Tactless Boyfriend!

StarvingDiva

any man who comments on what a woman eats or her weight in a negative way...its a deal-breaker!

That's such garbage!

My wife gradually put on 15 lbs. She hated it! How she wishes I had said 6 months ago "Hey you're eating too much junk food at the moment, it's not good for you"

She has made me PROMISE to tell her if she lapses back into bad habits - I've made her do the same

I agree that if the poster here was scarfing down cheetos you might want to say "hey lets go for a walk" but she's eating yogurt and berries and planning for a 3 hour workout (which seems extreme to me) and the boyfriend is commenting negatively in a manner that implies she's not working hard to lose or maintain her weight.

marie_cressman

From an older happily married man, There's been "some" truth in many of the responses you got so far. There are some confusing things you've said though. You initially describe him as a "super sweet" guy, but the comments he makes are not those of a super sweet guy. You describe the relationship as pretty serious and 3 sentences later you're talking about breaking up at the end of summer? How serious can it be if you're breaking up? I realize you're going to different colleges but serious relationships can survive those types of stresses. Mine did. Several of the responders said men are tactless and often say stupid things. I would agree with that statement. If he doesn't know about your ED and you don't want to tell him, that's fine, but if it's affecting your old ED triggers, he can't change his own behavior if he doesn't know what he's not supposed to say. Of course, many of the women would argue, and probably rightfully so, that any guy who is making stupid comments like this, isn't worth keeping around anyway. Are you truly in love? If not, move on, if you are and want to hold onto the relationship, a deeper level of honesty is going to be necessary at some point. It kind of depends on what YOU want. Just my 2 cents

This man makes a lot of good points. People make long distance relationships work all the time. I have a good friend whose husband travels for work. They have 5 children and he comes to visit when he can (usually every couple of months) and she stays home and holds down the fort. They are very much in love and have an awesome relationship. I am a military spouse. Of my 4 year marriage, 2 of those years my husband has spent in a war zone. He even missed our 1yr wedding anniversary since he deployed 2 weeks after we got married (and we were only together for 5 months before we got married). Next year in March we make 5 years and he will be leaving for Korea before we make our 5year anniversary.

I think it's important to let him know what's going on and how it is affecting you even if you are breaking up and if you consider him someone you trust and you want in your life. Like I said before, he won't know unless you tell him. I hope you find the help you need. I have never personally dealt with an ED so I don't even know if my advice is valid, but I wish you the best.:flowerforyou:

bcampbell54

Grow up. He's trying to talk to you about something he can see you are passionate about. A little awkwardly perhaps, but since you're not giving him much to go on, give him a break.
And three hours at the gym?
He probably is trying to figure out when he might get a chance to see you again.

MaraDiaz

One day of being a tactless jerk maybe you can let slide. If he keeps doing it, I'd start to wonder if maybe he's a passive aggressive, controlling, psychotic jerk.

NikkiTompson

This is more a rant than anything else, but I'm not sure what to do about my boyfriend! He's a super sweet guy and really does love me, but he makes the stupidest comments...

I'm trying to get healthier after years of going backwards and forwards, recovering from an ED and with periods of extreme restriction and over-exercising...I'm coming out of a bad period now and making an effort to eat more and loosen up on the exercise, but I think my boyfriend has just gotten used to that being "just how I am".

Today my lunch was blueberries with greek yogurt, and I was tipping the yogurt into the bowl and he said "wow, you're gonna have the whole thing?" (this is a 0.8 cup serving of yogurt - I used to only allow myself half of that for a meal). I just looked at him and didn't respond, but it kinda shook me up! Then, when I was finishing the bowl, I was scraping it out and he says "oh, you really need every last bit of that don't you?"...I sarcastically responded "oh yes, aren't i just a greedy pig" which made him look awkward...THEN to make matters worse, less than 5 minutes later he asked me what I would be doing at the gym later and I responded "step, zumba, pilates" (each an hour-long class!) and he immediately replied "oh, not swimming today then?". I said "nah, I think I'll be ok with 3 hours today, 4 is a bit of a killer" and he just looked at me, almost like he was disappointed and said "4 isn't that bad. you used to do it all the time, and more!".

He's made comments like this before over the last few weeks, but today was the worst, and I really don't know how to respond! I'm sure he doesn't mean anything by it, and it's just innocent comments on the changes I'm making, but it's making me wonder if he's judging me or worried I'm going to get out of shape (by eating an extra 0.4 cup of yogurt and working out 3 hours a day instead of 4+?!)

...Advice? I would have no idea how to approach the subject if I were to try to talk to him about it, as he knows nothing of my ED past.

Hiya,

It sounds like to me.. that he doesnt really undestand the ED and what you went through. I agree that he does sound a bit insensitive, but you obviously know him way better than we all do.. so maybe having him go and talk to a specialist, or a doctor with you so that they can explain to him the sensistive issues around EDs he might have a better understanding.. he might also be making the jokes or remarkes becuase he doesnt know how to react.. and thinks that by making funny comments its helpfull and a way for him to deal with it, but once he knows and its expalined to him, he might change how he approaches you and what he says...

steph124ny

I think he is frustrated with your still ongoing eating disorder (and having a yogurt for lunch and then rationalizing 3 hours of exercise as being your "hard day" shows me you are still right there in it) and is using sarcasm to voice his frustration.

It is something I would have said to my husband when he was addicted to Pepsi and drank a 12 pack a day. I had told him forever he needed to cut down. So he would drink 10 or 11 instead of 12. I would say, "Oh....only 11 sodas today?" because I was UPSET!

I think he wants you to get some real help with a problem that could potentially kill you and is probably quite frustrated in watching you abuse yourself but call it recovery.

I'm sorry if this sounds very harsh. I don't intend it to be. I'm actually very worried about you!!!!

loumaag

From an older happily married man, There's been "some" truth in many of the responses you got so far. There are some confusing things you've said though. You initially describe him as a "super sweet" guy, but the comments he makes are not those of a super sweet guy. You describe the relationship as pretty serious and 3 sentences later you're talking about breaking up at the end of summer? How serious can it be if you're breaking up? I realize you're going to different colleges but serious relationships can survive those types of stresses. Mine did. Several of the responders said men are tactless and often say stupid things. I would agree with that statement. If he doesn't know about your ED and you don't want to tell him, that's fine, but if it's affecting your old ED triggers, he can't change his own behavior if he doesn't know what he's not supposed to say. Of course, many of the women would argue, and probably rightfully so, that any guy who is making stupid comments like this, isn't worth keeping around anyway. Are you truly in love? If not, move on, if you are and want to hold onto the relationship, a deeper level of honesty is going to be necessary at some point. It kind of depends on what YOU want. Just my 2 cents

This man makes a lot of good points. People make long distance relationships work all the time. I have a good friend whose husband travels for work. They have 5 children and he comes to visit when he can (usually every couple of months) and she stays home and holds down the fort. They are very much in love and have an awesome relationship. I am a military spouse. Of my 4 year marriage, 2 of those years my husband has spent in a war zone. He even missed our 1yr wedding anniversary since he deployed 2 weeks after we got married (and we were only together for 5 months before we got married). Next year in March we make 5 years and he will be leaving for Korea before we make our 5year anniversary.

I think it's important to let him know what's going on and how it is affecting you even if you are breaking up and if you consider him someone you trust and you want in your life. Like I said before, he won't know unless you tell him. I hope you find the help you need. I have never personally dealt with an ED so I don't even know if my advice is valid, but I wish you the best.:flowerforyou:

I have to agree here, with both of the above. You're 18, you are still seeking your way out of childhood, unless you say what you feel, you and he will not grow in understanding.

BTW Marie, great job on the 121 lbs! I saw that and creeped your profile a little, what a difference! Hopefully I can do the same.

marie_cressman

From an older happily married man, There's been "some" truth in many of the responses you got so far. There are some confusing things you've said though. You initially describe him as a "super sweet" guy, but the comments he makes are not those of a super sweet guy. You describe the relationship as pretty serious and 3 sentences later you're talking about breaking up at the end of summer? How serious can it be if you're breaking up? I realize you're going to different colleges but serious relationships can survive those types of stresses. Mine did. Several of the responders said men are tactless and often say stupid things. I would agree with that statement. If he doesn't know about your ED and you don't want to tell him, that's fine, but if it's affecting your old ED triggers, he can't change his own behavior if he doesn't know what he's not supposed to say. Of course, many of the women would argue, and probably rightfully so, that any guy who is making stupid comments like this, isn't worth keeping around anyway. Are you truly in love? If not, move on, if you are and want to hold onto the relationship, a deeper level of honesty is going to be necessary at some point. It kind of depends on what YOU want. Just my 2 cents

This man makes a lot of good points. People make long distance relationships work all the time. I have a good friend whose husband travels for work. They have 5 children and he comes to visit when he can (usually every couple of months) and she stays home and holds down the fort. They are very much in love and have an awesome relationship. I am a military spouse. Of my 4 year marriage, 2 of those years my husband has spent in a war zone. He even missed our 1yr wedding anniversary since he deployed 2 weeks after we got married (and we were only together for 5 months before we got married). Next year in March we make 5 years and he will be leaving for Korea before we make our 5year anniversary.

I think it's important to let him know what's going on and how it is affecting you even if you are breaking up and if you consider him someone you trust and you want in your life. Like I said before, he won't know unless you tell him. I hope you find the help you need. I have never personally dealt with an ED so I don't even know if my advice is valid, but I wish you the best.:flowerforyou:

I have to agree here, with both of the above. You're 18, you are still seeking your way out of childhood, unless you say what you feel, you and he will not grow in understanding.

BTW Marie, great job on the 121 lbs! I saw that and creeped your profile a little, what a difference! Hopefully I can do the same.

thank you very much! you absolutely can do it! always believe that! i still have a little bit to go, but i'm happy with the progress i've made so far. it's been a long (sometimes extremely difficult) road, but it's totally been worth all the time and effort.

tlblood

Do you see a counselor/therapist for your ED recovery? If so, it might be good to take him along so he can hear from a third person what kind of support you need; what kinds of comments, though perhaps intended to be, aren't supportive.

Sharyn913

3 Hours of back to back exercising after eating just a yogurt with blueberries? It sounds like you still do have an ED. You should also sit down and talk with him. Explain your past and try to get him to understand. If you are not comfortable sharing your past, and you can't open up to him, maybe he is not the right guy for you.

1RBelle512

His behavior is harmful. He is not innocent. You need to take care of yourself. It sounds like you're not out of the woods yet. See a therapist if you're not already doing so. Take him along with you so he can find out how he can help you instead of hurting. If he won't go, break up with him.

Best of luck.

ceciliaiv

DTMFA

JamesonsMommy

TALK TO HIM!! Let him know that this bothers you and i'm sure he will knock it off... If not then knock him out!! 4 hours at the gym?!?! You are my hero!! Keep it up

dansls1

No offense, but if you have not opened up to him about your ED past, you are as much of a douche for expecting him to be sensitive about something he doesn't know about - doesn't sound like a solid relationship either way IMHO.

patchesgizmo

Just ask him!
I've said plenty of stupid tactless things like that, mostly just trying to be funny! He may well have a genuine issue with something but you need to ask him what his problem is.

I would take this advice. If you have been together a while and he does not know you have ED then you need to clue him on, otherwise how in the world can he be supportive?

mturgeon05

Grow up. He's trying to talk to you about something he can see you are passionate about. A little awkwardly perhaps, but since you're not giving him much to go on, give him a break.
And three hours at the gym?
He probably is trying to figure out when he might get a chance to see you again.

He wasn't asking her to go to less classes, he was questioning why she wasn't doing 4 hours that day. Doesn't seem like someone who is trying to figure out when he might get a chance to see her again.

And commenting rudely on the fact that she dared to eat the last bit of yogurt and blueberries is not talking to her about something she is passionate about. If anyone needs to grow up it is him.

MissTattoo

3 hours at the gym with only blueberries and yogurt?

Also, he sounds like a child. He's going to give you a hard time about eating a serving of yogurt and not spending 4 hours at the gym? eff that! Lose the child, focus on yourself, and then later find a real man who won't make stupid comments like that. It's not just a guy thing. I've never been with a MAN who said those kinds of things. I've been with plenty of BOYS who have though.

JenAiMarres

The struggle is coming from within. I have a similar situation. And honestly anything the hubs says about my weight is wrong. I get super defensive. Like he will say "i love when you eat" and i feeel like he is saying "you are fat"....but hes not. I also feel like my workouts aren't good enough...but again that's jut ME "thinking" my workouts aren't good enough. You have lots and lots and lots of emotional baggage due to the ED. It's hard. Hugs.

emisu2

I know exactly what you mean about the boyfriend comments... However mine usually says these things because he doesn't understand why I can't just "eat everything in moderation." He questions be because I go from exercising 5 days a week to not exercising at all. I go from not eating lunch to eating ice cream for lunch (no sugar added coconut, of course). Men just don't understand us and are just pigheaded about it sometimes. Maybe he is just worried about you or surprised that you are not sticking to your normal routine. Guys don't like change, or at least not my guy. Don't worry about how he feels about your body. Do what feels right for you. He tells me from time to time that I'm too skinny. I had a guy tell me once he liked girls "ED-thin." Don't let guys get into your head. You have to do this for yourself.

rml_16

Your boyfriend knows you suffer from an ED, are trying to recover and he says things like that to you??

He's either a complete idiot and a mental health professional needs to explain to him why he shouldn't say those things or you need to seriously rethink this relationship. It sounds like he has the potential to send you into a relapse.

Sorry. I missed that he doesn't know. But even so, most men have the brains to know not to say things like that to a woman.

I agree that you need to tell him.

Sugarhoneyicedtea

I agree that pointing out someone's BAD eating habits might be helpful. Guy or girl, NO ONE should say things like that. There's a difference between pointing out something, and being downright rude and unhelpful.

4thehardman

Grow up. He's trying to talk to you about something he can see you are passionate about. A little awkwardly perhaps, but since you're not giving him much to go on, give him a break.
And three hours at the gym?
He probably is trying to figure out when he might get a chance to see you again.

This.
I think he is trying to show an interest and be supportive. Ok so he is rubbish at it but it seems like he is genuinely interested. He remembered that you often swim........my husband wouldn't remember if twice a week it was my job to paint the sky blue!!!

Don't give up on him, talk to him. Tell him that you hope you misunderstood what he was implying and that as much as you appreciate his interest there are other ways he can encourage you but that you are glad he is looking out for you.

Guys and girls are different from eachother. They (thankfully) seem to mostly run on boobs, football and beer (yes sweeping generalisation I know) where we are much more complicated and even if you drew him a map, posted photos and gave him the magic password he still wouldn't find his way to saying the right thing.

I might also add that you can't really be angry with him if he does not know your ED past. It's not really fair. You are reacting to his comments as a whole person with past and present issues. If he knows only your recent past then how can he calculate how to respond to your dramatic exerising and calorie intake. He only has half the info.

prism3

Woo..I feel your pain (and anger.) What he is doing is called "patronizing." I had to look it up because my boyfriend does this alot to me. It's a passive aggressive form of emotional abuse if he does it all the time. In other words, he may not curse or yell at you - but he makes these veiled sarcastic comments which are degrading, can ruin your self esteem, and make you feel mentally helpless to respond back with any comment that is positive.

I remember asking my boyfriend what he wanted, and his response was for me to be "healthy." I then proceeded to ask him is it really because of my health or was it because he was in love with an idea of me be skinny rather then a love for me as a person. The reason why you're not just nodding your head in agreement with the yogurt incident is because your intuition (always listen to it, it protects you) is saying that even though he seems to mean "well" something doesn't feel right.

My 2nd question to him was what did he want to change about me? He kept saying my health. (You can exchange the word health for weight) He just didn't want to be rude. I called him shallow, and said again," ARE YOU SURE THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT FOR ME TO CHANGE?" He then paused and thought about it, his eyes widened then he responded, " I want you to change nothing."

His final answer was the right one. It is NOT UP TO HIM WHAT I NEED TO CHANGE. IT is YOUR BODY. Your CHOICE.
It wasn't so much that I couldn't lose the weight, although he wasn't helping my motivation if he kept picking apart the foods I ate or the exercises I did. You don't need his validation to make yourself whole and healthy. I know we have some forms of dependency on the people we love one way or another, but my point is that if there is something he does not like about you - then that is a form of communication that is negative and you should at least defend yourself. I know I did. Talk to him about it, stand your ground. Do whatever you want to your body, you should be PROUD of yourself that you're even exercising and eating decently, most people rarely find the time or the motivation to do that.

and BTW, he was cheating on me behind my back - sending texts to his ex girlfriend and planning on meeting her. That was a wake up call for me to surround myself with positive people and lose weight and be "healthy" for myself. Not to look good for him. I forgave him, because unconditional love is unconditional. But I don't forget.

OMG your post got me going on my own rant because I remember with my old roomates (2 guys) they never picked apart anything I did and because of that I was so EXTREMELY HEALTHY and skinny. It's when you are genuinely happy and loved that the weight will come off naturally because you will be naturally motivated to change for yourself.

AnitaVolpato

Get a new man! There are pleeenty!! of them out there that will consider your feeling's and don't always insert foot in mouth! Next!

It can be as simple as that... I used to do it before I was married... A lot of them don't have manner's these day's especially the younger ones... The one you have obviously is a ****! They aren't that great and you don't have to put up with any **** from them.. sorry if I am harsh.. I put men in check quick! My husband would never, ever in a million years say anything to insult me.. ever!

mtaylor33557

I don't know why everyone is giving him a free pass just because he's "a guy" and "guys say stupid things".

The part where he said something about her needing "all of it" as she finished her yogurt. That's just snarky and rude. It doesn't matter who you're talking to, or what their eating.. why would you need to make a comment like that? It sounded a lot like he was shaming you for eating the whole bowl.

Now, some girls love them a rude guy. I don't get it. But I even have friends who have the snarkiest, rudest husbands, and I just think "how do you do it?" But they just laugh off the comments.. and that works for them.

Does he always make jerk comments? Do you usually think they are funny? If so, he might just be trying to make you laugh and accidentally hit a nerve.

However, if this is something new and different.. maybe you should mention to him, just in passing.. "Hey, I don't like comments about what I eat, or how long I work out.. I'd rather you just support me" You could say it sweetly with a hug, and hopefully it will stop.

If it doesn't.. he's a jerk, and you'd be better off without him.

DelilahCat0212

Grow up. He's trying to talk to you about something he can see you are passionate about. A little awkwardly perhaps, but since you're not giving him much to go on, give him a break.
And three hours at the gym?
He probably is trying to figure out when he might get a chance to see you again.

Did you not read? He was criticizing her for not doing 4 hours!!!!!

Some of these responses here are making me sick.

AnitaVolpato

Grow up. He's trying to talk to you about something he can see you are passionate about. A little awkwardly perhaps, but since you're not giving him much to go on, give him a break.
And three hours at the gym?
He probably is trying to figure out when he might get a chance to see you again.

Did you not read? He was criticizing her for not doing 4 hours!!!!!

Some of these responses here are making me sick.

I know right? I feel like I am on a battered women's syndrome site or something...

prism3

lol.. Totally agree!, WTF..People who condone this type of behavior seriously need more empathy.

Helenatrandom

I suspect he was kidding when he said made the yogurt comment. Tell him how it made you feel. Watch the confused look on his face. As for the exercising, while I agree that four hours is extreme, he probably is confused because he sees it as something you like to do and consider fun that you aren't going to do and wonders why. Tell him about your ED so that he at least is warned to not joke about food and that your devotion to exercise had gone beyond fun.

And if I am wrong, end the relationship BEFORE September. You need to focus on your own health, not what he is thinking.

LelliAmi

Exaggeration much? He obviously loves you. He just wants you to push so you can be the best you that you're capable of being. It also seems that you're taking what he says too personally. He most likely didn't mean anything by it, especially the yogurt thing. If anything, he was probably being sarcastic. Guys do that stuff all the time. It's just not really in their heads to be sensitive to everything. And they aren't mind readers so they can't always tell when you're gonna take something the wrong way. If it happens again just ask him "What do you mean by that?". Clears things up instantly!