Tactless Boyfriend!
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From an older happily married man, ... Are you truly in love? If not, move on, if you are and want to hold onto the relationship, a deeper level of honesty is going to be necessary at some point. It kind of depends on what YOU want. Just my 2 cents
Agree!
There is a lot of complaining about how insensitive and clueless your BF is. If he doesn't know abou the ED, how is he supposed to be sensitive and clued in?
I can see how some of the posters here think he was being judgemental, but if your BF is such a sweet guy, I'm inclined to believe he was making comments as a way of noticing the change in your eating habits, and as far as you not swimming that particular night, if you do that much at the gym on a regular basis, he probably can't keep track of what classes you take on what days and was attempting to plan his night so he knew when you'd be back. That's something I do with my wife on a daily basis (when I'm not deployed, that is).
My wife and I are both gym rats and in a bit of competition with each other to get our body fat % as low as we can (in a healthy way, and taking into account male/female proportions).
We have a great relationship, but if I told you some of the things she said to me or I said to her, most of the posters here would try to find me in Afghanistan to string me up for bein a judgemental douche bag.0 -
3 hours in the gym is too long.
You could get the same results or better with something higher intensity which would be done in an hour at most.0 -
at 18 i honestly dont agree she knows what true love is and if she uses this bf as a guide line on what a true love looks like then wellll um gooodddddddddd luck0
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3 hours in the gym is too long.
You could get the same results or better with something higher intensity which would be done in an hour at most.
Yeah, that's been said to me before, the only thing is that I really do love my zumba class, and while I know if I were spending that hour going hardcore on an exercise bike or treadmill I'd burn a lot more, I think the fun of zumba class is worth the slower burn, and worth having to put another hour in after to get my burn up...is this a healthy way of seeing it? Or would you say even just doing one zumba class (I have no idea of exact numbers but I've seen stuff saying around 380-420 cals for my weight (120ish lbs)) per day is enough of a burn? Because I'm used to making sure I'm on at least 600+, up to 1100 on a tough day0 -
I have no more insight to add to the situation that hasn't been given, but oh my gosh I cannot image someone saying that to me early in my recovery. Props to you for being sassy back, I think I would have cried.0
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I disagree. I don't think he means for it to come out quite like it is. Perhaps he is being a little insensitive since you have had an ED in the past, but that's a guy for you.It's silly to spend to much time picking apart little comments.
Don't fret. Just keep doing what you're doing. You're beautiful. As long as he makes you feel that way, then don't let any doubts creep in and steal that from you.
That's a guy for you? Really? So it's all excused because he's tactless and inappropriate, but he's a guy so it's fine. I don't know, I don't think she's picking apart anything. Why should ANYONE be commenting on what she's eating, let alone some freaking yogurt, it's not as if she sat down with half of a large pizza. Sounds to me like he needs to be told about the ED and that his comments are not helpful and actually hinder her ability. His comments come across as though overexercising and eating barely anything, is just the way he likes her. If so, that's not going to be good for her recovering from ED to keep hearing that.0 -
Sorry...but he sounds like a d##k! he doesnt love you if he's making stupid comments like that after you've had an ED. Im lucky to pull an hour of exercise a day and Im exhausted. In my opinion, you are doing way too much exercise in one day, especially if its one class after the other. maybe do morning ones, then evening ones. Stay strong and dont let him break you.
Just saw he doesnt know about your past. Maybe something you should tell him. Might shut him up.
THIS!0 -
i don't see the big deal. guys are insensitive. maybe he isn't used to your new lifestyle yet and isn't sure how to act. maybe its self defense. who knows.
if it was a real problem, you'd have dumped him by now.
make sure he knows how you feel about it and listen to why he says those things
tell him how you feel, and any other info about it that bothers you.. if he does'nt stop after he knows how you feel, then the solution is clear.0 -
^^^^^^^^I disagree. I don't think he means for it to come out quite like it is. Perhaps he is being a little insensitive since you have had an ED in the past, but that's a guy for you.It's silly to spend to much time picking apart little comments.
Don't fret. Just keep doing what you're doing. You're beautiful. As long as he makes you feel that way, then don't let any doubts creep in and steal that from you.
THIS
Don't be so thin skinned.
Buck Up!0 -
THEN to make matters worse, less than 5 minutes later he asked me what I would be doing at the gym later and I responded "step, zumba, pilates" (each an hour-long class!) and he immediately replied "oh, not swimming today then?".
Three hour-long back to back classes in one day?:frown:
That part jumped at me more than anything else you wrote in your rant.
Agreed, that's a little too much.0 -
any man who comments on what a woman eats or her weight in a negative way...its a deal-breaker!
That's such garbage!
My wife gradually put on 15 lbs. She hated it! How she wishes I had said 6 months ago "Hey you're eating too much junk food at the moment, it's not good for you"
She has made me PROMISE to tell her if she lapses back into bad habits - I've made her do the same
I agree that if the poster here was scarfing down cheetos you might want to say "hey lets go for a walk" but she's eating yogurt and berries and planning for a 3 hour workout (which seems extreme to me) and the boyfriend is commenting negatively in a manner that implies she's not working hard to lose or maintain her weight.0 -
From an older happily married man, There's been "some" truth in many of the responses you got so far. There are some confusing things you've said though. You initially describe him as a "super sweet" guy, but the comments he makes are not those of a super sweet guy. You describe the relationship as pretty serious and 3 sentences later you're talking about breaking up at the end of summer? How serious can it be if you're breaking up? I realize you're going to different colleges but serious relationships can survive those types of stresses. Mine did. Several of the responders said men are tactless and often say stupid things. I would agree with that statement. If he doesn't know about your ED and you don't want to tell him, that's fine, but if it's affecting your old ED triggers, he can't change his own behavior if he doesn't know what he's not supposed to say. Of course, many of the women would argue, and probably rightfully so, that any guy who is making stupid comments like this, isn't worth keeping around anyway. Are you truly in love? If not, move on, if you are and want to hold onto the relationship, a deeper level of honesty is going to be necessary at some point. It kind of depends on what YOU want. Just my 2 cents
This man makes a lot of good points. People make long distance relationships work all the time. I have a good friend whose husband travels for work. They have 5 children and he comes to visit when he can (usually every couple of months) and she stays home and holds down the fort. They are very much in love and have an awesome relationship. I am a military spouse. Of my 4 year marriage, 2 of those years my husband has spent in a war zone. He even missed our 1yr wedding anniversary since he deployed 2 weeks after we got married (and we were only together for 5 months before we got married). Next year in March we make 5 years and he will be leaving for Korea before we make our 5year anniversary.
I think it's important to let him know what's going on and how it is affecting you even if you are breaking up and if you consider him someone you trust and you want in your life. Like I said before, he won't know unless you tell him. I hope you find the help you need. I have never personally dealt with an ED so I don't even know if my advice is valid, but I wish you the best.:flowerforyou:0 -
Grow up. He's trying to talk to you about something he can see you are passionate about. A little awkwardly perhaps, but since you're not giving him much to go on, give him a break.
And three hours at the gym?
He probably is trying to figure out when he might get a chance to see you again.0 -
One day of being a tactless jerk maybe you can let slide. If he keeps doing it, I'd start to wonder if maybe he's a passive aggressive, controlling, psychotic jerk.0
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This is more a rant than anything else, but I'm not sure what to do about my boyfriend! He's a super sweet guy and really does love me, but he makes the stupidest comments...
I'm trying to get healthier after years of going backwards and forwards, recovering from an ED and with periods of extreme restriction and over-exercising...I'm coming out of a bad period now and making an effort to eat more and loosen up on the exercise, but I think my boyfriend has just gotten used to that being "just how I am".
Today my lunch was blueberries with greek yogurt, and I was tipping the yogurt into the bowl and he said "wow, you're gonna have the whole thing?" (this is a 0.8 cup serving of yogurt - I used to only allow myself half of that for a meal). I just looked at him and didn't respond, but it kinda shook me up! Then, when I was finishing the bowl, I was scraping it out and he says "oh, you really need every last bit of that don't you?"...I sarcastically responded "oh yes, aren't i just a greedy pig" which made him look awkward...THEN to make matters worse, less than 5 minutes later he asked me what I would be doing at the gym later and I responded "step, zumba, pilates" (each an hour-long class!) and he immediately replied "oh, not swimming today then?". I said "nah, I think I'll be ok with 3 hours today, 4 is a bit of a killer" and he just looked at me, almost like he was disappointed and said "4 isn't that bad. you used to do it all the time, and more!".
He's made comments like this before over the last few weeks, but today was the worst, and I really don't know how to respond! I'm sure he doesn't mean anything by it, and it's just innocent comments on the changes I'm making, but it's making me wonder if he's judging me or worried I'm going to get out of shape (by eating an extra 0.4 cup of yogurt and working out 3 hours a day instead of 4+?!)
...Advice? I would have no idea how to approach the subject if I were to try to talk to him about it, as he knows nothing of my ED past.
Hiya,
It sounds like to me.. that he doesnt really undestand the ED and what you went through. I agree that he does sound a bit insensitive, but you obviously know him way better than we all do.. so maybe having him go and talk to a specialist, or a doctor with you so that they can explain to him the sensistive issues around EDs he might have a better understanding.. he might also be making the jokes or remarkes becuase he doesnt know how to react.. and thinks that by making funny comments its helpfull and a way for him to deal with it, but once he knows and its expalined to him, he might change how he approaches you and what he says...0 -
I think he is frustrated with your still ongoing eating disorder (and having a yogurt for lunch and then rationalizing 3 hours of exercise as being your "hard day" shows me you are still right there in it) and is using sarcasm to voice his frustration.
It is something I would have said to my husband when he was addicted to Pepsi and drank a 12 pack a day. I had told him forever he needed to cut down. So he would drink 10 or 11 instead of 12. I would say, "Oh....only 11 sodas today?" because I was UPSET!
I think he wants you to get some real help with a problem that could potentially kill you and is probably quite frustrated in watching you abuse yourself but call it recovery.
I'm sorry if this sounds very harsh. I don't intend it to be. I'm actually very worried about you!!!!0 -
I have to agree here, with both of the above. You're 18, you are still seeking your way out of childhood, unless you say what you feel, you and he will not grow in understanding.
From an older happily married man, There's been "some" truth in many of the responses you got so far. There are some confusing things you've said though. You initially describe him as a "super sweet" guy, but the comments he makes are not those of a super sweet guy. You describe the relationship as pretty serious and 3 sentences later you're talking about breaking up at the end of summer? How serious can it be if you're breaking up? I realize you're going to different colleges but serious relationships can survive those types of stresses. Mine did. Several of the responders said men are tactless and often say stupid things. I would agree with that statement. If he doesn't know about your ED and you don't want to tell him, that's fine, but if it's affecting your old ED triggers, he can't change his own behavior if he doesn't know what he's not supposed to say. Of course, many of the women would argue, and probably rightfully so, that any guy who is making stupid comments like this, isn't worth keeping around anyway. Are you truly in love? If not, move on, if you are and want to hold onto the relationship, a deeper level of honesty is going to be necessary at some point. It kind of depends on what YOU want. Just my 2 cents
This man makes a lot of good points. People make long distance relationships work all the time. I have a good friend whose husband travels for work. They have 5 children and he comes to visit when he can (usually every couple of months) and she stays home and holds down the fort. They are very much in love and have an awesome relationship. I am a military spouse. Of my 4 year marriage, 2 of those years my husband has spent in a war zone. He even missed our 1yr wedding anniversary since he deployed 2 weeks after we got married (and we were only together for 5 months before we got married). Next year in March we make 5 years and he will be leaving for Korea before we make our 5year anniversary.
I think it's important to let him know what's going on and how it is affecting you even if you are breaking up and if you consider him someone you trust and you want in your life. Like I said before, he won't know unless you tell him. I hope you find the help you need. I have never personally dealt with an ED so I don't even know if my advice is valid, but I wish you the best.:flowerforyou:
BTW Marie, great job on the 121 lbs! I saw that and creeped your profile a little, what a difference! Hopefully I can do the same.0 -
I have to agree here, with both of the above. You're 18, you are still seeking your way out of childhood, unless you say what you feel, you and he will not grow in understanding.
From an older happily married man, There's been "some" truth in many of the responses you got so far. There are some confusing things you've said though. You initially describe him as a "super sweet" guy, but the comments he makes are not those of a super sweet guy. You describe the relationship as pretty serious and 3 sentences later you're talking about breaking up at the end of summer? How serious can it be if you're breaking up? I realize you're going to different colleges but serious relationships can survive those types of stresses. Mine did. Several of the responders said men are tactless and often say stupid things. I would agree with that statement. If he doesn't know about your ED and you don't want to tell him, that's fine, but if it's affecting your old ED triggers, he can't change his own behavior if he doesn't know what he's not supposed to say. Of course, many of the women would argue, and probably rightfully so, that any guy who is making stupid comments like this, isn't worth keeping around anyway. Are you truly in love? If not, move on, if you are and want to hold onto the relationship, a deeper level of honesty is going to be necessary at some point. It kind of depends on what YOU want. Just my 2 cents
This man makes a lot of good points. People make long distance relationships work all the time. I have a good friend whose husband travels for work. They have 5 children and he comes to visit when he can (usually every couple of months) and she stays home and holds down the fort. They are very much in love and have an awesome relationship. I am a military spouse. Of my 4 year marriage, 2 of those years my husband has spent in a war zone. He even missed our 1yr wedding anniversary since he deployed 2 weeks after we got married (and we were only together for 5 months before we got married). Next year in March we make 5 years and he will be leaving for Korea before we make our 5year anniversary.
I think it's important to let him know what's going on and how it is affecting you even if you are breaking up and if you consider him someone you trust and you want in your life. Like I said before, he won't know unless you tell him. I hope you find the help you need. I have never personally dealt with an ED so I don't even know if my advice is valid, but I wish you the best.:flowerforyou:
BTW Marie, great job on the 121 lbs! I saw that and creeped your profile a little, what a difference! Hopefully I can do the same.
thank you very much! you absolutely can do it! always believe that! i still have a little bit to go, but i'm happy with the progress i've made so far. it's been a long (sometimes extremely difficult) road, but it's totally been worth all the time and effort.0 -
Do you see a counselor/therapist for your ED recovery? If so, it might be good to take him along so he can hear from a third person what kind of support you need; what kinds of comments, though perhaps intended to be, aren't supportive.0
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3 Hours of back to back exercising after eating just a yogurt with blueberries? It sounds like you still do have an ED. You should also sit down and talk with him. Explain your past and try to get him to understand. If you are not comfortable sharing your past, and you can't open up to him, maybe he is not the right guy for you.0
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