All the good threads get locked... so someone..

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Replies

  • HiKaren
    HiKaren Posts: 1,306 Member
    Beer Nuts? Or Deer Nuts? Or Coco-Nuts? Which one do you choose???:happy:
  • HiKaren
    HiKaren Posts: 1,306 Member
    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    To prove to the skunks and raccoons it could be done!
    chicken.gif:smokin:
    I had to save this because it reminds me of the geese at my Dads house that would try to kick my *kitten*.... Gosh I love this one..
  • JPal5
    JPal5 Posts: 178
    How many ears does Spock have?

    Three: a left ear, a right ear, and a final frontier.
  • Lightspeedsnail
    Lightspeedsnail Posts: 4
    LOL, These are great.

    What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

    Your Honor.
  • Pimpmonkey
    Pimpmonkey Posts: 566
    The other night the woman and I were in bed sort of fooling around, but nothing was happening, so I looked at her and asked, "What's the matter? Can't you think of anybody eihter?"

    LMAO!

    Love it!
  • Kathy53925
    Kathy53925 Posts: 241 Member
    A man is in a pub in London and he spots two heavy women at the bar...Both have accents...He approaches them, smiles and asks,
    "Excuse me, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
    Angrily, one of the women screams at him,
    "It's Wales, you idiot"
    "Oh, I'm sorry...Are you two whales from Scotland?"

    He's recuperating..... :flowerforyou:


    OMG!! I am laughing so hard!
  • HannahDiaz25
    HannahDiaz25 Posts: 104
    How many ears does Spock have?

    Three: a left ear, a right ear, and a final frontier.

    HAHA!!!! Love it (and yeah they just uncovered the nerdy side of me here on MFP)
  • Kathy53925
    Kathy53925 Posts: 241 Member
    This isn't a joke, but it makes me happy. I challenge you all to do this to an unsuspecting stranger sometime this week.

    internet-memes-make-it-rain.gif


    Hahahahahahaha!!! LOVE it!
  • korsicash
    korsicash Posts: 770 Member
    Why did the dock collapse?





    Peer pressure.....


    Why do sharks only swim in salt water?


    Pepper water makes them sneeze......



    Yep I get my jokes from my 3 yr old....
  • Kathy53925
    Kathy53925 Posts: 241 Member
    A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
    The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
    "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
    "Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
    The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
    Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
    The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
    The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
  • creech6317
    creech6317 Posts: 869 Member
    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    To prove to the skunks and raccoons it could be done!

    I don't care who you are that's funny right there!
  • rpounds1957
    rpounds1957 Posts: 177 Member
    On June 9 a group of bikers was riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped. The group leader, Henry, a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one. Henry says "That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are YOU committing suicide?"

    "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
  • AnnMarie518
    AnnMarie518 Posts: 93
    A wife was sitting in the funeral home after loosing her husband of 50 years.
    Her friend came up to her, put an arm around her and asked how she was doing.
    I'm allright she replied.
    Her friend, knowing that the husband was a bit of a penny pinching miser asked if she needed anything financially..
    "My Henry had a large insurance policy" the widow replied. "But made me promise that when he passed on I would bury all his money with him"
    The friend looked shocked! You didnt promise him that did you?
    "Oh yes," the widow replied.
    Well your not going to actually DO IT are you?
    "Oh yes, I am a God fearing Christian woman, I made a promise and I kept it." the widow replied as she placed an envelope in the casket with her husband.



    "I wrote him a check"
  • sktllmdrhmz
    sktllmdrhmz Posts: 1,799 Member
    I'd tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long.
  • tuffytuffy1
    tuffytuffy1 Posts: 920 Member
    Okay, I'll bite!

    A salesman approaches a home and knocks on the door. The door is opened by a 6 year old boy wearing a dressing gown. Under one arm, he has a rolled up copy of a Playboy magazine, and he is holding a cigar and a brandy snifter. The salesman says, "Hey little guy, are your mommy or daddy home?" The boy looks at the man and says, "What the f@ck do YOU think?"
  • RushBabe214
    RushBabe214 Posts: 469 Member
    I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    A midget fortune teller who escaped from prison is a small medium at large.

    A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. Police are looking into it.
  • Lightspeedsnail
    Lightspeedsnail Posts: 4
    There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...
    A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
    From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
    She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
    Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
    As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?"
  • microburst20
    microburst20 Posts: 130
    :laugh:
  • jaygregz
    jaygregz Posts: 104
    Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

    Lady 1: "What's that?"

    Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

    Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

    Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

    The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

    Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."


    Yesterday someone came knocking on my door and told me that my dog was chasing a man on a bike. I told the man "it can't be my dog he doesn't know how to ride a bike".

    Today while my friend was over at my house we saw my dog licking his testicles in the back yard. My friend then said to me that he wished he could do that. I told him "you better at least pet him first!"
  • foxyforce
    foxyforce Posts: 3,078 Member
    Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

    Lady 1: "What's that?"

    Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

    Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

    Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

    The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

    Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."


    Yesterday someone came knocking on my door and told me that my dog was chasing a man on a bike. I told the man "it can't be my dog he doesn't know how to ride a bike".

    Today while my friend was over at my house we saw my dog licking his testicles in the back yard. My friend then said to me that he wished he could do that. I told him "you better at least pet him first!"

    lols
  • kstrunk1
    kstrunk1 Posts: 462 Member
    What does an insomniac, dyslexic, agnostic do?

    Stays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.



    ba dum ching!
  • 7bel0
    7bel0 Posts: 192 Member
    :laugh:
  • jaygregz
    jaygregz Posts: 104
    Why does piglet smell so bad all the time? Because he always plays with pooh.

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