Another Breaking Relationship Thread: Opinion from the men?

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  • KBUnleashed
    KBUnleashed Posts: 44 Member
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    Tainted -

    Yikes. Abusive relationships are NEVER okay and, as a RN, I am going to suggest that you get professional counseling...quickly.

    Also, I would be okay with him packing alone only if you can trust him. If he is going to go crazy, I would invite some male people over (hopefully older than you who can keep their temper if things get crazy) and watch to make sure he doesn't screw with you.

    Finally, you need to live your life for YOU. If my boyfriend were to spend the night at his friend's house without calling me, you bet your behind I would not be at the phone the next day waiting for a call. I firmly believe that all parties in a relationship, male or female, need to be able to stand on their own two feet prior to entering a relationship. And, once you do enter a relationship, do not lose your identity. You are not made to stand behind or in front of your man. You are meant to walk together through life.

    Also, I agree with the poster that says that once you are out of this relationship, you need to spend time finding yourself. I wish I had done this in my early 20's but I was in a hurry to find "love" and out of that I learned a lot of life lessons the hard way.

    Good luck and let us know how it goes.
  • TaintedVampyre
    TaintedVampyre Posts: 1,428 Member
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    Tainted -

    Yikes. Abusive relationships are NEVER okay and, as a RN, I am going to suggest that you get professional counseling...quickly.

    Also, I would be okay with him packing alone only if you can trust him. If he is going to go crazy, I would invite some male people over (hopefully older than you who can keep their temper if things get crazy) and watch to make sure he doesn't screw with you.

    Finally, you need to live your life for YOU. If my boyfriend were to spend the night at his friend's house without calling me, you bet your behind I would not be at the phone the next day waiting for a call. I firmly believe that all parties in a relationship, male or female, need to be able to stand on their own two feet prior to entering a relationship. And, once you do enter a relationship, do not lose your identity. You are not made to stand behind or in front of your man. You are meant to walk together through life.

    Also, I agree with the poster that says that once you are out of this relationship, you need to spend time finding yourself. I wish I had done this in my early 20's but I was in a hurry to find "love" and out of that I learned a lot of life lessons the hard way.

    Good luck and let us know how it goes.

    Thanks.
    In regards to him being abusive, it's only when things go beyond his means to handle it.. So if I'm not there, he has no reason to take any action. As for counseling the only thing I'd be taking away is the paranoia that anybody who raises a hand I get a little jumpy, but that's something that you progressively heal from.
  • MzBug
    MzBug Posts: 2,173 Member
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    He is looking for a mommy, you are looking for a healthy relationship, not going to happen between you two. Tell him it isn't working and he has to go. Give him a month to make it happen. From bad personal experience do not leave the house while he packs his stuff or your stuff may disappear or be ruined. If you think it may be wise, have a third person there with you. Take your day (or two or three) of grief and get on with your life. Good Luck.
  • TaintedVampyre
    TaintedVampyre Posts: 1,428 Member
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    I don't know if he'd go as far as breaking my own items.. but losing things to him gathering his own has been a paranoia. Especially electronics because there are a few things I've contributed but then there are others that are iffy on to whether it was a gifted item or an item I bought because he asked with potential expectation that he'd pay me back.
  • Jude1064
    Jude1064 Posts: 83 Member
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    From what I am reading I feel you should show him the door. I would write him a note asking him to vacate within 24 hours. I would then go stay at a friends house (if you know he won't tear the place up). Once he is out of the home make sure you change the locks and notify the landlord that he is not to be on the premises. You said you want to have children but it is clear this isnt going to happen with him. He can't take care of himself so theres no way he can take care of a child. Don't waste anymore time with him. Life is too short to spend it with someone that doesnt love you as much as you love them. As for him staying all night at a friends house....REALLY?? I'm thinking the friend is female... Good luck!
  • vampire_cakes
    vampire_cakes Posts: 38 Member
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    I call myself Denial. I keep thinking that if I make small comments that he subconsciously will make the changes. But the last time we fought to the point of him calling his friend to come pick him up and as we're waiting I just broke down and became "crazy" and started my way of apologizing and trying to back-track all my reasons or making up excuses...
    We love each other, but I think we both know that we're fighting fire with fire and the flame just isn't getting bigger for the right reasons.

    Okay here's the big deal. You should never want to CHANGE anybody! Is it fair for him to change how YOU are? What exactly is it that bothers you so much about this guy. Do you just not feel the same way? You need to write the pros and cons of the relationship on a paper. If you love him and you guys can communicate and progress further great. There are things called deal breakers and many people don't know what they are (not saying you dont) so obviously if you dont like part of things that are part of his personality then you need to just let it go. If its something retarded like you dont like video games and he does (seriously I've heard people *****ing about how they werent the one over something dumb like that) well then I think you should bite the bullet and realize nobodys perfect.

    Bottom line is. YOU are not happy. So you need to decide what will make YOU happy. And I understand this is your first serious relationship which is hard believe me but whether you are 15 or 60 married or not you will move on. Your heart will heal as time heals all wounds. The funny thing is in the beginning it hurts to the point where you feel you will never get over it, reality is you will. Good things happen either way good luck =)
  • shimila1101
    shimila1101 Posts: 119
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    Tainted -

    Yikes. Abusive relationships are NEVER okay and, as a RN, I am going to suggest that you get professional counseling...quickly.

    Also, I would be okay with him packing alone only if you can trust him. If he is going to go crazy, I would invite some male people over (hopefully older than you who can keep their temper if things get crazy) and watch to make sure he doesn't screw with you.

    Finally, you need to live your life for YOU. If my boyfriend were to spend the night at his friend's house without calling me, you bet your behind I would not be at the phone the next day waiting for a call. I firmly believe that all parties in a relationship, male or female, need to be able to stand on their own two feet prior to entering a relationship. And, once you do enter a relationship, do not lose your identity. You are not made to stand behind or in front of your man. You are meant to walk together through life.

    Also, I agree with the poster that says that once you are out of this relationship, you need to spend time finding yourself. I wish I had done this in my early 20's but I was in a hurry to find "love" and out of that I learned a lot of life lessons the hard way.

    Good luck and let us know how it goes.

    Thanks.
    In regards to him being abusive, it's only when things go beyond his means to handle it.. So if I'm not there, he has no reason to take any action. As for counseling the only thing I'd be taking away is the paranoia that anybody who raises a hand I get a little jumpy, but that's something that you progressively heal from.

    I'm not a guy but I have been in a similar relationship as you. Heck, I was married to guy for almost 3 years. I will tell you this, NO abuse is ok whether it be emotional, mental, physical or any other form. No one deserves to be in a relationship like that. You need to do what is best for you and the most healthy for your emotional and mental well-being which to me sounds like getting out as soon as you can. We can all say to get out now, but only you will know when you've finally reached your breaking point.

    Good Luck!
  • TaintedVampyre
    TaintedVampyre Posts: 1,428 Member
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    Sorry Jude, but I've met the friends that he stays with. It's a bunch of guys, all with girlfriends. He doesn't believe in cheating and that was one promise he made me that he'd never do.
    I'm not worried about him being on the premises, since he seems to say that he can get any girl and at the point that we break up he'd have somebody else on the line for more than just a kiss.

    This hurts me. The fact that I've lost over 30 pounds. I've made so many changes in my appearance and he still treats me like I was nothing but second-rate.
  • shimila1101
    shimila1101 Posts: 119
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    Sorry Jude, but I've met the friends that he stays with. It's a bunch of guys, all with girlfriends. He doesn't believe in cheating and that was one promise he made me that he'd never do.
    I'm not worried about him being on the premises, since he seems to say that he can get any girl and at the point that we break up he'd have somebody else on the line for more than just a kiss.

    This hurts me. The fact that I've lost over 30 pounds. I've made so many changes in my appearance and he still treats me like I was nothing but second-rate.

    My ex was exactly like this (except he did cheat on me which I found out about after the divorce). You need to find someone who loves and appreciates you for you, regardless of your weight. You don't deserve this, no one does.
  • TaintedVampyre
    TaintedVampyre Posts: 1,428 Member
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    Thank you to everybody with your input.
    I realize I used the word "change", but it might've been used in the wrong context considering that I don't expect petty things to be changed like: a love for video games or watching too many movies. But it's the bigger things like only spending time with me when it seems the most convenient. Leaves for extended periods of time and more often ignores my phone calls unless he feels like answering it.
    And there's so many things I would not CHANGE about him. There is a fantastic personality when he doesn't put a wall up, but I can't keep trying to climb the wall he keeps putting up when he doesn't feel like saying anything.
  • TaintedVampyre
    TaintedVampyre Posts: 1,428 Member
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    Sorry Jude, but I've met the friends that he stays with. It's a bunch of guys, all with girlfriends. He doesn't believe in cheating and that was one promise he made me that he'd never do.
    I'm not worried about him being on the premises, since he seems to say that he can get any girl and at the point that we break up he'd have somebody else on the line for more than just a kiss.

    This hurts me. The fact that I've lost over 30 pounds. I've made so many changes in my appearance and he still treats me like I was nothing but second-rate.

    My ex was exactly like this (except he did cheat on me which I found out about after the divorce). You need to find someone who loves and appreciates you for you, regardless of your weight. You don't deserve this, no one does.

    At this point in time if I EVER found out he was cheating on me, I'd be hunting him down and beating her to a pulp. Of course that's all fiction since I don't believe in violence. (Yet I put up with it? :huh: )
  • shimila1101
    shimila1101 Posts: 119
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    Sorry Jude, but I've met the friends that he stays with. It's a bunch of guys, all with girlfriends. He doesn't believe in cheating and that was one promise he made me that he'd never do.
    I'm not worried about him being on the premises, since he seems to say that he can get any girl and at the point that we break up he'd have somebody else on the line for more than just a kiss.

    This hurts me. The fact that I've lost over 30 pounds. I've made so many changes in my appearance and he still treats me like I was nothing but second-rate.

    My ex was exactly like this (except he did cheat on me which I found out about after the divorce). You need to find someone who loves and appreciates you for you, regardless of your weight. You don't deserve this, no one does.

    At this point in time if I EVER found out he was cheating on me, I'd be hunting him down and beating her to a pulp. Of course that's all fiction since I don't believe in violence. (Yet I put up with it? :huh: )

    Well, that's what you need to figure out. Why are letting someone else do this to you when you find it unacceptable? I'm by no means a therapist, but these were all questions mine posed to me and really got me thinking. Why did I feel I deserved this? Why did I feel no one would love me unless I looked a certain way. Stuff like that.

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