Is this mean?

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  • HerroEmma89
    HerroEmma89 Posts: 16 Member
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    Are you that distant from your mom that you couldn't say this to her face to face? A letter seems awful cold.
    i would rather be told this in a letter.
    that way i have time to think before i react.
    if i'm upset i can have the dignity or crying without being watched.

    she knows her mother better than we do. she knows if face to face or letter is the best method for her.

    I agree
  • knk1553
    knk1553 Posts: 438 Member
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    I understand the point behind writing it in a letter, and it does allow her to read it and react in her own way, but I would also make sure to include that you would like to talk to her face to face after she's read it. I understand the last few points, but the first one about telling people about your weight loss, it seems like she is telling people because she's proud of you, not to try to be rude or reveal anything about your personal life. I think its honest but it is a little harsh, and don't expect her to not have her feelings hurt by reading it. Maybe hold on to it for a day or two, re-read it and decide for yourself. If I write something while I'm angry I never send it until later after I've re-read it, its proven to be reall effective.
  • AnninStPaul
    AnninStPaul Posts: 1,372 Member
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    It's not mean, but it won't help you. She's more likely to share it with your siblings, etc, and you'll be in a tougher spot than you are now.

    Cut her off and change the subject whenever she brings up your weight. And if she keeps looking you over, tell her you will quit visiting (and then QUIT VISITING if she doesn't cut it out).
  • ashlinmarie
    ashlinmarie Posts: 1,263 Member
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    This is how I have to talk to my mom. We cannot communicate in person, unless it is over drinks. And then I run the risk of her forgetting. It is hard and I even feel that it is impersonal, but it has helped us understand each other better. Sometimes mothers just don't get it when you voice it to them, but this is clear and concise and addresses how you feel without attacking her. And as you said, she can read this over and over to get the real meaning out of it and make sure she understands it before confronting you personally.
  • NoAdditives
    NoAdditives Posts: 4,251 Member
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    Are you that distant from your mom that you couldn't say this to her face to face? A letter seems awful cold.
    i would rather be told this in a letter.
    that way i have time to think before i react.
    if i'm upset i can have the dignity or crying without being watched.

    she knows her mother better than we do. she knows if face to face or letter is the best method for her.

    It's also a lot easier to get your thoughts out in a clear, concise manner in a letter. There are times when my husband and I are dealing with a difficult issue that we express our thoughts through emails. This ensures that neither of us get too emotional while talking it out. I tend to just shut down and cry, instead of being able to talk. It sounds weird, but it works. It helps us avoid a lot of fights and arguments.
  • leomom72
    leomom72 Posts: 1,797 Member
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    i think it sounds very well written..sometimes it takes rudeness to get someones attention, but yours did not sound rude at all
  • ElizabethRoad
    ElizabethRoad Posts: 5,138 Member
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    I would give just about anything to have my mom back, faults and all. She's been gone 11 years. No offense, but if that's all you can fault her for, consider yourself very lucky. :flowerforyou:
    So someone whose mother is living should not do anything to improve the relationship?
  • missashley884
    missashley884 Posts: 188 Member
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    u cant really change how other people are. they are going to behave how they want, and how they always have. change yourself first
  • Pedal_Pusher
    Pedal_Pusher Posts: 1,166 Member
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    I just don't know if I would have posted it on the interwebs.......
  • NoAdditives
    NoAdditives Posts: 4,251 Member
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    I'm also wondering why it's such a big deal that your mom talks about you in detail with your siblings. Sure, weight loss is a sensitive subject, but you're family. You can't expect someone not to share things about other family members. It's not gossip.
  • wyze
    wyze Posts: 248
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    I really dont know if this is mean, but it is definitely alot. The good thing about it is we can see your heart and that you mean well. I also got a sense that your mum cares about your journey and her discussing it isnt all out of spite. And finally it seems that weight loss is a sensitive issue for you and thats why you are reacting this way. If that is the case, it would have been easier for you to say that your weightloss journey is a sensitive issue and you would prefer she didnt bring it up so often or mention it to anyone else.

    My family and friends discuss my weightloss alot and it doesnt bug me cos i am not sensitive about it. I actually like them talking about the changes they see. Teach your mum how to be more supportive in a way that does not offend you. This feels more like you are closing her off. Its not your fault that its a sensitive issue for you, but also know that when you get to your goal weight, people will notice and talk about it, so either ways it will be talked about whether you like it or not. Try to be a peace with that.

    Good job on taking care of your health...keep it up :flowerforyou:
  • juliecat1
    juliecat1 Posts: 3,455 Member
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    I would give just about anything to have my mom back, faults and all. She's been gone 11 years. No offense, but if that's all you can fault her for, consider yourself very lucky. :flowerforyou:


    This is the stance I take on these things. Life is so fleeting. The things about our family that drives us crazy is small in regards to the wonderful things family is. My mom drives me crazy but I'd never change her or nit pick her quirks. She's mine and I am me because she was she.

    I think these are good things to write out and process yourself. But a phone call or a lunch would be the best way to handle this.
  • mary_kate23
    mary_kate23 Posts: 156
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    I just don't know if I would have posted it on the interwebs.......

    ^^
  • brandedq
    brandedq Posts: 1
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    Wow! You have a talent for writing! That was so wonderfully put. I agree that it is better to write a letter when discussing these kinds of things than having a face to face conversation. You're right, things can get miscommunicated when it comes to things like this. I don't know you, but I am proud of you for doing this for yourself :) Good job!! I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that your mother will respond kindly.
  • ItsMeRebekah
    ItsMeRebekah Posts: 910 Member
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    no, not mean but if i were to receive it id laugh. sorry but i would. its just like you try and be personal and impersonal all at the same time.

    if you are close to your mom as indicated, just say what you want to her face. idk why you couldn't. if it were me the next time she asked my weight id be like HOLY HECK MOM LEAVE IT BE! lol but then again my mom is my bestie. plus, i would imagine you prob talk abt it quite a bit and get excited over losses and such. it just seems kind petty to me.

    thats my honest opinion.
  • lisalsd1
    lisalsd1 Posts: 1,520 Member
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    Not mean at all. It's seems honest and well-thought out. HOWEVER (speaking from personal experience), it will likely be interpreted as "being mean" by the reader.

    My mother-in-law is a pushy, overbearing, abusive...etc...etc...person. When my husband tried to communicate verbally with her, she refused to listen; and ultimately, she would argue and scream obscenities, even if he was calm, collected, and attempting an honest dialogue.

    In order to to get her to remove herself from our lives and adjust the way she was allowed to participate in our lives, we also wrote her a letter. It was very honest, matter-of-fact, and openly addressed some very harsh realities. She did NOT take kindly to the letter at all.

    Before you mail this (or email it), you have to ask yourself if the letter is for you or for her? Is she at a point in her life where she would change? If she isn't going to change, then this letter will not be effective in producing a better relationship. If she is not an open, receptive person, she will likely react the same way my mother-in-law reacted...which was not productive to mending a relationship with her son or building a relationship with her grandchildren.

    If the letter is really more for yourself, then it may not be necessary to send...or maybe you do feel it is necessary for you..in order for you to deal with personal issue.

    Just expect a ****-storm. I don't regret sending my mother-in-law her letter, nor does my husband regret it. We also do not regret removing a cancerous person from our lives. Your situation may not become so drastic...just use her previous behaviors and attitude in life to guide your decision.
  • fpgessel
    fpgessel Posts: 18 Member
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    Don't look for acceptance here for how you need to deal with you family situation.

    Everyone here may give you their take on it, but it doesn't make their view right or wrong - it's just that....THEIRS. You know best what you need from your relationshsip with your mother. And you know best about what you need regarding your weightloss efforts. Just accept that this is how you feel best to deal with your mom and go with it.

    And know that no matter what her response is, in person or in a letter back to you, that you are a strong individual and deserve to be happy!
  • wanderinggypsy
    wanderinggypsy Posts: 40
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    I'm an awful communicator, so when I have something important to say to my boyfriend, I'll write him a note and read it out loud to him. Then I get to put all my thoughts in a concise manner, and we can discuss it afterwards. He gets to keep the note too. This has worked really well for us. (I did this with my mom once too and it ended really well!) So, I guess I'm saying, don't just send this to her....it would likely not be received well. But if you make time to have a one-on-one with her and then read it out loud, it might be less "mean" and more of a nice gesture that you're confiding in her and love her enough to have that conversation.
  • ccadroz93
    ccadroz93 Posts: 136 Member
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    Had you not specifically asked for opinions I would hold this to myself; you are being really selfish and self centered with your mom. She is obviously very proud of you to ask about your journey every time she sees you-she sees the changes you have made and wants you to know she sees them. Why wouldn't she tell your siblings she has noticed your weight loss or how you look in your clothes??!! Come on, really? Is your relationship SOOOOOOO distant from your siblings that you think you can "hide" your weight loss under your old clothes? Like you are embarrassed that you are losing weight??? I think 99.9999999% of the population that succeeds at losing weight is excited for people to notice and even more so when they recognize it verbally-it is very encouraging to hear people say I look healthy.

    Cut your mom some slack for loving you enough to recognize your accomplishments....I am positive that the time you get to spend with her is not exclusively centered around your weight loss unless you keep it focused there.
  • taunto
    taunto Posts: 6,420 Member
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    Not mean. If you've talked to her face to face and she's just ignoring it, then like you said maybe she will read and re-read and hopefully get it. You've mentioned that you loved her and everything but just want her respect in certain areas and if she can't do that or takes this letter the wrong way (be prepared for her to defensively attack you for this letter btw) then I'm afraid theres not much you can do.

    Good luck. You and your mom both sounds like wonderful peeps but just like most relationships have a small communication problem :)

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