Tactless Boyfriend!

mrsslimkatie

Grow up. He's trying to talk to you about something he can see you are passionate about. A little awkwardly perhaps, but since you're not giving him much to go on, give him a break.
And three hours at the gym?
He probably is trying to figure out when he might get a chance to see you again.

Did you not read? He was criticizing her for not doing 4 hours!!!!!

Some of these responses here are making me sick.

I know right? I feel like I am on a battered women's syndrome site or something...

Im feeling a little ill myself! This girl is looking for support and people are actually telling her to "buck up" "dont be so thin skinned" "Grow Up" and making all sorts of excuses for someone to emotionally abuse her. I think thats F@#$ING CRAZY!!!!! Its clear we have some serious issues psychologically thrughout this thread. Its like the wounded trying to heal the injured and I dont think its healthy, helpful or responsible. I would advise you to surround yourself with people that love and support you and talk with a professional that is trained in eating disorders and self esteem issues. You have the power within you to be as happy, strong and healthy as you want to be. Sometimes we all need a little guidance in tapping that inner power. I think in this case it is probably healthier to get your guidance from someone you trust and or someone that is qualified. Good luck my Dear and be well.

hooperkay

Yep sounds reallly sweet . Would rethink whole boyfriend thing. People can change diet, appearance, some habits (smoking, drinking, etc) but rarely do they change their personality. If it is an impulse reaction then it will NEVER change. If it bothers you now 20 years from now it will make you wanna choke him. Life is too short to be angry all the time.

zombiefarmboy

It sounds like he's a freaking sociopath! Dump the chump!

nsmith6325

Change is difficult for those around us. It is not necessarily that they are being critical but more likely just a little anxiety around things that are not "business as usual." My wife does the same thing and it is simply equal parts of her own insecurities, change in a couple decades worth of routine and just natural observation. If you changed anything else and didn't get feedback (tactless or not) you would be upset i.e. an new hair style or color. Share your feelings with him and then let it go, as long as his comments are just clumsy and not abusive then accept him for who he is.

zozzabubba

One - your college should provide free health services with 10 dollar co pay along with counseling. Look into that.
Two - your college may even have a free gym so you won't have to join the ymca.
Three - Your boyfriend sounds like a trigger for you and I commend you if you haven't lapsed back into negative habits.

Let go a little bit of the control with working out. If you're working out 3 to 4 hrs a day are you replenishing that with protein? Carbs?
If you do not have these things you mess up your metabolism. Why are you working out so much? Do you need to tone? get your mind off of things? Is there anything else you can do with your day to get your mind off having so much control over your body? Consider how many calories you burn working out vs how many you are eating..maybe talk to a nutritionist about long term goals.

I was just browsing on here and noticed this topic and from one ed to another I know it's hard. Luckily enough I have a sister and a brother in law as a psychologist so I was able to seek help early.
Getting rid of your boyfriend will only be solving half the problem. The other half is yours to fix. Consider that your control. I remember being anxious going off to college too! Could it be that you're hyperfocusing on food and workouts due to that stress? Regardless keep your head up and love yourself.

I'm trying as hard as I can to not mess up my metabolism - I have the weight loss set to only 0.5lbs a week on here (giving me 1430 cals per day) and I eat back some of my exercise calories (usually up to 1700-1800). This leaves me usually netting 1000ish, but I've heard that MFP can overcalculate burn so I don't want to eat back more of my exercise calories. I have my percentages on 50/30/20 for carbs/proteins/fats and am usually right on in terms of proportions. I started going to the gym so much because I love zumba, and through that I met a lot of people, many of whom take part in various other classes at the gym and told me all about what those classes have done for them so I thought "I may as well try this too"...a few months on and it's just built up to about 3 classes a day because now I have the time because it's the summer holidays. I'm working out a lot because I do want to tone up. I've (pretty much) accepted that I can't healthily lose much more actual weight, but I'd still like to lose fat and maybe build muscle. I would like to talk to a nutritionist but I don't have access to one near where I live. Do you think going to a regular doctor would be helpful? I've heard they often don't know much about nutrition and can be unhelpful?

Thanks for being so helpful and supportive by the way - some of the comments on here aren't making me feel great.

RobynMWilson

I can't hear his tone of voice and don't know him to be able to accurately comment on this, but could it be he's become a little codependent and him asking all those questions is just b/c he's making sure you're making some changes? With every addict (including ED) comes at least one codependent...

amyhoss

You need someone who will support you in getting past your ED. Sarcastic or not, his comments are getting under your skin and affecting you (they would affect me too). You need to have a talk with him and explain what you are trying to acheive and that you need him to help you through it, not hinder you. There is a reason why you aren't doing 4 hours at the gym and it's not because you are lazy.

Personally, he seems like a ****.

AnitaVolpato

I am sorry if I offended anyone with my anger or outburst's. I don't like to see women be hurt by men.. It's personal and I have seen it so much. Make's my blood boil... I will try to sit on my hands. I just hope the original poster can see where he is wrong. It's abuse period!

ErinBeth7

I am so sorry about what happened. I am currently in recovery from an ED so I have been there. How long have you and your boyfriend been together? Are you two seriuos? It might be a good idea to talk to him and be honest. If he doesn't know, and you plan on being with him for a while, he could contiue to provoke ED thoughts and what not which could lead you down a road you don't want to go... if you want to talk about this more, feel free to message me. I hope things get better! Guys can be clueless.

We've been together on and off since October (I make that...9ish months?). It's pretty serious - we were VERY close as friends when we weren't dating so it's been that kind of relationship more than a very sexual one.
Something that complicates matters is we're both going to colleges in different US states at the end of the Summer - we're just having the last few weeks of fun together now before we have to break up...I'd rather not bring something serious like that into conversation during our last few weeks of fun, but at the same time I don't want to keep being shaken up by thoughtless comments these last few weeks either. I added you by the way

From an older happily married man, There's been "some" truth in many of the responses you got so far. There are some confusing things you've said though. You initially describe him as a "super sweet" guy, but the comments he makes are not those of a super sweet guy. You describe the relationship as pretty serious and 3 sentences later you're talking about breaking up at the end of summer? How serious can it be if you're breaking up? I realize you're going to different colleges but serious relationships can survive those types of stresses. Mine did. Several of the responders said men are tactless and often say stupid things. I would agree with that statement. If he doesn't know about your ED and you don't want to tell him, that's fine, but if it's affecting your old ED triggers, he can't change his own behavior if he doesn't know what he's not supposed to say. Of course, many of the women would argue, and probably rightfully so, that any guy who is making stupid comments like this, isn't worth keeping around anyway. Are you truly in love? If not, move on, if you are and want to hold onto the relationship, a deeper level of honesty is going to be necessary at some point. It kind of depends on what YOU want. Just my 2 cents

^Hit the nail on the head!

RobynMWilson

One - your college should provide free health services with 10 dollar co pay along with counseling. Look into that.
Two - your college may even have a free gym so you won't have to join the ymca.
Three - Your boyfriend sounds like a trigger for you and I commend you if you haven't lapsed back into negative habits.

Let go a little bit of the control with working out. If you're working out 3 to 4 hrs a day are you replenishing that with protein? Carbs?
If you do not have these things you mess up your metabolism. Why are you working out so much? Do you need to tone? get your mind off of things? Is there anything else you can do with your day to get your mind off having so much control over your body? Consider how many calories you burn working out vs how many you are eating..maybe talk to a nutritionist about long term goals.

I was just browsing on here and noticed this topic and from one ed to another I know it's hard. Luckily enough I have a sister and a brother in law as a psychologist so I was able to seek help early.
Getting rid of your boyfriend will only be solving half the problem. The other half is yours to fix. Consider that your control. I remember being anxious going off to college too! Could it be that you're hyperfocusing on food and workouts due to that stress? Regardless keep your head up and love yourself.

I'm trying as hard as I can to not mess up my metabolism - I have the weight loss set to only 0.5lbs a week on here (giving me 1430 cals per day) and I eat back some of my exercise calories (usually up to 1700-1800). This leaves me usually netting 1000ish, but I've heard that MFP can overcalculate burn so I don't want to eat back more of my exercise calories. I have my percentages on 50/30/20 for carbs/proteins/fats and am usually right on in terms of proportions. I started going to the gym so much because I love zumba, and through that I met a lot of people, many of whom take part in various other classes at the gym and told me all about what those classes have done for them so I thought "I may as well try this too"...a few months on and it's just built up to about 3 classes a day because now I have the time because it's the summer holidays. I'm working out a lot because I do want to tone up. I've (pretty much) accepted that I can't healthily lose much more actual weight, but I'd still like to lose fat and maybe build muscle. I would like to talk to a nutritionist but I don't have access to one near where I live. Do you think going to a regular doctor would be helpful? I've heard they often don't know much about nutrition and can be unhelpful?

Thanks for being so helpful and supportive by the way - some of the comments on here aren't making me feel great.

It's not necessary to work out 3 hours per day...I was knocking myself out tryin to get results till I started ChaLEAN Extreme...I worked out an hour per day for 5 days per week...built muscle and put my metabolism in overdrive. My default pic is 60 days into that program. But you have to EAT on this program. Skinny isn't sexy, STRONG is! Have you sought professional help for your ED?

HeatherDee92

Since he is your boyfriend, shouldn't you maybe inform him of your ED past. Maybe he will be a bit more sensitive about the situation then.

davert123

You are getting loads of advice of your relationship but you may be overdoing the diet. Its good to be fit but do what you want for you and not him. He may or may not be a nice bloke, I don't know him but 3 hrs exercise after bluberries and 2/3 cup of yoghurt is going some so my advice would be to take it easy :-)

Taneil27

Sorry, but your boyfriend sounds very insensitive, and not supportive of you. First of all he thinks Greek yogurt and berries is too much? To me, that's not enough for a lunch. And 3 hour long classes at the gym is not enough? To me, that's TOO MUCH! All you should do is one hour long class. Tell him to shut his pie hole and start treating you with respect. "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" :-)

17ChargerGirl17

Wow... My boyfriend has never once said anything negative to me since I've started on this journey.
We got together when I was 70 lbs heavier than I am now and he Loved me then as well as now. I can not imagine him ever saying anything about what I eat or my gym time. He tells me how beautiful and sexy I am in stead. LOL

I think maybe he needs a lesson on motivating someone. Telling you how proud he is of you and how sexy you are is a lot more of a motivation then "Are you going to eat all that"? That's horrible.

HausfrauB

...some of the comments on here aren't making me feel great.

I think most of us are concerned that your boyfriend is not treating you with respect. Of course, none of us really know either of you. However, many of us are speaking from experience when we say you should be wary.

I sincerely wish you all the best life has to offer.

IronPlayground

Not to be insensitive to your past, but it sounds like you are a bit obsessive about your diet and exercise. His comments may be his way of trying to point out that your relationship with exercise is more important than spending time with him.

Guys don't always come out and say what's bothering them. I truly think he may be a little hurt that you take so much time away from him to exercise. Especially since the time you have together is short.

3 hours is way too long, IMO.

rml_16

I am sorry if I offended anyone with my anger or outburst's. I don't like to see women be hurt by men.. It's personal and I have seen it so much. Make's my blood boil... I will try to sit on my hands. I just hope the original poster can see where he is wrong. It's abuse period!

There are a few things about the OP: She is 18 so I imagine her BF is young, too. She has not told him about her ED.

It is entirely possible that there is a lot of misunderstanding due to their ages and trying to navigate through a relationship with little life experience. The boyfriend may just be a dumb kid and not realize what he's saying. Or he may be a creep. But either way, she needs to talk to him about her ED and his comments made her feel to find out which.

Keegansmum6

You say he knows nothing of your past? People cant read minds ,I think you should sit down with him and have a talk.

dbarrett30

Agreed! WHY in the heck are you taking that many classes in one day? I'm not only concerned about your man's comments (or you perception of them, whatever the case may be) but your overall plan here. None of this sounds healthy to me. Do you have a mentor or fitness pal around that you can work with on these issues?

AnitaVolpato

I am sorry if I offended anyone with my anger or outburst's. I don't like to see women be hurt by men.. It's personal and I have seen it so much. Make's my blood boil... I will try to sit on my hands. I just hope the original poster can see where he is wrong. It's abuse period!

There are a few things about the OP: She is 18 so I imagine her BF is young, too. She has not told him about her ED.

It is entirely possible that there is a lot of misunderstanding due to their ages and trying to navigate through a relationship with little life experience. The boyfriend may just be a dumb kid and not realize what he's saying. Or he may be a creep. But either way, she needs to talk to him about her ED and his comments made her feel to find out which.

Yeah, my daughter is around that age and I hope she never ever has to deal with any of this, of course she has ol mom here to drag him out by his ears if so... LOL