Am I being to harsh?

2

Replies

  • Lesley2901
    Lesley2901 Posts: 372 Member
    One of my friends is the same and changes plans at the last minute to suit her kids (aged 18 and 20) it has got to the point where she is the last person I contact as the plans will probably fall through anyway. It's a shame because she is good company but she is her own worst enemy, she is always complaining that she never goes out - probably because she does this to all her friends.
  • AwesomelyAmber
    AwesomelyAmber Posts: 1,617 Member
    If she is your friend and you want to keep her... let her call you. ONce she does call you to make a plan, tell her.."I'm clearing MY schedule for this, please be sure that you CAN FOLLOW THROUGH before I write it down" (I don't agree with telling you to 'dump her' over this one post... I don't know your life, only that you are annoyed witha friend TODAY. People are allowed to be annoyed with their friends every now and again :flowerforyou: )
  • Elzecat
    Elzecat Posts: 2,916 Member
    I know I've been in this situation where someone's canceled on me (recently, went to the movies alone because my friend canceled unexpectedly. It happens) and I know that there are times I've flaked out when I am too tired or busy and don't want to go out...I try to not do that too often and I don't do it when it's something like concert tickets bought in advance, unless I'm deathly ill.

    I really think you need to be having this conversation with your friend, not with a bunch of strangers on the internet forums who don't know the whole situation. We don't know you, we don't know her, you seem to be a little defensive in response the advice you're receiving, and you say that all your friends are like this? You have a lot of flaky friends, in that case ;)

    Tell your friend, again: "I'd love to hang out with you when you're available. Please let me know when it is best for you." Put the ball in her court. Don't invite her to do anything for a while. Make some new friends that might be a bit more reliable.
  • AwesomelyAmber
    AwesomelyAmber Posts: 1,617 Member
    Seriously? People do have lives outside of your own.

    Seriously? I realize this.
    Then why so hurt?

    In this case I would think that she is 'hurt' because their lives were supposed to inter-mingle at the lake... :ohwell: :wink:
  • Cliffslosinit
    Cliffslosinit Posts: 5,044 Member
    It's not you..... it's me.
    Just move on...I'll be OK
  • msbanana
    msbanana Posts: 793 Member
    I think at the very least she could apologize for having to do stuff and offer to plan for another day. But this NEVER happens.
    Okay, this is probably why she doesn't want to hang out with you. You're needy. Why would anyone ever apologize for life getting in the way of relaxation? She works long hours and has house stuff to do, on top of sleeping?

    You got three supportive answers from me but this one may be the most accurate: Get over yourself.
    -wtk

    ^^ this ^^
    I've had a few friends that do this and ya know you can get all butt-hurt or get over it. Don't make plans with her if they always fall through. If you need more like minded female friends and you're not that socially active try something like meetup.com or something where you can rely on the fact that some random people are all going to the lake then you can make new friends that actually want to spend time together. If that doesn't sound like its up your alley... well then figure it out.
  • leinani45
    leinani45 Posts: 1
    THIS may be too harsh, but it needs to be said. You need to understand that you are not a priority to your friend. She is obviously over-taxed and has a lot of crap to do. The truth of the matter is that she is too busy to hang out with you. She shouldn't have to apologize for it. You aren't paying her bills or cleaning her house. However, if she consistently doesn't have time to hang out, stop inviting her. This is the key to success--get over it and go to the lake anyway. Why should you stop your life just because a friend can't go do something? If she's too busy, she'll miss out. You shouldn't sit on your laurels and wait around for her. Eventually she will either--make time for you, or fade away as people in our lives sometimes do. Shrug it off. It's a natural part of life.
  • _Wits_
    _Wits_ Posts: 1,286 Member
    This is a hard lesson to learn but people make plans and want to hang out with their friends all the time to escape their hectic lives but sometimes we get reminders that we just don't have the spare time to have fun "at the lake".

    I wouldn't confront her...you have no right to confront her. Find another friend to hang out with and just keep an open line of communication with her. I doubt it has anything to do with you so you really don't need to make it somehow be about you.
  • iLoveMyPitbull1225
    iLoveMyPitbull1225 Posts: 1,690 Member
    I have had this happen to me, but the sad truth is that you might just end up losing a friend over it. After a while, you get frustrated and stop asking. You gotta cut your losses and move on.
  • gertudejekyl
    gertudejekyl Posts: 386 Member
    I hate people like that. If you get upset she'll act all innocent and like you have a problem. I would just pretend that she no longer exists. :):flowerforyou:
  • monikariney
    monikariney Posts: 5 Member
    Totally agree with Ket_the_jet and Dawnrenee.

    She's just not that into you...Plus, if nearly everyone you know is that way--that's a problem. If people are too busy to be with you, it's probably that they're not having much fun.

    I'm not trying to trash you, because I used to have this problem in my late twenties. I finally figured out that in my case I was a drag to be around because I complained a lot and was sad a lot and talked mostly about myself. When a topic of conversation turned up, I always related it back to myself. I didn't even realize how this affected other people until I evaluated why more people didn't want to spend time with me.

    Over time I watched people I liked to be around and that I saw other people like to be around. They weren't necessarily overly giving, they were just fun. They laughed a lot. They told funny stories. They made other people feel good about themselves by the ways they interacted. They were genuine and upbeat.

    I started to change, and changing helped me have a lot more fun too. Now it's almost like second nature. It's not that I'm never serious or needy or bleak--sure, I have my times, but I love life and people love to be around me now. It's a whole lot more fun for everybody.
  • CleanEatingLlama
    CleanEatingLlama Posts: 10 Member
    My main concern is, why are constantly seeking rejection? Does it feel good?

    You ARE being too harsh, on yourself. Stop chasing a one-sided friendship, and try out new people. There are plenty out there, and you are worth more than that! If she does not realize that, it's not her fault, maybe you just aren't meant to be friends... and that's OK too!
  • lizziebeth1028
    lizziebeth1028 Posts: 3,602 Member
    If it were an isolated incident I'd say cut her some slack...she might just be tired and overwhelmed with things she needs to get done at home. But if she is consistently doing this...then it might be time to take the hint and find another friend.
  • weighlossforbaby
    weighlossforbaby Posts: 847 Member
    Stop inviting her to things and go by yourself. It seems like she is more involved in her own life than her social life with other people. If it was me I wouldn't have anything to do with her anymore if she kept brushing me off.
  • NoAdditives
    NoAdditives Posts: 4,251 Member
    It bugs me when people use "I have other stuff to do" (ie. errands) as an excuse for bailing on a party at the last minute. But as far as just hanging out goes, it's understandable. And, it sounds like you gave her an out when you said you'd understand if she wasn't feeling up to it. So in this case, it sounds like you're upset that she took the option you gave her. To me, that's silly, since it sounds like you knew there was a good chance of her not hanging out anyway.
  • sktllmdrhmz
    sktllmdrhmz Posts: 1,799 Member
    She doesn't want to hang out with you.
  • jyuubi
    jyuubi Posts: 109
    You're not being harsh in any way, or even misunderstanding. She has a job, she's tired, has stuff at home, but I highly doubt that makes up her whole life. It just seems, as mean as it may sound, she doesn't want to hang out with you. That may not be true, but if she has made commitments and at the last minute cut, she just doesn't feel the need to make the time. Try hanging out with other friends, or make new friends. It always sucks, but sometimes, friends aren't forever.
  • MoveTheMountain
    MoveTheMountain Posts: 764
    Not sure how long the two of you have been friends, but life goes in cycles. Who knows what she has going on, but you can only do so much to maintain a friendship. It doesn't mean the friendship is over - there's no need to make that decision. But for now, if this friend doesn't have time, or has other things going on, just look to other parts of your life for fulfillment. Do you guys spend any time on the phone? Are you sure she's really ok? If she's ok, but just busy or caught up in other parts of her life, just give her some space, and the two of you will find each other when the timing is better.
  • krisiepoo
    krisiepoo Posts: 710 Member
    You gave her an out and she took it....

    why is she to blame for that?

    How bout sending her a message and let her know you really miss her and would like to spend some time with her... Tell her that it will be nice and non-stressful and could even include an adult beverage :) -- I rarely turn down offers like that
  • jpuderbaugh
    jpuderbaugh Posts: 318 Member
    I think at the very least she could apologize for having to do stuff and offer to plan for another day. But this NEVER happens.
    Okay, this is probably why she doesn't want to hang out with you. You're needy. Why would anyone ever apologize for life getting in the way of relaxation? She works long hours and has house stuff to do, on top of sleeping?

    You got three supportive answers from me but this one may be the most accurate: Get over yourself.
    -wtk

    I don't think you mean "apologize for having stuff to do" I'm betting you mean apologize for cancelling. No, she shouldn't have to apologize for her life and house work coming before your friendship, but the appropriate and polite thing to do would absolutely be to apologize for having to cancel.

    However, seeing how she doesn't do that, and doesn't try to make plans to get together another time, I say wait it out and let her be the one working for the friendship, let her be the one to call and try to make plans. Wait long enough and she just might miss you and do that. If not, sorry, the friendship isn't meant to be. Is it really worth all this?
  • kennethmgreen
    kennethmgreen Posts: 1,759 Member
    I'm not the type of person who wants to start a confrontation, and I really don't want to start an argument... :(
    Then you may have to find a new friend.

    Seriously, if you can't talk about it, what are you going to do? Act in such a way that your friend with intuitively guess what you are feeling, then correct her behavior according to guidelines she thinks you might want?

    And wait... when she's wrong with her guessing, she should be expected to apologize for not guessing what you want?

    TOO MANY PEOPLE ARE AFRAID TO SIMPLY AND HONESTLY ASK FOR WHAT THEY WANT. Some don't really know what they want, most are too afraid to be honest about it.

    Why are you asking if you are being harsh? Harsh for what? For posting this story on the forum? What have you said to your friend?

    Quit waiting around for an apology and be honest and direct. Just because you have a set of social courtesy rules doesn't mean the rest of the world will have the same ones (or any at all). I don't say that lightly, as I've been in your shoes and had to accept that my standards of behavior aren't necessarily shared by the rest of the world.

    I have to assume you want to be friends with this person, otherwise you'd just find a new friend. Be direct. Be honest. You might have to get out of your comfort zone. Start with some version of "This is what I want..."
  • Dauntlessness
    Dauntlessness Posts: 1,489 Member
    Say exactly what you said to us...to her.
  • Beastette
    Beastette Posts: 1,497 Member
    Find a new friend...seriously....
    If somebody says they are going to be somewhere, be there or do not commit.
    I had a friend who planned to meet me for tennis, then just never showed up.
    No call - no show!
    Once, shame on him, but twice?
    Shame on me!
    I booted that loser from my life and felt glad when later, he lost his job, because I could have connected him with friends that would have got him right back in the workforce. He knew this and called, and I totally ignored him....SWEET!:devil:
    Being a lousy friend who can't show up means he'd be a lousy employee, and there is no way I'd recommend him to anybody.

    Late for tennis=stay unemployed. That sounds fair. :indifferent:
  • mermx
    mermx Posts: 976
    I had a friend that used to do the same thing. We used to make plans to go for a night out and she would let me down at the last hour. It turned out that she suffered from anxiety/panic and eating disorders I had been friends with her for 2 years and I didn`t know.

    I only found out because I told her how upset I was with the way she kept letting me down...after that long, long chat we became the very best friends for over 12 years and sadly she moved to spain to be with her parents who had emigrated. She is now married with 2 lovely children and very happy.

    Maybe just tell her how you feel is the short version? You may find an answer?
  • azhkrgrl
    azhkrgrl Posts: 693 Member
    Of all the advise I have read on here, I think WTK has given you the most accurate and realistic advise. Like WTK said, what is the common denominator? Do some honest soul searching and ask yourself what your expectations are and also what kind of friend you are to others. If your friends are letting you down/disappointing you, perhaps you need to reconsider what friendship is and perhaps find other friends that you have similar interests. If we were to ask those friends what kind of a friend you are, what do you think their answer would be? Even with similar interests, you are not always going to be joined at the hip doing those things together when you want to do them. There are other avenues to meet people with similar interests. Sign up for Meetup and find groups that you are interested in. Find ways to do stuff and still be happy doing with/without friends. Friendship is something that you have to work on and you have to be the friend that you also demand of others. There are also different types of friends so.....
  • SoozeE512
    SoozeE512 Posts: 439 Member
    I had a friend like this a couple of years ago. We'd grown up together and had been friends for about 16 years, so I was in the mindset that we were pretty much set to be friends for life. Until...

    ...we reached life in the working world. She would say that Tuesday was the best day for her to get together and we should plan to meet up after work around 7. Then, week after week, her boyfriend (of about 5 years) had some family crisis and she just had to be there for him. She knew I wasn't connected to her boyfriend in any way to know if she was making it up or not, but after a couple of months of boyfriend's-family-crisis-Tuesdays, there was no denying that she was just making excuses.

    I let her know that she could contact me if she wanted to plan another time, and I pretty much never heard from her again. Every relationship takes two, including friendships; and unfortunately, they don't all stick.
  • galaxiegal
    galaxiegal Posts: 90
    Stop making plans with her.... when she has time let her make plans with you :smile:

    edit*

    Also, friends grow apart sometimes, especially when there are other priorities that take up your time, like work, kids, etc. She probably values her time alone at home more than her time with you, not saying that her constantly making plans and canceling is right, but she might just be trying not to hurt your feelings. Have you ever said "god take the hint already" about someone else. Sorry to say but she might be hoping you get the hint, and stop pressuring her to hang out
  • yallcallmedeb
    yallcallmedeb Posts: 294
    I'm going to throw a different twist on this out there. Is she having problems? Is there a man at home? Is she grumpy and has to get stuff done around the house because she and her man had an argument and she knows that she is lousy company right now and/or she doesn't want to upset him more by going out? Could she be suffering from depression?

    You might do better by telling her that you miss her and feel that she doesn't want to hang with you anymore or by taking a step back and letting her know that you are there for her is she needs you.
  • RedHeadDevotchka
    RedHeadDevotchka Posts: 1,394 Member
    Very rarely do people do things "on purpose" to be jerks. While that doesn't make it feel any better when they do it's a part of life. Make some new friends so that you have other options
  • Pangea250
    Pangea250 Posts: 965 Member
    Well, if you had plans to go to the lake IF SHE WAS FEELING OKAY, and now she IS NOT FEELING OKAY so doesn't want to go...then, yes, you are being harsh.

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