To call/text him or not to call/text....
Replies
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I disagree that this post isn't about him being your "lightswitch" boyfriend. You've allowed him to be noncommittal, which is why he felt it was okay to let you pay for his race fees, go out drinking the night before a morning race, and not even bother showing up for the race.
But aside from the fact that you've allowed him to treat you like garbage, your reaction to his ridiculous text was disrespectful and wrong and completely demonstrates why you don't have a real relationship with this guy. You can't very well expect him to treat you well when the example you are setting is "It's okay for you to flake on me, and it's okay for me to text obscenities to you when you do."
What you should do is call him, apologize for the way you behaved, and tell him you're done pretending to be his girlfriend. Then never speak to the guy again. This is what it means to take the high road.
I am sorry but I believe you to be WAY off here! She finally stood up for herself regardless on the past!
Hmmm. Well I'm not the one in a dysfunctional quasi-relationship. I'm in a relationship with someone who respects me enough not to pull that garbage with me and whom I respect enough not to ever to tell him to go !@#$ himself. The immaturity isn't just on her "boyfriend's" part in this situation. She admitted she did it out of anger, which means she can't control her actions anymore than he is willing to control his douchebaggery.
Telling someone to F off isn't quite as bad really as you're making out is it? Saying that she 'can't control her actions' is blowing it a bit out of proportion.
Yes, it is. Why would you ever say something like that to a person you allegedly care about? This is why relationships don't last anymore. People are more disrespectful to their SOs than they are to total strangers. They scream at each other like toddlers instead of having grown-up conversations about what's working and what isn't. Standing up for yourself would be running the race, going to see the boyfriend, and ending the relationship. Texting "**** you" is every bit as childish as what he did to her.0 -
I disagree that this post isn't about him being your "lightswitch" boyfriend. You've allowed him to be noncommittal, which is why he felt it was okay to let you pay for his race fees, go out drinking the night before a morning race, and not even bother showing up for the race.
But aside from the fact that you've allowed him to treat you like garbage, your reaction to his ridiculous text was disrespectful and wrong and completely demonstrates why you don't have a real relationship with this guy. You can't very well expect him to treat you well when the example you are setting is "It's okay for you to flake on me, and it's okay for me to text obscenities to you when you do."
What you should do is call him, apologize for the way you behaved, and tell him you're done pretending to be his girlfriend. Then never speak to the guy again. This is what it means to take the high road.
I am sorry but I believe you to be WAY off here! She finally stood up for herself regardless on the past!
Hmmm. Well I'm not the one in a dysfunctional quasi-relationship. I'm in a relationship with someone who respects me enough not to pull that garbage with me and whom I respect enough not to ever to tell him to go !@#$ himself. The immaturity isn't just on her "boyfriend's" part in this situation. She admitted she did it out of anger, which means she can't control her actions anymore than he is willing to control his douchebaggery.
Telling someone to F off isn't quite as bad really as you're making out is it? Saying that she 'can't control her actions' is blowing it a bit out of proportion.
I am with you! Miss "Dalai Lama" here with her "I would never disrespect...blah, blah, blah" is extremely NAIVE!!!!!!0 -
I disagree that this post isn't about him being your "lightswitch" boyfriend. You've allowed him to be noncommittal, which is why he felt it was okay to let you pay for his race fees, go out drinking the night before a morning race, and not even bother showing up for the race.
But aside from the fact that you've allowed him to treat you like garbage, your reaction to his ridiculous text was disrespectful and wrong and completely demonstrates why you don't have a real relationship with this guy. You can't very well expect him to treat you well when the example you are setting is "It's okay for you to flake on me, and it's okay for me to text obscenities to you when you do."
What you should do is call him, apologize for the way you behaved, and tell him you're done pretending to be his girlfriend. Then never speak to the guy again. This is what it means to take the high road.
I am sorry but I believe you to be WAY off here! She finally stood up for herself regardless on the past!
Hmmm. Well I'm not the one in a dysfunctional quasi-relationship. I'm in a relationship with someone who respects me enough not to pull that garbage with me and whom I respect enough not to ever to tell him to go !@#$ himself. The immaturity isn't just on her "boyfriend's" part in this situation. She admitted she did it out of anger, which means she can't control her actions anymore than he is willing to control his douchebaggery.
Telling someone to F off isn't quite as bad really as you're making out is it? Saying that she 'can't control her actions' is blowing it a bit out of proportion.
Yes, it is. Why would you ever say something like that to a person you allegedly care about? This is why relationships don't last anymore. People are more disrespectful to their SOs than they are to total strangers. They scream at each other like toddlers instead of having grown-up conversations about what's working and what isn't. Standing up for yourself would be running the race, going to see the boyfriend, and ending the relationship. Texting "**** you" is every bit as childish as what he did to her.
Saying F you is nowhere close to what he did to her. She paid her money for this guy to do this race he really wanted to do. I would have for sure said F you and alot more. I am in a healthy relationship with 2 beautiful boys- so don't use that excuse. Relationships don't last now because people are non committed. It is so easy to just go and get a divorce. It is not as pase (sp) as it was 20-30 years ago.
To the OP get rid of him. You are beautiful and deserve so much better. I also seem to think people stay in relationships because the sex is good. Hopefully this isn't the reason for the on again - off again.0 -
You don't show that you are better than someone who is disrespectful by being disrespectful yourself. I do understand the desire to be when you are angry though. Apologising for your rudeness is the right thing to do even though he may not deserve your apology. It is about maintaining your integrity, not his.
Let's be honest. There was no relationship. He was not really your boyfriend. Not in any real or committed sense. Therefore I don't think you really owe it to him to say it is over. If you want to do so then more power to you.
I think this is more about a missed race. It is about what you believe you want and need from a relationship, what you believe you are worth and what you think is acceptable behavior. You get the relationships you accept, good or bad.
If you do what you've always done you'll get what you've always got...0 -
I hope you've really said your peace and are willing to move on. F You is an absolutely appropriate response! You have time and money invested in the run and he was completely disrespectful. You are beautiful and while it is hard to break habits he is a habit and you can and will find someone who will treat you respectfully once you decide for yourself that this is what you want. Sounds easy? I never said that! It took me two years to realize how disfunctional my relationship was and a good 9 months after that to settle into being single. If you need to vent/chat/bounce ideas around - feel free to contact me.
Wishing you the best!0 -
I am with you! Miss "Dalai Lama" here with her "I would never disrespect...blah, blah, blah" is extremely NAIVE!!!!!!
She's not naive.
She simply knows what she wants and has the self control to rise above bad behaviour. Is that so wrong?0 -
Hang it up! It doesn't sound like you are much of a priority to him. Not sure what keeps turning you on, but I imagine that this is what keeps turning you off. It is time to admit to yourself that this doesn't work for you and move on.
The man that said this is a genius... and the man that posted it here is too!
If you do what you've always done you'll get what you've always got...0 -
I am with you! Miss "Dalai Lama" here with her "I would never disrespect...blah, blah, blah" is extremely NAIVE!!!!!!
She's not naive.
She simply knows what she wants and has the self control to rise above bad behaviour. Is that so wrong?
she is VERY naive to think that everything is rosey in the REAL world0 -
If he cant understand that you were upset because he was irresponsible, then there is no point in who communicates first. You paid for the race, you offerred to help with transport, and you even provided wake up service. This guy has it made with you and he probably knows it.
Unless you like that kind of treatment, don't bother reaching out.
I agree0 -
Hang it up! It doesn't sound like you are much of a priority to him. Not sure what keeps turning you on, but I imagine that this is what keeps turning you off. It is time to admit to yourself that this doesn't work for you and move on.
The man that said this is a genius... and the man that posted it here is too!If you do what you've always done you'll get what you've always got...
Good lord, stop that or you'll ruin my "all round forum pain in the *kitten*" reputation...
(ps: let me know where to send the flowers 0 -
Isn't him not showing up or calling the same thing as saying "f*uck you?"
Don't use needing to apologize as an excuse to call or text. Let him go. You will be just fine
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I am with you! Miss "Dalai Lama" here with her "I would never disrespect...blah, blah, blah" is extremely NAIVE!!!!!!
She's not naive.
She simply knows what she wants and has the self control to rise above bad behaviour. Is that so wrong?
she is VERY naive to think that everything is rosey in the REAL world
I don't think she believes that RL is all sweetness and light.
She is simply putting forward the position that you don't rise above bad behaviour by indulging in bad behaviour yourself. Easier said than done admittedly but she is right.
Listen, I get it. Truly I do. Sometimes anger is cathartic. It pushes you forward and gives you the energy to move on. However, there are other ways and in my opinion much better ways to do so. Anger is like a toxin - it will poison everything around you if you let it run unchecked.
Just call me Ghandi.
Except with nicer sandals...0 -
I am with you! Miss "Dalai Lama" here with her "I would never disrespect...blah, blah, blah" is extremely NAIVE!!!!!!
She's not naive.
She simply knows what she wants and has the self control to rise above bad behaviour. Is that so wrong?
she is VERY naive to think that everything is rosey in the REAL world
I don't think she believes that RL is all sweetness and light.
She is simply putting forward the position that you don't rise above bad behaviour by indulging in bad behaviour yourself. Easier said than done admittedly but she is right.
Listen, I get it. Truly I do. Sometimes anger is cathartic. It pushes you forward and gives you the energy to move on. However, there are other ways and in my opinion much better ways to do so. Anger is like a toxin - it will poison everything around you if you let it run unchecked.
Just call me Ghandi.
Except with nicer sandals...
She has EVERY right to be angry!0 -
She has EVERY right to be angry!
Yes she does.
How she then chooses to react to that anger is what we are discussing.0 -
She has EVERY right to be angry!
Yes she does.
How she then chooses to react to that anger is what we are discussing.
AND from someone who has been in the same shoes as she is....sometimes (A LOT OF TIMES), you have to get vulgar and mad and say "EF U" to finally get yourself to realize that you don't need this toxicity in your life!0 -
She has EVERY right to be angry!
Yes she does.
How she then chooses to react to that anger is what we are discussing.
AND from someone who has been in the same shoes as she is....sometimes (A LOT OF TIMES), you have to get vulgar and mad and say "EF U" to finally get yourself to realize that you don't need this toxicity in your life!
Which is where we disagree.
Sometimes you can't help feeling angry, or let down, or hurt, or vulnerable. We are human beings not robots right? However, how you choose to channel those negative emotions, and the actions it causes you to take does not need to result in vulgarity. It can be used to empower you in a positive way. You flip it over. You can say "*kitten* you" or you can simply move on with your life without the need for retaliation.
Living well is the best revenge.0 -
If he cant understand that you were upset because he was irresponsible, then there is no point in who communicates first. You paid for the race, you offerred to help with transport, and you even provided wake up service. This guy has it made with you and he probably knows it.
Unless you like that kind of treatment, don't bother reaching out.
THIS0 -
your complete indifference to him would drive him nuts. dont let him rent space in your head.0
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Honestly, you will do whatever you want to do. None of us can influence your opinion or what you feel.
That said, my advice is to move on. I agree with the other people on here. He hasn't shown that he respects you. He says he is broke and can't afford the race he apparently wanted to do... but he can go out to the bar every weekend? And he goes out to party the night before knowing he has a commitment early the next morning. When he does tell you he won't be there, he doesn't say, "I'm sorry." He blames it on the clock. He's the one that created the circumstances for his oversleeping. It shows a lack of maturity and accountability.
People get angry and say things like "f*** you." It happens. In this case, it seems like your frustration at his lack of respect finally boiled over. Perhaps it's not just about the race, it's about the off and on again thing (that may not be true, I don't know how much of it was your decision to be off and on again).
The only reason I see for you to speak to him or to apologize is if YOU need closure. If you think it will help you get over the relationship, go ahead... but be aware, speaking to him might draw you back into the cycle of the off/on relationship. The relationship will only be over when you decide it is. If you really want the relationship to be over and you decide to speak to him again, have a will like iron. From your description of the off/on relationship, you are susceptible to his charms (as archaic as that sounds). Realize this and prepare yourself.
I have been in a relationship where I was not entirely happy but I stayed in it. I decided to break up with him multiple times and he drew me back in every time. Finally I decided enough was enough. I stopped talking to him completely and ignored his requests to speak with me in person. I knew that if I met with him, my resolve would fizzle and I'd be right back where I started in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship.
It doesn't sound to me that you are truly happy with him. Do you want to continue being in a mediocre relationship?0 -
Honestly, you will do whatever you want to do. None of us can influence your opinion or what you feel.
That said, my advice is to move on. I agree with the other people on here. He hasn't shown that he respects you. He says he is broke and can't afford the race he apparently wanted to do... but he can go out to the bar every weekend? And he goes out to party the night before knowing he has a commitment early the next morning. When he does tell you he won't be there, he doesn't say, "I'm sorry." He blames it on the clock. He's the one that created the circumstances for his oversleeping. It shows a lack of maturity and accountability.
People get angry and say things like "f*** you." It happens. In this case, it seems like your frustration at his lack of respect finally boiled over. Perhaps it's not just about the race, it's about the off and on again thing (that may not be true, I don't know how much of it was your decision to be off and on again).
The only reason I see for you to speak to him or to apologize is if YOU need closure. If you think it will help you get over the relationship, go ahead... but be aware, speaking to him might draw you back into the cycle of the off/on relationship. The relationship will only be over when you decide it is. If you really want the relationship to be over and you decide to speak to him again, have a will like iron. From your description of the off/on relationship, you are susceptible to his charms (as archaic as that sounds). Realize this and prepare yourself.
I have been in a relationship where I was not entirely happy but I stayed in it. I decided to break up with him multiple times and he drew me back in every time. Finally I decided enough was enough. I stopped talking to him completely and ignored his requests to speak with me in person. I knew that if I met with him, my resolve would fizzle and I'd be right back where I started in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship.
It doesn't sound to me that you are truly happy with him. Do you want to continue being in a mediocre relationship?
You dear are EXACTLY correct and radiate my thoughts exactly!0 -
Hmmm my first instinct is that you should apologize for being so crass with your response. He may have Irresponsible for not holding up his end of the race bargain but you totally disrespected him. I wouldn't call you back either. Sorry
Thanks, I appreciate your honesty. I knew heat of the moment it seemed like a great idea. But yeah, been thinking probably bad idea.
Sorry, I do agree with this, but I also agree that he should have called or texted or something if he wasn't going to make it...0 -
I don't think you should call or text. You should probably start looking for a new guy to date that you're not off-and-on with... because that's just no way to live your life.
I'm also willing to bet this isn't the first time he's blown you off and let you down.0 -
all I would say to this is .......... NEXT!0
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Don't call or text. I've been in a similar on/off situation with my ex boyfriend and once I finally just stopped talking to him and let it go it got so much easier and I've been so happy ever since because I finally got him out and focused on me. Just do you girl you don't need a guy right now especially an unreliable one0
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No hun, honestly don't call him. He's a fool and he has let you down here bigtime. Don't call him. I'd like to say to move on from him but I know it's probably not as easy as that. But he doesn't seem to care enough.. and by your short story I can even tell where his priorities lie...
xx
Oh, and I think NO apology is needed for your text. No way. The ball is in his court for apologies, you don't apologise for that first..0 -
Get rid of him...don't look back! He doesn't deserve you.
There are plenty of other guys out there who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.0 -
She has EVERY right to be angry!
Yes she does.
How she then chooses to react to that anger is what we are discussing.
AND from someone who has been in the same shoes as she is....sometimes (A LOT OF TIMES), you have to get vulgar and mad and say "EF U" to finally get yourself to realize that you don't need this toxicity in your life!
Which is where we disagree.
Sometimes you can't help feeling angry, or let down, or hurt, or vulnerable. We are human beings not robots right? However, how you choose to channel those negative emotions, and the actions it causes you to take does not need to result in vulgarity. It can be used to empower you in a positive way. You flip it over. You can say "*kitten* you" or you can simply move on with your life without the need for retaliation.
Living well is the best revenge.
See, I think she dealt with it in a great way.
She could have started name calling and telling him what she thought, this that and the other.
In reality she just told him to do one.
I think perhaps from what I've seen, in America you guys are a little more sensitive to swearing so maybe what I am reading into F you, is actually on a par with "go away" in america. I don't know, but I do know that I think she's ended it perfectly well. You can only put up with a finite of crap from people before you have to tell them to **** off.
She should stand by it.0 -
I say next....but i know that is easier said than done. I had one of those once a looooooooong time go and alls it ended up doing was causing me hearthbreak. Good luck to you0
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If an off-and-on chick tells me to f**k myself, I'm a go hit up my other shorty until she calms down. Then we can be on again. But that's just me.0
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If he cant understand that you were upset because he was irresponsible, then there is no point in who communicates first. You paid for the race, you offerred to help with transport, and you even provided wake up service. This guy has it made with you and he probably knows it.
Unless you like that kind of treatment, don't bother reaching out.
This. By now he prob has this figured out. On again of again means that you will be back, and most likely, he can get away with this behavior. If I was you, and I'm not so you don't have to listen to me, I would ask yourself if this relationship is really making you happy? Or do you find yourself wanting to send those F*** You texts a lot...0
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