Unsupportive Spouse

AprilRenewed

I think I'm finally at wits end I've been doing weight watchers in the last few weeks and really trying hard to find time for workouts but my husband is sabotaging me at EVERY step. I'm good with my breakfast and lunches because I'm not usually around him for those but dinners he'll bring home pizza (specifically the kind only I like and he doesn't) or my favorite ice cream as if I'll love him to death for thinking of me, when really I think he just wanted that food and is using me as an excuse. And on top of him undermining my food efforts he's been whining a lot about how he thinks I want to spend too much time running or going to the gym. Mind you, at the moment, I walk the dog for 15 minutes a couple times a day and I'm very lucky if I can get to the gym or out running for a couple miles ONCE a week. Ideally I'd like to spend 30-45 minutes doing some kind of workout 5-6 times a week. I don't think I'm asking for too much time to do this and I'm doing it so I can be healthy. We don't have kids or anything so to me it just seems like he's being needy and if the tables were reversed, I'd be behind him 100% and encouraging him the entire way. I'm to the point where I might just sneak out to hit the gym or wait until he's gone for work to go even if it is super inconvenient for me to do so. Anyone out there in a similar boat? What'd you do to work around it or get your significant other on board?

Seems like he's having more of an issue with himself than with you. For whatever reason, he's sabotaging you because he doesn't want you to lose the weight. Maybe he's afraid of you getting hotter and losing interest in him.... or that you're getting better and he's feeling stagnant.... whatever the reasoning, talk to him about it. Don't be irrational, or yell.... but try to understand why he's doing it and try to explain why you want this for yourself. I'm sure you both can meet somewhere in the middle.....

Best of luck!

That was my thought also.

I think you need to sit down with him and talk to him about it. I don't think you can make a judgement until you both realize what's happening and why. Maybe he doesn't know how to be supportive, and he truly thinks he IS being supportive by bringing you food he knows you like.

vfnmoody

Okay so your SO is comfortable with the way things were. You are changing that. Tell him that it is about what you need. In no way indicate that he is required to change his life style but you need to change yours. Ask him to bring you what you want before he has a chance to bring you what had used to want. He will need a bit of retraining.
And he is a man so lots more sex is probably the a better idea than withholding it.

Maybe you should withhold sex.

If he can stay comfortable then he will come around in the long term.....or not. Than leave him you should have no trouble getting a new one.

Tuffjourney

Maybe you should withhold sex.

Better yet, withold sex until you hit your goal. He'll be driving you to the gym every night

lol

Do what I did, buy him a fishing boat and send him on his merry way.! God didnt bless men with fishing/hunting, it was really meant as a blessing for women!.

AprilRenewed

Maybe you should withhold sex.

Better yet, withold sex until you hit your goal. He'll be driving you to the gym every night

lol

Do what I did, buy him a fishing boat and send him on his merry way.! God didnt bless men with fishing/hunting, it was really meant as a blessing for women!.

OK. I am totally against withholding sex - that does nothing for anyone except create resentment and anger.

HOWEVER, the fishing boat idea cracked me up because that's the only way I end up with some alone time aside from my workouts - when my husband goes fishing! LOL

aldale

Don't inconvenience yourself. Keep up a regular workout routine that works for you. If he brings home junk or stuff you don't eat right now, just ignore it. You don't have to eat it.

I think many spouses are uncomfortable with their spouses changing in a way that will improve them because then THEY will have to get on board or get left behind...or least that is how it feels to them. But you can be understanding of his fears without allowing him to keep you overweight. YOU control you; what you do, what you eat, how you live, that's all up to you.

I totally agree with this ^^. I too have a very unsupportive husband. He owns a vending company which means snacks are always on hand. He says I look great even though I was 60 pounds smaller when we married. I have talked to him until I am blue in the face about losing weight to get healthier, needing time to exercise, etc. It has not worked, but I am determined to lose the weight with or without his support. I love him, but this is my goal for myself. I would love his support, but I do not need it.

If I were you, I would exercise while he is at work. Or I would go right after a weight watchers meeting. Just make the time for yourself. And about the snacks, my hubby brings home lots of delicious snacks. Just because he brings them home, does not mean I have to eat them. I keep them on hand for when I need something sweet or salty. The great thing about weight watchers is that you can eat whatever you want as long as you do not go over your points. You can freeze the pizza into individual servings for later. He does not need an explanation, but if he asks, explain that you are only allowed a certain number of points per day on weight watchers and that you will eat the pizza soon when you can work it into your points for the day.

I wish you luck!!!!

MustBeTheRows

Maybe you should withhold sex.

Better yet, withold sex until you hit your goal. He'll be driving you to the gym every night

lol

Do what I did, buy him a fishing boat and send him on his merry way.! God didnt bless men with fishing/hunting, it was really meant as a blessing for women!.

OK. I am totally against withholding sex - that does nothing for anyone except create resentment and anger.

HOWEVER, the fishing boat idea cracked me up because that's the only way I end up with some alone time aside from my workouts - when my husband goes fishing! LOL

I was being facetious... Withholding sex is wrong.

EmilyOfTheSun

ok, after typing this I see that it is REALLY freakin long....if you don't want to read all of it lol, towards the end is a possible reason for you hubby's actions!


ugh dude I know how you feel.



Though I think my BF is even more of a JERK about it!
I'm currently doing P90X...that's 60-75 minutes six days a week. And on the scheduled rest day, I still use my elliptical for an hour. Now he doesn't mind my work out schedule cuz it gives him some alone time lol. And Of course I'm calorie counting as well.

He pissed me off SO bad the other day. We were headed out to pick up some food, and I asked if we could stop at Giant (local grocery store) before we got to our other destination, so I could pick up some diet cranberry juice. Only FIVE calories for 8 ounces btw, awesome! Anyways, we were having friends over that night which means drinking would probably be involved lol...so I wanted something low in calories to put my vodka in!

So my BF is the mix drink master so he always makes my drinks for me. I told him that for the first drink, I would need him to pour the vodka in one shot at a time...so I could calculate the calories. JUST for the first drink...then I'd know the calorie count for the rest. I personally don't think that's asking too much at all.

He rolls his eyes at me and tells me that it's annoying that I have to measure everything out. First of all, the only meal we have together is dinner....he's the one who cooks so yeah, every night for dinner I tell him I only want 1/2 cup of mashed potatoes (or w/e our side is for that night), and I am willing to come measure it myself and put it on my plate...but he always does it so I just let him.

When he told me that it was annoying I got SO angry. Working out and calorie counting is not fun, it's not easy. But it's something I'm doing for myself and it's a GOOD thing. He should be happy for me and supportive.

So once we get home, I tell him that I'm in a very foul mood and we need to talk and get this cleared up before our friends get here.

I basically told him that it's ridiculous that he can't take like literally ten extra seconds to measure something, to help me in my fitness efforts. He's my BF and should be supportive...especially when that requires such little effort. It's an effing measuring cup...It's not like I'm asking him to work out with me and *kitten*.

Then he goes on to say, "I just don't know why you're changing yourself so much. You're not smoking anymore and you're drinking less." SERIOUSLY!!!! Who the EFF says that as if it's a bad thing!?!? And it's not like I'm changing who I am as a person...literally the only thing that's changing is that I'm losing weight!

So that morning, I had said to him, "Guess what! I lost two pounds this week yaaaay!!" I swear to you all it was in NO way condescending or braggy. He brought that up and told me I'm on a "high horse." That made it even worse, I told him, "Matt...I was happy about it. When I'm happy about something I share it with the ones I love. I can't share my accomplishments with you?" This A-hole has the nerve to say, "I don't care about that. I really don't need to hear about it."

Soooooo...the next day I told him we needed to talk. I'm sorry but I really think he was 100% in the wrong. We talked about it a little more and he basically admitted that he was in the wrong (good boy, lol).

Sometimes he jokingly says to me, "You're gonna get all hot and then leave me!" I brought that up and said, "Matt...does some part of you actually believe that..and maybe it's in the back of your mind bothering you so that's why you're getting grumpy about it?" He admitted that yes, maybe a little part of him does believe that. Maybe your hubby has the same feelings and is trying to sabotage you!

As far as your man bringing home bad food....just don't eat it. I know that's easier said than done, but practice self control and it will become easier and easier for you.

Good luck to you girl I hope you stick to your healthy lifestyle and everything works out!

lhughes404

My boyfriend wasn't unsupportive in the way that he would try to sabotage my efforts, but he could never understand why I was trying to lose weight because he said I was beautiful no matter how much I weigh. I can't really be mad at him for that. However, he wasn't very helpful in helping me lose weight. Then one day I told him that when I reach my gold weight that I would start wearing a bikini. Now he is very supportive, not letting me eat the extra helping or having dessert. I also told him we could go to Pizza Hut when I hit 180lbs. Try having a goal with a reward that your SO also benefits from. Tell them when you hit a certain weight (not necessarily your goal weight) that you guys can go to your favorite restaurant/give him a special sexual favor/wear special sexy outfit/go to a favorite spot/take him to a sporting event. Then maybe they will be more willing to help you.

erikapereira

At 1st my bf was kind of unsupportive because he was in charge of cooking and all he likes is rice, pasta and beef. When I brought it up he said that is my own decision to eat his food <.< and I cant eat the same he eats. Funny huh?
So what I did was reverse psychology. I was in charge of buying the groceries so I started picking better options. 2nd I started bringing up facts about our bad habits, I started pointing out how many calories we were eating on each meals and 3rd I "invited/convinced" him to go to the gym together so he we can spend more time together doing something that could be fun and would benefict us. Also I convinced him to get bikes so whe have another activity together but at the same time is helping me with my goal! Also I started to take charge of the cooking specially in the evenings and so far he is loving it!

reisingmel

Holy smokes on the responses! I really appreciate all the advice and ideas. I think him and I are going to sit down and have a grown up talk about my health goals tonight. I know last night I was very frustrated when he didn't want me to go running and I asked him why he couldn't be a supportive husband on this one thing that I really wanted and he kinda went on about it taking time away from "us". But it was a very tense and maybe argumentative talk. Maybe a real, open conversation will help clear things up. I really hope it works!

I also think there might be something with him being a little more insecure with himself because at one point while we were engaged I was SUPER skinny and it really was unhealthy (not my fault, just some long term hospitalization) and he would literally try and force feed me - which I get now. But once I'd reached a healthy and normal weight he would still push food at me and tell me I was still too skinny. Now he's a little on the chunky side and though I've never held that against him or complained, part of me wonders if he also wants to lose but isn't quite ready? I don't want to read into anything though or make assumptions. I know he refuses to change his eating habits (been working on that one a few years now) so I've given up on that, but he doesn't seem all that interested in going to the gym even though we both have a memebership.

Plan A is have a serious talk and hope that he'll at minimum not whine when I go to the gym.

Plan B is talk to my boss about coming in later in the mornings so when we both leave for "work", I go to the gym first and then to work and he's none the wiser. This plans almosts seems easier... haha.

Thanks again for all the advice and I don't think I will be with holding sex, lol. I don't want him to totally hate me!

amivox

Maybe you can try getting him involved in your walks? Instead of telling him its a workout, you can trick him into going by telling him that you would love to go on a romantic walk with him. As for the pizza thing, maybe just try talking to him about it. If he still insists on getting pizza and ice cream, maybe you can get him to purchase smaller sizes that way there is less of a temptation to over-indulge. I hope he starts to be more supportive in the future. For now, just keep on doing what you have to do and hopefully he will get on board sooner rather than later.

reisingmel

At 1st my bf was kind of unsupportive because he was in charge of cooking and all he likes is rice, pasta and beef. When I brought it up he said that is my own decision to eat his food <.< and I cant eat the same he eats. Funny huh?
So what I did was reverse psychology. I was in charge of buying the groceries so I started picking better options. 2nd I started bringing up facts about our bad habits, I started pointing out how many calories we were eating on each meals and 3rd I "invited/convinced" him to go to the gym together so he we can spend more time together doing something that could be fun and would benefict us. Also I convinced him to get bikes so whe have another activity together but at the same time is helping me with my goal! Also I started to take charge of the cooking specially in the evenings and so far he is loving it!

I do all that actually! Minus the inviting him to workout, but I'll give that a shot. I'm always the one that shops and cooks but he won't eat anything in the vegetable family unless it's a potato and he doesn't know I've been feeding him the whole wheat white stuff for the last 6 months It's the small victories I guess.

Dawna954

Are you sure the issue is not more about "control" and much less about weight loss? Just a thought.

Ripcode

I went and got a new spouse that is supportive.

usernamejoe

You really have to get to the bottom of the issues or this will continue. NO need to hide or sneak around working out. Really, he should man up and let you do your thing but there seems to be some under lining issues here.. and you have to figure that out

shaydon80

Seems like he's having more of an issue with himself than with you. For whatever reason, he's sabotaging you because he doesn't want you to lose the weight. Maybe he's afraid of you getting hotter and losing interest in him.... or that you're getting better and he's feeling stagnant.... whatever the reasoning, talk to him about it. Don't be irrational, or yell.... but try to understand why he's doing it and try to explain why you want this for yourself. I'm sure you both can meet somewhere in the middle.....

Best of luck!

^^ What this person said!
My husband is the same way and I'm pretty sure it's out of insecurity.

KittieLea

My boyfriend wasn't supportive AT ALL when I first started my fitness program. He'd say things like "oh this won't last" and "I'm so sick of your stupid diet" but I stuck with it and reached my goal in March. I stuck with my program and worked hard at it because it's MY body and MY happiness! I'm with myself until the day I die. The boyfriend? He may not be there forever so I had to think about my long term goal and not let him get to me.

Jacwhite22

Will he not question why you are 1hr+ later coming home every evening?

Holy smokes on the responses! I really appreciate all the advice and ideas. I think him and I are going to sit down and have a grown up talk about my health goals tonight. I know last night I was very frustrated when he didn't want me to go running and I asked him why he couldn't be a supportive husband on this one thing that I really wanted and he kinda went on about it taking time away from "us". But it was a very tense and maybe argumentative talk. Maybe a real, open conversation will help clear things up. I really hope it works!

I also think there might be something with him being a little more insecure with himself because at one point while we were engaged I was SUPER skinny and it really was unhealthy (not my fault, just some long term hospitalization) and he would literally try and force feed me - which I get now. But once I'd reached a healthy and normal weight he would still push food at me and tell me I was still too skinny. Now he's a little on the chunky side and though I've never held that against him or complained, part of me wonders if he also wants to lose but isn't quite ready? I don't want to read into anything though or make assumptions. I know he refuses to change his eating habits (been working on that one a few years now) so I've given up on that, but he doesn't seem all that interested in going to the gym even though we both have a memebership.

Plan A is have a serious talk and hope that he'll at minimum not whine when I go to the gym.

Plan B is talk to my boss about coming in later in the mornings so when we both leave for "work", I go to the gym first and then to work and he's none the wiser. This plans almosts seems easier... haha.

Thanks again for all the advice and I don't think I will be with holding sex, lol. I don't want him to totally hate me!

Hellbent_Heidi

I think you should directly ask him why he is trying to sabotage you. If he says he isn't, tell him what he is doing feels that way. Sometimes spouses get insecure -- like "If she loses weight she'll leave me". To an extent that is understandable -- he's acting like am immature jerk.

Agreed..there's an underlying issue at play here. TALK TO HIM!!

Some people tend to jump to the worst conclusion...but he might (misguidedly) think he has your best interests at heart, especially considering your story about him having to help you gain weight in the past. Give him the benefit of the doubt and communicate! Good luck!

colderwildgirl

Excellent thread. Some funny, some serious, BIG community of support.