I guess I should have clarified that she is well aware he has a problem... she had him committed for three weeks once when he tried to kill her. He was forced to take medication then, but the judge just let him out without requiring meds. The judge said he could order them, but there was no real way to enforce his taking them unless she wanted to risk his being institutionalized again, and she would just rather live with it.

They go to a religious counselor (his delusions center on religion so I'm not sure this is the best decision, IMHO), even though she is not religious. The more they go, the more she makes the effort to justify his emotional abuse of my brother and me, saying that it's just "his way" of showing that he loves us. Sorry, I don't need it. I have to set boundaries, and that makes me feel so incredibly guilty.

Sad day.

runnercheryl

I believe my mum is undiagnosed bipolar. Only in the last few years did I realise that's probably the case, though I'd cut ties with her a few years beforehand.

She also appears to be a compulsive liar, but if I'm honest I haven't ever worked out if she knows she's lying, or has genuinely forgotten the things she's lying about.

Cut almost all contact with my mum over three years ago, though in reality I'd lost who she was long before that. I have good memories of her from very early childhood, but she's not been that person in a long time.

17ChargerGirl17

No I do not have a mentally ill parent. But I do have a Schizophrenic/Bi Polar/Suicidal son.
He was abused by his step mother when he was younger and never told anyone and when he was about 17 he snapped and has had problems every since. He has tried to commint suicide numberous times and has been committed to Behavioral Health twice.
I love him very much but I had to decide if he living with me was a good thing with my other kids. (he is 21 now).. I felt like he took everything out of me and my other children started to resent him. As a mother it is a lose, lose situation, ya know?
He has moved now and is doing really good. He takes his meds and is working.
So things can always get better. But when you have someone that enables that person, it is a tough situation. I know that I enabled my son to a degree and I am sorry that I did for as long as I did.

Octopies

My mother is bipolar I and refuses to get treatment. She acts like we can't tell (despite our father asking her to get help) but I really wish she would. There have been times that I just totally want to desert her because she is acting like a child and taking everything as a slight against her "immaculate self". This has been a battle ever since I was little, and I only recently began to see the signs. She actually told me about her being bipolar but she doesn't like medication because the few of them she's tried haven't been great... nevermind that they gave her antidepressants that make bipolar worse, it's not the doctors fault! All medications are terrible, you see! And it's not like there aren't a bunch of other medications out there for her to try. I don't even think she *wants* help.

(ALWAYS see a psychiatrist for brain meds. General practitioners don't know as much and are quick to prescribe antidepressants even when a patient isn't even depressed, which can really mess people who are actually bipolar up. Doctors do the physical body, psychiatrists do the mental body.)

I'm mentally ill as well, but it is under control and I don't refuse help for it.

beachlover317

To each of the people posting today: I am never again going to complain about how hard it is to take care of myself and lose weight. I am awed by the amount of strength that you each have and have had to have to survive this far. My thoughts are with each of you.

chi18

I'm so sorry you're going through this and I understand how hard it is. Because people don't realize the toll that years and years of putting up with this takes. And they don't understand the guilt or the confusion or the shame or the resentment which often causes further guilt. You cannot explain to someone what it's like to grow up with a parent who does not value their own life, or who will get angry over tiny things and break things and punch a hole in the wall. And they're your caretaker who is supposed to shelter you from these things. Or who is too depressed to get out of bed and would rather eat garbage, watch bad TV, chain smoke, and have all sorts of health problems than do anything else. And who, despite not seeming to care about anything, is still so completely selfish. And what it's like to realize that your other parent and your aunts and uncles and grandparents don't want to deal with it either so you just have to keep your head down, grow up, and then get the hell out of there.

I tried to be understanding. I tried to have an adult relationship with my father and my mother who stays because she is a martyr and co-dependent. And then last year I'd just had enough. I couldn't watch him try to passively kill himself anymore and I couldn't let her verbally abuse me because she won't say anything to him anymore. So I asked for some space. Even then they pushed back because they hate boundaries. But I started seeing a therapist to work through my issues with them and she helped me to hold my ground. I once said to her, "I don't like being around them because I don't get anything out of a relationship with them. They're crazy and I don't trust them." Her perfect response was, "That's not true - you don't get nothing. You get anxiety and guilt and you feel terrible. Don't minimize that by calling it nothing." I was feeling really good about having no contact because I felt like their issues and demands and feelings took up so much space that there was none left for me. Then in March my father finally made an attempt at his own life. And afterwards it was really difficult to decide what to do. And the best course of action for me was to say, "I'm not talking to them right now." You don't have to make some big declaration regarding forever and ever - just take it one day at a time and decide what you want to do for now. Because it's too much to think about if you go past that, you know? Decide what is best for you and your health and your sanity (Remember you? They may not be considering you but you should!) and go from there. Try finding a therapist who can help you if you're able to. I was very resistant to therapy for a long time because I felt like that was something THEY did. THEY were crazy and dysfunctional and need therapy but I was different and I was stronger and didn't need it. Nonsense. You grow up in that environment you need someone to help you through this - I don't care if I have to pay someone to be in my corner every week, she's in my corner and that's what matters.

I'm sorry this is so long and rambling and word-vomity. Just know that I think you're amazing and brave for posting this and reaching out for help because that is something I really struggle with. Feel free to send me a message or a friend request or anything at any time because those of us who "get it" need to stick together.

edena1987

My mother is bipolar I and refuses to get treatment. She acts like we can't tell (despite our father asking her to get help) but I really wish she would. There have been times that I just totally want to desert her because she is acting like a child and taking everything as a slight against her "immaculate self". This has been a battle ever since I was little, and I only recently began to see the signs. She actually told me about her being bipolar but she doesn't like medication because the few of them she's tried haven't been great... nevermind that they gave her antidepressants that make bipolar worse, it's not the doctors fault! All medications are terrible, you see! And it's not like there aren't a bunch of other medications out there for her to try. I don't even think she *wants* help.

(ALWAYS see a psychiatrist for brain meds. General practitioners don't know as much and are quick to prescribe antidepressants even when a patient isn't even depressed, which can really mess people who are actually bipolar up. Doctors do the physical body, psychiatrists do the mental body.)

I'm mentally ill as well, but it is under control and I don't refuse help for it.

This is my mother to a friggin T. She is a psycho.

spartangirl79

No I do not have a mentally ill parent. But I do have a Schizophrenic/Bi Polar/Suicidal son.
He was abused by his step mother when he was younger and never told anyone and when he was about 17 he snapped and has had problems every since. He has tried to commint suicide numberous times and has been committed to Behavioral Health twice.
I love him very much but I had to decide if he living with me was a good thing with my other kids. (he is 21 now).. I felt like he took everything out of me and my other children started to resent him. As a mother it is a lose, lose situation, ya know?
He has moved now and is doing really good. He takes his meds and is working.
So things can always get better. But when you have someone that enables that person, it is a tough situation. I know that I enabled my son to a degree and I am sorry that I did for as long as I did.

I'm glad your son is doing better... how scary for you. Medication has such terrible side effects, but it can literally save your life, you know? I am sad to say that not only will my dad never take it, my mom has even refused to approach the subject with him anymore. She would rather live like that than even try the natural approach (not that it would cure anything, but high-level vitamin and fish oil treatments have been shown to have minimal but noticeable effect).

Does anyone else feel it is harder being a female relative (mother, daughter, sister) -- like we are supposed to be more caregiving, more forgiving, more willing to come back time and again to make the effort to have the relationship? I am being guilted into this and *I'm* the selfish one for not actively pursuing a relationship (over and over) and just ignoring the emotional abuse because it's "how he shows me he loves me." I feel like even though I'm an adult now, I shouldn't have to sacrifice my emotional wellbeing to satisfy the insane narcissistic needs of a grown man. Does that make me a horrible person? It sure feels like it and my mom's guilt trips are not helping. Just because she wants to care for a spoiled 64-year-old child who emotionally abuses her and manipulates her doesn't mean I do.

spartangirl79

I have a mentally ill son.

My father was bipolar and he died of an overdose. I cut ties with him about a year before he died though.

My mom is a severe diabetic. She has had several surgeries, she had strokes, heart attacks, she's going blind...the list is just never ending with all her conditions. She refuses to take her medicines. She comes up with every excuse not to. To me, she's acting no different than my dad did. I recently cut ties with her. I'm not gonna sit around and watch her kill herself, everything that is wrong with her, is her own doing.

I'm so sorry about your mom, and your dad. My dad's dad was also an alcoholic schizophrenic and he killed himself several years back.

It is so infuriating to watch a loved one slowly kill themselves. My mom is also diabetic -- she doesn't take care of herself either, has always been this way whether it was just not buying herself new clothes from time to time to using bar soap on her face because she didn't want to spend the money on facial cleanser -- and she refuses to exercise. She would rather just take medications and complain about it. I am sure she is facing some sort of mental illness whether depression or codependency or who knows what else... she is definitely our family's martyr and it breaks my heart to see her this way. I guess after being emotionally abused for 40 years of marriage you cannot really see your own value anymore and have no self esteem. I'm starting to feel exactly the way you do and it just breaks my heart... but you have to take care of your own family and self, at some point, or you'll end up going down the exact same path, right?

So conflicting!

Sorry this thread has been such a downer, btw, but it sure sounds like there are a lot of us out there who need support. Self help books can only do so much! I hope everyone can find a support system and take good care of themselves!

spartangirl79

To each of the people posting today: I am never again going to complain about how hard it is to take care of myself and lose weight. I am awed by the amount of strength that you each have and have had to have to survive this far. My thoughts are with each of you.

Thank you so much. Just reading others' posts, and knowing I am not alone, is incredibly helpful! Mental illness is super isolating and you can't really discuss it with your coworkers like you can when a family member has a heart attack or something, you know?