Does anyone have a Narcissistic Mother?

Josie_lifting_cats

Sorry, but having read it, that website has really upset me. As if the world doesn't bash mothers enough. Now we aren't even allowed to talk about our own children without being branded a narcissist. There is not a person alive who doesn't do all those things on the list of ways to spot a narcissist.

Some people aren't very nice people, and don't make very good parents. But that website is just an excuse to parent bash, and it's cruel. It smacks of McCarthy-ism. "Watch out! The evil narcissists are EVERYWHERE, hidden amongst you, looking like normal people!".

See, I love my mother. She totally has some of these tendencies, but she never purposely tries to hurt us kids. However, my mother in law and father in law can and DO hurt their kids constantly. On purpose. They are spiteful and mean, and are constantly trying to bring my husband down. (Back when we had anything to do with them, that is.)

I think that's the point they are trying to get at. When you are so damaged because you spent your whole childhood being brought down. Insisting he has every disorder under the sun, then belittling him about it. For example "You can't function in society and need treatment for your ADHD, OCD and ODD." Followed in the same conversation by "With all your mental issues, you really need to just admit it and go on welfare and be a bottom feeder".

I mean.... seriously???? My husband is none of the forementioned, by the way. He has no trouble focusing, I'm far more OCD than he is, and the only reason they call him ODD is because sometimes he didn't listen as a kid.

Recently my husband tried to talk to his father, because we have a good relationship with father's sister and father's father and they believed the problem was mother in law, not father in law. Father in law's response was "I don't see why you are emailing me. I want nothing to do with you. You hurt your mother because she doesn't have pictures of her grandkids to show to her friends". Nothing like "I love you" or "I appreciate you constantly trying to deal with me even though we act like children."

My husband and I work hard, take care of our children on our own, have good jobs and good reputations in our small town. Yet they never hesitate to create stories about how "worthless" we are and our extensive "mental disabilities". Thankfully they live across the country. But the fact that they play this "poor us, both of our sons are mentally disabled" card that doesn't even apply is SO disturbing.

ETA: I do agree with you to some extent - being a mother is terrifying, because it's hard and as a parent we can take a lot of blame. But as a mom, I would never do the things to my kids that my MIL does. Like having not talked to your son for three years, complaining to anyone and everyone about how horrible it is that he does this to you, and then when he calls you reply "Well I'm going to Curves, I'll talk to you later" and then never follow up with him. I'm sorry, but if I hadn't talked to my son in a few years and he called me saying "Mom, I want to talk. I hate the fact that our relationship is crap" I would skip Curves and stay home to talk to my son. I would drop everything. EVERYTHING. So while I am terrified of being a bad mom or having my kids hate me, I do know that I would do anything for them, and I hope that the well-meaning part helps back up anything I do that is less than perfect.

Bevigal

I was the Black Sheep of my family and I am an only child. My mother and I had a love-hate relationship until the day she died. I nursed her and took care of her. I never could do anything right and she was a master minupulater and control freak. I suffered years of abuse...how did I do it...take care of her to the end...it wasn't easy but I am a survivor! I simply forgave her. You see they are still in control if you give them that permission. When you are so full of hate and contempt....they own you. It took me years to finally figure it out and I prayed to God to help me release the contempt I had all my life for my Mother. It wasn't easy, even when she was terminally ill she asked me to go get her shotgun..".why Mother?", I asked...to blow your sorry f****** head off." I love you Mother", I replied. She looked at me for a long while and finally said..." I love you too!"

BVannillie

My mother is also like this. We practically never speak, and when we do it only lasts a few weeks and we are back to silence. I simply don't know how to deal with her, cutting her off is easier then living with the way she treats me.

meshashesha2012

question...do any of you have siblings? Does it ever seem like your mother ONLY attacks you? And not your siblings?

no siblings, but i grew up in a soap opera type situation where the person i thought was my mom (with the narcissism) was my mother and my real mom was my sister. turns out my grandmother ( AKA CRAZY) manipulated me from my birth mom since my birth mom was still pretty young when she had me (20) and my dad had just been killed in vietnam.

anyway to make a long story short, I became the golden child to my grandmother so she would compare and contrast me to my real mom and my uncle. since i was the golden one, i was spoiled BUT that came at a steep price since her praise and attention was very much conditional and dependent on how well i behaved.

it's interesting looking at the dynamic from the outside because i'm assuming my real mom was the golden child between her and her brother. but my birth mom NEVER grew up. she has the mentality of a teenager. she's never stuck with a job because when she gets bored or doesnt want to do it anymore, she can always quit and go live back with my grandmother. same goes when paying rent. when she decided she didnt want to pay anymore she'd just get evicted and go back and live with my grandmother.

my grandmother doesnt really hold her accountable either. yeah she'll denigrate her and tell her to grow up, but i know secretly (or not so secretly) she loves feeling in control like that.

i'm so glad i at least got away from that dynamic. i definitely have my own issues stemming from how i grew up, but i've always been independent. one of the most prevalent memories i had as a kid was moving the eff away. when i was 18 and went to college i did just that, too. i went to the furthest school i could find. i even lied to my grandmother about where i was applying because when i was starting college i was 17 so technically she could keep me from going. i didnt tell her my school was 1000 miles away until a week before i had to be there :laugh: i pulled an "oh i didnt tell you that's where my chool was? my bad, homey."

Lobster1987

I don't think it's a parent bashing site at all. No child should ever grow up feeling hated by her own mother and being treated like she's unworthy of love and never good enough....like her feelings don't matter. That is NOT normal. If they want to bash their mothers, so be it....unless you've grown up as the scapegoat of the family, you really don't understand it......wanting to be loved and approved of my your mother and it never happening....especially when you did nothing to deserve it.

I have 3 siblings. I'm the oldest-the scapegoat. Katie is next (the brain injury sister, who is now Ruth's little puppet) Shari (the golden child) and aaron my brother...who's also very brainwashed by the mother.

BrendaJaneK

Exactly, it's not parent bashing at all.

It's not accepting adult child abuse.

There's a difference.

meshashesha2012

Exactly, it's not parent bashing at all.

It's not accepting adult child abuse.

There's a difference.

thank you!

i think anyone saying that all parents do this kind of stuff would only be uttered by someone who's a narcissist themselves.
i know people with parents who didnt have to deal with their moms waking them up on a school night at 2/3 AM to tell them how much of a disappointment they are or lay down all their burdens at their kid's feet and expect that 9 year old to give them ideas on what to do :laugh:

i also know people who have parents who never punished their kids for some imagined slight (like deciding to stay an hour after school in the library) by ripping up and throwing away all of their favorite toys while they are gone.

that is not behavior of a well adjusted adult and parents like that should be bashed.

Lobster1987

Exactly, it's not parent bashing at all.

It's not accepting adult child abuse.

There's a difference.

thank you!


that is not behavior of a well adjusted adult and parents like that should be bashed.

AGREED!

ShareeMorty

Sorry, but having read it, that website has really upset me. As if the world doesn't bash mothers enough. Now we aren't even allowed to talk about our own children without being branded a narcissist. There is not a person alive who doesn't do all those things on the list of ways to spot a narcissist.

Some people aren't very nice people, and don't make very good parents. But that website is just an excuse to parent bash, and it's cruel. It smacks of McCarthy-ism. "Watch out! The evil narcissists are EVERYWHERE, hidden amongst you, looking like normal people!".

Try living with a mother like this! I am sorry but sometimes it is your mother's fault. I have felt like a worthless person for 40 years because I didn't understand why my mother hated me and blatantly preferred my brother to me. I nearly had a mental breakdown because of her behaviour. Your statement is akin to saying child abuse doesn't exist. Thankfully there are some great mothers out there - my step mum is one of them.

Savemyshannon

Yes... just yes. I am looking through these replies in shock because for so long I thought I was the only one.

Alliwan

Wow, this fits my mother to a T!!

I swore she had multiple personality disorder when i was younger as she could be a b***h to me one second and overly nice to me the next cause she wanted something. She tried to sell me into prostitution, took all my stuff and destroyed it because i kept one of my paychecks from working at 16 so i could buy clothes without holes in them, would wake me up at 3 am to have me make her chocolate chip pancakes and i had school in the morning, gave me my first dose of speed and then told ppl i was a drug addict, blamed me and physically beat me for the littlest things, like sneezing too loud, or something my little brother or sister did, had me washing all the dishes and scrubbing the bathrooms with a tooth brush by age 5, told me i was stupid, worthless, fat and an ingrate but then flipped out if i ever wanted to go somewhere without her...

i could go on, but why? it seems like a lot here have the same experiences. Its hard for those that havent gone thru it to understand. Everyone thinks your mom's the greatest and never EVER understands what you mean or why you dont like her. Makes you question your own sanity.

It sounds like an excuse, but i know my mother is a lot of the reason why im here on MFP. I still hear her voice in my head, telling me i cant lose weight, ill always be fat, no one will love me anyway...why bother? Its something i have to fight with everyday. Its hard to tell yourself you're worth it, and believe it, when you've heard those negative things for years.

I havent talked much to her for many years, and when i do its always about her and her issues, so i try to keep it all to a minimum.

So sad that there are others who have gone thru it, but glad there's others willing to talk about it adn now we dont feel alone.

christine24t

"I don't care about the good things in you life - all I want to know is what problems you have - you are lying to me - you have problems, you won;t tell me about your problems and because you didn't listen me - you never listen to me - if you hadn't joined the Air Force in 1991 - you would not have the problems in your life that you do now."

So the last time I spoke to my Mom was 2009.

My grandma is like this too. She doesn't want to hear good things. She wants to hear bad things.

Lobster1987

It's such a touchy topic and I'm glad I brought it up. I didn't realize that so many other women have suffered like I did. It's almost comforting now that I can tell you ladies about it and you don't think I'm lying.

The stories never cease to blow me away. Our mothers were/are so cruel.

ElizabethObviously

That is always a fear of mine. That I will say something and people will roll their eyes and say whatever, no mother would say/do that.

2negrita83

I used to always feel bad for disliking my mother.

she's mean, controlling, abusive, list goes on and on.

I've gone months w/o speaking to her and then she plays victim and has others call asking me "why am I hurting my mom by not calling or dissapearing" etc....

whitehairedguy64

Thank you for bringing this topic up. I started reading some of the replies and saw my mother. I also saw my wife.

I did an interne searcht for Narcissistic Spouse, found sites with interesting information, and have just completed some rather interesting reading. Been married for 36 years next month, and for much of those 36 years, it has been quite an ordeal. The description of a narcissistic spouse fits my wife perfectly.

I get blamed for everything, screamed at and endure emotional screaming, crying hissy fits several times a week, and was recently told that I've ruined her life.

As for my mother, I stopped talking to her when she refused to attend my youngest dautghter's wedding, the first of children to get married. My children are step children, I adopted them after marrying my wife.I think of them as my children, not as step children and they regard me as their father, not a step father. My mother didn't accept them because they were not my "natural" children, and therefore were not her grandchildre, son she did not feel "obligated" (a favorite word of hers) to attend the wedding. That was the last straw for me, and I haven't spoken to her, or heard from her, since.

As for my wife, I've felt for a very long time that at the least she was irrational and unstable. So now what?

glovepuppet

Thank you for bringing this topic up. I started reading some of the replies and saw my mother. I also saw my wife.

I did an interne searcht for Narcissistic Spouse, found sites with interesting information, and have just completed some rather interesting reading. Been married for 36 years next month, and for much of those 36 years, it has been quite an ordeal. The description of a narcissistic spouse fits my wife perfectly.

I get blamed for everything, screamed at and endure emotional screaming, crying hissy fits several times a week, and was recently told that I've ruined her life.

As for my mother, I stopped talking to her when she refused to attend my youngest dautghter's wedding, the first of children to get married. My children are step children, I adopted them after marrying my wife.I think of them as my children, not as step children and they regard me as their father, not a step father. My mother didn't accept them because they were not my "natural" children, and therefore were not her grandchildre, son she did not feel "obligated" (a favorite word of hers) to attend the wedding. That was the last straw for me, and I haven't spoken to her, or heard from her, since.

As for my wife, I've felt for a very long time that at the least she was irrational and unstable. So now what?

it's simple really. do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?

Lobster1987

Thank you for bringing this topic up. I started reading some of the replies and saw my mother. I also saw my wife.

I did an interne searcht for Narcissistic Spouse, found sites with interesting information, and have just completed some rather interesting reading. Been married for 36 years next month, and for much of those 36 years, it has been quite an ordeal. The description of a narcissistic spouse fits my wife perfectly.

I get blamed for everything, screamed at and endure emotional screaming, crying hissy fits several times a week, and was recently told that I've ruined her life.

As for my mother, I stopped talking to her when she refused to attend my youngest dautghter's wedding, the first of children to get married. My children are step children, I adopted them after marrying my wife.I think of them as my children, not as step children and they regard me as their father, not a step father. My mother didn't accept them because they were not my "natural" children, and therefore were not her grandchildre, son she did not feel "obligated" (a favorite word of hers) to attend the wedding. That was the last straw for me, and I haven't spoken to her, or heard from her, since.

As for my wife, I've felt for a very long time that at the least she was irrational and unstable. So now what?

it's simple really. do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?

Ditto. They will not change because they do not understand that THEY are the problem. If you are unhappy, you need to leave.

wookiemouse

I am very glad you posted this. My MIL has narcissistic personality disorder. My husband coped with the abuse well when we met, then on his 2nd tour in Iraq he had a near death experience that basically shut his coping mechanisms down. We've been through 6 years of hell and numerous therapies trying to get him back to the man he was. We cut off all contact with his mom 4 years ago but she is trying to break up his brother's marriage now. It just doesn't ever end.

ShareeMorty

Thank you for bringing this topic up. I started reading some of the replies and saw my mother. I also saw my wife.

I did an interne searcht for Narcissistic Spouse, found sites with interesting information, and have just completed some rather interesting reading. Been married for 36 years next month, and for much of those 36 years, it has been quite an ordeal. The description of a narcissistic spouse fits my wife perfectly.

I get blamed for everything, screamed at and endure emotional screaming, crying hissy fits several times a week, and was recently told that I've ruined her life.

As for my mother, I stopped talking to her when she refused to attend my youngest dautghter's wedding, the first of children to get married. My children are step children, I adopted them after marrying my wife.I think of them as my children, not as step children and they regard me as their father, not a step father. My mother didn't accept them because they were not my "natural" children, and therefore were not her grandchildre, son she did not feel "obligated" (a favorite word of hers) to attend the wedding. That was the last straw for me, and I haven't spoken to her, or heard from her, since.

As for my wife, I've felt for a very long time that at the least she was irrational and unstable. So now what?

I guess as far as your wife goes, you need to decide if you can live with her for the rest of your life. Do you want to be 85 and think "why did I stay?"

My Dad left my mum after 38 years of marriage, he spent so long waiting for the right time to leave and finally realised there is no right time. You have to believe you deserve to be treated better than she is treating you. Life is too short for what if's.

Good luck