my son steals food

Amryfal

i don't know if this is the proper place to air this, but i need some help.

my 12-year-old son gets up in the middle of the night and steals food. and i mean, he goes through everything and binges. he drank half a gallon of milk last night. last week, he ate a dozen of the no-bake chocolate cookies i made.

this has been an ongoing problem. i thought we had it solved a few years ago - but he went to live with his dad during the school year, and gained a lot of weight - he's never been obese but his genetics (my genetics, heh) predispose him to that. i didn't get on him because my family was on me ALL THE TIME and it didn't make a bit of difference except to give me an eating disorder. this year when he arrived he was in much better shape, a typical growing 11-almost-12 year old, and i thought, ok, we've got this. but apparently not.

i had a Serious Talk with him after the cookies - i showed him this site and what i do to make up for a lifetime of binge eating and subsequent anorexia, and i cried. i told him he doesn't want to go through this. i threatened to make him exercise off his binges, after showing him how many calories worth of cookies he consumed. he rode the exercise bike, but apparently it didn't make a dent.

i want him to have a healthy relationship with food. not...what i went through growing up. since he doesn't live with me year-round, i'm not sure there's much i can do, but i can't lock down every item of food in the house, you know? and doing that won't solve his bingeing. he's not on my insurance and his father's is state-specific, so i can't take him to a counselor, nor would it help since he'll be back at his dad's in a month. my ex poo-poos my worries and tells me he's growing, whatever. nothing much i can do there either.

what can i tell my son that might make a difference? what can i do when he's here?

EvanKeel

Depending how likely he is to seek food elsewhere, you could just buy "healthier" food that's he's not likely to binge on. I use the quotes because what constitutes healthy is a whole other can of worms.Perhaps there are free services available that might be able to give you advice as well?

Having been a 12 year old boy, the "he's just growing" argument is deceptive because there's a grain of truth to it. I was ravenous, and I wasn't even active. I didn't get particularly overweight until I was in my 20s, though. If he wants to eat like a growing boy, let him, just do what you can to limit his access to foods that may not be the best for him a little.

wendy1024

I hope you don't mind but I'd like to offer my thoughts and reactions to this. I like your idea about counseling because it seems like there is something going one besides some mad desire/enjoyment for food. I personally used food like a drug, similar to the way an alcoholic uses alcohol, for many years and it not because I was ever really hungry or just enjoyed cookies THAT much. Binge eating for me was about self destruction. Having said that, there must be somewhere in your state that offers counseling on a sliding scale or free, particularly to a minor. Maybe even through his school.

As far as what you can say to him, talking about healthy relationships with food is a good start. Maybe try to take the focus off food for a while and see if you can find out what other things are on his mind that might be triggering the late night binges. Maybe there are some feelings around school or girls or friends or even the two of you that are the underlying cause of the food binges....Best wishes!!

ElizabethRoad

I know you said it's been a problem before, and I'm sure you know your son well enough, but...

Thinking back to when I was a teenager (and pretty underweight, at that), a half gallon of milk and a dozen cookies would not have been remarkable for me. And my brother was even worse. I realize your son is not quite a teenager but he's getting to that age... are you sure it's a problem and not just a growth spurt?

jenlarz

Thats a tough one. Maybe make a deal about if he's hungry at night to be able to get up and have a healthy snack instead of cookies? or 1 cookie and a healthy snack? I think teaching him about good choices and what too much junk can lead to is a good start. Just keep it up and lead by example. Good luck!

lil_pulp

I highly recommend therapy and highly UN-recommend (there must be a real word for this...) threats of any kind.

ElizabethRoad

I am a little concerned with the terminology. A kid getting up for a midnight snack isn't stealing anything, unless you've made some pretty restrictive rules about what and when he can eat. That could lead to some unhealthy behaviors if he feels insecure about having access to food.

ElizabethRoad

I highly recommend therapy and highly UN-recommend (there must be a real word for this...) threats of any kind.

"discourage"

i_love_pickles

In my opinion i would replace the high sugary stuff with a healthier option and i would put him on a calorie based diet make sure he is getting what he needs and is filled so in the middle of the night he isnt wanting to snack break the bad habbit before it is to late i would also suggest getting him a pack of gum and tell him whenever he feels the need to snack to chew a piece of gum

auroranflash

Don't threaten him and try your best not to reflect your past issues with food and your relationship with eating onto him, or else you'll create the same situation you're trying to avoid.

It may not be healthy to binge on snack foods, but it's not unusual and kids go through all sorts of stages in their life... my only suggestion would be, try not to overreact and make it into a huge issue, keep the fear you feel out of it. Just talk to him like a person and show him respect, offer ways to keep both of you active to counteract it. Hopefully everything will balance itself out.

tami101

It really is a tough call. I would suggest not having junk food in the house if your worried about him devouring it. I can tell you that at that age, boys can EAT!!! They will eat everything in sight. You need to keep him moving though. Make sure he is outside playing not just sitting inside playing video games or watching tv. Good luck!

kateanne27

Trying to punish him with excercise (which is how a 12 y/old would prob see it) and crying about your own struggles arent going to help him have a healthy relationship with food. Neither is locking it up. Does he participate in healthy lifestyle choices during the day, do you include him in a healthy lifestyle with you? Have you had counseling for your eating disorder/the issues you have with food?

Also, is he on any medications? I was on ADHD meds at that age, they suppressed my appetite during the day, I wouldn't have the stomach for breakfast or lunch, but would wake up starving at night and eat lots of ice cream at 1 in the morning.

Meg_78

What is his diet like otherwise? Is he eating low cal, or particularly high carb (lots of sugars and starches? which can lead to more hunger) because it could simple be that he is hungry. Growing children can easily need 2000 calories a day, if he is eating a balanced diet with proper amounts of carbs, Proteins and mostly healthy fats, then a growth spurt could also be the issue. I'm not sure I would call that milk and cookie thing a binge though, but if you are worried about him eating like that then don't provide those choices so if he wants to eat/snack etc, the stuff available is healthy.

twimom03

Your post hit home with me because my niece (15) used to live with me and she would also sneak food in the middle of the night. I can't tell you how many wrappers and empty containers I would find...spoons in the linen closet and empty ice cream containers. I never ever deprived her of food, I simply asked her not to sneak. All that was asked of her was to not eat in her room. Like your son, they know that we will find out simply by the large amount of food missing and wrappers being hid under the bed, inside drawers, and coat pockets. If I asked my kids who ate a whole box of granola bras in one day...she would tell me that she hated that kind but yet I would find the wrappers in her room. So as I said, I feel where you are coming from..it is frustrating and most of all, we want to help our loved one.

While I don't have the magic answer for you...I can share how I helped my niece. I feel as though she has never had a good image of herself and she has an issue eating in front of others. While she has battled a weight issue all of her life, she feels as though she has to eat in private and when she does, she eats a large amount. You are right, you can't "lock down every item of food in the house." He has to develop a healthy relationship with food and hopefully his father can help with that as well when he moves back in with him. I used to have my niece sit down at all meals with us and I would involve her with the meal planning. I would also walk with her everyday and this also gave her motivation to eat healthy.

I know that you mentioned that seeing a therapist is out of the question at this point in time but that really would be the best possible help for him. Unfortunately, nothing you can say or do may give him the help that he needs. Binge eating is a psychological disorder in which Cognitive behavioral therapy would certainly help him to change his unhealthy behavior.

It is great that he has the support and love that he needs from you. As you stated, you have dealt with having an eating disorder. Maybe together you could both research the various health risks associated with unhealthy eating and make a plan with him in which he can follow when he moves back with his dad. If his father is not on board, then the poor kid will have no choice then to eat what is in the house.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Amryfal

I know you said it's been a problem before, and I'm sure you know your son well enough, but...

Thinking back to when I was a teenager (and pretty underweight, at that), a half gallon of milk and a dozen cookies would not have been remarkable for me. And my brother was even worse. I realize your son is not quite a teenager but he's getting to that age... are you sure it's a problem and not just a growth spurt?

i have thought about that. but i offer him food whenever he's hungry, i don't tell him no snacks unless it's within an hour of when food will be put on the table, and i never control his portions - if he wants to eat six hot dogs, whatever. he doesn't typically. his younger brother went through three gigantic bowls of chili last night and i was like, go for it.

he isn't eating excessively during the day, or i wouldn't worry. and yeah, a midnight snack is totally cool for a growing boy and all, but ravaging the refrigerator in secret to get at the "treats" (the very few things i occasionally keep in the house) and eating ALL of them is not ok. it was a pattern before, and i had to stop keeping anything good in the house.

a dozen oreos may not be a huge issue, but the chocolate no-bake cookies are candy, peanut butter, and oat bombs, and pack about 125 calories apiece - so that's not a typical midnight snack, it's a problem with an uncontrollable sweet tooth. just like i had. and to boot, he appears to have my metabolism and energy level. not ideal. the fact that he's hiding it, like i used to, scares the crap out of me.

lil_pulp

I highly recommend therapy and highly UN-recommend (there must be a real word for this...) threats of any kind.

"discourage"

Thanks.

Amryfal

the milk and cookie thing may not be a "binge" but three drumstick ice cream cones at a pop? that were meant for everyone to share?

i really, really, really appreciate the feedback, everyone.

arathena720

I don't think there's anything you can tell him that is going to help. It will only seem like nagging. I would get rid of all the junkfood in your house if it worries you. Keep it stocked with good healthy food, once in a while both of you make some cookies together and give most of them away, and let him eat as much as he wants without saying a word. But if he's not even with you for nine months out of the year (I'm assuming, since you said he spends the school year with his dad) make the three months you have him count.

slrrese

Don't cry.
Asked him if he knows why he does this? * in a very non accusatory way!
Talk to him and explore with him to try and help him figure out why he does this, so you can help him.
Is he your biological child or adopted? I have heard of kids that are adopted and that is the only way they got food before they were in the house they are in now.

If you can't do this then get help- for him and for you.

Amryfal

Trying to punish him with excercise (which is how a 12 y/old would prob see it) and crying about your own struggles arent going to help him have a healthy relationship with food. Neither is locking it up. Does he participate in healthy lifestyle choices during the day, do you include him in a healthy lifestyle with you? Have you had counseling for your eating disorder/the issues you have with food?

Also, is he on any medications? I was on ADHD meds at that age, they suppressed my appetite during the day, I wouldn't have the stomach for breakfast or lunch, but would wake up starving at night and eat lots of ice cream at 1 in the morning.

no meds. and yeah, i was trying to have a reasonable conversation and show him exactly what the things he is doing led to for me, and how much effort it is to burn off extra calories. the crying was a side effect of struggling to convey how serious i find this, hoping that he would get it, since shrugging it off for years apparently hasn't helped.

no, i haven't had therapy. being without insurance for long periods of time make that impossible.

jdavis193

i don't know if this is the proper place to air this, but i need some help.

my 12-year-old son gets up in the middle of the night and steals food. and i mean, he goes through everything and binges. he drank half a gallon of milk last night. last week, he ate a dozen of the no-bake chocolate cookies i made.

this has been an ongoing problem. i thought we had it solved a few years ago - but he went to live with his dad during the school year, and gained a lot of weight - he's never been obese but his genetics (my genetics, heh) predispose him to that. i didn't get on him because my family was on me ALL THE TIME and it didn't make a bit of difference except to give me an eating disorder. this year when he arrived he was in much better shape, a typical growing 11-almost-12 year old, and i thought, ok, we've got this. but apparently not.

i had a Serious Talk with him after the cookies - i showed him this site and what i do to make up for a lifetime of binge eating and subsequent anorexia, and i cried. i told him he doesn't want to go through this. i threatened to make him exercise off his binges, after showing him how many calories worth of cookies he consumed. he rode the exercise bike, but apparently it didn't make a dent.

i want him to have a healthy relationship with food. not...what i went through growing up. since he doesn't live with me year-round, i'm not sure there's much i can do, but i can't lock down every item of food in the house, you know? and doing that won't solve his bingeing. he's not on my insurance and his father's is state-specific, so i can't take him to a counselor, nor would it help since he'll be back at his dad's in a month. my ex poo-poos my worries and tells me he's growing, whatever. nothing much i can do there either.

what can i tell my son that might make a difference? what can i do when he's here?

I am sorry that you are going through this with him. I know it is frustrating. I do believe counseling is the best thing. I sthere something going on with him while he is at his dad's? You guys can also sit down and watch Extreme makeover weightloss edition sunday nights. That will show the struggle and pain they go through when they become obese.