All the good threads get locked... so someone..
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Two guys walk in to a bar. The bartender asks the first guy what he'd like the drink. The guy says, "I'll just have a tall glass of H2O, please". The second guy says "That sounds good, I'll have a glass of H2O too." The second guy died.
lmao...good one! :laugh:0 -
A man is in a pub in London and he spots two heavy women at the bar...Both have accents...He approaches them, smiles and asks,
"Excuse me, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
Angrily, one of the women screams at him,
"It's Wales, you idiot"
"Oh, I'm sorry...Are you two whales from Scotland?"
He's recuperating..... :flowerforyou:0 -
Jesus, Moses, and this old, old man were all out playing golf. Moses goes first. He hits the ball, ball lands right in the middle of the lake, sinks to the bottom, the lake parts, and the ball rolls up onto the green. Jesus hits the ball, ball lands right in the middle of the lake, sinks to the bottom, rises back up to the surface of the lake, skips across the surface and rolls up onto the green. So the old man, hits his ball, clears the lake just barely. A squirrel sees the ball, runs out, picks it up and starts running away with it, an eagle, sees the squirrel, swoops down, grabs the squirrel and starts carrying it off, squirrel drops the ball, lands on the green, and rolls right into the cup, hole in one.
Jesus turns to the old man and says, "nice shot, Dad"0 -
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.0 -
Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked.0
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Two guys walk in to a bar. The bartender asks the first guy what he'd like the drink. The guy says, "I'll just have a tall glass of H2O, please". The second guy says "That sounds good, I'll have a glass of H2O too." The second guy died.
H202 = hydrogen peroxide.
THANKS FOR EXPLAINING THE JOKE!!!.... :huh:
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.
Bartender says "You've got a steering wheel down your pants!?"
Pirate replies "Yaaarrrr, tis drivin mi nuts"
love a pirate joke
Aw man, that totally made me LOL!0 -
Joseph and Jesus were working together in Joseph's carpentry shop. After they finished up Joseph said, "A job is not done until you clean up your mess. Grab a broom." To which Jesus replied "You can't tell me what to do, you're not my dad."0
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What is the difference between a cowboy hat and a tampon?
Cowboy hats are for *kitten*.0 -
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?". The horse does not respond because it is a horse thus lacking cognitive capacity to speak nor understand English. It is confused by its surroundings and promptly sh*ts on the floor then gallops our of the back, knocking over a few tables.0
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Ok I am a Redneck from Texas, so here is a redneck joke for ya!!
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched, he performs kinda slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
(Don't make me have to 'splain this to you! Read the last line again... slowly.)0 -
A skeleton walks into a bar...he orders a beer.................and a mop.0
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Ok I am a Redneck from Texas, so here is a redneck joke for ya!!
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched, he performs kinda slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
(Don't make me have to 'splain this to you! Read the last line again... slowly.)
I'm slow, and I only had to read it once! :laugh:0 -
I would tell you another chemistry joke but all the good ones argon.0
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A dyslexic walked into a bra...
Stole that one from my sister!0 -
A woman come home and yells up the stairs to her husband, "I won the lottery! I won the lottery!" Husband says, "That's great! What should I pack for? Skiing or the beach?" She promptly replied, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!."
LMAO!! I laughed out loud!0 -
I would tell you another chemistry joke but all the good ones argon.
Hahahaha, love it!
A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron, help me look for it."
The neutron says "Are you sure?"
The proton replies "I'm positive."0 -
Yess! Love this thread, particularly the nerd jokes :flowerforyou:0
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"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
(Don't make me have to 'splain this to you! Read the last line again... slowly.)
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! :laugh:0 -
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.0 -
alright science freaks......
A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor
One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.
Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro's capacity rapidly discharged – every electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.0 -
I have a joke about UDP but you might not get it.0
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This isn't a joke, but it makes me happy. I challenge you all to do this to an unsuspecting stranger sometime this week.
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The name is Bond.
Ionic Bond.
Taken, not shared.
oh hello another person with almost my name!
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I never tell jokes. That sort of behavior is unacceptable. People have feelings, and they deserve to be treated with... ha.. yeah I can't finish that.
The Mods have a dartboard with a picture of my crotch on it.
some people have all the fun...0 -
This isn't a joke, but it makes me happy. I challenge you all to do this to an unsuspecting stranger sometime this week.
uh huh.....riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
Girls can get away with that. Guys doing that to a girl????? Next sound you hear will be the click of the handcuffs.0 -
''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a ****zu.''0
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This isn't a joke, but it makes me happy. I challenge you all to do this to an unsuspecting stranger sometime this week.
uh huh.....riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
Girls can get away with that. Guys doing that to a girl????? Next sound you hear will be the click on the handcuffs.
I will accept that challenge!
I am in love with this chic ... hahahhaha I am laughing so hard right now..0 -
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.
Bartender says "You've got a steering wheel down your pants!?"
Pirate replies "Yaaarrrr, tis drivin mi nuts"
love a pirate joke
THAT made me LOL...............
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.....................
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A dyslexic walks into a bra
ooops0 -
It's more of a riddle, but an 11-year-old told me this one yesterday:
"There was a plane crash. Every single person died. Who were the survivors?...
...All the married people!"0 -
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the skunks and raccoons it could be done!
:smokin: 0
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