Question for the Men
Replies
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Sorry to say this but professional counseling is something you both should be considering. The root cause needs to be dealt with and repaired or the marriage needs to be justified for other reasons. Otherwise there is not going to be much hope. Wishing you the best in hopefully getting things worked out.0
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No matter how hot they are, someone is tired of their *kitten*. That means you too.
Unfortunate, but true. It could be simple boredom.
Question: Did he want kids from the start? Is he living in silent fear of the possibility of a third?0 -
You forgot to mention one thing...your personality may not have changed and maybe your body has to an extent but working back to get it. Now, instead of his hot wife, girl what have you. You are now the mother of his children! He does see you in a different way. Not only that, he is not the priority anymore...the kids are. I think you need to have a heart to heart talk and get to the crux of the problem. He may or may not share. But playing games and telling him "no" and all that will definitely not help the situation...only make it worse.0
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Actually, the opposite is more likely. Cheating men will try to have more sex with the wife as a sort of compensation for the dishonesty.Duh, hes cheating
Lack of sex drive is a key indicator in lots of different maladies for men. He could be going through some sort of life change, but when it happened to me I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism.0 -
Didn't read the whole thread but this is a good point. I don't know how old the OP's husband is, but when I hit 30, the drive started sliding down hill. My testosterone is on the way down, could be the same for him.
Actually, the opposite is more likely. Cheating men will try to have more sex with the wife as a sort of compensation for the dishonesty.Duh, hes cheating
Lack of sex drive is a key indicator in lots of different maladies for men. He could be going through some sort of life change, but when it happened to me I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism.0 -
Perhaps he should get his testosterone levels checked. Seriously. Low T happens to more guys than you think and all that crazy female chasing is more chemical than you know.0
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Have you ever actually asked him what the problem is??
this
^^This, I'm always baffled by couples that are not able to communicate. I refuse to spend my life with someone who is not cable of doing this. I'm truly sorry if he won't man up and discuss his feelings. Telling you that you are putting pressure on him is just avoidance and not an acceptable answer. This will require an actual discussion. Not short retorts fired back and forth, that's not communication.0 -
No matter how hot they are, someone is tired of their *kitten*. That means you too.
Unfortunate, but true. It could be simple boredom.
Question: Did he want kids from the start? Is he living in silent fear of the possibility of a third?
Actually he wanted kids sooner than I did. I wanted them, but I could have waited. He and I are both in agreement that we don't want a third. He knows I have done everything in my power to ensure that too. The thought of having that ugly pregnant belly again makes me physically sick.0 -
Second, I do EVERYTHING for him. I cook his meals, care for his daughters, clean his house, pay his bills, and give him his way on almost everything.
I've never neglected him in the bedroom a single time. He's never even heard the word "no" from me. So it's not a situation where he's ever been denied and has given up. I don't care for the excuse about being tired because I work full time, am a full time student, and do pretty much everything around the house and with the kids. I'm tired too, dang it. But I'm never THAT tired.
Sounds to me like there is something else going on in your relationship other than the lack of intimacy. The fact that you do so much AND you give him his way on everything is not healthy. It should be 50/50, and you shouldn't be caving into him, period.
I agree with you, I can't see how anyone could be THAT tired. I've never told my wife no, no matter how tired I am. Is it quality, when I'm that tired? meh.... But still.
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^this^Duh, hes cheating0 -
Ladies, lets b honest, speaking as a man there r only a small number of reasons why a guy wont have...relations
His junk dont work
He thinks ur ugly
Hes gay
Hes cheating
Thats it, end of story
Kind of a cold, callous way of putting it but... Meh... I'll work with this.
His Junk doesn't work... is it physical/medical (medications/anatomical issues) or is it psychological (stress? see's you as a mother figure? is afraid of hurting you (the act of giving birth scared him)? is afraid of procreating more children?). Is he exhausted? Is there a fear of being caught by your children? This is really worth exploring for both of your sakes. A limited number of men even have psychological performance issues from watching their wives give birth.
"He thinks ur ugly"... well... um ok... I'll dance around on this a little here... My first wife really let herself slide after child birth. She developed severe post partum... refused treatment... developed an eating disorder and eventually her teeth rotted out. She became as ugly on the inside as she was on the outside. I ceased to be attracted to her both emotionally and physically. As a man, it is often difficult to express why you can't perform but also to tell someone you love\loved that they need to pull up their socks.
He's Gay or cheating? I can't really speak on this...I don't know him. But if he isn't coming home for dinner, there is a chance he is ordering off the menu. You need to examine this.
I would strongly recommend you seek counselling if not in couples therapy... then individually. There are issues that need to be addressed in a civilized manner (especially when children are involved). If he won't go... then you go! Being rejected is not healthy for your self esteem and if you suspect something else is going on chances are it is... it needs to discussed. Lastly...You have to consider that there are children in the picture. My Mother always says "Little Pitchers have big ears" Basically they may know or sense something is going on and this affects them too. Family cohesion and happiness is important to their development. Family therapy will also help you address what is best for your children.
I hope this helps you. I hate to see anyone go thru this. My own therapist told me that the top four most stressful things in life are Death, Divorce, Health and Money. Two of them often lead to one or the other.
Please get help... you are not alone.
Prayers for you and yours.0 -
then start telling him "no"First, yes, I have tried talking to him in a nonconfrontational way. I told him that I love him and I think he is amazing which makes me super attracted to him. I even tried to keep it lighthearted and joked that it's his fault for being so cute. I asked if there was something I needed to do differently. His response was that there was nothing wrong other than that I was putting pressure on him. So I didn't bring it up again.
Second, I do EVERYTHING for him. I cook his meals, care for his daughters, clean his house, pay his bills, and give him his way on almost everything. I've never neglected him in the bedroom a single time. He's never even heard the word "no" from me. So it's not a situation where he's ever been denied and has given up. I don't care for the excuse about being tired because I work full time, am a full time student, and do pretty much everything around the house and with the kids. I'm tired too, dang it. But I'm never THAT tired.0 -
Ladies, lets b honest, speaking as a man there r only a small number of reasons why a guy wont have...relations
His junk dont work
He thinks ur ugly
Hes gay
Hes cheating
Thats it, end of story
Correct order would be:
He's gay
His junk doesn't work
He's cheating
He thinks you're ugly
Because unless it is #1, he'd still try.0 -
then start telling him "no"First, yes, I have tried talking to him in a nonconfrontational way. I told him that I love him and I think he is amazing which makes me super attracted to him. I even tried to keep it lighthearted and joked that it's his fault for being so cute. I asked if there was something I needed to do differently. His response was that there was nothing wrong other than that I was putting pressure on him. So I didn't bring it up again.
Second, I do EVERYTHING for him. I cook his meals, care for his daughters, clean his house, pay his bills, and give him his way on almost everything. I've never neglected him in the bedroom a single time. He's never even heard the word "no" from me. So it's not a situation where he's ever been denied and has given up. I don't care for the excuse about being tired because I work full time, am a full time student, and do pretty much everything around the house and with the kids. I'm tired too, dang it. But I'm never THAT tired.
^^^This. Stop being his mom and be his wife.0 -
Internet porn could be an issue. It is about the worst thing a man can do to himself in terms of psychology and sex. If he is using it he needs to stop. And if he can't get help. And if he is using porn, it is not because you are not enough for him it's because Internet porn just puts men in a trance, its like meth for a guy's brain.
My bets is that it's porn.0 -
Ladies, lets b honest, speaking as a man there r only a small number of reasons why a guy wont have...relations
His junk dont work
He thinks ur ugly
Hes gay
Hes cheating
Thats it, end of story
Correct order would be:
He's gay
His junk doesn't work
He's cheating
He thinks you're ugly
Because unless it is #1, he'd still try.
True that...true that...0 -
Ladies, lets b honest, speaking as a man there r only a small number of reasons why a guy wont have...relations
His junk dont work
He thinks ur ugly
Hes gay
Hes cheating
Thats it, end of story
Correct order would be:
He's gay
His junk doesn't work
He's cheating
He thinks you're ugly
Because unless it is #1, he'd still try.
There have been lots of times that single guys have slept with what they though were ugly women. IMO "he thinks you're ugly" can be removed from the list entirely0 -
There could be many, many issues behind this. Please don't take the advice of those that claim he's definitely cheating, or gay, or whatever. Of course, anything is possible, but there are many things in play here:
1 - he's aging, and his sex drive has greatly diminished (perhaps linked to an underlying health issue)
2 - he's been in a relationship with one woman for some time, and getting bored - time to spice it up a bit, schedule time away from the kids, weekend away at the beach (or wherever, ideally in a hotel so it seems fresh), etc.
3 - he's recently had children, and perhaps he doesn't appreciate being number 2 or number 3 in your eyes
4 - there are physical reasons behind it, e.g. his body is not producing enough testosterone, etc., etc.
5 - there are underlying issues between you two that are not resolved, and it's manifesting itself this way (i.e., he's using sex in a passive aggressive way to get back at you)
6 - yes, perhaps he's having an affair (doubt it, but it's possible - men usually don't stop having sex with their own wives when they cheat, however)
7 - etc., etc. - I can list another 20.....
In any case, I think it's much more about *him* than anything you've done. And you're not going to find THE answer here. The only way to get to the bottom of this is to have a very serious, open, frank discussion with him. Do not accept the "don't pressure me" argument, it's total BS, and he knows it. He has to understand that this is very important to you, and should be to him, as well. And if he refuses to discuss it, you'll need to seek counseling, ideally with him, but on your own if you must. He must understand that this issue is not just going to magically go away.
My guess is that many couples have periods in a long-term relationship when things cool down a bit. But the sooner you two put it behind you, the better.
Good luck.
--P0 -
Bend over the kitchen table with just an apron on.
If he bypasses you for a Pepsi in the fridge, it's time to call Maury Povich.0 -
There have been lots of times that single guys have slept with what they though were ugly women. IMO "he thinks you're ugly" can be removed from the list entirely
I kinda agree with this...while never experiencing it personally..there were a lot of guys from my home town that would put their key in the ignition of any car they could, fresh of the lot or well used and poorly taken care of.0 -
Bend over the kitchen table with just an apron on.
If he bypasses you for a Pepsi in the fridge, it's time to call Maury Povich.
OMG i LOLed at this....MAURY! MAURY! MAURY! MAURY!....ok sorry im in control again.
Please continue0 -
There have been lots of times that single guys have slept with what they though were ugly women. IMO "he thinks you're ugly" can be removed from the list entirely
I kinda agree with this...while never experiencing it personally..there were a lot of guys from my home town that would put their key in the ignition of any car they could, fresh of the lot or well used and poorly taken care of.
Ah... the beauty is only a light switch away argument. Interesting. But somehow don't think it helps the situation.0 -
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He is your age? could be Low Testosterone??? that would do it...0
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Realise you have to do this journey for YOU rather than your man.... if he comes around its a bonus.
Without a lot of the facts its hard to criticise him, is he down himself? can you get him to be involved with ur programme perhaps, build some bridges? Does he have a lot on with work etc.
I agree with one of the previous quotes, don't be offering it on a plate, dress up, give him a kiss and go out for a girly night or go and see one of your mates if you can.
Or you might just have to do the grown up thing and try and talk with him. If you're like me I can't let things swirl round in my head too long I have to get what's on my mind out in the open to see what his reaction/response is like ....
Good Luck, hope all goes well :smooched:0 -
Chain of Events...
1. Pre-children, hot body, pretty, boyfriend can't keep his hands off
2. Marriage, kids, body changed
3. Still the same woman, just with more weight, same man turns me down all the time
4. Losing weight, not completely back to the hot body but obvious progress has been made, he's still not interested
Since everything about me is the same except my body, am I correct in assuming my body caused his disinterest?
Note: It won't hurt my feelings
Something that women dont understand is that after marriage and kids things change, sure men and women get older and our body changes but thats not usually why men grow apart from the woman. Its the new life as a family and many cases it becomes not fun, stressful, and too much fussing, crying, money issues, and the hard to keep the place clean. I doubt its your body that is the reason, its prolly just unhappy cause things are not the same as they once were. I know many married women with kids forget to do things that they used to do such as shaving down there, sexy under wear, and games/themes in the bedroom and being spontaneous.
Things get dull if sex is treated like a chore. Im nto saying this is your situation, I dont know you but you seem like a great person so I find it hard to believe you dated a jerk who is turned off cause you gained a few pounds. If so then he needs to get over it. You are attractive and any man would love to have you. I think men forget that sometimes how desirable their woman is until its too late. .
@random im different chick. Yes I know, before anyone says anything, I get it, this doesnt apply to you but it does for others, just cause you are different doesnt mean everyone is like you. Sorry.
I wish you luck in your situation. Take care girl.0 -
My husband tells me he gets tired of having to initiate it. He wants me to do that more even though I've never said no. Could that be it? Does he want you to be more playful or maybe 'attack' him for it??
Guys - what are your thoughts on that. Do you like doing the chasing or would you rather be chased?
Definitely initiate more. No doubt
Got it. Sometimes it can be so hard after working all day, going to the gym, coming home to cook dinner for the family. In any case I guess I better step up my game.0 -
Ladies, lets b honest, speaking as a man there r only a small number of reasons why a guy wont have...relations
His junk dont work
He thinks ur ugly
Hes gay
Hes cheating
Thats it, end of story
Correct order would be:
He's gay
His junk doesn't work
He's cheating
He thinks you're ugly
Because unless it is #1, he'd still try.
Actually you left out.....he's addicted to porn. And any man who ever actually HAS been addicted to porn will tell you that the real thing becomes much less satisfying/arousing. When you immerse yourself in a fantasy world where women never have any needs of their own, they are ready for sex at the drop of a hat, they are satisfied in 3 seconds and then invite 4 of their female friends over so that you can have sex with them too, that has a very chilling effect on real life married sex. The reality can never ever compete with the fantasy if one is truly addicted.
I'm not saying that's it....I was more responding to the above poster.0 -
My fiance has to be in the mood to have sex, now we still have it fairly often 3-5 times a week, but he can't just have sex if he's not in the mood.
There was a time period where we weren't having much sex and it was because he was depressed. He didn't want to do anything at all. Just talk to him. Ignore that negative people, seriously. Just because he doesn't want sex it doesn't mean he's gay, cheating, thinks your ugly whatever. Most guys have a little more to them than just their penis.0 -
Duh, hes cheating
This was my first initial thought.
Rules: Women have sex when they want....men have sex when they can. If he's turning you down, i'd put money on him cheating....sorry.
Is he up late on the computer, or tablet?....virtual cheating can be just as bad....0
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