When do I say something? Do I say something?
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Good luck to you ahealey63! Tough love is hard, but it's sometimes exactly what people need.0
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Could be worse...I've got a brother in law who STILL lives at home, and he just turned 39 a few weeks ago :grumble:
Now THAT's a 'kid' who needs to be kicked out!0 -
I agree with Rachel0040.
Edit - I think it's great that you are taking this opportunity to seek counseling, it all starts with self.
Best of luck to you and your family. 0 -
You may not like this but you need to kick his butt out of your house. Sitting on his butt at home, spending his money on junk food and booze, not paying his bills in a timely manner. He's 22. He's a grown man. Make him act like it.
He's got to take responsibility for himself, his health, and his future. Nothing else is going to change him. Sadly, there's probably nothing you can say or do otherwise to make him change.
Get him out of your house, on his own two feet, and be as loving and supportive of his independence as you can.
Good luck to you.
This is what I was thinking as well.
ETA: Just read the follow up. I think you are on the right road. I think tough love is definitely the right approach. And get them kids outta the haus. You need some empty nest.0 -
I haven't read all of the responses, but here is my opinion - for what it is worth. :flowerforyou:
He is 22. He is not a child, he is an adult. Time to cut the cord, Mama.
Treat him like an adult. You know he knows the consequences of his actions...you can't rescue him. Health wise, or with his finances. Personally, I would be giving him a timeline on finding his own place. 22 is old enough to be responsible for his own business, so stop enabling him. If he fails? Oh well. I know that sounds harsh, but he needs to learn NOW - and he can't do that if you're there to pick up his mess. What are you teaching him? Nothing - other than his Mommy is going to make everything all better. There is a difference between helping our kids and enabling them. Let. Him. Fail. Is it hard to watch? Yes. Does it go against our protective instinct as a Mom? Yes. However, you've got to let him fail...otherwise he will always be looking for someone to fix his problems for him. Tell him that you love him, but he needs to grow up. And then let him.0 -
Hope your "tough love" does not include kicking him out...because the general public does not need the aggravation! This is a mess and as a family, you all need to take responsibility. Your husband needs a backbone and take dominion and leadership over this household. You need to get comfortable with high standards and hold to them. You have signed loan documents with him (not smart!) which increases your responsibility. Untangle this mess in the privacy of your own home, working as a team. Straighten up! You are all smart capable adults, this will be your opportunity to grow as a family in wisdom and skill, and be connected and productive as never before!WOW! I had planned to comment on every reply, but there are so many, I will never be able to! Thank you ALL for your words! I am a firm believer in having a PLAN - a goal without a plan is just a dream.
The PLAN for the finance talk tonight was supposed to be he would give me his account info and password and I would make sure his bills got paid. The weight talk I was thinking about, but now I am going to skip it except to tell him I love him, and if he isn't happy in his life that I hope he knows he can come to me and talk about anything. And THAT'S ALL.
The REVISED PLAN for the finances is going to be to show him a more organized way for HIM to pay his bills on time.
It is adversely affecting me because some are college loans that I cosigned, and he is destroying my credit record.
To those who say Kick his butt out - Yes, I fully believe that once he is on his own, learning everything the HARD way as usual, that he will smarten up and get a grip on his life. My hubby says all the time I make things too easy for him, and he is right.
I moved out of my house when I was 18 and never went back. I lived in a rooming house for 6 weeks sharing a bathroom with a bunch of drunks who puked in there every weekend, and I'd have to clean it up to take my shower to go to work. I lived in a studio apartment in a bad section of town, and often ran out of money before I got to food shopping because I made crap wages and was on my own, and I lived on popcorn and eggs, the cheapest food available at the time.
Thank you all again for your help. I think if he can feel like he can handle the finances on his own and then succeed at it, maybe it will start a chain reaction. And I am calling my husband now to say "You know how I said not to ask dear son for his rent this month? GET THE RENT." Son was saying he had no money, but last night came in with a box of food from Papa Gino's and a 12 pack of beer.
Enough. Tough love here I come.
Oh, and there may be some counseling in my future as well - I really do need to let the children make their own mistakes and learn, not do stuff for them. They are 17, 22 and 24, and they ALL live at home, as well as my mom, and I would LOVE to see light at the end of the tunnel!0 -
Hope your "tough love" does not include kicking him out...because the general public does not need the aggravation! This is a mess and as a family, you all need to take responsibility. Your husband needs a backbone and take dominion and leadership over this household. You need to get comfortable with high standards and hold to them. You have signed loan documents with him (not smart!) which increases your responsibility. Untangle this mess in the privacy of your own home, working as a team. Straighten up! You are all smart capable adults, this will be your opportunity to grow as a family in wisdom and skill, and be connected and productive as never before!WOW! I had planned to comment on every reply, but there are so many, I will never be able to! Thank you ALL for your words! I am a firm believer in having a PLAN - a goal without a plan is just a dream.
The PLAN for the finance talk tonight was supposed to be he would give me his account info and password and I would make sure his bills got paid. The weight talk I was thinking about, but now I am going to skip it except to tell him I love him, and if he isn't happy in his life that I hope he knows he can come to me and talk about anything. And THAT'S ALL.
The REVISED PLAN for the finances is going to be to show him a more organized way for HIM to pay his bills on time.
It is adversely affecting me because some are college loans that I cosigned, and he is destroying my credit record.
To those who say Kick his butt out - Yes, I fully believe that once he is on his own, learning everything the HARD way as usual, that he will smarten up and get a grip on his life. My hubby says all the time I make things too easy for him, and he is right.
I moved out of my house when I was 18 and never went back. I lived in a rooming house for 6 weeks sharing a bathroom with a bunch of drunks who puked in there every weekend, and I'd have to clean it up to take my shower to go to work. I lived in a studio apartment in a bad section of town, and often ran out of money before I got to food shopping because I made crap wages and was on my own, and I lived on popcorn and eggs, the cheapest food available at the time.
Thank you all again for your help. I think if he can feel like he can handle the finances on his own and then succeed at it, maybe it will start a chain reaction. And I am calling my husband now to say "You know how I said not to ask dear son for his rent this month? GET THE RENT." Son was saying he had no money, but last night came in with a box of food from Papa Gino's and a 12 pack of beer.
Enough. Tough love here I come.
Oh, and there may be some counseling in my future as well - I really do need to let the children make their own mistakes and learn, not do stuff for them. They are 17, 22 and 24, and they ALL live at home, as well as my mom, and I would LOVE to see light at the end of the tunnel!
You are wrong. He's 22. An adult. He shouldn't be living with his parents any more. He is NOT their responsibility. He shouldn't be society's either, I agree. But they do not need to take responsibility for an adult. Signing loan documents for students is common among caring parents. Yes, some live to regret it. Most don't. It's time for him to grow up.0 -
Hope your "tough love" does not include kicking him out...because the general public does not need the aggravation! This is a mess and as a family, you all need to take responsibility. Your husband needs a backbone and take dominion and leadership over this household. You need to get comfortable with high standards and hold to them. You have signed loan documents with him (not smart!) which increases your responsibility. Untangle this mess in the privacy of your own home, working as a team. Straighten up! You are all smart capable adults, this will be your opportunity to grow as a family in wisdom and skill, and be connected and productive as never before!WOW! I had planned to comment on every reply, but there are so many, I will never be able to! Thank you ALL for your words! I am a firm believer in having a PLAN - a goal without a plan is just a dream.
The PLAN for the finance talk tonight was supposed to be he would give me his account info and password and I would make sure his bills got paid. The weight talk I was thinking about, but now I am going to skip it except to tell him I love him, and if he isn't happy in his life that I hope he knows he can come to me and talk about anything. And THAT'S ALL.
The REVISED PLAN for the finances is going to be to show him a more organized way for HIM to pay his bills on time.
It is adversely affecting me because some are college loans that I cosigned, and he is destroying my credit record.
To those who say Kick his butt out - Yes, I fully believe that once he is on his own, learning everything the HARD way as usual, that he will smarten up and get a grip on his life. My hubby says all the time I make things too easy for him, and he is right.
I moved out of my house when I was 18 and never went back. I lived in a rooming house for 6 weeks sharing a bathroom with a bunch of drunks who puked in there every weekend, and I'd have to clean it up to take my shower to go to work. I lived in a studio apartment in a bad section of town, and often ran out of money before I got to food shopping because I made crap wages and was on my own, and I lived on popcorn and eggs, the cheapest food available at the time.
Thank you all again for your help. I think if he can feel like he can handle the finances on his own and then succeed at it, maybe it will start a chain reaction. And I am calling my husband now to say "You know how I said not to ask dear son for his rent this month? GET THE RENT." Son was saying he had no money, but last night came in with a box of food from Papa Gino's and a 12 pack of beer.
Enough. Tough love here I come.
Oh, and there may be some counseling in my future as well - I really do need to let the children make their own mistakes and learn, not do stuff for them. They are 17, 22 and 24, and they ALL live at home, as well as my mom, and I would LOVE to see light at the end of the tunnel!
You are wrong. He's 22. An adult. He shouldn't be living with his parents any more. He is NOT their responsibility. He shouldn't be society's either, I agree. But they do not need to take responsibility for an adult. Signing loan documents for students is common among caring parents. Yes, some live to regret it. Most don't. It's time for him to grow up.
a 22 year old living with parents is not a problem. A 40 year old living with parents is not a problem. People taking out loans and not paying them are a problem. Lazy employees are a problem. But if you would like to deal with it, instead of that household dealing with themselves, you are most welcomed!0 -
Hope your "tough love" does not include kicking him out...because the general public does not need the aggravation! This is a mess and as a family, you all need to take responsibility. Your husband needs a backbone and take dominion and leadership over this household. You need to get comfortable with high standards and hold to them. You have signed loan documents with him (not smart!) which increases your responsibility. Untangle this mess in the privacy of your own home, working as a team. Straighten up! You are all smart capable adults, this will be your opportunity to grow as a family in wisdom and skill, and be connected and productive as never before!WOW! I had planned to comment on every reply, but there are so many, I will never be able to! Thank you ALL for your words! I am a firm believer in having a PLAN - a goal without a plan is just a dream.
The PLAN for the finance talk tonight was supposed to be he would give me his account info and password and I would make sure his bills got paid. The weight talk I was thinking about, but now I am going to skip it except to tell him I love him, and if he isn't happy in his life that I hope he knows he can come to me and talk about anything. And THAT'S ALL.
The REVISED PLAN for the finances is going to be to show him a more organized way for HIM to pay his bills on time.
It is adversely affecting me because some are college loans that I cosigned, and he is destroying my credit record.
To those who say Kick his butt out - Yes, I fully believe that once he is on his own, learning everything the HARD way as usual, that he will smarten up and get a grip on his life. My hubby says all the time I make things too easy for him, and he is right.
I moved out of my house when I was 18 and never went back. I lived in a rooming house for 6 weeks sharing a bathroom with a bunch of drunks who puked in there every weekend, and I'd have to clean it up to take my shower to go to work. I lived in a studio apartment in a bad section of town, and often ran out of money before I got to food shopping because I made crap wages and was on my own, and I lived on popcorn and eggs, the cheapest food available at the time.
Thank you all again for your help. I think if he can feel like he can handle the finances on his own and then succeed at it, maybe it will start a chain reaction. And I am calling my husband now to say "You know how I said not to ask dear son for his rent this month? GET THE RENT." Son was saying he had no money, but last night came in with a box of food from Papa Gino's and a 12 pack of beer.
Enough. Tough love here I come.
Oh, and there may be some counseling in my future as well - I really do need to let the children make their own mistakes and learn, not do stuff for them. They are 17, 22 and 24, and they ALL live at home, as well as my mom, and I would LOVE to see light at the end of the tunnel!
You are wrong. He's 22. An adult. He shouldn't be living with his parents any more. He is NOT their responsibility. He shouldn't be society's either, I agree. But they do not need to take responsibility for an adult. Signing loan documents for students is common among caring parents. Yes, some live to regret it. Most don't. It's time for him to grow up.
a 22 year old living with parents is not a problem. A 40 year old living with parents is not a problem. People taking out loans and not paying them are a problem. Lazy employees are a problem. But if you would like to deal with it, instead of that household dealing with themselves, you are most welcomed!
You are being intentionally obtuse. I didn't say society should deal with him. I said he's an adult and it's time for him to deal with himself. He is not his parent's responsibility. It is a problem for a 22 year old to expect his parents to care for him. And it's a problem for you to expect parents to care for their adult children.0 -
^^^^^^^^^^The time to set standards and establish good habits in your children is while they are growing up. Since he is already pretty much an adult obviously that got missed. However, in our (husband and I) house,our standards and our rules apply. PERIOD. I don't care how old he is. There is no way I would put up with anyone walking around my house fat, smoking, drinking, lazy or any other bad habit....disgusting! He would have a schedule and be accountable for it in our home. He had better not make me disgusted, but rather be pleasing, productive and happy, and respectful of what is expected of him. That's the functional definition of RESPONSIBILITY around here: knowing and doing what others expect of you. Create boundaries and have standards!! Have some dominion over your own home! You're creating this bubble for him to live in, and it is totally destructive. WHO'S GONNA PUT UP WITH HIM BESIDES YOU? I sure wouldn't. Employers won't like him. Responsible people won't like him. He'll make people grit their teeth. An awesome woman you'd love as a daughter in law and the mother of your grandchildren won't like him. If you love him, you will hold to standards, firmly, and with a big, happy smile on your face!
Wow...THIS!0 -
He very well could be depressed. Maybe you could approach this issue with love initially instead of of the weight issue. I was depressed and I can say that you get in a huge rut where there are so many things you want to do or change, but because of the depression you just can't bring yourself to do it. If he could talk to his doctor, or I went to a counselor initially and then was referred to a psychologist in order to be prescribed medication. It does take some time to get on the right medication and it can be frustrating, but it was so worth it for me. Once my depression lifted I was able to be motivated again to get the things in my life done that needed to be. Maybe if he could get rid of his depression he would be able to focus on his health and getting things into place.0
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Yes, he goes out and buys crap to eat because I won't buy it. He will buy a huge order of buffalo wings, tell me it is for 2 meals, then eat it in one sitting in front of the tv.
I am supposed to sit down with him tonite and go over finances (he isn't paying his bills on time!) and I was thinking of broaching the subject that way. He is just soooooo stubborn! It's like I can "hear" his responses when I try to think about how to go about it. "I'm worried about your health" = response "I can take care of myself, don't worry about me" as he thinks to himself, She can't run my life.
My husband and I know our son learns EVERYTHING the hard way - he NEVER listens to advice, then after a catastrophe (financial, job, girlfriend, etc.) will say, I guess I should have listened to you. I don't want him to have a health catastrope! He has already had a number of health issues, and his doctor has told him multiple times that these issues would clear up if he would lose weight. Then he gains more.
I don't want him to end up having a heart attack! :-(
Tried Therapy? There's something that's bothering him and it seems that he's building a wall around himself with food and weight.
I would try therapy and see if he'll talk to someone about the issue's he's having, and hopefully that will help.0 -
The finance talk went well, we did not discuss health or weight except that he is going to cancel his gym membership because he does not use it, and join a different gym that is closer and hopefully more what he wants in a gym.
I told him I want him to move out, not because I don't want him there anymore, but because I know he'd love the independence it brings. He agreed that a goal without a plan is just a dream, and right now getting his own place is only a dream, and he is going to get a plan in place. The goal is his own place by 12/1.
He is going to start logging every dime he spends, and we will review in a week and work out a 1) budget for spending money and 2) bill paying system for HIM to do and 3) a "pay myself first" attitude about saving money.
Thanks again for all your supportive and eye opening answers. It was especially helpful to hear from adult children - I appreciate your candidness.0 -
The finance talk went well, we did not discuss health or weight except that he is going to cancel his gym membership because he does not use it, and join a different gym that is closer and hopefully more what he wants in a gym.
I told him I want him to move out, not because I don't want him there anymore, but because I know he'd love the independence it brings. He agreed that a goal without a plan is just a dream, and right now getting his own place is only a dream, and he is going to get a plan in place. The goal is his own place by 12/1.
He is going to start logging every dime he spends, and we will review in a week and work out a 1) budget for spending money and 2) bill paying system for HIM to do and 3) a "pay myself first" attitude about saving money.
Thanks again for all your supportive and eye opening answers. It was especially helpful to hear from adult children - I appreciate your candidness.
Sounds great! I'm glad things are working out for you.0 -
Can you buy him some home weight lifting equipment (barbell, weights, dumbell, bench)? Working out at home is easy, as you can do it in private, and it is right there, so hard to find excuses. I am a basement exerciser, and love it!!!0
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He sounds depressed and may be self medicating with both food and alchohol. I find the best thing to combat depression is to exercise if he refuses maybe he needs to try medication. You don't mention his friends. Its really important that he have supportive friends if he is to conquer his unhealthy lifestyle. Also is he a student or does he work? He may be unhappy in his job as well. You mentioned he used to be in many sports maybe he could get involved in an adult team sport? Maybe his gym has something-YMCA's often do. Sounds like you are a loving mom and I hope you are able to help out of this unhealthy lifestyle.0
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I had a similar discussion with my daughter. She is 17 and quite overweight. She's watched me work hard to lose over 90 pounds. I waited to see if SHE would express any desire to follow my example and she did. When she did, I made it a point to tell her how beautiful and perfect she is (of course) and then explained to her the health benefits of losing weight and being fit. I gave her my bicycle and I've taken up running and don't use it anymore, and she started riding along with me on my runs.
She's slowly started to lose some weight, she's almost give up those awful "energy drinks" (she likes Monster) and she's started eating a lot more green food and a lot less fast food.
I always try to be encouraging with her, letting her know that I'm concerned only with her health and overall happiness. She's responded well because she knows I'm not simply "picking on her".0 -
The finance talk went well, we did not discuss health or weight except that he is going to cancel his gym membership because he does not use it, and join a different gym that is closer and hopefully more what he wants in a gym.
I told him I want him to move out, not because I don't want him there anymore, but because I know he'd love the independence it brings. He agreed that a goal without a plan is just a dream, and right now getting his own place is only a dream, and he is going to get a plan in place. The goal is his own place by 12/1.
He is going to start logging every dime he spends, and we will review in a week and work out a 1) budget for spending money and 2) bill paying system for HIM to do and 3) a "pay myself first" attitude about saving money.
Thanks again for all your supportive and eye opening answers. It was especially helpful to hear from adult children - I appreciate your candidness.
That sounds like a great plan! I don't necessarily agree with all the people saying a 22 year old shouldn't be living home. If they are honestly working on getting themselves off to a great start in life I think it's a great thing. Now that you son has a plan, I'm sure you are breathing easier!
My daughter is 22, lives home and is still "taken care of" by us financially (we don't give her money, but she lives here without having to pay for anything). And before anyone thinks I am enabling a problem... She just graduated university and is a brand new Registered Nurse. She plans to live home for 1 more year while saving $30,000 as a down payment on a house. She has no student loan debt and at 23 will have a career that pays well and a brand new house. She is moving forward and as her parents, we are helping her start her life in the best possible circumstances we can manage. We are very proud of the fact that we are able to do this for our kids. However, the moment they stop working on bettering themselves, I will require them to pay room and board while they figure out where they will be living when I show them to the door!0 -
The finance talk went well, we did not discuss health or weight except that he is going to cancel his gym membership because he does not use it, and join a different gym that is closer and hopefully more what he wants in a gym.
I told him I want him to move out, not because I don't want him there anymore, but because I know he'd love the independence it brings. He agreed that a goal without a plan is just a dream, and right now getting his own place is only a dream, and he is going to get a plan in place. The goal is his own place by 12/1.
He is going to start logging every dime he spends, and we will review in a week and work out a 1) budget for spending money and 2) bill paying system for HIM to do and 3) a "pay myself first" attitude about saving money.
Thanks again for all your supportive and eye opening answers. It was especially helpful to hear from adult children - I appreciate your candidness.
That sounds like a great plan! I don't necessarily agree with all the people saying a 22 year old shouldn't be living home. If they are honestly working on getting themselves off to a great start in life I think it's a great thing. Now that you son has a plan, I'm sure you are breathing easier!
My daughter is 22, lives home and is still "taken care of" by us financially (we don't give her money, but she lives here without having to pay for anything). And before anyone thinks I am enabling a problem... She just graduated university and is a brand new Registered Nurse. She plans to live home for 1 more year while saving $30,000 as a down payment on a house. She has no student loan debt and at 23 will have a career that pays well and a brand new house. She is moving forward and as her parents, we are helping her start her life in the best possible circumstances we can manage. We are very proud of the fact that we are able to do this for our kids. The moment they stop working on bettering themselves, I will require them to pay room and board while they figure out where they will be living when I show them to the door!
Your situation is not the same as the OP's. Your daughter is working and going to school. Her son is not paying his bills, not going to school, and has no direction.0 -
My mother was very concerned. She put me on the Mayo Clinic Diet (the actual one, she worked at the Mayo Clinic) when I was 4. I was a slightly chunky 4 year old.
When I was 8, she would send me to my grandmother every summer for a three month diet boot camp. That's where I learned to sneak food, not because I was hungry, but because I wanted some kind of control. They put me on Diet Center, and I chugged grape soda in a closet.
The more they harped on my weight, the higher the numbers went while I pretty much tried to prove that there was more to me than the numbers on the scale.
I was 17 when my mom found the article on stomach stapling. It was 1987. I was one of the youngest people to have it done back before it became the cool thing to do. In fact, because I was so young, they did a modification, painting my staple line with Teflon to keep it strong. Except that it didn't work, ruined my digestive system, and because of the Teflon, can't be modified.
The best thing about having a ruined digestive sysem that now makes it all but impossible to diet is that it saved my relationship with my mother. She hasn't said a word about my weight in 24 years.
Just be there for him if he decides he's ready. He'll need support then. Until then, everything you say makes him feel like he's drowning in criticism and the food is the only rope he has.0
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