Am I being to harsh?

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KaidaKantri
KaidaKantri Posts: 401
in Chit-Chat
I keep trying to make plans with a friend to hang out. I know she works long hours, and I told her if she's to tired to hang out that I understand. We had plans to go to the lake and hang out if she was feeling okay. She texts me that she's grumpy and has stuff to do at home so she's not ganna go to the lake.

I'm feeling upset, hurt, and resentful towards her. I understand that she has stuff to do at home, but if she had stuff to do at home, shouldn't she NOT be making plans on going to the lake? And if she's to tired to go to the lake of all places, then shouldn't she be resting instead of doing house stuff? She keeps pulling stuff like this and I'm very open to hanging out whenever, but when we make plans, it's like she just comes up with other stuff to do it seems like. I'm not the type of person who wants to start a confrontation, and I really don't want to start an argument... :( Idk what to do about it. Any ideas?
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  • ket_the_jet
    ket_the_jet Posts: 1,257 Member
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    Harsh implies that you are being cruel or unpleasantly severe. I would not say you are being harsh. You may be acting a little misunderstanding.

    I don't care to pry into your friend's circumstances, but my best recommendation would be to say, "I'd love to hang out with you when you're available. Please let me know when it is best for you." Be easy going and articulate that you don't mind last-minute invites.
    -wtk
  • KaidaKantri
    KaidaKantri Posts: 401
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    I have done the whole "When it's best for you thing." It actually worked out that she said today would be best for the lake. But then she goes and says she's not going to. This has happened several times.
  • Bobby_Clerici
    Bobby_Clerici Posts: 1,828 Member
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    Find a new friend...seriously....
    If somebody says they are going to be somewhere, be there or do not commit.
    I had a friend who planned to meet me for tennis, then just never showed up.
    No call - no show!
    Once, shame on him, but twice?
    Shame on me!
    I booted that loser from my life and felt glad when later, he lost his job, because I could have connected him with friends that would have got him right back in the workforce. He knew this and called, and I totally ignored him....SWEET!:devil:
    Being a lousy friend who can't show up means he'd be a lousy employee, and there is no way I'd recommend him to anybody.
  • LonLB
    LonLB Posts: 1,126 Member
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    It gets old.....After awhile you just give up.

    I HATE FLAKY PEOPLE WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING.
  • wolverine66
    wolverine66 Posts: 3,779 Member
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    i have a friend who is kind of like this. i have just lowered my expectations to the point that i don't expect plans he/we make to actually happen.

    that way i'm not angry when they fall through. and on the occasion that we end up doing something, then that's cool too.
  • dawnrenee567
    dawnrenee567 Posts: 292 Member
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    She's just not that into you...
  • Krys_140
    Krys_140 Posts: 648 Member
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    Harsh implies that you are being cruel or unpleasantly severe. I would not say you are being harsh. You may be acting a little misunderstanding.

    I don't care to pry into your friend's circumstances, but my best recommendation would be to say, "I'd love to hang out with you when you're available. Please let me know when it is best for you." Be easy going and articulate that you don't mind last-minute invites.
    -wtk
    ^^^^This. Put the ball in her court, and if she doesn't hit it, then she's done playing, and so are you.
  • ket_the_jet
    ket_the_jet Posts: 1,257 Member
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    I have done the whole "When it's best for you thing." It actually worked out that she said today would be best for the lake. But then she goes and says she's not going to. This has happened several times.
    Here's the deal: You already know what you want to do about it and are looking for validation in your decision. If I say, "Never talk to her again and go make new friends" you'll think, "I knew it--he's right." And if I say, "She's your friend for a reason...be more understanding," you'll appreciate the appeal of what you already have.

    The good news is that there are over 7,000,000,000 people on earth. If one of your friends cannot go to the lake, there is no reason to assume that no one wants to go. Diversify your assets.
    -wtk
  • KaidaKantri
    KaidaKantri Posts: 401
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    i have a friend who is kind of like this. i have just lowered my expectations to the point that i don't expect plans he/we make to actually happen.

    that way i'm not angry when they fall through. and on the occasion that we end up doing something, then that's cool too.

    That's a good idea. It's just sad cuz almost everyone I know does this. The only person I can literally rely on is my fiance. And I love my fiance, but it would be nice to find a girl I really get along with and actually puts effort into the relationship.
  • ket_the_jet
    ket_the_jet Posts: 1,257 Member
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    It's just sad cuz almost everyone I know does this.
    If everyone you know does this, then what is the common denominator here? What are you doing that people think, "Meh, I'd rather do something else than hang out with her today?"
    -wtk
  • janemem
    janemem Posts: 575 Member
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    Sometimes things just get in the way and even with the best will in the world there is always something to come between what you want to do.
    My best friend and I are always making plans to see each other but it normally takes at least 5 or 6 aborted attempts before we actually get around to doing it. We have made 3 dates in the last 2 weeks but for some reason or another we're still no closer to meeting, whether it is her having to rearrange or me.
    I wouldn't take it to heart, neither would I be annoyed at my friend for cancelling, life just gets in the way! :ohwell:
  • tmauck4472
    tmauck4472 Posts: 1,785 Member
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    Don't call, don't ask. Let her be the one from now on to make all plans and all contact. May be time to move on
  • KaidaKantri
    KaidaKantri Posts: 401
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    I think at the very least she could apologize for having to do stuff and offer to plan for another day. But this NEVER happens.
  • ket_the_jet
    ket_the_jet Posts: 1,257 Member
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    I think at the very least she could apologize for having to do stuff and offer to plan for another day. But this NEVER happens.
    Okay, this is probably why she doesn't want to hang out with you. You're needy. Why would anyone ever apologize for life getting in the way of relaxation? She works long hours and has house stuff to do, on top of sleeping?

    You got three supportive answers from me but this one may be the most accurate: Get over yourself.
    -wtk
  • MB_Positif
    MB_Positif Posts: 8,897 Member
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    I don't think you are being harsh, but if she legitmately has stuff to do at home in addition to working long hours then I do understand her position. She might really want to go and do fun stuff, but when it all comes down to it she is a responsible person who wants to get her stuff done. I personally would probably avoid the responsibility and do the fun stuff then regret it later when my house was a mess.
  • mnwalkingqueen
    mnwalkingqueen Posts: 1,299 Member
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    I keep trying to make plans with a friend to hang out. I know she works long hours, and I told her if she's to tired to hang out that I understand. We had plans to go to the lake and hang out if she was feeling okay. She texts me that she's grumpy and has stuff to do at home so she's not ganna go to the lake.

    Flaky friends suck but you stated that you would understand if she didn't want to hang out then you got mad. You can't understand then get mad. Either except her for who she is or stop being friends with her.
  • KaidaKantri
    KaidaKantri Posts: 401
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    I think at the very least she could apologize for having to do stuff and offer to plan for another day. But this NEVER happens.
    Okay, this is probably why she doesn't want to hang out with you. You're needy. Why would anyone ever apologize for life getting in the way of relaxation? She works long hours and has house stuff to do, on top of sleeping?

    You got three supportive answers from me but this one may be the most accurate: Get over yourself.
    -wtk

    I'm not being needy. If I have to cancel on someone because life gets in the way, I apologize and try making plans for another day.
  • _HeartsOnFire_
    _HeartsOnFire_ Posts: 5,304 Member
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    Friendships are 2 way streets, it can't always be so one-sided. I would still be there for her, but don't make plans with her that you know she's going to back out of. Plus, if she's that grumpy/negative/etc then that can rub off on you and who needs that? Eventually she'll either notice you stopped asking and ask you to do something, or she'll keep going the way she's going. She may be in a depression and doesn't want to bring anyone else down.

    I understand your feelings completely, been there, done that. All I can suggest is be her friend as much as you can be, even if that just means email/text/call. I wouldn't make anymore plans that she'll back out of though, because then you're setting yourself up to be hurt/disappointed. Make plans with others that won't back out.
  • KaidaKantri
    KaidaKantri Posts: 401
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    did you ever think to offer to help her out with her stuff at home so she can get it done & then go to the lake afterward?

    I have. She always declines.

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