Really need some support.. non-weight loss related..

Jessastar

My mother and I had gotten into a really bad fight today, well we've been getting to fights earlier.. but today she had gotten into it with me because I drained the sink full of silver wear when it was cold and I was going to wash it.

Basically, one thing led to another and she called me a failure, both as a daughter and a person. I just really need some encouragement right now. I can't stop crying and I know I shouldn't probably post this **** on here but I don't know what to do.

I don't know what I did wrong, I spoke the truth and called her out on all her lies.

All she does is go on the computer and hasn't spent ANY time with me in over 6 years..And I clean the house, clean up after everyone including my 23 year old slob of a brother and herself, and she doesn't appreciate anything I do and she expects me to do all this PLUS look for a job and give her money while she sits on her *kitten* and stays on the computer in her room..

She got mad at me for pretty much standing my ground and she wants to keep me trapped with no life (honestly..she purposely moved to an area where you NEED to have a car, otherwise you're stuck in the house, and she doesn't even want me to go see my friends in my old neighborhood.)

I feel like I don't even have a mother because she doesn't even want to give me the time of day. When I try to make the effort, she shuts me out.. She would rather go to her boyfriend of 3 years then spend time with me. She only spends time with me if it's something she wants to. & She just.. GAH. I don't know.. She doesn't appreciate anything I do at all..she even wanted me to graduate high school early so I can stay at home and clean..honestly that's what she told me.



I don't know what to do.. I'm so stressed I even had pains from it...

support, please? =/

Jessastar

Anyone.. ?

boldtsmith

I’m sorry to hear about your situation but it is far more common than you may believe. You need to find your loving support outside the home. Surround yourself with people who love you and treat you lovingly. Family is not always able to do that unfortunately. If you do not yet have that circle of love and support that you need and deserve, find it, make it. It can sustain you in the home you have and prepare you for a healthy home of your own someday. Find a ready-made community; church, choir, basket weaving—it doesn’t matter. There are many loving people close to you right now and if they knew you were in pain, would embrace you into their community.

For now--take some from me

wellbert

Move out.

clubnoir

Hey...don't let her put you down...it sounds like she is taking out her problems and frustrations out on you!!

How old are you?

BrianSharpe

It sounds like your mother has problems of her own, but they're her problems not yours (or shouldn't be anyway)

It's time to stop doing all the cleaning & cooking etc and start thinking about other living arrangements. No one needs this kind of emotional abuse.

Jessastar

I’m sorry to hear about your situation but it is far more common than you may believe. You need to find your loving support outside the home. Surround yourself with people who love you and treat you lovingly. Family is not always able to do that unfortunately. If you do not yet have that circle of love and support that you need and deserve, find it, make it. It can sustain you in the home you have and prepare you for a healthy home of your own someday. Find a ready-made community; church, choir, basket weaving—it doesn’t matter. There are many loving people close to you right now and if they knew you were in pain, would embrace you into their community.

For now--take some from me

thank you..

jenillawafer

I dealt with a similar issue regarding my father. Moving out was the best decision I ever made, period. Even if it's not more than a few miles, we have a better relationship because of it. When you're gone, they'll have no one but themselves to depend on. This will ultimately give them that realization of what kind of burden they put on you, whether it was intentional or not.

Jessastar

Hey...don't let her put you down...it sounds like she is taking out her problems and frustrations out on you!!

How old are you?

I'm 19.
It's hard to not let her put me down, lately she's just been negative towards EVERYTHING..even my wonderful children(dogs)

Jessastar

It sounds like your mother has problems of her own, but they're her problems not yours (or shouldn't be anyway)

It's time to stop doing all the cleaning & cooking etc and start thinking about other living arrangements. No one needs this kind of emotional abuse.

I don't have a job..& no one wants to hire me that's why I pretty much need support and love from MFP friends, so I can deal with this right now positively..

Jessastar

I dealt with a similar issue regarding my father. Moving out was the best decision I ever made, period. Even if it's not more than a few miles, we have a better relationship because of it. When you're gone, they'll have no one but themselves to depend on. This will ultimately give them that realization of what kind of burden they put on you, whether it was intentional or not.

I think moving out would be a better solution..because right now I honestly don't feel any love for my mother. I have felt like this for years.. but I can't because I don't have a job and no one wants to hire me..I applied everywhere over and over..

Krys_140

Jessastar, I'm so sorry that you're in pain. Feeling stuck in any situation you don't have control over can be maddening, and when family gets involved, it can cause an emotional spiral that can quickly get out of control.

It sounds like you're feeling a few things right now. I'm hearing frustration at not being appreciated, wanting to spend time with your mother, and missing your friends.

Maybe a non-confrontational conversation with your mother would help? Let her know that you miss spending quality time with her. Give her some specific examples of things you two did together that you really enjoyed. Remind her how much fun you two can have together. Remind yourself, too...

Then, maybe you could calmly explain that you also miss spending time with your friends. Tell her that you're lonely, and ask her if she can help you come up with a plan for seeing them more often.

If the two of you can get through both of those conversations in a positive frame of mind, then you could tackle the resentment you feel over the chores you are expected to complete. Saying that you feel unappreciated is a valid statement. Try not to say "you don't appreciate anything I do", because you don't know whether or not your mother appreciates you. All you know is that you don't feel appreciated.

You can also let her know how hurt you felt when you heard her say that you're a failure. Give her an opportunity to apologize.

Overall, the best chance you have for getting through this is to approach it as calmly and rationally as possible. Do your best to explain how you feel, without ever saying anything that she could consider a judgment against her. She may already feel guilty for how she's been treating you, and pointing out the very flaws that she's feeling bad about could put her in a defensive frame of mind, and immediately close her off to any meaningful conversation.

Good luck, Jessastar. Feel free to add me, if you need more support.

bsgkid

I wish we could do more for you. So many of us have walked the path that you are on with your mom. Unfortunately, sometimes others' loathing of themselves gets projected onto us, especially when we refuse to follow that same path. Know that you are worth being loved and appreciated for the gem that you are. Begin planning the steps necessary to find your own way, and don't just react in the moment, no matter how frustrated you are. :flowerforyou: Let us know how we can help. Friend me if you would like.

Jessastar

Jessastar, I'm so sorry that you're in pain. Feeling stuck in any situation you don't have control over can be maddening, and when family gets involved, it can cause an emotional spiral that can quickly get out of control.

It sounds like you're feeling a few things right now. I'm hearing frustration at not being appreciated, wanting to spend time with your mother, and missing your friends.

Maybe a non-confrontational conversation with your mother would help? Let her know that you miss spending quality time with her. Give her some specific examples of things you two did together that you really enjoyed. Remind her how much fun you two can have together. Remind yourself, too...

Then, maybe you could calmly explain that you also miss spending time with your friends. Tell her that you're lonely, and ask her if she can help you come up with a plan for seeing them more often.

If the two of you can get through both of those conversations in a positive frame of mind, then you could tackle the resentment you feel over the chores you are expected to complete. Saying that you feel unappreciated is a valid statement. Try not to say "you don't appreciate anything I do", because you don't know whether or not your mother appreciates you. All you know is that you don't feel appreciated.

You can also let her know how hurt you felt when you heard her say that you're a failure. Give her an opportunity to apologize.

Overall, the best chance you have for getting through this is to approach it as calmly and rationally as possible. Do your best to explain how you feel, without ever saying anything that she could consider a judgment against her. She may already feel guilty for how she's been treating you, and pointing out the very flaws that she's feeling bad about could put her in a defensive frame of mind, and immediately close her off to any meaningful conversation.

Good luck, Jessastar. Feel free to add me, if you need more support.

I really appreciate your commentary, but i've tried that. I can't talk to my mother because she refuses to listen. All she cares about is the computer, and her boyfriend. She constantly blames me for my dad leaving us to go to oklahoma and she blames me that her marriage went to ****. My mom doesn't want to spend time with me, she would rather go out and drink and party leaving me to take care of everything else.

****, I don't even know if she'll come home safe because I won't hear from her for days when she leaves.

I tried talking to her, and avoided all that poor sentencing.. but she doesn't want to listen at all to what I have to say.. She doesn't care and would rather listen to something that will benefit her.

WarriorReady

It sounds like your mother has problems of her own, but they're her problems not yours (or shouldn't be anyway)

It's time to stop doing all the cleaning & cooking etc and start thinking about other living arrangements. No one needs this kind of emotional abuse.

AGREED!

75Juniper

Move out.

Yep. Situations like this are usually no-win and the best thing to do is get away from it.

jenillawafer

I dealt with a similar issue regarding my father. Moving out was the best decision I ever made, period. Even if it's not more than a few miles, we have a better relationship because of it. When you're gone, they'll have no one but themselves to depend on. This will ultimately give them that realization of what kind of burden they put on you, whether it was intentional or not.

I think moving out would be a better solution..because right now I honestly don't feel any love for my mother. I have felt like this for years.. but I can't because I don't have a job and no one wants to hire me..I applied everywhere over and over..

Maybe a friend/family family member could take you in temporarily until your financial situation is taken care of? Seriously, don't give up. There's a lot of people that would give anything to have a relationship with their parents, even if it's a rocky one. In the mean time, you're just going to have to deal with where you're at. Keep job hunting and stand you're ground. Life isn't always going to hand you things on a silver platter. You have to work for what you want. In the end, you'll learn a lot from what you went through and hopefully, be a stronger, more independent person because of it.

Jessastar

I wish we could do more for you. So many of us have walked the path that you are on with your mom. Unfortunately, sometimes others' loathing of themselves gets projected onto us, especially when we refuse to follow that same path. Know that you are worth being loved and appreciated for the gem that you are. Begin planning the steps necessary to find your own way, and don't just react in the moment, no matter how frustrated you are. :flowerforyou: Let us know how we can help. Friend me if you would like.

Just need someone there to tell me it's okay.. and to help me deal with this more positively..

I do have a major fault, and that's holding my anger in ti'll I explode. Which I ended up doing to her today.. but after she called me that, plus much more.. I just feel..****ty..worthless..

I don't know, i'm sure you understand what I mean, just I have a poor choice of words right now due to anxiety....

I just need a friend I guess.. to let me know I'm not alone. Because right now I feel like I am.

Diary_Queen

My mother is the same way... i just do my own thing. If the house damn well rots around all of us, then so be it. I'm not anyone's slave! If the dishes are all dirty, I'll eat my food off a papertowel. I'm not particular... she can do her part or shut the hell up. Of course, it's my house too and I take care of my kids, but I refuse to take care of a grown person that is capable of taking care of themselves. I don't wash her dishes, I don't wash her clothes, I don't buy her crap for her. I basically just stopped. If she wants to pitch a fit like a child, then I listen and go about my business -- she finally started taking care of her own crap and leaving me the hell alone. It's much better that way. I know exactly what it's like with no support. If I have to come home and cook dinner, fine... will do. If she doesn't like what I make, she knows where the bread and lunch meat is. I refuse to be treated like a prisoner in my own home. The less I tell her, the better.

angelicarubi

My mother and I had gotten into a really bad fight today, well we've been getting to fights earlier.. but today she had gotten into it with me because I drained the sink full of silver wear when it was cold and I was going to wash it.

Basically, one thing led to another and she called me a failure, both as a daughter and a person. I just really need some encouragement right now. I can't stop crying and I know I shouldn't probably post this **** on here but I don't know what to do.

I don't know what I did wrong, I spoke the truth and called her out on all her lies.

All she does is go on the computer and hasn't spent ANY time with me in over 6 years..And I clean the house, clean up after everyone including my 23 year old slob of a brother and herself, and she doesn't appreciate anything I do and she expects me to do all this PLUS look for a job and give her money while she sits on her *kitten* and stays on the computer in her room..

She got mad at me for pretty much standing my ground and she wants to keep me trapped with no life (honestly..she purposely moved to an area where you NEED to have a car, otherwise you're stuck in the house, and she doesn't even want me to go see my friends in my old neighborhood.)

I feel like I don't even have a mother because she doesn't even want to give me the time of day. When I try to make the effort, she shuts me out.. She would rather go to her boyfriend of 3 years then spend time with me. She only spends time with me if it's something she wants to. & She just.. GAH. I don't know.. She doesn't appreciate anything I do at all..she even wanted me to graduate high school early so I can stay at home and clean..honestly that's what she told me.



I don't know what to do.. I'm so stressed I even had pains from it...

support, please? =/

I know exactly how you feel. I went through this my whole life. Never felt like anybody loved me and I hated myself for that. It wasnt until I ran away with a man 18yrs older then me that she realized she was taking me for granted. I am not saying do that, but what I can say your mother does love you she just cares more about her self right now. I think you should find a friend who will allow you so stay with them and get out of there for the weekend. She will probably tell you NO if she is anything like my mom but go anyway and if she gets angry tel her you are 19 and can do as you please! Call the cops if she gets too agressive. She can not stop you from doing as you plese anymore. Do not let her bully you! They are places you can go people you can talk to whom can help you get a job and have a place to stay you just have to look.

edited to add

my mom used to call me names and make me feel worthless also. She would call me a ***** and make fun of how fat i was. all my life she put me on diets and i never went through with them because i wanted her to accept me for me. her and my brothers would laugh at how fat i was and gaing up on me. I know it's hard an you feel horrible but dont let her bring you down. You are beautiful and you do not desereve it.You hear that you do not desereve it no matter what you did or said to her you are her child she needs to act like a mom. You are not in the wrong. i am proud of you for sticking up for yourself:D

Mykaelous

My mother and I had gotten into a really bad fight today, well we've been getting to fights earlier.. but today she had gotten into it with me because I drained the sink full of silver wear when it was cold and I was going to wash it.

Basically, one thing led to another and she called me a failure, both as a daughter and a person. I just really need some encouragement right now. I can't stop crying and I know I shouldn't probably post this **** on here but I don't know what to do.

I don't know what I did wrong, I spoke the truth and called her out on all her lies.

All she does is go on the computer and hasn't spent ANY time with me in over 6 years..And I clean the house, clean up after everyone including my 23 year old slob of a brother and herself, and she doesn't appreciate anything I do and she expects me to do all this PLUS look for a job and give her money while she sits on her *kitten* and stays on the computer in her room..

She got mad at me for pretty much standing my ground and she wants to keep me trapped with no life (honestly..she purposely moved to an area where you NEED to have a car, otherwise you're stuck in the house, and she doesn't even want me to go see my friends in my old neighborhood.)

I feel like I don't even have a mother because she doesn't even want to give me the time of day. When I try to make the effort, she shuts me out.. She would rather go to her boyfriend of 3 years then spend time with me. She only spends time with me if it's something she wants to. & She just.. GAH. I don't know.. She doesn't appreciate anything I do at all..she even wanted me to graduate high school early so I can stay at home and clean..honestly that's what she told me.



I don't know what to do.. I'm so stressed I even had pains from it...

support, please? =/

Nothing I can say can help you, this is something you will have to figure out for yourself and hopefully you will be the better for it. Its moments like this that make you into the person that you are going to be for better or worse the choice is yours.

Now for what will be easy to understand but difficult to accept. You can never get back what you never really had. You also cannot change other people, either accept them or leave them. Sometimes you cant leave people so you just have to deal with them. All things do heal with time but take the energy/emotion you feel right now and channel it into doing something for yourself. Lastly appreciate this moment because if you were never tested you would never know the person who you really are.

littlelaura

I would say if you have not gone to college , do that come September, even take some summer class, apply now and live on campus come the fall.

If you cant go to college or dont want to, then think about getting into a trade like hairdressing that requires less schooling. Try looking up your local state dept and take state exams to land a job, that is the best if you dont want or cant go on to college. That would help you keep getting higher advancement and earning potential and freedom from your home life to get your own apartment.

I cant explain your Mom, sounds like she is depressed and zoning out in an online fantasy world because she cant cope with whatever has overwhelmed her in her own life. I am sure she doesnt mean to take it out on you but when people are suffering depression they lash out at times, there is no excuse and it doesnt make it right but maybe easier for those its happening too to understand.

I would not bother to get into fights with her, just agree or walk away as it will fall on deaf ears , let as much of it go as you can, and just worry about you, get your life in order, you are young and have so much to look forward too if you go about it the right way. At 19 your not a child and you can find a way if you want out of your moms house. If you live under her roof at any age you do need to repect her rules even if you dont like them as it is her house and she may or may not be reasonable or fair.

Get looking into state exams, get established in a job , see if a relative can let you stay for cheap or free with them, and work on saving to get an apartment.

Krys_140

I really appreciate your commentary, but i've tried that. I can't talk to my mother because she refuses to listen. All she cares about is the computer, and her boyfriend. She constantly blames me for my dad leaving us to go to oklahoma and she blames me that her marriage went to ****. My mom doesn't want to spend time with me, she would rather go out and drink and party leaving me to take care of everything else.

****, I don't even know if she'll come home safe because I won't hear from her for days when she leaves.

I tried talking to her, and avoided all that poor sentencing.. but she doesn't want to listen at all to what I have to say.. She doesn't care and would rather listen to something that will benefit her.

Well, it's no wonder you're completely stressed out! And, no - you're not alone. Many of us have been in really crappy situations, and have endured emotional abuse, which is what it sounds like your mom is doing. It wasn't my mom that was emotionally abusive, but I went through it, too.

There have been a lot of good suggestions on here. I'll offer you one last bit of advice: if your mom is so eager for you to get a job, maybe she'll let you borrow the car more regularly. You can of course use it to keep applying for jobs, but try to find a place near you where you can start to build up that personal support network that was recommended earlier.

In the meantime - I'll say it again - you are not alone. And you're not anything your mother may tell you you are.

lamos1

I haven't read anyone elses replies, but sounds like your mom is unhappy with her life so she wants to make your life miserable too! If you don't mind me asking, does she do drugs or alcohol? If so, that could be her problem, but if not, don't let her bring down your spirits. You are not the first one that has dealt with a parent that acts like this and you won't be the last.

What I would do if I were you is enroll in college somewhere and get a pell grant to pay for it and also live in the dorms. You need to get away from your mother and you also need an education so you can be able to get a good job and support yourself. You can also do a work study program where you work at school and get paid. That is the only fastest way of getting out of her house. Don't cry because when you do that, she is the one winning. She wants you to be miserable. Don't give her the satisfaction!

You just need to make moving out of her home your main goal. She can't stop you from going anywhere because you are an adult. Stand your ground, stop cleaning her house, stop doing things for her and stop her from disrespecting you. I always say, "you teach people how to treat you" and if you allow her to treat you bad she will always do it. Stand up for what is right for you and she may show some respect toward you. You just got to be firm with her.

I hope everything can work itself out. Keep us updated!

gwyn48

SO sorry that you're feeling this way.:embarassed:

I once heard a saying: Friends are what God gives us as an apology for family.

You are not responsible, nor can you control the way another (your mother) acts or feels! So her being unhappy (cause she is-that's why she lashed out at you so hurtfully) really has nothing to do with you. You also can't do ANYTHING to make her happy

ONLY YOU can make you happy.

It is an endless and unfulfilling route when we think we change what we do and someone else will be happy.

You are only 19. You have your whole life ahead of you & it is obvious because you are feeling so hurt, that you are a very sensitive and loving woman. You really should think about moving out away from this negative influence.

Your smart! Try to think of another way to make money besides the "normal job". You clean. How about putting up signs in town for a cleaning service. Or asking a local business if they will pay you to clean their office once a week.
Think about places you could volunteer at. Alot of time places like you so much they create jobs for you. Think outside the box.

Maybe a seasonal place (like an ice cream shack) will be opening soon. Talk to the OWNERS. Most of my jobs when I was young was because I would start talking to the owner of a place and make a few suggestions about improving their place and they kept me in mind when an opening came up.

YOu can do this!!!

75Juniper

Maybe I grew up in a different time, but I don't agree with the advice about doing nothing around the house. Unless you are paying rent, it is her house and her rules. You can certainly walk away when she belittles you (and you should), but I don't think you should stop contributing completely. Because you are 19, she technically doesn't have to let you live there, and you don't want her to kick you out before you are ready to be on your own.

starla5881

Hang in there! You're really not alone! I realize that it's hard when you don't have a car, but I'd spend as much time out of the house as possible. Take long walks or runs. The exercise will help clear your mind and strengthen your body, and give you time to plan your exit strategy. The answer will present itself, and in the meantime, be strong!

meshashesha2012

sorry this happened to you.

i havent read the other replies yet so i'm not sure if anyone has mentioned the fact that this fight is probably less about how she feels about you and more about how she feels about herself. i think lots of times mothers regret things that they didnt do in their lives and start pinning their hopes on their daughter and try living through them.

i had a similar relationship with my mother and honestly it never got better until i moved out moved away from it.

good luck!! :flowerforyou:

becoming_a_new_me

Here's my take based upon your replies and the situation that you are in. You are 19. Enroll in college and move to the dorms. Take advantage of the free medical coverage for students to go to counseling. Stop enabling, stop complaining, and make a change in a positive direction. You are in a no-win co-dependent situation. Of course, I have also learned from my own family that there are two sides to every coin, and we may not be getting the entire story. Taking this situation at face value though...get out and make a life for yourself....no excuses.

bigdawg025

Here's my take based upon your replies and the situation that you are in. You are 19. Enroll in college and move to the dorms. Take advantage of the free medical coverage for students to go to counseling. Stop enabling, stop complaining, and make a change in a positive direction. You are in a no-win co-dependent situation. Of course, I have also learned from my own family that there are two sides to every coin, and we may not be getting the entire story. Taking this situation at face value though...get out and make a life for yourself....no excuses.

THIS^^^^^ 100,000%!!!!

I was going to post something very similar. Go to school... get a student loan or grant or whatever it takes, but go. Move into the dorms... away from home. You have to take control of YOU! Nobody else has control over you. You either CHOOSE to remain the victim and in that situation or you fix it. You are not a child anymore... you're an adult!

graelwyn

It sounds like your mother has problems of her own, but they're her problems not yours (or shouldn't be anyway)

It's time to stop doing all the cleaning & cooking etc and start thinking about other living arrangements. No one needs this kind of emotional abuse.

I agree with the above post.
You deserve your own life, and from the sounds of it, your mother is simply using you to enable her own underwhelming lifestyle.
Find a means to move out, stop being a slave, you are not a slave and focus on getting some supportive people in your life.

Feel free to add me and message me anytime you are wanting a listening ear or advice. I might have my own issues, but I am always happy to help others with theirs where I can.