Is this mean?

Gwenski

So, I wrote this letter to my Mom today. I really hope it's not mean or hurtful, but needed to set things straight with her.. thoughts?


HI Mom;
I do hope this letter finds you well , happy, and comfortable today. The summer sun is lovely, but my goodness, it does get hot !

I am writing to you today in hopes that I can communicate with you some things that are very important to me. Sometimes, if things are written down they can be read and re-read until they are clear. If someone simply says something, they can be misunderstood, or misheard. When things are important, It is so good to be as clear and understood as possible.
Mom, I love and appreciate you so much.
I am always amazed at how hard you work to express your deep love of your children. You have certainly done a great job always trying to be on our side, so THANK YOU SO MUCH!
In just a few short years, I will be retiring with my husband and moving away. It is my deepest desire to make these last few years here happy, healthy, and filled with good times with people I love, and I’m wondering if you would be willing to help me with that?
While I normally love spending time with you, there are some difficulties that need to be addressed.
I have attempted to be quite clear about a few things in the past, but I am noticing that my wishes are not respected in a few very important areas of my life. I am writing today to ask you to please respect me in these specific areas in hopes that with boundary lines are drawn, we can both enjoy each other’s company.
• Please do not reveal any of my personal business to other family members. If a brother or sister asks about me simply say that I am doing fine, and if they wish to know more they may contact me personally. Though I have forgiven you for telling my sister about my weight loss, I do feel like you breached my trust; and though you told me you had done it, you did not apologize. I would really like a sincere apology that shows you understand how violated I felt. A person’s weight should no more be discussed with others as the balance in a person’s bank account. Quite simply, it’s personal, and none of anyone else’s business. It made me feel like my body, and what I’m doing with it, was a supply of nothing more than juicy gossip; and it hurt me greatly.
• Please stop asking if I have been weighed lately. You may not even realize but you do this EVERY TIME WE SPEAK. My weight is my weight, not yours. I’m sure you would find it rude if someone knocked on your door and asked “So, have you got weighed lately? Did you lose anything? How much?” Similarly, it rude to ask me. Please give me the same respect that you would anyone else.
• Please stop visually inspecting me and making faces and comments on my clothing and how I look in them. To tell the truth, you make me feel like a heifer at the fall fair. It’s demeaning, and hurtful. It’s even more hurtful that you then share your opinion with others. Did you notice that when I visit now, I cover almost my entire body with loose clothing so that you can’t judge me? That’s why I wore that heavy brown sweatshirt (and was uncomfortable and hot) the last time we visited. Do you really want to force me to that extreme?
You seem to be very preoccupied with how I look instead of, who I am, how I am, what I have to share, news, and just enjoying our time together. It feels like my body and how it looks in clothing has an importance to you that surpasses what makes me happy, what I’ve been doing, what stirs my passions, - why can’t we just talk about those things instead? , and please, please,PLEASE, keep what we discuss just between us.
Mom, I love you dearly, and I want to spend time with you. But, these things that you do must stop immediately and forever so that I can enjoy my time with you. I really do believe that deep down, you love me enough to want me to feel loved; but right now, you are making me feel like just a source of entertainment and something to gossip about. How can I see that as love? Things have to change on your end or our relationship means very little to you.
I really have tried to be as clear as possible. If you are unclear about anything I’ve said here, feel free to call me for clarification. If you would like to call and just talk within respectful boundaries, I’d love to just chat!
I’m sure we will talk soon,

oregonzoo

I don't think it is.

Honestly it's honest, heartfelt and has a lot of positives.

Captain_Tightpants

Are you that distant from your mom that you couldn't say this to her face to face? A letter seems awful cold.

TylerJ76

Are you that distant from your mom that you couldn't say this to her face to face? A letter seems awful cold.

This.

jplord

This is the sort of letter you write to yourself; for yourself. It will only hurt her. You are not being mean. You are doing the right thing to articulate your feelings, but don't try and persuade her all at once. Better to keep it simple and when she says something offensive, just say "Mom I know you love me but that is offensive. Please don't don't do that." Shorter. Easier for her to digest.

Forgiving your Mom's behavior will be easier on both of you rather than trying to change your Mom all at once. But as each occasion presents itself, let her know your feelings.

I am NO EXPERT, but this is how I handled my (very similar) Mom. She never changed, but I could cope better.

Jersey_Devil

i'd say this...not write it. 1st its too "deep" to be a letter. Its better as something thats said. 2nd. its too long.

JennedyJLD

(Redacted)

northernbeaver

Very brave letter! I sure hope she receives it with the love and care that it was meant to have.

lesliev523

I think it is hard for any of us to decide if it is mean or too much. No one here really knows your situation.

My mother is extremely judgmental, and I have never felt pretty enough, or thin enough (even when I was 105lbs!). I always felt like she was embarrassed by me and the way I looked. And I was a size 2 back then! So if you mother is like mine, then the letter is appropriate.

But... not knowing the situation, from how the letter flows, it sounds like your mom is more proud and excited for you and your weight loss. And if that is the case, then this letter is way too much. She almost sounds like a mom wanting to brag about your accomplishment, and follow the progress.....

So I don't really know if it is mean or not..... depends on the true intentions of your mother. And only you know that.

pamelak5

I'd probably just say, "Mom, I love spending time with you. But it really makes me uncomfortable when you make my weight an issue. It really hurts me, so I am afraid I just can't be around when you bring it up." If she visually inspects you, makes a comment, just leave. Leave the room or the house, whatever. You can't stop her from talking about your weight , but you can protect yourself from it. My family can be weight obsessed, too, and if anyone ever comments on my daughter's weight as she gets older, we'll just leave. No need to be around that.

iLoveMyPitbull1225

i think its great. It is not mean at all. I use the write a letter method because it makes me feel like I was able to clearly communicate everything I wanted to say nicely and calmly. Good luck and I hope her response is what you want.

NamibianRose

Ok, re-thought my post. If you sent it already, it's too late to worry about if it's mean or not. I'd follow up with a phone call if you don't hear from her in a few days though.

karenjoy

ummm I don't understand why her mentioning you losing weight to your brother or sister is a bad thing? I don't know if there are other issues at play here, but I don't care who knows I am losing weight, and also am pleased if people ask me how it's going. I also would ask my friends, family etc if they had been weighed if I knew they were actively dieting, and I know people who have asked me and i am happy to share, so if I am honest I think just saying to your Mum that you are feeling very sensitive is probably the way to go, because other than that, there is a lot of things that you don't like that are quite normal for many people, and she might get what you are ultimately saying is 'I am very VERY sensitive about my weight and appearance, please support me in this but not making me feel so conscious of it'...that's pretty much all you need to say I feel.

Unless there are other issues at play here, I think you need to just say that, and not send the letter, which to me, not knowing the whole story, or your situation obviously, I think its too much.

Bahet

ummm I don't understand why her mentioning you losing weight to your brother or sister is a bad thing? I don't know if there are other issues at play here, but I don't care who knows I am losing weight, and also am pleased if people ask me how it's going. I also would ask my friends, family etc if they had been weighed if I knew they were actively dieting, and I know people who have asked me and i am happy to share, so if I am honest I think just saying to your Mum that you are feeling very sensitive is probably the way to go, because other than that, there is a lot of things that you don't like that are quite normal for many people, and she might get what you are ultimately saying is 'I am very VERY sensitive about my weight and appearance, please support me in this but not making me feel so conscious of it'...that's pretty much all you need to say I feel.

Unless there are other issues at play here, I think you need to just say that, and not send the letter, which to me, not knowing the whole story, or your situation obviously, I think its too much.

^^^ this. I'm also losing weight. I know I'm the topic of conversations between my sisters and my mom. I don't know your family dynamic so perhaps it's different but in my case they are talking about me because they are proud of me. They ask what I weigh now because they are excited for me. It's like asking an honor student if they got their report card yet. They want to hear good news.

The judging your appearance and looking at you as if you are a prize heifer at the state fair is a whole other matter. Obviously talking to her hasn't changed anything. I don't think writing a letter will do anything more than cause a hurt and resentment. It's something a young teen would do, not an adult. However, if you really need to get the point across that you hate that (and I would too) perhaps some humor or sarcasm would work. Again, my family dynamic is probably quite different than yours but if my mom did that and the next time I went over I wore a bathing suit for her "inspection" and handed her a tape measure she would not only get the hint but she'd stop the inspections and realize how hurtful she had been. If a bathing suit is too uncomfortable for you try holding your arms out and rotating slowly for her "inspection".

IndianCat3

Are you that distant from your mom that you couldn't say this to her face to face? A letter seems awful cold.

^^maybe you didnt read what she said in the beginning...letter isn't awful at all

fatgirlslove

This is def something that ought to be said in person.

carolhug1234

the most perfect letter!! your mum probably does not realise she is being this way with you ( if you have lost weight, do you tell her, is she pleased for you)? but really your letter is fab! but it needs a better ending with comfirmation of your love for her and your need of support from her! good luck!! please let us all know how your letter is received!!

Lauren8239

I would give just about anything to have my mom back, faults and all. She's been gone 11 years. No offense, but if that's all you can fault her for, consider yourself very lucky. :flowerforyou:

jenbk2

.

But... not knowing the situation, from how the letter flows, it sounds like your mom is more proud and excited for you and your weight loss. And if that is the case, then this letter is way too much. She almost sounds like a mom wanting to brag about your accomplishment, and follow the progress.....

I agree with this.
I also agree that it is cold, but we do not know your history with your mother.

Pspetal

I like the idea of a letter. My mom writes me letters about things she feels uncomfortable discussing in person. That way, she gets things off her chest AND does not have to deal with awkwardness. I like that. Re-reading her emails gives me better insight than just listening to her talk. I write her long emails too when I have something sensitive to discuss. Both of us manage to get through to each other without any hurt or misunderstanding. Its a good way to broach a topic. Further discussion can and should happen face to face. Sometimes it is easier this way.
That said, this letter has an odd tone of formality. I don't know exactly what it is but it just seems very formal and somewhat distant. Maybe it is the ending, I'm not sure. If this is how you speak to her in person, its ok. But if you don't, then it is too distant.

glovepuppet

Are you that distant from your mom that you couldn't say this to her face to face? A letter seems awful cold.

i would rather be told this in a letter.
that way i have time to think before i react.
if i'm upset i can have the dignity or crying without being watched.

she knows her mother better than we do. she knows if face to face or letter is the best method for her.

HerroEmma89

Are you that distant from your mom that you couldn't say this to her face to face? A letter seems awful cold.

i would rather be told this in a letter.
that way i have time to think before i react.
if i'm upset i can have the dignity or crying without being watched.

she knows her mother better than we do. she knows if face to face or letter is the best method for her.

I agree

knk1553

I understand the point behind writing it in a letter, and it does allow her to read it and react in her own way, but I would also make sure to include that you would like to talk to her face to face after she's read it. I understand the last few points, but the first one about telling people about your weight loss, it seems like she is telling people because she's proud of you, not to try to be rude or reveal anything about your personal life. I think its honest but it is a little harsh, and don't expect her to not have her feelings hurt by reading it. Maybe hold on to it for a day or two, re-read it and decide for yourself. If I write something while I'm angry I never send it until later after I've re-read it, its proven to be reall effective.

AnninStPaul

It's not mean, but it won't help you. She's more likely to share it with your siblings, etc, and you'll be in a tougher spot than you are now.

Cut her off and change the subject whenever she brings up your weight. And if she keeps looking you over, tell her you will quit visiting (and then QUIT VISITING if she doesn't cut it out).

ashlinmarie

This is how I have to talk to my mom. We cannot communicate in person, unless it is over drinks. And then I run the risk of her forgetting. It is hard and I even feel that it is impersonal, but it has helped us understand each other better. Sometimes mothers just don't get it when you voice it to them, but this is clear and concise and addresses how you feel without attacking her. And as you said, she can read this over and over to get the real meaning out of it and make sure she understands it before confronting you personally.

NoAdditives

Are you that distant from your mom that you couldn't say this to her face to face? A letter seems awful cold.

i would rather be told this in a letter.
that way i have time to think before i react.
if i'm upset i can have the dignity or crying without being watched.

she knows her mother better than we do. she knows if face to face or letter is the best method for her.

It's also a lot easier to get your thoughts out in a clear, concise manner in a letter. There are times when my husband and I are dealing with a difficult issue that we express our thoughts through emails. This ensures that neither of us get too emotional while talking it out. I tend to just shut down and cry, instead of being able to talk. It sounds weird, but it works. It helps us avoid a lot of fights and arguments.

leomom72

i think it sounds very well written..sometimes it takes rudeness to get someones attention, but yours did not sound rude at all

ElizabethRoad

I would give just about anything to have my mom back, faults and all. She's been gone 11 years. No offense, but if that's all you can fault her for, consider yourself very lucky. :flowerforyou:

So someone whose mother is living should not do anything to improve the relationship?

missashley884

u cant really change how other people are. they are going to behave how they want, and how they always have. change yourself first

Pedal_Pusher

I just don't know if I would have posted it on the interwebs.......

NoAdditives

I'm also wondering why it's such a big deal that your mom talks about you in detail with your siblings. Sure, weight loss is a sensitive subject, but you're family. You can't expect someone not to share things about other family members. It's not gossip.