Spouse Not Understanding My Lifestyle Change

bethgames

Men and women lose differently. My husband can cut back to 2 candy bars a day and lose weight (*kitten*), and my 12 year old has tons of snack foods in the cupboards. I have to maintain my self control as I smell the dang chocolate and gain a pound. Will power is easier if the temptations are kept away, but sometimes we have to overcome in tough situations. Sometimes we fail. Overall, just be grateful he supports you, ask him to cut back on the baking (PLEASE!) and see if you two can come up with healthy things for both of you to cook and eat! Good luck. :flowerforyou:

McPenguin

My mom and dad are doing the same little dance in the kitchen. Get rid of the junk food, and it will just come back. So throwing out his cheesecake won't work.

I agree with the others that say he has a right to eat what he wants. BUT YOU HAVE A RIGHT not to be sabotaged, even if he's only doing it subconsciously.

Tell him that you love his hobby of baking/cooking, and that you'd appreciate if he tried low carb recipes so you could both enjoy without guilt... and maybe making something once a week instead of daily would benefit you both in the long run.

Here's a link to a recipe for low carb cheesecake:

http://lowcarbdiets.about.com/od/desserts/r/lcarbcheesecake.htm

I also like the idea of cheesecake tarts instead of a bigger cake... and sharing with co-workers / neighbours is a great way to enjoy the hobby of baking without the growing waistline.

Hope you get the right kind of support / communication going soon!

LoriJ1782

I think some of you don’t understand what I’m trying to say, and I take the blame for that because I don't think I explained it properly in my initial post. I don’t expect him to cut out foods he loves. What I’d like to see if a little less of the treats since he has them almost every day and I’d like him to stop trying to get me to eat them…almost every day.

As far as my choice for how I lose weight I do plan on eating low carb for good because it’s the best way for me to lose and maintain weight loss because it makes me less hungry and controls my cravings. It’s just hard to be tempted with high carb high sugar treats almost every day. I do eat treats in moderation, just don’t want them every day.

He believes his way is best and everyone should do it his way. I don’t feel that way, I know what works for some doesn’t work at all for others. I’d like to see more understanding on his part that my body is different and doesn’t lose weight the same way his does.

patltrimble

Are there other reasons he might be trying to sabotage you? My husband was not very supportive, but it turned out that he was scared that if I got fit and healthy, and looked better, I wouldn't want to be with him anymore. There ended up being far more to it than that, but you might want to consider it, and try to assure him that this is something you're doing for your health, etc. and not to be more attractive to other men. A little ego stroking can go a looong way. Good luck

patltrimble

I can relate to the sabbatoge! I found it had lots more to say than just weight issues! With mine it was a cry for help.
Think a good hearfelt discussion might help. Good luck!

Shannon2714

I would probably not be very supportive, either, if my wife randomly decided to jump on the low carb bandwagon.

This made me crack up! I did Atkins for 2 years...I know it's not for me now, but I totally get it!

beauty2323

That sucks but its also something your going to have to get use to. When your at events there's going to be so much junk food. You can't tell them not to serve it.... there's going to be temptation everyday.
I don't completely cut out treats... I eat healthy & I have a few days out the month I eat "unhealthy".. I just practice portion control. Like last night my husband and I shared a plate from an Italian spot. It was Chicken Baked Ziti. I ate like 1/4 of it & he was complaining like "you didn't eat anything!!!" I told him, if I'm not hungry I'm not just going to force myself to eat it all.

Men eat way more than us. (typically) & they will even lose weight quicker (like my husband)
He tries to tempt me with things & I just tell him NO! He stopped logging in his calories & I've been doing it for 36 days in a row.
Everyone has to complete this lifestyle change in their own way. I've been a yo-yo dieter & completely cutting out "unhealthy" things just doesn't work for me. Maybe that's how it is for your Significant other.

Have your section of healthy food... & tell him to keep his in a different place.
GOOD LUCK!

patltrimble

WELL SAID!

AllTehBeers

Since when can't we have a treat everyday? I never signed up for that....

Me neither. A small serving of cake, chocolate, chips or what ever every day is not going to make you unhealthy. Its what your over all diet consists of.

KetoBella

Or... perhaps because he loves you he is worried that you might not actually be eating a balanced and sustainable plan. I wish sometimes looking back that instead of always trying to be right and prove my Husband wrong I would have kept an open mind and actually listened to what he was saying instead of being defensive and feeling like he just didn't understand. Looking back I can see many times he was actually right.... if I had only listened.:grumble:

galegetsthin

I like the idea of individually freezing portions. That would make it MUCH easier! If your biggest issue is getting him to stop offering, it may not happen. If he is making all these goodies, he is probably proud of them. If you make something that is good, you want to share right? Same thing with him. Have one tiny bite. Make a 100 - 200 calorie allotment for a snack at home to help his ego a little. It is not going to kill you. I know a lot of very healthy people. They don't stress so much about a bite of something once a day. If one little bite is gonna do you in, you need to find the strength to make other changes. After he makes it and you have your little bite, and you put some of it away for you both, take it to work, a friend, family member, whatever!! I made 2 apple pies from scratch last weekend. I had a small slice, my daughter had one and then we took the rest to my aunt and uncle who's daughter was coming in to visit. That way, you get a little, he gets the joy of sharing something yummy with the woman he loves, and others even get to benefit from his hard work.

rdy2lose

My husband has to have something sweet before bed every night and my kids like sweets in their school lunches and then my mom loves to spoil my kids with homemade cookies (and to get them out of her house). If I see the treats I will eat them so I have learned to put them in the microwave or in the sweets cabinet. Out of sight out of mind - most of the time anyway.

If it is sitting on the counter where I can see it - I WILL eat it.

Good luck, it is tough

Tkzk

I can relate in that having even a small carb/fat rich treat one day will make me hungry and increase my carb cravings for the next few days. I need to eat clean every day to feel good and not all out of sorts. A special treat can maybe be once a week, and I like to choose it myself rather than have it force upon me b/c my spouse feels like some random Tuesday night is "triple cream cheese night."

I think there is a weird sabotage thing going on for many couples. I know it's not fair or reasonable, but I think asking him to do this out of respect for you is not out of line. He can get treats out of the house, or buy things that don't need to be refrigerated and keep them in a private place. Making healthy choices in the kitchen is really, really hard. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for a little support.

Good luck.

speedyf

I'm still trying to believe my eyes..........a man made cheesecake? Awesome!

Haha, he loves to cook and bake! Which is awesome but results in all kinds of treats I can't eat!

Thank you all for the advice! What I'm getting the most of is that I need to be direct and honest. I don't want to offend him so I have to be careful how I word it. But I need to be direct so there's no misunderstanding. I really appreciate the responses, thanks so much!

Be straight forward is the key. I'm a woman, but I grew up and worked all my life with men. You say what you have to say, and that's it. Just be honest and crystal clear, without being rude or mad. He'll understand exactly your point and won't be mad at you for being honest. My boyfriend loves it... so simple! Just tell him that he may cook what ever he wants, you don't have to eat it if you don't want to.

And you have your plan to get healthy, and he's got his. There's different ways to get there, and you made your choice and so did he.

And I also agree with the above poster... if my boyfriend could only cook!

kahala_lineke

You say he loves to bake and what not. Have you thought about having him switch to the healthier options when he cooks? Which won't necessarily solve this problem, but could help in the future.

painthoss

What I’d like to see if a little less of the treats since he has them almost every day

and I’d like him to stop trying to get me to eat them…almost every day.

I’d like to see more understanding on his part that my body is different and doesn’t lose weight the same way his does.

Hopefully you can use some of the strategies people have given you to work on 'seeing less of the treats." I hope you find something there that helps, I sure did, there were some really good ideas.

Your expectation about the deliberate tempting, teasing, and sabotage is reasonable and addressable: 'Honey, stop that, I do not appreciate it and I don't like it." If he continues, walk out of the room. You do not need to stay to be bullied, which is what this is a gentle form of, and walking away is a strong statement of your own self-respect and power.

The third expectation? Well, you are expecting him to be somebody else than he is, and to think and believe differently than you. That's not really realistic, realistically speaking. Accept that you won't get that from him. I am not judging him as a spouse, and I am sure he provides for you emotionally in many ways, this just won't be one of them.

Best wishes,
val

fluffylittlecloud

My wonderful husband bought me an ice cream snickers bar to "reward" me for doing such a good job.... I just stared at him, like "really?" He totally didn't get it! He seems to think just exercise will help with weight loss, but I'm with you, I want to be healthier too... But it was like I lost 2 lbs in a week,and he wanted them to come back or something. He is not making any lifestyle changes (which is entirely up to him), but he is a snack food kinda guy... doritos, other chips, sweets, soda, etc. . . . I do pretty well staying away from those things, except for soda . . . defintely my biggest weakness.

MotorCityFemmeFatale

Really unless you're going to live a life where you'll low carb till you're dead, then maybe it's not the lifestyle you want to do. People fail at weight loss because they don't know how to moderate foods they like to eat, IMO.

this

mfpcopine

Write it out as well, men like to see things on paper it makes it easier for them.
Sounds weird but they do. They love lists too so if you can put it in list form even better.

Some women like lists, too. (I hate gratuitous gendering of basic activities.)

To the OP: Run the numbers. Show what those extra pieces of cheesecake will do to your calorie deficit on a weekly, monthly, and yearly basis. Go to one of those weight loss simulators and figure out how much longer it will take you to reach your goal.

If necessary, print your daily MFP log sheet with your calorie max and tape it to the refrigerator. Fill it in as you go through the day and highlight the number of calories you have left for the day.

And remember: food isn't love, love is love. If someone really cares he will support you. If necessary, he can get a mini-fridge for his treats and put a lock on it.

secretlobster

I agree with the other advice you've received. I'm also a person who needs to see a list, and to be able to come to reasonable conclusions myself.

Just as you want him to be respectful of your lifestyle change, I think you need to be respectful of his, even if it isn't something you agree with. You will get a better response from him overall if you show him that you are willing to accept and respect his dietary needs. You should probably both come to an agreement that you're not going to criticise one another's nutrition.

mfpcopine

You need to confront your husband and make sure he understands that he can eat this stuff but he can't tempt you with it as it's like a drink to an alcoholic!

I can't tell you how many times obese relatives have told me I can have everything in moderation when I've told them experience has taught me I can't.

darylinny

Some spouses are clueless! Just tell him how you feel and maybe find some receips of things that you both like but try for a healthier verison. Maybe he'll enjoy those as much as full on cheesecake... which is like kryptonite to me so you are my s-hero for not caving and eating the entire cake!!

Shannon2714

Or... perhaps because he loves you he is worried that you might not actually be eating a balanced and sustainable plan. I wish sometimes looking back that instead of always trying to be right and prove my Husband wrong I would have kept an open mind and actually listened to what he was saying instead of being defensive and feeling like he just didn't understand. Looking back I can see many times he was actually right.... if I had only listened.:grumble:

Yup...been there. Great advice.

zombiefarmboy

I'm still trying to believe my eyes..........a man made cheesecake? Awesome!

I resent that! I make a fantastic cheesecake! Although, at this point I probably would refrain. I'd probably eat half of it in one sitting...

robinogue

This is "your" lifestyle change, if he wants to eat cheesecake he's allowed to. Doesn't mean you have too. Just because you are no longer eating lots of sweets and things doesn't really mean he has to stop and/or not keep them in the house. My husband is non-supportive, he doesn't want to workout, he doesn't want to eat healthy. He loves cakes, cookies & donuts. He buys them and puts them in the house, I don't touch them just like he has his sweets I have my healthy snacks and while he's snacking I snack on mine. I think it would be unfair to say since I can't eat them you can't. My husband can't eat spicy foods but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to eat them.

1holegrouper

I have a wife who is increasingly supportive and increasingly mimics 'some' of what I do. This took some time though. She is incorporating these habits more and more as she sees the results I'm getting. So, I try to be as transparent as possible and even show my food and exercise logs to her and do most of the cooking. I'm finally at the point where starchy carbs in the pantry and ice cream bars in the freezer make me stronger and have more resolve then being tempted to eat them. They remind me where I used to be at; 'i.e. you can eat anything as long as you burn it off in exercise' and to never go back there.

manderson27

Lot of good advice here, sorry if this has already been suggested but I admit I haven't read every post.

I don't think he is deliberately sabotaging you at all. He likes to cook and understands that losing weight doesn't have to mean missing out on a treat, however you have a different way soooooo

Challenge him to make low carb, low cal treats, get him to find recipies that suit your lifestyle but suit his love of baking. Then you can both enjoy the treats.

ETA My husband brings treats home, I just weigh out my share, bag it, and eat it as part of my calorie allowance. God help anyone who touches my treats LOL

mfpcopine

My willpower is usually strong and I can resist but sometimes it's just so hard.

It IS hard. Studies have shown that we have limited amounts of willpower. It can work in the short-term, but for some people. relying on willpower alone will not suffice for something as long-term, sustained, and difficult as dieting. To the extent you can, you need to restructure your environment to reduce temptations and to encourage activity.

Most people who have maintained their weight or lost weight haven't done it by focusing on all the great food they can't have. That would be torture. Instead, they focus on the benefits of being healthy and fit.

jodycoady

I'm sorry, but I'm still stuck at the part where your husband makes cheesecake.

20kisses

"I'm still trying to believe my eyes..........a man made cheesecake? Awesome! "

I thought the same thing...