question for people who have been fat all their life

maggiechamp

It's funny because I feel like I've been big all my life. Even though now I look back at pictures of myself in high school and middle school and I was tiny (like a size 6). However, I always felt big because my friends were tiny size zeros. I developed very early, and also had an eating disorder as a kid. All throughout high school I thought I was fat because I weighed 145-160, and my friends weighed significantly less. Now, that I am actually overweight (over 230), and really struggling with my weight, I can't believe what I see in the mirror or that I let myself get this big. Sometimes I think it's because I always felt fat, so I actually let myself get fat. I get mad at myself when I see pictures of me in high school. I can't believe this is me, the all star soccer player... and I just don't know how to get back to where I was...

EAlexandraB

I went from a fairly lanky kid to a heavy pre-teen practically overnight. I literally do not remember when things changed, but by 11 I was about 5'4" (I'm only 5'6" now), and I know that at 13, I was buying size 14 pants. I now wear a size 12, having lost about 40lbs from my highest weight, so I am actually smaller now than I have ever been!

I don't remember every really suffering because of my weight, and was never bullied for it, but I did start my first attempts at dieting at 14.

While I'm only part of the way to my goal, I already find that my mental picture of myself is larger than my actual body. It will be interesting to see, as I go on, how my brain "shrinks" to accommodate my new smaller body (or doesn't).

BeckyLH

I got down to 147 and got LOADS of male attention, much more than I was used to, I also went back to uni to do my post-grad degree and found I was in with the 'in-crowd' that time around, it's very strange. I'm trying to get back down again now though!

manhn1

I always felt I was overweight during my entire childhood and adolescence but I recently was rifling through old family photographs and I must admit I was pretty darn adorable. I think my parents only ever took photos of me when I was experiencing a growth spurt. By tenth grade, I stopped growing (5 foot 6 inch male--ouch) in height, but grew in width. In high school, I was generally well liked and got the occasional ribbing about my size, but nothing too bad. I was scholastically successful and an all-around "nice guy." I consider my high school friends my closest friends.

First year of university, and I just blew it up. My parents got me on Jenny Craig. I was furious but also obedient--I followed the plan, lost the weight, and did not speak to my parents for two months. I got a gym membership and exercised quite vigorously. But I was still angry. When my parents would make me a (calorically rich) meal that they knew I liked, I would viciously say, "You told me to lose the weight and I did. Now, you want me to gain the weight back by eating that? No, thanks."

I lost the weight, but I still felt "fat." I never looked at myself in the mirror (and avoided it when I got out of the shower). I still wore my "fat clothes" because money was tight and even when I bought new clothes, I preferred it baggy.

At the same time, I did feel more energetic. I was going out all the time, I was studying great, and met some great people. At the same time, I was never "hot." Yeah, I lost the weight, but I was now a skinny, short kid. I liked cardio--lifting weights was excruciatingly boring to me.

I maintained all through undergrad. Then I went to law school (aka, the worst years of my life) and I virtually gained all the weight back (but not quite). When I gained the weight back, I thought I was a huge failure. Looking back now, I am amazed I maintained my weight as long as I did given how inconsistent a university student's schedule could be.

Once I graduated law school, I lost practically all the weight. A 9-5 job where once you leave the office you can actually have a life allowed me to focus on my fitness and health goals much more easily. I already had the tools to lose the weight--I now had the environment that would enable me to utilize those tools to my advantage.

Not that I haven't yo-yo'd in ensuing years. I did go up--having actual money in my wallet allowed me to enjoy life a little too much. But ever since I moved out of my parents and bought my own place, I now weigh less than I ever had and have maintained for almost 2 years.

More than the actual weight loss, I feel comfortable in my skin. I am in my 30s, and I finally believe I "look good." I am buying clothes that actually fit my frame (although you will never see me in something skin tight--or anything sleeveless). I have a good relationship with my parents now--I will allow them to feed me without getting all huffy (they will always want to make me food).

I'm now a skinny, short youngish/oldish male, but I am getting more attention now. Maybe because I'm not being comparedto musclebound twentysomethings. Now, it seems all my "skinny" friends from high school and university and my relatives are having their own weight problems. Which is another issue altogether.

I know I will never be an "intuitive" eater. I will always have to plan what and when I will eat. That loss of spontaneity is something I regret when I see, say, my "naturally skinny" sister try out all these great restaurants and meals.

I am angry at myself for making my weight the reason that I didn't do more with my life than I could've. I think society pushes this view that fat people are less deserving of success, and I internalized it.

alottamoxie

i've always been fat. as i write this, i'm sitting here looking at the last official family portrait we took- since my mother hated the way she looked in pictures. i must be 4 or 5, and i', a fat girl in a red dress. it's always been that way. right now, at 348- i'm probably the lightest i've been since i got married 8 years ago. which was the lightest i can remember being since middle school.

i got a lot of teasing. A LOT of teasing. my roommate in college (the first time, it's a long story) wrote an essay about diversity on how it was for her, a petite african american girl to live with me, the fat white girl. how she'd assumed i was lazy and smelled like bo- because that's what fat people are. i think about the guys in middle school who thought it was funny to smack my behind, because they wanted to see the jiggle. i remember being asked how many stomachs i actually had- like not just how many stomach rolls i had, but as if i was some medical anomaly like an actual cow, since i looked like a cow.

and people wonder why i've been in and out of therapy for the better part of two decades.

as i've grown older, i've gotten much more comfortable with who i am and what i look like. but honestly, i can't wait to feel better- physically and emotionally. i want to be able to go out and do things and not huff and puff about it.

that's why i'm working toward this.

Wendysworld13

bump

MtnKat

I didn't realize I was fat until I saw some old pictures of me. It kind of shocked me. I was even fat during what I thought was my "skinny" phase lol.

I also used to think I was the ugliest girl in the entire world.

Well, at least I've lost my rose colored glasses and can do something about it. And I've realized that I wasn't so ugly after all.

JuneBPrice

I was never technically "overweight," but I have always been fat. I think it's definitely something that's warped my social life--and for me, that's the hardest part. Maybe it's just because high school wasn't that long ago for me, but I still hate how everyone treated me.

robinhardysmall

Totally fat all of my life~ I come from a very southern family- fried chicken- fried steak- fried bacon- fried bananas- you name it my family can fry it!

I have always been that "other" girl- the ones no one wants to hang out with because she is too big~ so in high school- I got a job. I went to school during the day, and worked at night so I didn't have to have an excuse not to hang out with friends I didn't have.

It's changing now- but in a scary way too. I'm losing weight yes, but the scary part people want me to be friends with them. I'm a total introvert and it scares me to be "out there". One of my friends talked me into a 4 miler race- others want me to come learn how to play golf with them- it scares me. I used to be the one that could hide behind her weight and say I'm too big for that- but one of my good friends yesterday said "nobody puts baby in the corner"- and unless you have see Dirty Dancing - you wont' get it...but its was funny.

so- as I am on this journey- I'm learning that I have to adjust my personality as well as my weight- very very scary for me.

rhonniema

I've been fat since birth.
All pictures of me I was round.
I don't ever think I was at a healthy weight at any given time.

I don't know how I dealt with it then or now.
I guess since I'm so likeable it doesn't bother me?

Some days I own my size other days I cry about it.
It was really bad in JHS when I heard people talking about me behind my back.
Or from HS on, when every guy you have a crush with thinks of you as a sister because you're fat.

Feed_the_Bears

That's an amazing perspective that I never really thought about before. I was overweight going into grade 9 and lost 48 lbs in an unhealthy way. But growing up chubby I never fully adopted my new self. Since then I've put back on 30 lb (some muscle) and am now struggling all over again to take it off.

I guess my main point is, try to really identify with your new self. Really accept the new person that you are. When my mom dropped from 360 lb to 150 she said part of the reason that she gained it all back was that she never really accepted her new identity. She closed her eyes and still felt like an obese person. Being heavy for so long you do a lot of self justification "I'm just a heavy person that's the way I am, might as well be me and eat this whole pizza". Those life long self lessons can be hard to overcome and may still echo in the back of your mind. Work hard to reaffirm every day the new person that you are. You are a healthy person with a healthy lifestyle that makes healthy choices. That's who you are, embrase it!

Great job!

Feed_the_Bears

I was never technically "overweight," but I have always been fat. I think it's definitely something that's warped my social life--and for me, that's the hardest part. Maybe it's just because high school wasn't that long ago for me, but I still hate how everyone treated me.

I'm curious how one can be "fat" withouth being "overweight". I hope you're not being too hard on yourself calling yourself fat when you're not. Media can give us unrealistic expectations of what's not fat. (I'm not like that "model/actor" so anything bigger is "fat"). And if you're not overweight, please don't think of yourself as fat

jpuderbaugh

I too have been overweight for as long as I can remember. When I was really young, my cousin and I had matching bikinis, I was too young to appreciate a flat belly. I notice my weight gain in pictures from 2nd grade up. Basically all that my weight has ever done was go up. Middle school was horrible. I don't know why that seems to be a rule of life. Thinking back, I remember more bullying from myself than from anybody else. Mostly it was the simple fact that I was a "dork" and was "unpopular" as the "bullying" that I got, which was just other students avoiding me. You know the childish crap of being picked last to be on teams in class for projects, and nobody wanting to sit next to you for no apparent reason at all. I was awkward for a while in middle school and didn't know how to dress so I wore t-shirts with mismatched flannel shirts over top to hide my arm fat. Once in high school I discovered fashion bug and haven't looked back. I really don't wear t-shirts at all now. hate them frankly. I don't wear shorts anymore either.

I don't think I coped with it. I think I was completely oblivious to the fact that I could change if I wanted to, but I was so incredibly uneducated when it comes to eating right and exercising. My parents didn't know any of it to teach me, and I don't remember learning proper nutrition in school at all. Once in college I started choosing nutrition classes as electives, even if I didn't need an elective. I wanted to learn what I needed to do. I still don't feel like I know near enough to teach my own kids someday. Which is why I am still trying to grow and learn before I have any.

Feed_the_Bears

I got down to 147 and got LOADS of male attention, much more than I was used to, I also went back to uni to do my post-grad degree and found I was in with the 'in-crowd' that time around, it's very strange. I'm trying to get back down again now though!

I only have 10-20 lb to lose, and I still get hit on often enough... but sometimes I think I subconsciously sabotauge myself because I'm afraid to be more attractive. Don't think I'm being conceited; Let me explain. I have a steady bf and a past trauma makes getting hit on extremely nerve wracking and threatening to me. I know I can't let this get in the way of my goals, but I think sometimes I'm scared of getting more attention.

kzemke

you don't have to be perfect, just happy with yourself.

rm830

I've always been fat, ever since I was a small child. I was always OK with it because I didn't know anything different. Of course I wished to be skinny, wished to be able to wear the clothes my friends wore and look as good as they did, but I didn't want to change my lifestyle at all. My parents would try to make me diet, make me exercise and nope...not happening. I wasn't skinny in HS, but I was fit...very athletic. I let it all go after my jr year, started partying etc. Never had a problem with men, so I didn't feel like I needed to change. When I got married, my husband was ok with my weight...he didn't care what I weighed as long as I was happy with myself and I was. I used to say "I'm gonna die anyway, so I might as well die enjoying my life and eating whatever I want". My wake up moment was last year, when I was looking at my pictures and realized how bad I let myself get....

...Now...although I've only dropped 36 lbs, I'm wearing the smallest size I've worn since I was about 14 yrs old. I don't feel any different yet though. I still see the same body as a year ago, and although I see a difference in my pictures, I still feel like the same fat person and try to hide my fat in pictures and clothes. I don't know when I will feel like I look good, I've never been thin so I don't know when or at what weight I will think I'm thin. I don't even know what to picture when I think of reaching my goal weight. Ironically though, I feel like I used to get hit on way more 30 lbs ago than I do now. Who knows what the future holds for my self image/self esteem as I get healthier and get fit.

Treece68

I have always been fat I dealt with it by being tough (my boyfriend says I can stop that now) and funny. It wasn't really a problem because I was always active in track, marching band, guard, tae kwon do, plays, softball. Once I quit those I just kept gaining and gaining and it seemed like there was nothing I could do.
I remember in 8th grade I found the perfect pair of flair jeans they fit perfect they looked cool when I took them up the the register it was an older woman. She looked at the size and said are these for you I said "yes!" and all she could say was oh honey with a sad look.
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deller89

I have always been big, runs in my family (not that it is an excuse) and it was easy to cope with i was just like all my friends i played every sport i could as a kid, i ate what everyone else did so i really wasn't different so i never cared much until after high school, then came the college years and the only reason i am pushing hard now is my friends have hit the wedding craze so i dont want to ruin their day.

JuneBPrice

I was never technically "overweight," but I have always been fat. I think it's definitely something that's warped my social life--and for me, that's the hardest part. Maybe it's just because high school wasn't that long ago for me, but I still hate how everyone treated me.

I'm curious how one can be "fat" withouth being "overweight". I hope you're not being too hard on yourself calling yourself fat when you're not. Media can give us unrealistic expectations of what's not fat. (I'm not like that "model/actor" so anything bigger is "fat"). And if you're not overweight, please don't think of yourself as fat

I've been "fat" in the sense that boys in my school would moo at me and call me "Shamu." And so would my friends. And my family.

amykins514

I've been overweight since I was just a child, the result of being able to drink many sodas a day starting at age 4, along with a lot of fast food for dinners as a kid.

I just recently became a size 14, which is the same size I was as a freshman in high school, which is so odd to think about...

Personally, being overweight made me afraid. I have always been painfully shy and so afraid of saying anything, because I always felt like I was going to be judged, much like I was in school when I would get spit on, called gross, and yelled at about how my entire family is fat. So as an adult, it really held me back. People thought I was weird because I had no social skills and couldn't carry on a conversation to save my life.

As I've been losing weight, I've been coming out of my shell, and I've gained a lot more confidence. I actually speak to people at work now! I have friends because I know how to converse! It's like a whole new world for me. I don't shy away from pictures or mirrors anymore. (It's so sad -- my husband and I have been together for 10 years, and we have maybe 20 pictures taken of us prior to about a year ago. I hated cameras because I hated how I looked, so we really do not have a lot of pictures of us because of that.) I really feel like a new person, and I'm still learning how to adjust. And this is still with a ways to go till I hit my goal -- I can't even imagine who I'll be at that point! My co-worker and I were talking about that the other day, actually. He said, "When you hit your goal, you're gonna walk around like you own this damn place!" lol

I'm much happier now than I think I've ever been. Losing weight has been so transformative, in MANY ways, not just physically. I'm happier about the non-physical changes then I am the physical...

That being said though...Fitting in those size 14 pants was still pretty damn awesome!!