Is this mean?
Replies
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Are you accepting any blame? If she tells others your business, then don't tell HER. I also though it sounded VERY rude that you point out that she can keeep re-reading your letter until she gets it. Is she pointing out your weight because she is worried about you? Is she over-weight? If not, is it an insecurity issue on your part? Although what she has done hurts you, it doesn't sound like she is doing it on purpose. if this is the worst your mother has done, then she sounds like an angel. I hate to say it, but your letter sounds more like you have issues then that she has issues.
This is what I was thinking, rather than asking her to change her behavior, change yours! I hate it when my mom talks to me about weight loss because she can eat whatever and still be a size 4 and I struggle with everything and she likes to point it out, so I've stopped talking to her about what I'm eating/cooking/exercising. That was she can't "use it against me". I don't know your relationship but she's probably unlikely to change....0 -
I think if you are going to give your momma this letter, you should hand it to her in person and sit there while she reads it so that you can discuss it when she is done. That way she knows you are not trying to be mean or hateful, you just didn't know how else to communicate it.0
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haven't read any previous comments, so if I repeat something, I apologize. But, after reading this letter there sounds like something a little more wrong with you than your mother. However; if these are your requests, then I'm sure she will respect them.
weight-loss is a big lifestyle change. it affects how you eat, and your social patterns as your activities and general interests change to create a healthy lifestyle. people are often genuinely excited and interested in what's going on in your life when you undertake something like this. if weight-loss were simple, everyone would do it, and it would not be a big deal.
I'm assuming I take your letter as rude because I actually enjoy that people are excited for me, and ask me questions and want advice, etc. It's one of the biggest accomplishments in my short life thus far, so obviously our experiences are different than one another's.
but I do think a mother has the right to tell one sibling how another sibling is doing. or maybe if you communicated with said sibling, mother would not have had to say anything.
these are my opinions, hope she takes to your requests. congrats on your weight-loss, and enjoy your retirement when it comes.0 -
So someone whose mother is living should not do anything to improve the relationship?I would give just about anything to have my mom back, faults and all. She's been gone 11 years. No offense, but if that's all you can fault her for, consider yourself very lucky. :flowerforyou:
How silly. Of course.0 -
Yikes! Nice letter to keep tucked in your dresser drawer; for yourself. Nobody can make you "feel" like a heifer, or sad, angry,guilty, or any other emotion. You CHOOSE to feel, how you feel. Is it your Mom's fault how you feel? If you don't want stuff passed to your siblings; don't tell your Mom. You are upset because they know about your weight loss? Really? I didn't know that apparent weight loss was a State secret. FYI- we all come from dysfunctional families. Get over yourself, and leave Mom alone.0
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I think it's way too long. Since your three main bullet points are pretty much about the same issue - don't discuss my weight with others, don't ask me about my weight, don't inspect my looks/clothes - then it could just be summed up as "Mom, I'm pretty sensitive in this area (would be good to take some responsibility) and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't ask me about my weight or discuss it with others." That's it. Don't blame her for being insensitive, accept the responsibility for you being sensitive. Also, be really careful bringing up things like "If you respect our relationship..." - that makes it sound like you're accusing her of not respecting your relationship and that will hurt her and make her defensive.
It can feel really good to tell people exactly what you think of them, but I must caution you that the response you get won't always be what you want. If you want her to not be hurt and understand your position, you are going to have to word your letter accordingly. Just because we are hurt by something doesn't always mean it's 100% the other person's fault. A lot of times it's because we're sensitive in this area. Just my two cents.0 -
My dad makes comments about my weight and what I eat (I live with him) and I know he means well, even if it is hurtful. That being said, I deal with these faults because I would be lost without my parents. I usually try to make a joke out of it. As others have said only YOU know how your mother will take things.0
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1 - as a mother I would be devastated that my children felt they couldn't talk to me and instead wrote me a coldass and formal letter
2 - your letter makes YOU sound like the total head case with major issues with your weight. at your age....(almost retirement for godsakes!!) man up and tell Mom like it is. "Mom I love you but I'm a grown woman don't talk to me like that anymore"
3 - speaking for myself and everyone who has lost a parent or both parents..... what we would give to have just one day back with them
Be a grown up, talk to your Mom and maybe seek some counseling to deal with your issues regarding your weight and relationship with your mother.0 -
I think the last 2 sentences sound very mean. In the beginning you say you know your mother loves you and appreciate her, but then at the end you question her love and come very, very close to giving an ultimatium.
You know the situation and your mother and I don't, but just from the letter alone I'd suggest rewording the ending to reiterate that you believe she is not trying to hurt you and loves you, but that she is, in fact, hurting you unintentionally and that's why you needed to write the letter.
If she doesn't change, you could always be a little more forceful later. But I'd probably keep the tone loving until she's had a chance to react.0 -
I get this. I like to write letters when I have something important to say. I encourage my daughters to do this as well. You can think through everything you want to say. You can say it how you mean it to come out, without the emotional overtones. You can reread, edit, think it through. You can word it so that it doesn't hurt feelings but gets the point across. You can massage it until it's close to perfect. And you can say what you need to say without interruption and without losing track of what it was you wanted to say. You don't reach a point where, out of frustration, you blurt out the parts that could be construed as negative (if you didn't have all that comes before and after). And it gives your mom time to read it and see what your real desires are - to have a relationship with her - without her losing herself in the emotion and also gives her time to think it over and respond back. It sounds like your mom loves you and is concerned about you and probably doesn't intend at all to demean you. I could appreciate a letter like this from my daughters.
Without knowing you or your mom or all that you have been through, I think you did an excellent job.0 -
I wouldn't know how to handle this. But I think a letter isn't enough. You should talk to her about it and explain it to her in person. If she misunderstands something than you can explain it right then and there. She may not really realize how much it hurts you. If I had a daughter and they wrote me a letter I'd be furious. I would rather things like this be told to my face in any situation. Writing a letter is just hiding behind paper.0
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But I'd probably keep the tone loving until she's had a chance to react.
Definitely keep it on the positive side.0 -
I get it. I get the letter. You are correct that sometimes writing something out can give the recipient time to "hear" you. It also gives you the opportunity to grind an ax without immediate consequences.
I'm sorry your mom doesn't respect your boundaries. I think many of us would say "that's what moms do" but you are trying to change that dynamic, and that's your choice.
When you say you are retiring with your husband and "moving away" do you mean moving away from the current city where you live? I assume this is the case. How often do you currently see/visit your mother? Is that going to significantly change when you move away?
Still assuming you live separately from your mom, you do make the choice to visit her, right? Are you providing care for her? Or is she living independently (or with care) without being dependent on you?
The reason I'm asking these questions is that much of what you are talking about depends on you. You don't even have to ask. You get to control and influence almost everything that is bothering you. You can choose what to share with your mom. If you don't want her to share details of your weight loss with other people, and you have asked her not to do that, yet she continues to do so, you can choose to simply not share any details with her. Your choice. You don't have to ask for anything there. She cannot share anything you don't tell her, save for her own personal observations.
If your mother looks at you in a way that is shameful, you have a few choices. You can decide to dig at that shame and work on your own issues of body image, self-esteem, etc. (lot of work, but ultimately very much worth it). Or you can simply not be around your mom. Or limit your exposure to her. Trying to get someone to not look at you a certain way is pretty tough. I recommend either ignoring the looks (and dealing with whatever shame they are triggering) or simply don't be a target for those looks, and limit your exposure to your mom. You are putting too much responsibility on her. She may or may not change. You can change.
You've lost 59 pounds. That's quite an accomplishment. I know stuff with our parents is hard and messy and complicated and dramatic and emotional and sometimes crazy. But you don't have to participate in any of those parts of it. You can elect to participate in the loving parts of the relationship if you want to.
To answer you post title: I do not think you are being mean. But I don't think you are being effective. I think expecting your mom to change is a long-standing battle you might be tired of fighting. And sending her this letter may simply make her mad or hurt her feelings. I hope you focus less on your mom and more on you. I don't know how much your mom will change. But anyone that loses 59 pounds has the strength and determination to make some pretty big changes. Focus on you. You alone have the ability to make this situation better.0 -
Beautiful, heartfelt, honest and full of L-O-V-E, if you ask me! A hearty hug to you and good luck.0
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Focus on you. You alone have the ability to make this situation better.
^ This.0 -
Yikes! Nice letter to keep tucked in your dresser drawer; for yourself. Nobody can make you "feel" like a heifer, or sad, angry,guilty, or any other emotion. You CHOOSE to feel, how you feel. Is it your Mom's fault how you feel? If you don't want stuff passed to your siblings; don't tell your Mom. You are upset because they know about your weight loss? Really? I didn't know that apparent weight loss was a State secret. FYI- we all come from dysfunctional families. Get over yourself, and leave Mom alone.
Oh if only this were true!! If only we really were in complete control of how we feel. Love is an emotion. We can no more prevent feeling hurt when a beloved parent does something that makes us feel belittled or betrayed than we can prevent feeling heartbreak when someone we love leaves.
If you feel love, you will at some point feel hurt.0 -
I am also a big believer in letters when it's not working to just say what you are feeling. I think the letter is kind and gets your point across. However, it sounds like your mother is talking about your weight loss as a positive thing. Although when you say she is inspecting your physique..that is another story. Are you sure your mother discussing your weight loss is a negative thing? Could it be that she is just proud of you?
Regardless, you know the situation far better than any of us. If you are sure that her actions are inappropriate then the letter is fine as it is. It is well-written and seems to be written with love.0 -
What is it with this attitude? There are options beyond "taking it" and "not having your parents".My dad makes comments about my weight and what I eat (I live with him) and I know he means well, even if it is hurtful. That being said, I deal with these faults because I would be lost without my parents. I usually try to make a joke out of it. As others have said only YOU know how your mother will take things.0 -
May I forward this one to mine !0
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I kind of think you're mom is proud of you and excited for you about your weight loss. I mean, loosing weight right now is a big part of your life, and your mom wants to be apart of it. I wouldn't get offended if my mom talked to people about my weight loss, or asked me if I lost weight lately, or wanted to look me over to size up my new figure, I would feel excited because my mom is excited.
I don't want to judge or anything because I don't know the whole situation, but it does sound like there are other things driving you to feel this way. These things you point out, to me, don't sound like enough to drive someone to write the type of letter you've written. I would really look into those feelings you have and determine what is really making you feel this way.0 -
I think the Biggest Loser trainers would be asking you a different question, "what are you really hiding from?" You are doing a very public thing by getting healthy and losing weight, but it makes you uncomfortable to have it discussed within your own family even? Wearing big sweatshirts to hide your success? Do you think that since you did all the hard work they don't deserve to share in it? I think this is a whole different soul searching issue you need to address with yourself. Maybe you should write your past self a letter instead. Good luck.
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Grow up!
You are an adult, she is an adult. While you will always have that mother/daughter dynamic, you are plenty old enough to say "Hey Mom, I love you but please stop talking about my weight, it makes me really uncomfortable." Hell, I've said as much to my mother over other issues and I'm only 26.
You don't need a long, drawn out cry fest about your feelings and self esteem, just tell her the truth and move on.0 -
I guess you need to ask yourself some questions first.
1.) Is my mom the kind of person who will take this in the spirit in which it is intended, or will she hold it over me the rest of her life and feel that she was wronged by you? Will it help or hurt your relationship?
2.) Is this one of those letters that writing it and getting it "out there" is more helpful than actually sending it? I do this when I am so worked up by something I have to get it out and it is a lot cheaper than therapy.
I did something like this with my dad, who was a very difficult person at times. I spoke to him directly, and he took it all wrong, and it was years before he and I were OK again. I felt better unloading, but he was the type of person who felt that I unloaded my burden onto him, so he had one more thing to moan about. If your mother is like this, this will not have the intended result you desire.
You may get better results calling her out on her behavior each time she does something that offends, rather than all at once in a letter. Again, it all depends on your mom, you know her better than we do.
I hope you and your mother work things out and can have the kind of relationship that you truly want.0 -
^^^^^^ THIS ^^^^^^'This is the sort of letter you write to yourself; for yourself. It will only hurt her.
I know you're not trying to be mean, but I don't think I'd take this well if it were sent to me. You are demanding that she change in order to maintain a relationship with you. She is your mom. She gave birth to you. It is very possible that she doesn't see it as your place to change her.
The person who posted the above had some good suggestions for addressing the problem behavior when it happens. IMO, that would be a more helpful and direct approach. The letter is too broad sweeping. It will likely be hard for her to make an overall change, but having corrective reinforcement of small, specific behaviors gives concrete examples of the things you'd like her to change.
If you think that your mom's true intentions are good, I would fold the letter up and keep it for yourself, and address her more directly.
Just my thoughts.
Good luck to you.
Jen0 -
Grow up!
You are an adult, she is an adult. While you will always have that mother/daughter dynamic, you are plenty old enough to say "Hey Mom, I love you but please stop talking about my weight, it makes me really uncomfortable." Hell, I've said as much to my mother over other issues and I'm only 26.
You don't need a long, drawn out cry fest about your feelings and self esteem, just tell her the truth and move on.
^^^^^Thank you YES!!!!0 -
I am envious of your ability to even talk to your mom (or write to your mom) about your issues... if I had to write a letter to my mom, it would say something like: "please stop calling me worthless. please stop trying to control my life and telling me how to raise my daughter. please stop the passive aggressive behavior to get me to be your personal slave... no, i can't come over every day and do your housework and yard work, cook for you, shop for you, and take your car to put gas in it. please stop calling me 10-12 times EVERY DAY, especially while i'm at work. please stop calling me names and treating me like i'm 5. please stop hanging up on me when I tell you I'm busy and can't drop everything to cater to your needs. and, finally, please stop using my dad's death as a way to justify your nasty behavior...we're all hurting and miss him."
honestly, if i would say (or write) those things to her, she would tell me that she gave me life and i owe her... *sigh* such a DESTRUCTIVE and DAMAGING relationship i have with her... i keep her as far away as possible.
Guess Who's Coming To Dinner (Partial quote). Sidney Poitier's delivery of this speech was just amazing.
You listen to me. You say you don't want to tell me how to live my life. So what do you think you've been doing? You tell me what rights I've got or haven't got, and what I owe to you for what you've done for me. Let me tell you something. I owe you nothing! If you carried that bag a million miles, you did what you're supposed to do! Because you brought me into this world. And from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me like I will owe my son if I ever have another. But you don't own me! You can't tell me when or where I'm out of line, or try to get me to live my life according to your rules. You don't even know what I am, Dad, you don't know who I am. You don't know how I feel, what I think. And if I tried to explain it the rest of your life you will never understand....0 -
Wondering......
How old is Mom?
and
How often do you visit her?0 -
Are you that distant from your mom that you couldn't say this to her face to face? A letter seems awful cold.
This.
I think the letter is very thoughtful and considerate. What a lot of people do not understand is that there are RELATIVES, who take some others for "granted" lots of times because of "Status" in the Family>>>a younger sibling, an Adult child, One who does not complain but DO for all... This status causes others to NOT Hear when the person with "perceived" lesser status speaks. For clarity and respect purposes it is Important to write this stuff down...No One can say, "You didn't say that" or I didn't understand... You see, those who perceive themselves superior in the relationship may even try and intimidate, walk out or say, "you are nuts." Face to face confrontation is NOT always the best way to get YOUR point across. Take the personalities OUT of the equation...just the facts and acts and how they make the "grieved" party feel.
Everyone doesn't always "fight" fair, especially if it is on their (the stronger party's) turf. Where did "we" ever get the notion that we have to confront to the face. Who needs all the Negatives, drama and possible violence that may come with that. You must know what tool is appropriate for each situation. WELL DONE OP!!!0 -
True; but if you hold unto these feelings through 50 something pounds of weight loss, (and who knows how many years before that), you are now making a CHOICE. As feeling beings we all feel emotion, the question is; what do we do with it? I would submit that the OP is being unfair to herself, and being hurtful to Mom in the process.Yikes! Nice letter to keep tucked in your dresser drawer; for yourself. Nobody can make you "feel" like a heifer, or sad, angry,guilty, or any other emotion. You CHOOSE to feel, how you feel. Is it your Mom's fault how you feel? If you don't want stuff passed to your siblings; don't tell your Mom. You are upset because they know about your weight loss? Really? I didn't know that apparent weight loss was a State secret. FYI- we all come from dysfunctional families. Get over yourself, and leave Mom alone.
Oh if only this were true!! If only we really were in complete control of how we feel. Love is an emotion. We can no more prevent feeling hurt when a beloved parent does something that makes us feel belittled or betrayed than we can prevent feeling heartbreak when someone we love leaves.
If you feel love, you will at some point feel hurt.0 -
gosh..you asked, so i will say YES it is mean. It's a very cold letter.0
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