Anyone else have a mentally ill parent?
Replies
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I'm so sorry you're going through this and I understand how hard it is. Because people don't realize the toll that years and years of putting up with this takes. And they don't understand the guilt or the confusion or the shame or the resentment which often causes further guilt. You cannot explain to someone what it's like to grow up with a parent who does not value their own life, or who will get angry over tiny things and break things and punch a hole in the wall. And they're your caretaker who is supposed to shelter you from these things. Or who is too depressed to get out of bed and would rather eat garbage, watch bad TV, chain smoke, and have all sorts of health problems than do anything else. And who, despite not seeming to care about anything, is still so completely selfish. And what it's like to realize that your other parent and your aunts and uncles and grandparents don't want to deal with it either so you just have to keep your head down, grow up, and then get the hell out of there.
I tried to be understanding. I tried to have an adult relationship with my father and my mother who stays because she is a martyr and co-dependent. And then last year I'd just had enough. I couldn't watch him try to passively kill himself anymore and I couldn't let her verbally abuse me because she won't say anything to him anymore. So I asked for some space. Even then they pushed back because they hate boundaries. But I started seeing a therapist to work through my issues with them and she helped me to hold my ground. I once said to her, "I don't like being around them because I don't get anything out of a relationship with them. They're crazy and I don't trust them." Her perfect response was, "That's not true - you don't get nothing. You get anxiety and guilt and you feel terrible. Don't minimize that by calling it nothing." I was feeling really good about having no contact because I felt like their issues and demands and feelings took up so much space that there was none left for me. Then in March my father finally made an attempt at his own life. And afterwards it was really difficult to decide what to do. And the best course of action for me was to say, "I'm not talking to them right now." You don't have to make some big declaration regarding forever and ever - just take it one day at a time and decide what you want to do for now. Because it's too much to think about if you go past that, you know? Decide what is best for you and your health and your sanity (Remember you? They may not be considering you but you should!) and go from there. Try finding a therapist who can help you if you're able to. I was very resistant to therapy for a long time because I felt like that was something THEY did. THEY were crazy and dysfunctional and need therapy but I was different and I was stronger and didn't need it. Nonsense. You grow up in that environment you need someone to help you through this - I don't care if I have to pay someone to be in my corner every week, she's in my corner and that's what matters.
I'm sorry this is so long and rambling and word-vomity. Just know that I think you're amazing and brave for posting this and reaching out for help because that is something I really struggle with. Feel free to send me a message or a friend request or anything at any time because those of us who "get it" need to stick together.
Thank you for this. I like word vomit, so it's all good.
Friend request coming. :flowerforyou:0 -
Hey. I live with a mother who is a hoarder & who displays boredline personality disorder symptoms, something that I have as well. It can get very frustrating living with her, as she has never sought mental help & doesn't even believe anything is wrong with her. If your parents won't respect your boundaries, then you just have to distance yourself. You can't control your mom or dad's actions. You're mom may be an enabler, but don't let yourself be one. Hold your parents accountable to the boundaries you respect. For instance, if you say don't call me after 8pm & he calls you after that constantly, then you tell him hey dad, i can't have you doing that. Until you can respect my boundaries I will not be answering any of your calls. Eventually he may come around and realize in order to have you in his life he may need to take his medication. I'd say stop worrying about your parents, and focus on yourself. They will come around eventually if you stay strong.
Hey, thanks for this. BTW, I think it was your thread I saw the other day where people were ripping on you saying that depression isn't real and it's all a matter of willpower to not be depressed... what a bunch of BS. (If that wasn't you, my bad, your pic looked familiar). Either way I'm sorry you have to live with a hoarder. That must be exhausting and I know I would be extremely clostrophobic if I had to live in that situation. My mom is definitely a hoarder, too (that runs in the family, her sister is as well).0 -
To each of the people posting today: I am never again going to complain about how hard it is to take care of myself and lose weight. I am awed by the amount of strength that you each have and have had to have to survive this far. My thoughts are with each of you.
Thank you so much. Just reading others' posts, and knowing I am not alone, is incredibly helpful! Mental illness is super isolating and you can't really discuss it with your coworkers like you can when a family member has a heart attack or something, you know?
It sure can be. Before I retired, I worked with young women who were first time parents. Many of them had mothers with a mental illness (diagnosed and not). One of the hardest obstables they had was learning to parent their own children in a healthy way. The saddest thing was that each one wanted a relationship with their mother - longed for this- and many times, for their own stability, they had to set pretty severe boundaries. I wish you safety and peace in your decisions.0 -
My mother is definitely mentally ill but I am not sure with what. If she was ever diagnosed I wouldn't know. She likes to hide her mental state from me despite her being in and out of hospitals (in the mental ward) for years now. I no longer speak with her as of 5 months ago in hopes she will get help since I have run out of options. I am sorry for anyone who has to deal with a mentally ill relative. It's hard.0
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My mother suffered from severe depression since I was 3, she had electro shocks lost her memory etc. I looked after my sister and brother and was always called the difficult child, maybe cause I stopped being one at the age of 6 to become an adult.
It looks to me that here we have something in common and no wonder we all over eat, maybe is related to what we go through in daily basis. My mother got better with time but she was never completely normal. Totally dependent personality till the day she died., she was an other child.
Good luck to eveyone and is important to detach a little from their lives to live our own.
Liz0 -
I just wanted to give you a virtual hug and urge you to see what options are available to you in your area (residential facilities, home health visits, etc.). I work in a mental health correctional facility. The majority of our residents suffer from schizophrenia and were ordered to our facility after trying to harm someone (usually a family member). A person suffering from schizophrenia and non-compliant with medications can escalate into violence very fast. For example: My best friend's grandfather was schizophrenic, and her grandmother was an enabler. He pulled a gun on her one day. Her solution was to empty all of the hunting rifles and remove all of the ammunition from the house. He ended up attacking her with a knife.
Schizophrenia is one of those things that's very hard on the families of those suffering from it. I wish you a lot of peace, calm, and strength. Just do what you can and encourage your mother to be careful.
Thank you for your note. I actually moved out of state, so I don't live near my parents. Unfortunately, the judge who released my dad from the facility he was in said he could order medication, but would not monitor it and basically they just said go about your merry way. The mental health system in MI is pretty pathetic, IMHO. My mom was once involved with the local chapter of NAMI (after my dad was first diagnosed) and I'm encouraging her to get involved again... I think the longer it is just the two of them in that house, the more she slips into her own issues and can't see clearly how his behaviors (and hers) affect others. Thanks again. :flowerforyou:0 -
My mother suffered from severe depression since I was 3, she had electro shocks lost her memory etc. I looked after my sister and brother and was always called the difficult child, maybe cause I stopped being one at the age of 6 to become an adult.
It looks to me that here we have something in common and no wonder we all over eat, maybe is related to what we go through in daily basis. My mother got better with time but she was never completely normal. Totally dependent personality till the day she died., she was an other child.
Good luck to eveyone and is important to detach a little from their lives to live our own.
Liz
Wow, how scary for a child... I hope you did not have to attend the electroshock therapy sessions with your mom. I have seen those documentaries and they are so sad. I completely understand having to grow up at a young age (kindergartners should not be breaking up their parents' fights, ya know??)... I would definitely imagine that these are major issues that contribute to (at least my) weight problems today.0 -
To each of the people posting today: I am never again going to complain about how hard it is to take care of myself and lose weight. I am awed by the amount of strength that you each have and have had to have to survive this far. My thoughts are with each of you.
Thank you so much. Just reading others' posts, and knowing I am not alone, is incredibly helpful! Mental illness is super isolating and you can't really discuss it with your coworkers like you can when a family member has a heart attack or something, you know?
It sure can be. Before I retired, I worked with young women who were first time parents. Many of them had mothers with a mental illness (diagnosed and not). One of the hardest obstables they had was learning to parent their own children in a healthy way. The saddest thing was that each one wanted a relationship with their mother - longed for this- and many times, for their own stability, they had to set pretty severe boundaries. I wish you safety and peace in your decisions.
Thanks very much... I cannot imagine bringing a child into the world with this looming over me. The potential to pass on the illness is too great... we've decided to not have kids for lots of reasons, but this is definitely part of it. All the things we never were able to do (travel, etc.) as kids, I (and my husband who also had a difficult childhood) want to do as an adult. I'm in a massive amount of debt due to college and my own bipolar spending habits (didn't get diagnosed till my 30s), but as soon as that's paid off we want to enjoy our lives together and aren't really interested in kids. Have already been a parent long enough, in a sense.0 -
Well yea!
All sorts going on.
Mother depressive (really bad long term untreated post natal depression plus she's that way as a personality).
Father PTSD.
Older sister has learning difficulties plus schizophrenia - since early adulthood I've always been her primary carer.
My very close brother took his own life 2 years ago, aged 52. (my older and not close brother died of cancer 6 months later).
Niece (daughter of the above) took her own life aged 15 in 2006.
I used to work as a mental health professional for many years - attracted to it by my background I think - but since the recent suicides in the family my attitude has changed. I struggled really to carry on after my niece's death, and after my brother's I gave up that career totally and am trying really hard to find a healthier way of living for myself. Both physically (hence MFP) and mentally.
I know all those feelings of being caught up and entrapped...
Anyone on this thread, please add me as a friend - I'm a supporter and encourager, not an emotional drain, but it's also good to know people who understand where the pits are, if you know what I mean.0 -
To each of the people posting today: I am never again going to complain about how hard it is to take care of myself and lose weight. I am awed by the amount of strength that you each have and have had to have to survive this far. My thoughts are with each of you.
Thank you so much. Just reading others' posts, and knowing I am not alone, is incredibly helpful! Mental illness is super isolating and you can't really discuss it with your coworkers like you can when a family member has a heart attack or something, you know?
It sure can be. Before I retired, I worked with young women who were first time parents. Many of them had mothers with a mental illness (diagnosed and not). One of the hardest obstables they had was learning to parent their own children in a healthy way. The saddest thing was that each one wanted a relationship with their mother - longed for this- and many times, for their own stability, they had to set pretty severe boundaries. I wish you safety and peace in your decisions.
Thanks very much... I cannot imagine bringing a child into the world with this looming over me. The potential to pass on the illness is too great... we've decided to not have kids for lots of reasons, but this is definitely part of it. All the things we never were able to do (travel, etc.) as kids, I (and my husband who also had a difficult childhood) want to do as an adult. I'm in a massive amount of debt due to college and my own bipolar spending habits (didn't get diagnosed till my 30s), but as soon as that's paid off we want to enjoy our lives together and aren't really interested in kids. Have already been a parent long enough, in a sense.
Wow. Also another caveat of having a parent with mental illness - you've already done the parenting thing. So many of my clients were not diagnosed with mental illness, but being raised by a mentally ill parent, they had to fight not to exhibit behaviors that they had learned growing up. Good for you and your husband. It sounds like you're there for each other. I hope your future is full of wonderful things to make your memories. Life is too short to dwell on what could have been....so they say. It's just really hard not to, sometimes. Stay strong.0 -
My mom has severe anorexia and anxiety - won't seek help for either. She's killing herself and there's nothing I can do.0
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My father was never diagnosed but he clearly had issues that were basically in his head. He was also an addict of painkillers. He died when I was 18, though, mainly due to he had a lot of physical illnesses as well and he didn't take care of himself. I know for sure he had Bipolar Disorder and had OCD because my mother and I both could tell tales of him cleaning for hours or making us clean, then do it again because one imaginary thing was out of place. For more reasons than that, I hated him.
I had a friend whose mother was a diagnosed Bipolar I sufferer but she refused to take medication because she thought the pharmaceutical industry was a scam. She couldn't keep a job because of her constant mood shifts and her paranoid, off-the-wall beliefs so my friend's father was the breadwinner. The woman treated my friend like crap. One moment she was being a normal mom and having fun with her and the next she was like a cruel stepmother out of a fairytale. The relationship was basically ruined but my friend always made excuses for her mother and would try to bend over backwards to gain her approval, which lord knew when it was coming depending on which end of the manic spectrum she was at. She was the same way with me when I was spending the night or even doing a favor for them. I had spent the night once because my friend was having a tonsillectomy the next day and they needed someone to babysit her younger sister and I volunteered. The deal was I was to be paid $20 and given a ride home as I lived only 7 minutes away and my mother worked late hours. They came home around 2pm and she was babying my friend and her sister since it'd been a long day and when I asked about the ride it was like Dr. Jekyll turning into Hyde. She yelled at me about not wanting to waste her gas, hadn't she driven enough today (the hospital was a half hour drive to and from), and why couldn't I just walk home? I ended up staying there until my mother could get me. When my friend got a job... it got a whole lot worse. Her mother started to demand rent and every time she and my friend had a spat (usually over her not washing a cup in the sink or something menial) she would raise it by $200 or kick my friend out. Several hours or days later she'd be calling, crying, begging her to come back because she was scared they'd never see each other again. Next day, same old stuff. There'd be times before my friend had her own car that her mother wouldn't come get her from work because of something stupid or she talked in a certain tone. But the bottom line was the woman couldn't take care of herself. She could manage cooking but everything else seemed too hard or frustrating and she would get herself so worked up she would injure herself from the muscle tension alone and would need almost daily massages. She just wasn't stable, she had been babied by her husband for so long that when they split up she started kicking at my friend to take that load. I've watched the woman go into rages and break things, tear things, and scream until she was hoarse then leave the room and come back five minutes later calm as could be. My friend hated her mother, but at the same time she loved her because it was her mom. Last I heard she finally moved out, so I have no idea what's become of the mom.
That aside, I have my own mental illnesses. I'm Bipolar II, I have General Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, and I have to take anti-psychotics because I have auditory hallucinations that can get so bad, I end up not knowing what's real or not. I know Bipolar Disorder is genetic and can be passed down (I likely got it from my father as he exhibited many signs of it) and it scares me to think of having a child and not only risk giving them that slice of Hell knowingly, but to have them have me as a mother. Even with medication I'm not always stable. It's a roll of the dice on how I'll be one day to the next especially because I have a monstrous rage that can last a long time. I'd like to think I'd be able to control myself around a child, but who knows. I don't want to end up the next generation of these stories.0 -
I don't have a mentally ill parent but I do have bipolar that is stable without medication. I am supervised by my medical team though.
I think the difficulty is, if the person suffering does not have "insight" into their condition and symptoms/triggers, it makes it far harder on their family because they effectively "lose themselves" for periods of time and can be non compliant with their meds.
These conditions are variable and in the case of bipolar, on a spectrum, but I do wonder if there are other avenues you can try for more support, such as Carer organisations or community mental health teams. I realise it varies from country to country but one commonality is you have to fight for every last bit of support, sadly.
Good luck
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Yes my mum. She's severely depressed. Often suicidal. Has diabetes and doesn't look after it, overweight, chain smokes. Never really got any help until recently and the help available isn't good enough. Always been tough to be around and more so because I got depressed. I've sought help for it, its all because of the past. I'm mostly ok now but I have to keep a distance to some degree as it drags me down. I feel a lot of guilt about keeping distance as I feel I should be there more for her but I've got my own family and its not fair on them if I'm letting It all drag me down. No good for anyone. Its really difficult as I constantly worry thinking one day she will do something stupid and I couldn't cope with or live with that! X0
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Well yea!
All sorts going on.
Mother depressive (really bad long term untreated post natal depression plus she's that way as a personality).
Father PTSD.
Older sister has learning difficulties plus schizophrenia - since early adulthood I've always been her primary carer.
My very close brother took his own life 2 years ago, aged 52. (my older and not close brother died of cancer 6 months later).
Niece (daughter of the above) took her own life aged 15 in 2006.
I used to work as a mental health professional for many years - attracted to it by my background I think - but since the recent suicides in the family my attitude has changed. I struggled really to carry on after my niece's death, and after my brother's I gave up that career totally and am trying really hard to find a healthier way of living for myself. Both physically (hence MFP) and mentally.
I know all those feelings of being caught up and entrapped...
Anyone on this thread, please add me as a friend - I'm a supporter and encourager, not an emotional drain, but it's also good to know people who understand where the pits are, if you know what I mean.
Friend request sent. So sorry for all your losses but bravo to you for working in mental health for so long. I can imagine that combination would make anyone start seeking a new line of work.
Also, your dog is beautiful! Is he a Pharaoh Hound?0 -
My father was never diagnosed but he clearly had issues that were basically in his head. He was also an addict of painkillers. He died when I was 18, though, mainly due to he had a lot of physical illnesses as well and he didn't take care of himself. I know for sure he had Bipolar Disorder and had OCD because my mother and I both could tell tales of him cleaning for hours or making us clean, then do it again because one imaginary thing was out of place. For more reasons than that, I hated him.
I had a friend whose mother was a diagnosed Bipolar I sufferer but she refused to take medication because she thought the pharmaceutical industry was a scam. She couldn't keep a job because of her constant mood shifts and her paranoid, off-the-wall beliefs so my friend's father was the breadwinner. The woman treated my friend like crap. One moment she was being a normal mom and having fun with her and the next she was like a cruel stepmother out of a fairytale. The relationship was basically ruined but my friend always made excuses for her mother and would try to bend over backwards to gain her approval, which lord knew when it was coming depending on which end of the manic spectrum she was at. She was the same way with me when I was spending the night or even doing a favor for them. I had spent the night once because my friend was having a tonsillectomy the next day and they needed someone to babysit her younger sister and I volunteered. The deal was I was to be paid $20 and given a ride home as I lived only 7 minutes away and my mother worked late hours. They came home around 2pm and she was babying my friend and her sister since it'd been a long day and when I asked about the ride it was like Dr. Jekyll turning into Hyde. She yelled at me about not wanting to waste her gas, hadn't she driven enough today (the hospital was a half hour drive to and from), and why couldn't I just walk home? I ended up staying there until my mother could get me. When my friend got a job... it got a whole lot worse. Her mother started to demand rent and every time she and my friend had a spat (usually over her not washing a cup in the sink or something menial) she would raise it by $200 or kick my friend out. Several hours or days later she'd be calling, crying, begging her to come back because she was scared they'd never see each other again. Next day, same old stuff. There'd be times before my friend had her own car that her mother wouldn't come get her from work because of something stupid or she talked in a certain tone. But the bottom line was the woman couldn't take care of herself. She could manage cooking but everything else seemed too hard or frustrating and she would get herself so worked up she would injure herself from the muscle tension alone and would need almost daily massages. She just wasn't stable, she had been babied by her husband for so long that when they split up she started kicking at my friend to take that load. I've watched the woman go into rages and break things, tear things, and scream until she was hoarse then leave the room and come back five minutes later calm as could be. My friend hated her mother, but at the same time she loved her because it was her mom. Last I heard she finally moved out, so I have no idea what's become of the mom.
That aside, I have my own mental illnesses. I'm Bipolar II, I have General Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, and I have to take anti-psychotics because I have auditory hallucinations that can get so bad, I end up not knowing what's real or not. I know Bipolar Disorder is genetic and can be passed down (I likely got it from my father as he exhibited many signs of it) and it scares me to think of having a child and not only risk giving them that slice of Hell knowingly, but to have them have me as a mother. Even with medication I'm not always stable. It's a roll of the dice on how I'll be one day to the next especially because I have a monstrous rage that can last a long time. I'd like to think I'd be able to control myself around a child, but who knows. I don't want to end up the next generation of these stories.
How difficult for you to have a family "friend" like that. It is great that you can realize and take steps to treat your own mental illness. I totally hear you on the child issues -- which is why I have just plain decided not to have them. I also have bipolar II (supposedly... diagnosed but didn't respond to meds so who really knows for sure) and I know that people with mental illness have a much higher chance of post partum psychosis, etc... don't even want to go there. ("Lucky" for me I have endometriosis and fingers crossed I can't get pregnant anyway... weird wish I know but boy that would take a load of worry off my shoulders!) I have to say I commend your impressive weight loss; I know those antipsychotics, mental illness and all of these life stressors can make weight loss extremely difficult for so many reasons. Great job!!!0 -
My kids say that they do.
But seriously, my mother has borderline personality disorder and it's a nightmare. Her sister says she has been this way since the age of 5. She can be IMPOSSIBLE.
I keep my distance; she lives in NY, and I live in CA. Occasional phone calls and she visits once or twice a year. I haven't been to her home in probably 7 years. It's sad, but I can't expose myself and my children to that.0 -
"it scares me to think of having a child and not only risk giving them that slice of Hell knowingly, but to have them have me as a mother."
Yes - I sort of decided (never having had a partner I'd want to have children with was a amjor contributory factor too) that there must be something genetic in the family which I didn't want to pass on, and also that I didn't like myself to want to replicate - if that makes sense.
Other people want to have children for all the resemblances and the sense of continuity; for me that's a bit of a nightmare, I couldn't bear to have it all played out again.0 -
"it scares me to think of having a child and not only risk giving them that slice of Hell knowingly, but to have them have me as a mother."
Yes - I sort of decided (never having had a partner I'd want to have children with was a amjor contributory factor too) that there must be something genetic in the family which I didn't want to pass on, and also that I didn't like myself to want to replicate - if that makes sense.
Other people want to have children for all the resemblances and the sense of continuity; for me that's a bit of a nightmare, I couldn't bear to have it all played out again.
Word.
I don't have any desire to create a human being to try to give them a "better" life than I had... I'd rather try to live the life I wanted now that I'm an adult.
Selfish? Maybe. I don't think so, though.0 -
Well yea!
All sorts going on.
Mother depressive (really bad long term untreated post natal depression plus she's that way as a personality).
Father PTSD.
Older sister has learning difficulties plus schizophrenia - since early adulthood I've always been her primary carer.
My very close brother took his own life 2 years ago, aged 52. (my older and not close brother died of cancer 6 months later).
Niece (daughter of the above) took her own life aged 15 in 2006.
I used to work as a mental health professional for many years - attracted to it by my background I think - but since the recent suicides in the family my attitude has changed. I struggled really to carry on after my niece's death, and after my brother's I gave up that career totally and am trying really hard to find a healthier way of living for myself. Both physically (hence MFP) and mentally.
I know all those feelings of being caught up and entrapped...
Anyone on this thread, please add me as a friend - I'm a supporter and encourager, not an emotional drain, but it's also good to know people who understand where the pits are, if you know what I mean.
Friend request sent. So sorry for all your losses but bravo to you for working in mental health for so long. I can imagine that combination would make anyone start seeking a new line of work.
Also, your dog is beautiful! Is he a Pharaoh Hound?
I worked 25 years as a support worker then therapist then senior manager - in the UK 25 years is a "life sentence" in prison without remission for good behaviour, so I do feel I've done my bit. I was considered quite good at it, and I found enabling people very rewarding, but my resources just ran out and I have to find a different way of life...
The dog is a she, and Pharoah Hound is an excellent guess! Actually she's a Podenco Andaluz, a hunting breed from Spain, but they are reckoned to be about the most ancient domesticated dog type, along with the PH and Basenjis. Very much as seen on ancient Egyptian artwork. Podencos sadly have a rotten time (google if interested) very overbred by Spanish hunters and disposed of usually in horrible ways when surplus to requirements. Pixie was rescued as an abandoned pup in Spain, and came to the UK to live with me two years ago.0 -
The dog is a she, and Pharoah Hound is an excellent guess! Actually she's a Podenco Andaluz, a hunting breed from Spain, but they are reckoned to be about the most ancient domesticated dog type, along with the PH and Basenjis. Very much as seen on ancient Egyptian artwork. Podencos sadly have a rotten time (google if interested) very overbred by Spanish hunters and disposed of usually in horrible ways when surplus to requirements. Pixie was rescued as an abandoned pup in Spain, and came to the UK to live with me two years ago.
She is lovely. My dog is a half Saluki, half boxer (supposedly -- he was a stray, and his brother was adopted by people we ended up meeting and they got a DNA test run on him), so I am partial to that lanky body type on a pup! Though I also have a big hard-headed pit bull mix, biggest baby I have ever encountered, and I like his stocky little build too.
I do find that I have always been extremely motivated to help animals in need... always have loved animals as much if not more than most people. I am absolutely certain that's a result of growing up in a dysfunctional family... and I'm okay with that part of my upbringing. :bigsmile:0 -
No I do not have a mentally ill parent. But I do have a Schizophrenic/Bi Polar/Suicidal son.
He was abused by his step mother when he was younger and never told anyone and when he was about 17 he snapped and has had problems every since. He has tried to commint suicide numberous times and has been committed to Behavioral Health twice.
I love him very much but I had to decide if he living with me was a good thing with my other kids. (he is 21 now).. I felt like he took everything out of me and my other children started to resent him. As a mother it is a lose, lose situation, ya know?
He has moved now and is doing really good. He takes his meds and is working.
So things can always get better. But when you have someone that enables that person, it is a tough situation. I know that I enabled my son to a degree and I am sorry that I did for as long as I did.
I'm glad your son is doing better... how scary for you. Medication has such terrible side effects, but it can literally save your life, you know? I am sad to say that not only will my dad never take it, my mom has even refused to approach the subject with him anymore. She would rather live like that than even try the natural approach (not that it would cure anything, but high-level vitamin and fish oil treatments have been shown to have minimal but noticeable effect).
Does anyone else feel it is harder being a female relative (mother, daughter, sister) -- like we are supposed to be more caregiving, more forgiving, more willing to come back time and again to make the effort to have the relationship? I am being guilted into this and *I'm* the selfish one for not actively pursuing a relationship (over and over) and just ignoring the emotional abuse because it's "how he shows me he loves me." I feel like even though I'm an adult now, I shouldn't have to sacrifice my emotional wellbeing to satisfy the insane narcissistic needs of a grown man. Does that make me a horrible person? It sure feels like it and my mom's guilt trips are not helping. Just because she wants to care for a spoiled 64-year-old child who emotionally abuses her and manipulates her doesn't mean I do.
This is something I have definitely struggled with. It's like you said, you can't always discuss this sort of thing with your co-workers. So when someone asks if I'm visiting for Mother's Day or Christmas and I say no, they look at me like I've suddenly grown a second head. And I don't really want to get into the details with a lot of people but there is that weird sort of stigma that "good girls are close to their parents" that is hard to deal with sometimes. I think a lot of people would assume growing up as many of us have, that we should all be strippers with a meth problem and two babies by two different men. And that's not always the case - we can be strong, well put-together adults who are good at our jobs and in functional relationships who happen to have emotionally abusive parents.0 -
This is something I have definitely struggled with. It's like you said, you can't always discuss this sort of thing with your co-workers. So when someone asks if I'm visiting for Mother's Day or Christmas and I say no, they look at me like I've suddenly grown a second head. And I don't really want to get into the details with a lot of people but there is that weird sort of stigma that "good girls are close to their parents" that is hard to deal with sometimes. I think a lot of people would assume growing up as many of us have, that we should all be strippers with a meth problem and two babies by two different men. And that's not always the case - we can be strong, well put-together adults who are good at our jobs and in functional relationships who happen to have emotionally abusive parents.
THIS, a hundred times, this. Good girls are close to their parents, they take care of their parents, they put aside any childhood issues to be responsible children and meet their parents' needs. I have always felt so responsible for my mother's happiness -- she quit her job to be a SAHM, she had us much later than her friends had kids, so for as long as I remember she just had no friends around [I imagine a lot of her friends didn't want to be around my dad, but were not honest enough to tell her and just didn't bother to schedule girls' time with her which is sad]. She focused her entire life on my brother and me, our activities, etc. She enabled us to have bad behavior (my bipolar partying and my brother's trouble with drinking; she just always "accepted" it and didn't even try to put the smack down, which I now wish she had). I feel so responsible for her happiness -- I always have. It broke my heart to move away from home and "leave her" there because she doesn't really take care of herself, she still doesn't have friends... living with my dad and being so codependent has given her no self esteem, no sense of worth...
It's so conflicting, you know? I try and try to help her just be happy for once, but I'm starting to wonder if they'll just live together in that dark, run-down hoarder house for the rest of their lives, wallowing in codependency and depression and craziness until... forever, I guess. It's crushing. And, since I don't have kids, I feel like I'm supposed to put forth more effort because I don't have that excuse as to why I'm so busy or focused on my own family (despite the fact that I work full time, am trying to volunteer more, am married, and have four four-legged children).
Can I just say how much better I feel having connected with you all? Sorry for the word vomit, but man, it's such a relief. I wish I could find an in-person group in my area... I am going to make some calls on Monday. :flowerforyou: :drinker:0 -
Yes.
My grandmother is a hoarder. My mother has gone through cycles of serve anorexia since she was 16, is extremely paranoid/high anxiety and has OCD. My father was denied a transfer into the Special Ops when he was in the military because he failed the psychological exam but I am not quite sure what his exact illness is.
The first four years of my life I had to live with my grandmother and great grandmother (which my mother claims is a family conspiracy to make me hate her and to make her look bad) because the family was afraid she wouldn't feed me seeing as she wasn't feeding herself. I grew up being taught that everyone is evil and no one can be trusted. I would wake in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and see my mother scrubbing the oven. Something she had done in the morning and after dinner....
My father was emotionally abusive to me and my mother. He would tear my mother apart, then go to the field or go overseas and I would have to pick up the pieces. If my mother was already broken to shreds, I was then next on the list. It got to the point that one of my sisters (11 at the time) told me that she was sorry I was labeled the child that ruined dad's life so he'd never love me. From 13-18, I raised my sisters and had to work besides going to school. My mother wouldn't work (because people are out to get her) and spend her day either googling how to easily commit suicide, smoking, or hiding in her room. I had to force her to go get food for me and my sisters. I was so afraid she wouldn't wake up some mornings. If the lack of eating didn't kill her, I figured she'd find another way. I moved out the day I turned 18. I couldn't take it anymore. I had my own issues (diagnosed with borderline at 13 but once the therapist insisted that my parents needed help too they wouldn't allow me to go anymore and claimed I just wanted attention) and I felt like I would never be able to be happy if I surrounded by the craziness. I didn't want to become permanently damaged like my parents. I cut off my father the day I turned 18, which was easy because we never really had one. I tried to cut my mother off when I was 21 (because of a terrible visit when my son was first born) and it lasted almost a year.
Just a month and a half ago, I decided for the betterment of myself, my husband, and our two and a half year old son that I could no longer be a part of my mother and my grandmother's lives. I cannot fix them. I cannot be upset about the things they do and constantly put myself in a position to feel hurt and betrayed. I don't want my son to see these things. Ever since I found out I was pregnant I have focused on working on myself. I have days that I am scared to death I will become my parents and fail my son, but I know I love him and I am always looking for help and betterment.
Sorry for my word vomit. It is just that reading all these post has just made me feel less alone. I feel a bit more understood. I hope y'all find peace with your situations.
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You can set all the boundaries you want but if you don't enforce them nothing is going to change.
My Dad is a very sucessful business man but has the mentality of a horny 16 year old boy. He has tried to disobey my rules for my children and I put him on a time out for 4 months. He has listened since then.0 -
Yes.
My grandmother is a hoarder. My mother has gone through cycles of serve anorexia since she was 16, is extremely paranoid/high anxiety and has OCD. My father was denied a transfer into the Special Ops when he was in the military because he failed the psychological exam but I am not quite sure what his exact illness is.
The first four years of my life I had to live with my grandmother and great grandmother (which my mother claims is a family conspiracy to make me hate her and to make her look bad) because the family was afraid she wouldn't feed me seeing as she wasn't feeding herself. I grew up being taught that everyone is evil and no one can be trusted. I would wake in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and see my mother scrubbing the oven. Something she had done in the morning and after dinner....
My father was emotionally abusive to me and my mother. He would tear my mother apart, then go to the field or go overseas and I would have to pick up the pieces. If my mother was already broken to shreds, I was then next on the list. It got to the point that one of my sisters (11 at the time) told me that she was sorry I was labeled the child that ruined dad's life so he'd never love me. From 13-18, I raised my sisters and had to work besides going to school. My mother wouldn't work (because people are out to get her) and spend her day either googling how to easily commit suicide, smoking, or hiding in her room. I had to force her to go get food for me and my sisters. I was so afraid she wouldn't wake up some mornings. If the lack of eating didn't kill her, I figured she'd find another way. I moved out the day I turned 18. I couldn't take it anymore. I had my own issues (diagnosed with borderline at 13 but once the therapist insisted that my parents needed help too they wouldn't allow me to go anymore and claimed I just wanted attention) and I felt like I would never be able to be happy if I surrounded by the craziness. I didn't want to become permanently damaged like my parents. I cut off my father the day I turned 18, which was easy because we never really had one. I tried to cut my mother off when I was 21 (because of a terrible visit when my son was first born) and it lasted almost a year.
Just a month and a half ago, I decided for the betterment of myself, my husband, and our two and a half year old son that I could no longer be a part of my mother and my grandmother's lives. I cannot fix them. I cannot be upset about the things they do and constantly put myself in a position to feel hurt and betrayed. I don't want my son to see these things. Ever since I found out I was pregnant I have focused on working on myself. I have days that I am scared to death I will become my parents and fail my son, but I know I love him and I am always looking for help and betterment.
Sorry for my word vomit. It is just that reading all these post has just made me feel less alone. I feel a bit more understood. I hope y'all find peace with your situations.
Wow, that is quite a story. It sounds like you are a strong lady and are doing the best thing for your son... I'm glad you seem to have escaped your genetics and are working toward a happy life! I know the feeling, the minute I started reading all these replies (I honestly didn't expect many!) I just felt like spilling my guts. :flowerforyou:0 -
You can set all the boundaries you want but if you don't enforce them nothing is going to change.
My Dad is a very sucessful business man but has the mentality of a horny 16 year old boy. He has tried to disobey my rules for my children and I put him on a time out for 4 months. He has listened since then.
That is very true... it's hard to be the one to have to make all the changes. I feel extremely guilty for cutting my dad out of my life... and it is extra difficult since my parents are still married. I want my mom to be in my life (we have the type of relationship where we chat on the phone at least every other day), and I don't want to make her choose, but she makes excuses and justifies his behavior, and tries to guilt me into making an effort with my dad.
I feel like a broken record; I can only explain my reasons for not wanting to deal with him to her so many times, and he can only break those boundaries with me so many times; and she can only justify those violations so many times.
I guess maybe I will have to cut back on contact and make it clear to her that is why I am doing so... maybe that will be motivation enough for HER to be more strict with him, or something. She can't force him to take meds, but just letting him act however he wants with no repercussions, and blaming our bad relationship on us not being understanding of him and his illness can't go on forever.
You are right and I hope your post wasn't implying your dad had hurt your children in some way! :noway:0 -
bump0
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My mother is mentally ill and self-medicates with drugs/alcohol. She is extemely avoidant of social situations and never leaves the house, except to buy alcohol. I'm not sure which illness she has because she refuses to seek treatment. It is very difficult to have a relationship with her because she is extremely unreasonable, anxious, erratic, over-emotional, accusational, oversensitive, and avoidant of anything that may be stressful.
If I call her too much I'm "needy" and "stressing her out". If I don't call her enough, I'm "mean" and "don't love her". If I go to visit her, she picks on me and puts me down, makes comments about my weight. Recently she's been telling me I'm too skinny and I've lost too much weight. I've learned to just ignore her and focus on myself and the people in my life who are stable.
I understand where you are coming from. I wish you the best and hope you find peace within yourself.0 -
My mother is mentally ill and self-medicates with drugs/alcohol. She is extemely avoidant of social situations and never leaves the house, except to buy alcohol. I'm not sure which illness she has because she refuses to seek treatment. It is very difficult to have a relationship with her because she is extremely unreasonable, anxious, erratic, over-emotional, accusational, oversensitive, and avoidant of anything that may be stressful.
If I call her too much I'm "needy" and "stressing her out". If I don't call her enough, I'm "mean" and "don't love her". If I go to visit her, she picks on me and puts me down, makes comments about my weight. Recently she's been telling me I'm too skinny and I've lost too much weight. I've learned to just ignore her and focus on myself and the people in my life who are stable.
I understand where you are coming from. I wish you the best and hope you find peace within yourself.
Thank you very much! We dealt with a lot of the same for many years (I was glad my dad didn't drink, or it would have been so much worse) -- but since he wouldn't get a diagnosis, we just assumed he was maybe depressed and a plain old jerk.
Congrats on your weight loss! I'm so impressed with all these folks dealing with such stresses that are still able to lose. Take care of yourself! WTG.0
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