Does anyone have a Narcissistic Mother?
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My father is a textbook narcissist. I no longer speak to him. I cut off communication last year, and I've been much happier for it though it took me 27 years to get to that point.
Unfortunately, it's never easy to do that, but sometimes it has to happen for you to move forward in life.
My father is a very toxic person in my life. His method of manipulation is neglect and talking behind my back. I couldn't deal with it anymore.
My dad and your dad could be the same person. Every psychiatrist has told my dad that he is a "textbook narcissist". It's so hard. I just keep wanting to believe that this time he won't manipulate me and lie and twist things and constantly be planning something with every word he tells me-- anything to benefit him. I want to believe him. I haven't completely cut him out yet, but I've only seen him once in the last six months and have kept contact very limited. My brother just cut him out and is very happy about it. He says it isn't easy abut it's so much easier than having anything to do with him. I keep saying "if he does one more thing, I'm out..." and then I just can't.
I'm the only kid that still talks to him, and I feel somehow like he needs me. But he doesn't! I wonder if there is a website for narcissistic fathers...
It took me a very long time to stop trying to believe he could change. The natural reaction as a child is to assume the people who made you love you. That's not always the case, sadly.
I still love my dad, despite it all, and I hope he is happy, but I can't have him in my life anymore. It's still difficult at times though to stick with my decision, but I am much healthier and happier for it.0 -
Wow...never thought of it that way. My mother, I just always called her hateful. Then there's the mil. She's so bad I nor her own kids(2 of 3) haven't spoken to her in 2 years and not seen her in 5+ years.
We all refer to her as Satan. Yeah, its that bad.
Omg! My dad and I call her Satan as well....she's so very hateful and spews a lot of venom in her words.0 -
Good lord thats my mom!!!! Had no idea it had a name. I came to the realization a long time ago that nothing I did would make her love me. I am ok with that and no longer hate her, I feel sorry for her, but do not want her in my life. I am in a great place right now and am getting remarried....she will not be on the guest list(my 1st wedding she showed up in a wedding dress and walked down the aisle with flowers in her hands like she was the bride!!!) I will not let her spoil my special day with my wonderful guy....cause I deserve to have a awesome day!!!!
you can add me if you want.
What the heck?!!! Who does that! What a horrible woman!!!! Im so sorry!!0 -
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Wow- My husband and I suspected my mother was NPD along with other disorders, but this website hits on so, so many different aspects. Gaslighting, the dictionary, engulfing, invalidation, the sexual weirdness- so much. I was literally gasping while reading. It's like someone was watching and taking notes. It led to all kinds of issues for me, but I wasn't able to make a break until I saw her trying to repeat the same mind-screwing techniques with my daughter, despite us trying to set reasonable boundaries. She was just 'above it all'. :frown:
I haven't spoken to her in almost 4 years now, and it has been the most painful and lonely thing I have been through as well as the most liberating. Please feel free to add for support and chat. So sorry you all are dealing/have dealt with this, too. :flowerforyou:
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Me too! I was reading through this website when I found it last week and got emotional looking at it. It flooded back all these feelings of inadequacy that I tried to tuck away and its so relieving to know that it IS something that's wrong with her...not me. I want to one day forgive her and let go of the hate and resentment. I don't ever want her in my life because I know she will never change...but I want to one day forgive and not be filled with so much anger and hate when I think of her.0 -
My mother definitely fits in this category.. except that she's always loved my sister. Not really anyone else, besides herself. She is rude, inconsiderate, and in her 40's - but she hangs out with men my age (22) and tries to be someone she isn't. She conforms to every popular thing and person, and thinks that she is the only one in this world who matters. She has 600+ friends on Facebook, and posts bad things about my family on it. I had to delete my facebook because I couldn't handle people messaging me about how "embarrassing" she must be. I don't want to cut her off because I do think that when she gets older, she'll come around.. but I am losing patience. Often times, I feel like I'm playing the mother role, when that's her job.
Also, when I do bring it up, she gets really melodramatic and tells me to 'stop picking on her' because I 'always single her out'.. she's very frustrating and toxic.0 -
I have been going though a ton of stuff with my mother lately. The past few months have been HELL.
It is nice to know I am not the only one having problems like this. I have been feeling completely isolated like no one could understand.0 -
bumping for further read........... I also know someone like this...sad, so very sad.0
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I wonder if ours mothers are at the root of our weight gain?
Oh most definately, the voices in my mind that tell me I am not good enough, I will never lose weight, nobody will ever love me, I am fat and useless all come from her! My weight gain was completely related to my zero self worth, if she had been the kind of mother who loved and supported me then I would been way less likely to eat my feelings into obesity.
I was 125lbs when my mom started telling me to 'suck in my gut' because (verbatim) 'I look like a trashy fat girl'. She used to point out large people at the mall/grocery store/etc and say 'Welcome to your future'. Before we left the house, she had to see what we were wearing, how our hair/makeup was done so that we wouldn't embarrass her. She's a bellydancer, she's very tiny and fit (about 5'0, 115lbs), and would tell me that it's a shame that I won't grow up to be like her. Our bad looks were because of our dad. I haven't had a bit of self confidence in over 10 years, I just hope losing weight will allow me that honor.0 -
You should read "Understanding the Borderline Mother." It helped my mom a lot.0
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.... I... had no idea this was a thing. I don't want to say my mom was/is narcissistic... but I read that list at http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html and pretty much went 'holy crap, my mom did/does this' to a lot of it...
I'm not sure... I mean, she told me and tells me that I was trouble as a kid... I don't know if it was her or just me being ungrateful for what she did do for me.0 -
O...m...g... yup this is my mother for the most part! Wow...0
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Mine is embarrassingly emotional....you look at her wrong and she jumps down your throat...and if you don't agree with her side, she says everyone is ganging up on her...I'm the scapegoat of the family and I really suffer from feeling worthless and that ='ll neve be good enough....like I'll never be happy....I also do not take feedback well either....anytime I get constructive critisizm, I always take it personally and get hurt, etc... I also have black and white thinking because of her....if its not one way, it has to be another...there's no middle ground. I'm working on all of these things in therapy th...ough. I'm. R. Fally happy I helped some of you figure this out. Its a huge part of my identity that I need to change....all of the backwards thinking she instilled into me growing up. I am not narcissistic but I am very hard on myself when I do things she did. At least I can see it and am actively trying to better myself...unlike her.0
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Mine is embarrassingly emotional....you look at her wrong and she jumps down your throat...and if you don't agree with her side, she says everyone is ganging up on her...I'm the scapegoat of the family and I really suffer from feeling worthless and that ='ll neve be good enough....like I'll never be happy....I also do not take feedback well either....anytime I get constructive critisizm, I always take it personally and get hurt, etc... I also have black and white thinking because of her....if its not one way, it has to be another...there's no middle ground. I'm working on all of these things in therapy th...ough. I'm. R. Fally happy I helped some of you figure this out. Its a huge part of my identity that I need to change....all of the backwards thinking she instilled into me growing up. I am not narcissistic but I am very hard on myself when I do things she did. At least I can see it and am actively trying to better myself...unlike her.
I know what that's like and it sucks to have an emotionably unstable mother. I use to struggle with it but read a lot of books of self worth and such. Know that it is NOT your fault and that you cannot change a person. They have to be willing to change themselves. All you can do is pray for them.0 -
Years of mental abuse, years of verbal abuse - I don't have a relationship with my Mother anymore, simply put - she stated (indirectly) I choose my spouse or her. My mother actually tried to plot my wife against me and me against my wife hoping I would divorce and move back in with her and my Dad - she actually bought a large plot of land to build me house.
Long story short - I am 39 and joined the US Air Force at 18. I grew up in Vermont and now live in the Saint Louis area.
A few years ago (2009) I was talking to my Mom - I hadn't spoken to her in about 6-months - so I called. The first thing she asks is and I quote; "So what problems are going on in your life?" - Nothing I said - life is good. She then said - don't lie to me - I KNOW you have problems - your life is a mess."
The funny thing is I talked to my Dad (he is married to her - she is my birth mother my parents never got divorced or anything) almost weekly either in e-mail, phone, the web, etc, etc.
In the same conversation I told her I recently was awarded a significant award at work - a very prestigious award and was granted this award 1.5 years after being at my company - this award is so valued I can't not be nominated for four (4) years for the Award again. I also then explained for several minutes the good and positive things and other achievements in my life, at school, at work, at home - with my kids - etc, etc.
"She basically got mad, angry, upset, exasperated, pissed....... because and I quote -
"I don't care about the good things in you life - all I want to know is what problems you have - you are lying to me - you have problems, you won;t tell me about your problems and because you didn't listen me - you never listen to me - if you hadn't joined the Air Force in 1991 - you would not have the problems in your life that you do now."
So the last time I spoke to my Mom was 2009.0 -
Wow. There's a special term of crazy for my mother in law.
Even better, I totally want to send it to her. She told my husband that he had every possible disorder under the sun growing up - (his brother, too), and still claims that there is virtually no way he can be a normal functioning adult without a boatload of meds.
He's moved from California to Minnesota, and she's seen him three times in the last nine years. He's never taken meds (quit at 16 if I remember correctly) and holds jobs, takes care of his family, and is a totally normal and respectable man.
What really pisses me off is that she doesn't see it or appreciate it.
Father in law is totally the enabling father, too. Ugh.0 -
yes. i stopped talking to her when i was 26 because i had had too much. the straw that broke my back was her letting me think she committed suicide because i didnt respond to her phone calls fast enough. i was in graduate school, so was really busy.
i was distraight and called my aunt and found out she had just talked to my mom. i then called suicide prevention read the note over the phone that she sent to me and said that i couldnt get in touch were her. they sent someone over to her house. she called me afterwards and thought that crap was funny. i was just like, you know what? i'm done.
i didnt speak to her for years and just recently spoke to her (not by choice) because my great grand dad had passed and someone passed her phone when i called
the good thing about growing up in that situation is that i can spot a an emotional manipulation a mile away and i nip that crap in the bud0 -
These stories blow me away....I haven't talked to mine since April.
I was visiting my sister in the hospital and I text dad to tell him that the crazy woman was there....so he called her and politely asked her to leave because I live 3 hours away and never get alone time with my sister.
She totally freaked out on me and called me a fake *****...she told me that everyone syas I'm a fake *****...and she told me to drop dead and to go to hell.
All this came about when she was just asked to leave. I can honestly say I said nothing to provoke it....
That same day she text to say that everything at her house that was mine is now hers and that she was going to throw it away. I lietally had to call the police and have them sit with my while I got my stuff back (which she threw out on the driveway. Like it was trash). She's absolutely unbelievable. And now she has her whole family thinking I'm mean to her and my own sister (the one who was in the hospital) against me. This sister had a brain aneurysm and has a traumatic brain injury so Ruth is completely using that to her advnntage and is using my sister as her puppet and to get attention and to gain sympathy.....
The whole situation is just sick.0 -
These stories blow me away....I haven't talked to mine since April.
I was visiting my sister in the hospital and I text dad to tell him that the crazy woman was there....so he called her and politely asked her to leave because I live 3 hours away and never get alone time with my sister.
She totally freaked out on me and called me a fake *****...she told me that everyone syas I'm a fake *****...and she told me to drop dead and to go to hell.
All this came about when she was just asked to leave. I can honestly say I said nothing to provoke it....
That same day she text to say that everything at her house that was mine is now hers and that she was going to throw it away. I lietally had to call the police and have them sit with my while I got my stuff back (which she threw out on the driveway. Like it was trash). She's absolutely unbelievable. And now she has her whole family thinking I'm mean to her and my own sister (the one who was in the hospital) against me. This sister had a brain aneurysm and has a traumatic brain injury so Ruth is completely using that to her advnntage and is using my sister as her puppet and to get attention and to gain sympathy.....
The whole situation is just sick.
She sounds so much like my mum. Mine has managed to blacken my name all over my home town and amongst her side of the family. I finally defriended her on facebook today so she can no longer lurk in the fringes of my life.0 -
These stories blow me away....I haven't talked to mine since April.
I was visiting my sister in the hospital and I text dad to tell him that the crazy woman was there....so he called her and politely asked her to leave because I live 3 hours away and never get alone time with my sister.
She totally freaked out on me and called me a fake *****...she told me that everyone syas I'm a fake *****...and she told me to drop dead and to go to hell.
All this came about when she was just asked to leave. I can honestly say I said nothing to provoke it....
That same day she text to say that everything at her house that was mine is now hers and that she was going to throw it away. I lietally had to call the police and have them sit with my while I got my stuff back (which she threw out on the driveway. Like it was trash). She's absolutely unbelievable. And now she has her whole family thinking I'm mean to her and my own sister (the one who was in the hospital) against me. This sister had a brain aneurysm and has a traumatic brain injury so Ruth is completely using that to her advnntage and is using my sister as her puppet and to get attention and to gain sympathy.....
The whole situation is just sick.
She sounds so much like my mum. Mine has managed to blacken my name all over my home town and amongst her side of the family. I finally defriended her on facebook today so she can no longer lurk in the fringes of my life.
That's absolutely the way it goes... it's called deflection. If she can put the focus on you, she can build herself up as the center of sympathetic attention. And she's so good at manipulating people that no one will believe you that she's done this. Classic.0 -
question...do any of you have siblings? Does it ever seem like your mother ONLY attacks you? And not your siblings?0
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Dez Bryant....lol...0
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question...do any of you have siblings? Does it ever seem like your mother ONLY attacks you? And not your siblings?
My dad has 4 younger ones besides me. He's definitely got his favorites. I'm not one of them. Neither is the oldest boy. The youngest boy he doesn't even see or speak to. The middle two he gets along with swimmingly.0 -
This definitely hits home for me. Im glad I can finally put a name on it.0
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Yep that's my Mom. She is ridiculous. I used to be a part of a Yahoo group for people dealing with others with narcissism. I left my Mom's when I was 17 and moved in with my Dad. We now live a state a part and that is great for me. She has ovarian cancer now which just feeds into her attention getting irresponsible behavior. My grandma passed away last year and my mother managed to completely spend everything and is in the process of letting the house fall to pieces. But of course, she is broke and expects everyone to have sympathy for her because nothing is ever her fault. I still have contact with her, but it is limited. I had to keep contact with her if I wanted to keep in touch with my sisters. It has been very hard and difficult and I attribute my upbringing to my ED that I struggle with. I finally got the courage to go to counseling and I can't begin to tell you how nice it is to have someone who isn't biased to talk to about these issues. Counseling has helped tremendously with my ED and my anxiety, which seem to go hand in hand for me. I am happy to have found myself here too. Feel free to friend me, I an somewhat new here.0
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bump to read later. But I def feel my mom hurt my body image when I was younger. Thank goodness for team sports
I have gone back and read some of ths info. My mother and MIL both display some narcissistic chharacterisitcs but not to the the website describes or that some of you are expressing.
I wish love and luck to all of you who are dealing with this problem.0 -
Reading the definition of a narcissist, it could equally be applied to a woman with low level autism. Especially the having little empathy with others and the envy. I am wary of this label.0
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I understand this oh so well. I stopped speaking to my mother for 3 years after I left home at 18. We started talking again after I got pregnant. She was a bit better after that. Then a few years ago, she had a nervous breakdown. She actually came to realize a lot of the stuff that she did. She's not the same person, some in a good way, some not so good. Some of her "spark" is gone, if that made any sense. She's lost a lot of the spunk that made her who she was.
I'm 36. I forgave her a long time ago. Parenting is hard.0 -
bump to read later...I'm so glad I clicked on this thread and realize that I'm not crazy and that from the look of things far too many people are going through the same things I have...the things that have made me feel for years not good enough. I am sorry for everyone's pain and thank you for sharing your stories and the website/book recommendations.0
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Having read this, an the Narcissistic thread on wikipedia, I can definately say, that my mum definately is, and maybe my dad to a certain extent.
All small things but there are a few major sticking points are:
1. Going into hospital for c section and said I just wanted my husband there the first day. She wouldnt have it and argued (as did dad) that they were coming to the birth of their 1st grandkid. I said no, its my choice, then she cried to guilt trip me into it. Finally she realised I meant what I said and tried to come into the ward and theatre anyway. I had already given photos to the ward to not let them in (they work at the hospital. Then it was all my fault, and i was the one on the wrong (and she made me cry!) She had an argument with my husband and he told her to back off, suddenly dad was threatening to punch him etc.
2. Wedding day. She did not help in the slightest with any planning. The colour theme was lilac. She wanted to wear read, and she wanted my theme to be red. I said no, and also said that she woulndt really tie in with the rest of the wedding party in bright red. She agreed, then turned up on the day wearing red anyway. The bridesmaids etc got given gifts for helping, she collared me after the meal and said that Dad was upset he did not get given a present despite the one i gave was for the pair of them togather. Then she wanted to do the father-of-the-bride speach as dad didnt feel up to it. I had to really put my foot down on that. She went for the photos with a face down to her knees and shaking cos it was "sooo cold". It was a Feb but it wasnt THAT cold. She went off for a solo photo of her with just my brother but didnt want one just of me and her. Finally, my parents never got me a wedding present, nor a "proper" wedding card then had the cheek to ask what others had given etc.
3. Since my daughter has been going to theirs, there has been less of a problem with me although she still likes to try and bring me down and tell me I am doing things wrong with her etc etc. Also, another weird thing is that she likes to kiss her etc "come give nana a kiss" then slobbers all over her. It is as if my kid has taken the place of my brother and that she likes my offspring but not me myself.
4. Looking to buy a house, show mom certain houses and all she can say is "oh, we will never get a mortgage now we are sooo poor". I am not talking about her and her housing situation- i am trying to talk about mine. Plus the fact that when I tell her where it is (1hr20 away) she just goes on about how she wont see my daughter. Not the fact that my husband has a new well paid job, or that we have done well saving a 10% deposit.
5. Going on honeymoon, "oh your such jammy buggers" like we were lucky we were going on hols. We were going for a reason not just frittering my money away like they do.
6. Plus the fact that when I was 18 they tricked me into signing some stuff that could have gone wrong legally (all sorted now) they would not sort it out, accept it or anything. When I then had bailiff letters arriving saying they will take our stuff and In Laws stuff away, all they said was "well they have a bad credit rating anyway". (they dont)
Arghh rant over. You got me on one there.0 -
Sorry, but having read it, that website has really upset me. As if the world doesn't bash mothers enough. Now we aren't even allowed to talk about our own children without being branded a narcissist. There is not a person alive who doesn't do all those things on the list of ways to spot a narcissist.
Some people aren't very nice people, and don't make very good parents. But that website is just an excuse to parent bash, and it's cruel. It smacks of McCarthy-ism. "Watch out! The evil narcissists are EVERYWHERE, hidden amongst you, looking like normal people!".0
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