Really need some support.. non-weight loss related..

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  • Jessastar
    Jessastar Posts: 234
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    Here's my take based upon your replies and the situation that you are in. You are 19. Enroll in college and move to the dorms. Take advantage of the free medical coverage for students to go to counseling. Stop enabling, stop complaining, and make a change in a positive direction. You are in a no-win co-dependent situation. Of course, I have also learned from my own family that there are two sides to every coin, and we may not be getting the entire story. Taking this situation at face value though...get out and make a life for yourself....no excuses.


    This is the best advice when i messaged her she just said she doesnt have a car nobody will hire her and sounds to me like excuses also, but i do not know they full story so can't judge.

    It's not an excuse.
    Whatever, it was a mistake posting this, I just wanted someone to be there for me.
    I tried everything. And look, i'm still here.
    I had 6 interviews, and they all said I can't because I don't have a car.
    Think whatever you guys want, excuse or not. I really don't care anymore.
    BUt I am getting out of here within the next month since I figured that out.

    I'm not making excuses. I'm telling you how it is over here. We're not all blessed with people who will hire without a car or transportation.
  • DawnMcUK
    DawnMcUK Posts: 53
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    I am much older than you, but when I was 16/17 my life was **** too. I was neglected, emotionally and physically abused and felt I had nowhere to turn. I don't know how it works in the US, but here in UK our local authorities can work with you to find alternative accommodation and receive benefits to pay rent until you are on your feet again.

    I slowly but surely began to choose a 'family' that I loved, and who loved me too. Build a family from friends, new neighbours, and even pets and surround yourself with unconditional support. It takes time, and when you are so low and your self esteem is almost zero, building up the confidence to fight back is a scary thought, and sometimes it's easier to give in and submit.

    But, you ARE an adult. You ARE worthy of love and affection. You ARE a beautiful, intelligent and independent young woman who is in charge of her own destiny. You CAN change this. You CAN be assertive and stand your ground. But most of all you CAN be happy. You CAN overcome the feelings of failure and neglect. And you absolutely DESERVE to be loved, appreciated, validated and supported.
    Only you can change this. Your Mum won't change her behaviour if you keep accepting it. Your life is what is most important, so concentrate on believing in yourself, as all of we whom have taken the time to reply believe in you, and start the next chapter of your life knowing YOU are in control.

    Feel free to add me if you need a friend.

    Good luck x
  • Jessastar
    Jessastar Posts: 234
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    Maybe I grew up in a different time, but I don't agree with the advice about doing nothing around the house. Unless you are paying rent, it is her house and her rules. You can certainly walk away when she belittles you (and you should), but I don't think you should stop contributing completely. Because you are 19, she technically doesn't have to let you live there, and you don't want her to kick you out before you are ready to be on your own.

    I understand & respect that.. but she also has a 23 year old son that does nothing but trashes up the place with garbage when I'm done cleaning. Her and I had an agreement a long time ago that she makes her son pick up after himself since he doesn't work either, yet she wants me to go to his room and clean up after him when he's on the computer playing games.
  • ZoeyRobinson
    ZoeyRobinson Posts: 301
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    I hate to say it but sometimes you have you cut out family. If they are toxic to you sometimes its best to cut and run. Living at home is difficult and there are no jobs out there. Trust me I have been unemployed for years and have applied everywhere. I know it is hard but try to ignore her and try to find a hobby that gets you out of the house. Go meet friends somewhere, continue to apply for jobs, just keep your mind distracted and do your best to avoid her.

    Have you tried talking to your brother? Can he help pitch in and help you get out of the house?
  • DawnMcUK
    DawnMcUK Posts: 53
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    Don't let negativity get you down. Only you know your situation so don't be offended by those who don't, and make assumptions.

    Your mental state is extremely important and valid, and getting angry is the easiest way to vent your frustration and anxiety, but bottling it up and blowing out, despite getting it off your chest, is only making things worse for you. It seems like adults and others (even here) think you are belligerent and making excuses for not changing your situation, but as we get older and wiser, we tend to forget how difficult and emotionally straining these situations are for teenagers and young adults.

    The things you have said about work, travel etc are not excuses, they are reasons for the way you are feeling trapped and alone. It is a hard spiral of no work = no money = no self esteem = no motivation = anxiety = frayed attitude = misinterpretation of who you are etc. = no work...

    Verbalising things either vocally or in a blog etc helps to relieve the stress but until you start believing in yourself and realising that you can affect change, the cycle will continue...even when living with your dad...

    We can chat privately if you like x
  • TravisBurns
    TravisBurns Posts: 353 Member
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    I've had my fair share of legitimate family issues. My family is pretty broken and dysfunctional for the most part. I've dealt with a lot, especially with my dad. He went through a weird phase where he wasn't himself at all, me and him actually physically fought twice. I never thought i'd see the day where im throwing my dad on the ground and fighting with him. He is getting help now, but I understand family issues for sure no matter how big or small. Feel free to add me if you feel up for it and would like someone to talk with.
  • ZoeyRobinson
    ZoeyRobinson Posts: 301
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    I forgot to add... is there decent public transportation where you live? Can you apply for assistance you are 19 right? You don't have any other relatives you can move in with? I know you cannot pay rent but ask a relative for help if you do the cooking, cleaning and laundry.
  • Jessastar
    Jessastar Posts: 234
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    I forgot to add... is there decent public transportation where you live? Can you apply for assistance you are 19 right? You don't have any other relatives you can move in with? I know you cannot pay rent but ask a relative for help if you do the cooking, cleaning and laundry.

    No. There's no public transportation here. The closest train station is 45 minutes away by car.
    The closest buses are in another city that I can't get to.

    No one wants to help, that's why I'm here. I'm the one who does everything and my brother makes everything worse. He doesn't shower for weeks, he has moldy food everywhere that he leaves, and my mom doesn't do **** about it. My mom hates when I ask her to cook ONCE when I'm not either feeling well, or if I'm doing something else.

    I'm not trying to shut down your idea though.. and I'm not trying to give attitude..I really do appreciate your reply on here and the other one. (which is why I'm replying about that one on this post. )
  • dianniejt
    dianniejt Posts: 175 Member
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    Here's my take based upon your replies and the situation that you are in. You are 19. Enroll in college and move to the dorms. Take advantage of the free medical coverage for students to go to counseling. Stop enabling, stop complaining, and make a change in a positive direction. You are in a no-win co-dependent situation. Of course, I have also learned from my own family that there are two sides to every coin, and we may not be getting the entire story. Taking this situation at face value though...get out and make a life for yourself....no excuses.


    ^^Agreed. Sounds like she is just like my mom. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I hope you can make things better for yourself. College would benefit you in a lot of ways.
  • Jessastar
    Jessastar Posts: 234
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    Don't let negativity get you down. Only you know your situation so don't be offended by those who don't, and make assumptions.

    You're right.. it's just so frustrating that people think I'm making excuses when I'm not.. There's literally no way I can go to college or get a job and I wish people would understand that but I can't expect them to because they don't live with my situation.
  • Elf_Princess1210
    Elf_Princess1210 Posts: 895 Member
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    Since you're of age, you don't have to stay with her. Call one of your friends and see if they'll put you up until you can get a place of your own, car, and a job. You could also join the military, which will get you out and amongst other people your age and will help you gain self esteem. I sent you a friends request, feel free to message me as often as you like
  • Jessastar
    Jessastar Posts: 234
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    Since you're of age, you don't have to stay with her. Call one of your friends and see if they'll put you up until you can get a place of your own, car, and a job. You could also join the military, which will get you out and amongst other people your age and will help you gain self esteem. I sent you a friends request, feel free to message me as often as you like

    I'm moving in about a month, my father is coming to get me, but it's going to be hard because I haven't heard from him in 7 months and we never exactly had a good relationship.. but got to work with it I guess..
  • SurfinBird1981
    SurfinBird1981 Posts: 517 Member
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    Move out.

    Yep...
  • Jessastar
    Jessastar Posts: 234
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    Move out.

    Yep...

    Again, I am. Within the next month or two. right now I can't because.
    I.
    Have.
    No.
    Car.
  • AZDee
    AZDee Posts: 129 Member
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    Sounds like you have a plan, you are leaving to join your Dad in a month, stay calm and in control of your situation until that time happens. Best if you lay low....do what you can, say very little, your time will be here shortly. Make the most out of your time with your Dad, start dreaming now of what you want to do, let your dreams carry you this next month. Hurting people hurt others....no excuses just understanding....Friend me if you would like a friend....will be praying for you, Take care...
  • Jessastar
    Jessastar Posts: 234
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    Sounds like you have a plan, you are leaving to join your Dad in a month, stay calm and in control of your situation until that time happens. Best if you lay low....do what you can, say very little, your time will be here shortly. Make the most out of your time with your Dad, start dreaming now of what you want to do, let your dreams carry you this next month. Hurting people hurt others....no excuses just understanding....Friend me if you would like a friend....will be praying for you, Take care...

    Finally, a post that isn't saying I should just move out now, or that I need to stop complaining or with the excuses. thank you for this advice.
  • mariajae
    mariajae Posts: 18
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    The nice thing about college is that you do not need a car. You can pull together tax returns and file your FAFSA so you can get student aid (loans, grants, etc.) and check out schools online. It will give you something to plan towards as you are waiting/enduring the summer (or just the next month). Once you are accepted, all you need is one time transportation to get to your college/university where you can live in the dorms, eat on campus, make friends, etc. Even if you only decide to go for 2 years, it will open your eyes to all of the possibilities in the world around you. I still consider the friends I made in college to be some of my closest and dearest friends - and I graduated 15 years ago!

    I have found that planning and looking at possibilities has kept me going during times in my life when I feel trapped or stagnant. I may not be able to escape today - or even this week - but I can plan and prepare for what I will do when I am free to move about again. It gives me hope.
  • arcticfox04
    arcticfox04 Posts: 1,011 Member
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    Best thing is to move along you have your whole life ahead of you. Clearly your mother refuses to grow up. Even if your father is a rough relationship he surely can be repaired.
  • Jessastar
    Jessastar Posts: 234
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    The nice thing about college is that you do not need a car. You can pull together tax returns and file your FAFSA so you can get student aid (loans, grants, etc.) and check out schools online. It will give you something to plan towards as you are waiting/enduring the summer (or just the next month). Once you are accepted, all you need is one time transportation to get to your college/university where you can live in the dorms, eat on campus, make friends, etc. Even if you only decide to go for 2 years, it will open your eyes to all of the possibilities in the world around you. I still consider the friends I made in college to be some of my closest and dearest friends - and I graduated 15 years ago!

    I have found that planning and looking at possibilities has kept me going during times in my life when I feel trapped or stagnant. I may not be able to escape today - or even this week - but I can plan and prepare for what I will do when I am free to move about again. It gives me hope.

    How do I file for FAFSA? I never even heard of it. Can you explain some more?
  • SusanMcAvoy
    SusanMcAvoy Posts: 445 Member
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    I agree about going to school or join the military. Preferably school. Student aid and student loans will sustain you. You must get an education in order to make it in life. I came from a very dysfunctional family and was abandoned and neglected as a child. My mother even lied to her husband that I was her daughter. She didn't raise me.. didn't want me. I had a tough go of it. Had 3 children but unfortunately married an abusive *kitten*. So what I did was kick him out and went to school with student loans. It was the only way I could eventually support myself. This was about 25 years ago. I learned to stand on my own two feet. If going to school and joining the military isn't an option, I'd move to a big city and go into a shelter. Anything sounds better than living like you are, In shelters they have programs that help people get jobs and get on their feet. I know there are many programs out there for people like you. You may also want to get some emotional help.... maybe get into a community mental health program and get help with your anxiety and depression. If you go to a shelter they will hook you up with a counselor. There are a lot of services out there for people in need. You just have to find them. You'd have to take a huge chance moving to a big city in order to do this but it is an option. I would do anything than live with abuse. I wish you the best of luck. :heart:

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