Spouse Not Understanding My Lifestyle Change
Replies
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hes not trying to sabotage you he is being supportive in his own way and you need to be in yours. I'm not saying your not but don't chastise the man for eating what he likes your both on a healthy trip together. Just last week my roomie baked three whole cakes I gave he a little bit of grief for fun but shes not the one that needs to drop the pounds (plus I'm diabetic and she cooked my favorite old school carrot cake-not from box ) I didn't have one slice and instead while she baked those yummy cakes I grilled up some chicken breast and ate a salad. Sure your going t be tempted but you said you had strong will power so you should be okay; your both going about it in a healthy way just different ways to get to the same goals.
In the end hes not trying to sabotage you and like my roomie I'm sure he is supportive of your goals just have different views ...
(on a side note the roomie cooked Red Velvet, Carrot, and German Chocolate Cake and now I'm craving cake just thinking about it lol )0 -
Let him know what your triggers are and be honest. My boyfriend is on here with me, he gets way more calories than I do do do and sometimes it is tough. I let him know he can have his treats but something’s are a huge no, no to me. I want him to enjoy his calories but just do not bring a cheesecake to my door. I will knock your *kitten* down and take it from you!0
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@, stop making cheesecake" and then start with the funny retorts about cheesecake and his waistline for the next 4 weeks, non-stop. Lol.
:laugh: Must be why my husband and I get on so well. I tell him stuff that way all the TIME!! I never hint.
Takes too long for him to figure out if you don't break it down Big Bird right out the gate:laugh: 0 -
My husband and I fought about this for years... I've been told low carb diet by my doctor for years because of insulin resistance and PCOS, but it's so hard to execute this if you aren't living alone. Until recently, there were always treats, tortillas, breads... you name it. You can blame willpower to a certain extent, but the reality is that there needs to be some sort of middle ground. I ended up showing him some literature as to WHY low carb was so important for me to do and he started to understand. He's even on board with me and he's lost weight and looks great too!
I wish you guys luck!0 -
Going through the same thing here. I started going to bed earlier and my husband says that I'm ignoring him. I'm trying to better myself and get more sleep.0
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I TOTALLY understand what you are going through. Before I lost the weight, that's all my husband talked about was me losing weight. Now that I have he doesn't totally understand why I have to go to the gym so much and why I get mad at him for eating all kinds of foods in front of me. He doesn't understand that I still have tempations even though I have lost weight. But just continue to kindly remind him
what you are going through and sooner or later he will pick up on it. :-)0 -
LOLLet him know what your triggers are and be honest. My boyfriend is on here with me, he gets way more calories than I do do do and sometimes it is tough. I let him know he can have his treats but something’s are a huge no, no to me. I want him to enjoy his calories but just do not bring a cheesecake to my door. I will knock your *kitten* down and take it from you!0 -
I would talk to him about it. Men think differently than we do. He may assume that you can eat treats in moderation, since that seems to be what he is able to do. Explain to him that having these treats around is too tempting for you. Good luck!0
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I feel a little bad saying this, but my point of view is that you just have to deal with it. If you're really making a lifestyle change, this is going to happen for the rest of your life and it's not just going to be your husband. I've been eating strict paleo for a year now, and pretty much every time I'm at a restaurant or at someone else's house, they beg me to "just try this" or "just have one, how much can it hurt?" I generally smile with a small laugh and don't respond. If you don't respond, they can't argue with you. Again, IF this is a lifestyle change for you, you need to get used to being able to see the cheesecake and grab something else without even considering the cheesecake as an option.
If anyone else has given up alcohol, they can probably attest to this as people always want you to "just have a drink".
If it helps at all, after 3 or 4 months of really following the diet, it's not about willpower anymore. You just don't consider the other items food anymore.
That said, I do agree that you should straight up tell him "I'm not going to eat those foods and it bothers me that you're trying to get me to eat them. I let you eat how you want to; you need to let me eat how I want to."0 -
Again, IF this is a lifestyle change for you, you need to get used to being able to see the cheesecake and grab something else without even considering the cheesecake as an option.
If anyone else has given up alcohol, they can probably attest to this as people always want you to "just have a drink".
If it helps at all, after 3 or 4 months of really following the diet, it's not about willpower anymore. You just don't consider the other items food anymore.
Yours is certainly the most elegant solution, but it may not work for everyone. It's important not to let the best be the enemy of the good. I'm sure some alcoholics can have liquor in their homes and others can't.
Personally, I have more willpower when everything's in sync, I'm trim, working out, feeling energetic, have a good general sense of physical well-being and am body-conscious in a positive way. There's good reinforcement from all sides. Then I'm a bit more likely to resist ruining it by bad eating.
But even though it isn't strictly logical, if I'm feeling down or bored, out of shape, and stuck in an environment with tempting, high-calorie treats it's harder to ignore them.
At least the OP is honest: She knows that at this point she can't resist cheesecake and she needs to banish it from her midst. This process is hard enough without adding more difficulties.0 -
I would talk to him about it. Men think differently than we do. He may assume that you can eat treats in moderation, since that seems to be what he is able to do. Explain to him that having these treats around is too tempting for you. Good luck!
It's not a male/female thing. Like gratuitous gendering much?0 -
I'm still trying to believe my eyes..........a man made cheesecake? Awesome!
^^ this!!! I couldn't pay my hubs a million bucks to cook!! lol
But on a serious note - Men don't always understand how difficult it is for women to loose weight because it comes right off them so easily. You could have cheesecake every night it you save up your calories and have just a tiny piece , But I understand, and like the rest said you need to just sit him down and tell him exactly how it feels, (and if you gotta cry to get the point over then cry) He can't truly know how you feel until you are just flat out open and honest, sometimes feelings get hurt but that's part of every marriage. Marriage is not about saving your spouses feelings while you are hurting inside. If he can't understand that then I agree with the guy who said throw the junk in the garbage.. ( by the way I too am a sucker for cheesecake. I can't even make it to take somewhere anymore because my weakness is licking the bowl)0 -
I think the biggest thing to understand is, you trying to change your lifestyle does not mean he has to change his. I agree with him that you can eat anything as long as it is in moderation - it takes time to change all eating habits completely.
Let me give you an example in my house... my most 100% favorite food is chinese but I have been choosing not to eat it, however, now it is the #1 take out food my hubby gets. It isn't because he isn't understanding my eating habit changes it is because he enjoys chinese take out - it is completely my choice on whether I eat it or not when he brings it - I am responsible for my choices.
We cannot expect all around us make adjustment to our changes, but we can train ourselves to make the best of choices for ourselves regardless...0 -
Just talk to him about it....my husband commented yesterday that the guys at work keep telling him that I'm getting trim and fit and gearing up to leave him. That's not what it's about at all but I'm sure that struck a nerve in him. However, he has been pretty supportive - grilling meat for me and helping me with the kids a lot so I can workout more.
I wish this would resignate with him but right now he's not interested in making any changes. I'm working out for two hours and coming home to pizza at my house. It's hard but I'm in this to make myself healthier and for me feel better about myself.
I just have to stick to my guns and do what's important to me. If I want to have pizza, I can make the choice to have one piece and stop or have none and eat a different meal. Same thing with my kids, I love cookies but I can't tell my kids we can't buy them ocassionally just because I don't want to eat them. I have to buy them and prove to myself that I don't have to eat them or that I can eat one and stop.0 -
I know for me if I eat something with lots of carbs in it (like cheesecake), I start craving them all the time which causes me to overeat and slide backwards with my weight loss. If that's true for you as well, maybe explain that to your husband. I don't think there's anything wrong with him losing weight his way; however, the same thing doesn't work for all and he should understand that. Perhaps when he makes cheesecake or something else like that, he takes it to work with him. That way he can still enjoy his treats, but so can his co-workers. That seems a win-win to me, he builds relationships with his colleagues by feeding them yummy food, and removes the temptation at your house. He could maybe keep a small piece at home, but not one that will be as tempting to you.0
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However, I think it's a bit selfish of you to assume he will give up foods he loves just because you are.
I've been told that I'm selfish for having things in the house that tempt my husband. Which is it? LOL0 -
I know for me if I eat something with lots of carbs in it (like cheesecake), I start craving them all the time which causes me to overeat and slide backwards with my weight loss. If that's true for you as well, maybe explain that to your husband. I don't think there's anything wrong with him losing weight his way; however, the same thing doesn't work for all and he should understand that. Perhaps when he makes cheesecake or something else like that, he takes it to work with him. That way he can still enjoy his treats, but so can his co-workers. That seems a win-win to me, he builds relationships with his colleagues by feeding them yummy food, and removes the temptation at your house. He could maybe keep a small piece at home, but not one that will be as tempting to you.
I was thinking along these lines, myself.
When I tried to eat "everything in moderation" all I did was obsess over CAKE. Oh, man, I wanted CAKE. I worked out all the time in order to be able to eat CAKE. I would "bank" my extra calorie deficits so that I could have CAKE.
I drove myself crazy and didn't lose any weight. Gained a tiny bit, in fact.
I don't think I can handle sugar. I don't know if it's an addiction thing or what. I just know that when I eat it, I crave it. I crave it and I binge on it. And I get mood swings as an added bonus. Now, if I said "When I have a beer, I crave more beer. I think about wanting more beer ALL THE TIME and I end up binging on it and then I get mood swings...." Well, you'd say I had a problem with alcohol!
But, I haven't eaten any sugar at all for a few days and I feel pretty good. I don't even crave it all that much. I just tell myself. "I don't like sugar. Sugar makes me feel sick." I do this almost as an affirmation. I repeat it whenever I am tempted by sugar. It dispels the temptation. Meanwhile, I'm eating a lot less calories than I did the last time I tried to monitor my food.
So, I like the suggestion of explaining to your husband that you are different from him and this is just how you need to do it. Ask him to not consciously tempt you and to maybe try and keep temptations out of your sight.0 -
I compromised by telling him he can buy junk food I don't like. Mostly he buys dr pepper ( which I hate )0
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Yes this is a difficult issue to address effectively. My husband doesn't eat sweets so thats not a problem here but he does drink wine and is always offering me a glass, or two, or three, at dinner.
I've said to please don't ask and I'll pour what I want but he keeps asking-to be polite? (I don't know, but I really do think that deep down they want us to stay the same.)
So I'm thinking that perhaps setting a specific time limit (like 6 months) and rules and ask that he please respect them to support me because it really important to me-and this time I won't accept excuses.
And BTW-we all give up things we love in marriage in order to support each others dreams, aspirations, and life goals.0 -
I'm one of those that has problems with self control, my hubby on the other hand just has something if he fancies it then can leave what he doesn't want. So I've got him a box for his stuff, he keeps it at the top of the larder, I never go there. That way he can have what he wants and I'll have what I want. Works for us.0
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I have tried it on my own, and tried with the support of a loving spouse.. will let you take a wild guess which worked and which failed.
My first wife was heavier when we got married, i was working out 5 days a week. Instead of trying to eat clean, or coming to the gym, she would sabotage my eating by bringing in foods i craved (which she did not even like), and make me feel guilty about my gym time or planning things in conflict with gym time.. I am not saying those actions are based out of evil intent, but if one spouse if fit and the other is not, its a choice between changing your life or changing the other person.. Lets face it, its often easier to sabotage others than to make those changes in your own life. the results were weight gain for me, and giving up my gym time. After our divorce i put myself into my career 110% and was eating poorly, never exercised and went drinking with the boys FAR too often.
I was blessed to meet my second wife. she IS everything that i always dreamed about and an amazing person. we actually both gained a little weight after we met, because I LOVE cooking and I did have a habit of wanting to spoil her. after we got married, we both realized we wanted to get in shape. I was kinda down in the dumps over my fitness (or lack of fitness) and was exhausted all the time. we both got into working out and on MFP together. we prop each other up on weak days, cheer each other on on good days, and as we improve we notice the number of good days continues to increase.
I read that the chances to drop weight, and to keep it off, are FOUR TIMES higher if your spouse has made changes too. you can do it on your own, but the willpower it takes is extraordinary.
I hope you can educate him that this is something you need and deserve, and I hope he can come along on the Journey with you.. its NOT all about giving up the foods you love, but changing your relationship with food so that those foods are TREATS and not a staple to your daily diet.
good Luck!!
Mike0 -
You need to find some sort of compromise. You can't throw his stuff away, thats rude. And he shouldn't leave it out in the open or at home if he understand what it is you are working so hard to do, thats also rude.
I am pretty sure there are some bombass recipes for healthy snacks that you both could enjoy with whole wheat flour and oats and clean choc chips, bananas, coconut, i could go on and on. And I bet there is a cheesecake one too.
Why not sit him down, talk clearly, directly and honestly and offer some alternative suggestions for treats that work for both of you. I would love if my BF would make me some healthy delicious treats i could feel good about eating with this eating lifestyle i am into now. I think it is a win-win and it will really help him eat healthier, understand your needs and prevent you from feeling guilty if temptation does win out. That, or he brings it to work to share with his coworkers and not leave an entire cheesecake laying around for the both of you to eat ourselves, lol.
Good luck, temptation is tough! :explode:
-Lau0 -
Some people will never understand the struggles of eating disorders. Perhaps if you explain it AA.
Alcoholics can't have drinks in moderation and some people with eating disorders can not have cheesecake in moderation.
Good luck with him but either way, it's about you and not him. You can do this. We are all here for you!
Debbie0 -
This is exactly me and my husband right now. I go to the gym, make healthy dinners and he watches tv and orders pizza.
And it bothered me at first, but the realization that I came to is that it was ME that was having an issue and sort of making it more than it really was. I basically just scolded myself for thinking that he was trying to get me to eat these "bad yummy" things he was, but really it was just me wanting to eat them and being annoyed that he was.
When I figured that out, it was easier for me to ignore that he was still going to keep eating this stuff. It's just not going to change. I had to change my way of thinking. That's really what it came down to.0 -
I like the idea of making the treats he likes, but in a healthier version. For example...here is a cheesecake recipe that will surely fit into anyones calorie goals. Enjoy!
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/612322-92-cal-big-piece-of-strawberry-cheesecake-pic0 -
My son-in-law makes phenomenal cheesecakes. Also my mother-in-law is the one who always always has dessert following a meal. She goes out of her way to have a special dessert even knowing we are working hard at losing weight. I do have a dessert there too but am insistent with her and myself that I have a small portion. I do allow myself to have a special treat especially when others have made an effort to make something homemade. I do watch my portion size; if they dish up a bigger piece, I'll eat it but when I get home I work off those extra calories.
A past passion of mine was treating myself to a Dairy Queen Pecan Cluster Blizzard. How I loved them! One hot summer day I caved in to my past passion and ordered a SMALL blizzard. Once I logged that SMALL blizzard in, I found out it had like 700 calories!!! OUCH! I forced myself to exercise with my weighted hoola hoop until I exercised those 700 calories off. Have I had a blizzard since then. No, thank you. However, when we do go to the D.Q., I now am very content having a dilly bar.
I have also found that when I have stopped or lessened my consumption of sweet foods, that when I do have it, it may taste really good while going down but then my body screams at me, 'What are you doing to me?'
Since your husband likes to bake or cook, perhaps he is missing having that connection with you. Perhaps he just misses sharing that gifting of his with his lovely wife. Is he really trying sabotage you losing weight? Maybe you need to find out new ways of connecting................0 -
My Husband and I are also doing MFP together and have slightly different ideas about what we should be eating.
We're making it work through compromise and respect.
Mostly we are finding healthy portions/versions of things we both like to eat (the compromise part).
When that isn't possible then we just eat DIY / different dinners/meals
- and agree to disagree and leave it at that (the respect part).
On a side note though - I am constantly GALLED at how much higher his calorie count can be than mine!
Which leaves me trying NOT to compare how much more generous his portions are to mine!!
Which brings me to my 'pennies worth' on your situation
- and the conclusion that I suspect you have already reached yourself!
You really do need to find a kind but direct way of making him understand that the taunting and coaxing,
while not meant vindictively, is genuinely upsetting for you.
And more importantly - it's distracting your attention away from working on your goals!
And I also love the portion-freezer suggestion - which saves perfectly good food from going to waste!!0 -
I'm still trying to believe my eyes..........a man made cheesecake? Awesome!
Haha, he loves to cook and bake! Which is awesome but results in all kinds of treats I can't eat!
Thank you all for the advice! What I'm getting the most of is that I need to be direct and honest. I don't want to offend him so I have to be careful how I word it. But I need to be direct so there's no misunderstanding. I really appreciate the responses, thanks so much!
Men have moments of weakness just like us girls. Especially when creativity strikes in the kitchen! I'm willing to bet that he knows cheesecake shouldn't be on his diet, either. Why don't you suggest that he try out a new kind of cooking that you can both enjoy, such as low cal/low fat sauces and marinades for lean meat, soups, or Mediterranean dishes. Also, I've tried several diabetic dessert recipes and found a few that I adore!
He might get excited about flexing his creative muscle in the kitchen, and being your dietary hero at the same time, if you just show him the way.0 -
I would talk to him about it. Men think differently than we do. He may assume that you can eat treats in moderation, since that seems to be what he is able to do. Explain to him that having these treats around is too tempting for you. Good luck!
It's not a male/female thing. Like gratuitous gendering much?
OMG, this. Nothing annoys me more.
Also, idg why people are making this all or nothing. Why can't the OP's spouse make individual sized portions? I get that willpower will be a factor in the long-term, but in your own home you should be able to relax without constantly struggling with temptation. If the OP's spouse made an individual piece of the treat he is craving and ate it, rather than making a full size cake, wouldn't that be a good compromise?
Or, and I know this is extreme, if he likes sweet/crisps, why not get a little lockbox and keep them in there? And make it clear that he is NOT to offer them to you.0 -
I would talk to him about it. Men think differently than we do. He may assume that you can eat treats in moderation, since that seems to be what he is able to do. Explain to him that having these treats around is too tempting for you. Good luck!
It's not a male/female thing. Like gratuitous gendering much?
OMG, this. Nothing annoys me more.
There are some pretty powerful studies that prove that men think and react differently to women. I think the big thing is usually that they are much more visual. So a woman will have an idea and work with it, while a man will work much better when he sees results.
Of COURSE there are exceptions to this and not everyone fits the gender stereotype, but what if in this instance, they do?
At the moment it sounds like he is seeing his results and trying to get them to work for you, if you persevere, it will get easier to show him that your way is working. Then it will be easier to explain how you want to/need to work differently.
Doesn't really sound like sabotage to me. There is some great advice here, you know what works for your relationship so keep us posted how you go!0
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