my son steals food

Amryfal

I am a little concerned with the terminology. A kid getting up for a midnight snack isn't stealing anything, unless you've made some pretty restrictive rules about what and when he can eat. That could lead to some unhealthy behaviors if he feels insecure about having access to food.

i don't restrict him, and if he wants to eat at midnight, that's fine. but not getting up and cleaning out every bit of candy, ice cream, cookies, or whatever else he can find and hiding it.

kateanne27

Trying to punish him with excercise (which is how a 12 y/old would prob see it) and crying about your own struggles arent going to help him have a healthy relationship with food. Neither is locking it up. Does he participate in healthy lifestyle choices during the day, do you include him in a healthy lifestyle with you? Have you had counseling for your eating disorder/the issues you have with food?

Also, is he on any medications? I was on ADHD meds at that age, they suppressed my appetite during the day, I wouldn't have the stomach for breakfast or lunch, but would wake up starving at night and eat lots of ice cream at 1 in the morning.

no meds. and yeah, i was trying to have a reasonable conversation and show him exactly what the things he is doing led to for me, and how much effort it is to burn off extra calories. the crying was a side effect of struggling to convey how serious i find this, hoping that he would get it, since shrugging it off for years apparently hasn't helped.

no, i haven't had therapy. being without insurance for long periods of time make that impossible.

If it were me, having someone cry about it would make it seem even more intimidating, especially for a 12 boy, I have had to have the 'honey your eating an aweful lot lately, are you really this hungry or is there something going on we need to talk about' talk with my 13 year old stepdaughter recently, at that age kids are having trouble with understanding their own emotions, our becoming emotional about it could just make it more confusing/ make eating a bigger issue than it should be in a healthy lifestyle. Thats just my take in dealing with my girl.

Amryfal

Your post hit home with me because my niece (15) used to live with me and she would also sneak food in the middle of the night. I can't tell you how many wrappers and empty containers I would find...spoons in the linen closet and empty ice cream containers. I never ever deprived her of food, I simply asked her not to sneak. All that was asked of her was to not eat in her room. Like your son, they know that we will find out simply by the large amount of food missing and wrappers being hid under the bed, inside drawers, and coat pockets. If I asked my kids who ate a whole box of granola bras in one day...she would tell me that she hated that kind but yet I would find the wrappers in her room. So as I said, I feel where you are coming from..it is frustrating and most of all, we want to help our loved one.

While I don't have the magic answer for you...I can share how I helped my niece. I feel as though she has never had a good image of herself and she has an issue eating in front of others. While she has battled a weight issue all of her life, she feels as though she has to eat in private and when she does, she eats a large amount. You are right, you can't "lock down every item of food in the house." He has to develop a healthy relationship with food and hopefully his father can help with that as well when he moves back in with him. I used to have my niece sit down at all meals with us and I would involve her with the meal planning. I would also walk with her everyday and this also gave her motivation to eat healthy.

I know that you mentioned that seeing a therapist is out of the question at this point in time but that really would be the best possible help for him. Unfortunately, nothing you can say or do may give him the help that he needs. Binge eating is a psychological disorder in which Cognitive behavioral therapy would certainly help him to change his unhealthy behavior.

It is great that he has the support and love that he needs from you. As you stated, you have dealt with having an eating disorder. Maybe together you could both research the various health risks associated with unhealthy eating and make a plan with him in which he can follow when he moves back with his dad. If his father is not on board, then the poor kid will have no choice then to eat what is in the house.

Good luck and keep us posted!

thank you for this. once i move back closer to where he lives with his dad, maybe i can make more of a difference.

iLoveMyPitbull1225

With your history of an eating disorder, I understand your concern but I would not jump to conclusions. He is a 12 year old boy, growing boys do eat alot. Maybe not 12 cookies in the middle of the night, but like another poster said, it is not completely unheard of for a young male to have a decent appetite. MY boyfriend is 23 and still eats like 3 times and much as I do.

Anyways, I think you should have a conversation with him. Ask him how he is doing, why he did this, and further more limit his availability to junk foods if its the nutritional content you are worried about. Keep more healthy stuff and no cookies or ice cream or whatever. He is only 12 so its not like he can drive to burger king.

If you are seriously concerned, you might wanna look into therapy options, especially if the behavior escalates.

ElizabethRoad

I am a little concerned with the terminology. A kid getting up for a midnight snack isn't stealing anything, unless you've made some pretty restrictive rules about what and when he can eat. That could lead to some unhealthy behaviors if he feels insecure about having access to food.

i don't restrict him, and if he wants to eat at midnight, that's fine. but not getting up and cleaning out every bit of candy, ice cream, cookies, or whatever else he can find and hiding it.

But why do you call it stealing? If he's not restricted then it's just a kid having a snack. I'm guessing that he's picked up on this attitude and that's why he feels like he has to hide it. Especially under threat of punishment.

Amryfal

If it were me, having someone cry about it would make it seem even more intimidating, especially for a 12 boy, I have had to have the 'honey your eating an aweful lot lately, are you really this hungry or is there something going on we need to talk about' talk with my 13 year old stepdaughter recently, at that age kids are having trouble with understanding their own emotions, our becoming emotional about it could just make it more confusing/ make eating a bigger issue than it should be in a healthy lifestyle. Thats just my take in dealing with my girl.

thank you. overly emotional mom is probably not helping the matter. *sigh*

pookeyism

I didn't have time to read all of the posts, so I apologize I feel certain I am just repeating what has probably been said.

I can't tell you how to fix this - has he admitted to doing it? My huband does it in this semi-sleep state...he will eat butter...BUTTER...not remember it, wake up feeling like crap.

Beyond that you can quite literally lock up food. it is not the oldest concept. "Kitchen is closed" can literally mean that. If we had a different floorplan I would do that myself, and put a smal fridge in the wetbar for overnight stuff.

Also, he can't eat what is not in your home. You may have to decide if the cookies and such are worth it.

Exercize with him every day, and find things he likes to do. Muscles = calories burned. maybe can't fix it but knock out the dent a bit.

Make sure he is taking a sport in school.

Hope some or all helps.

Amryfal

I am a little concerned with the terminology. A kid getting up for a midnight snack isn't stealing anything, unless you've made some pretty restrictive rules about what and when he can eat. That could lead to some unhealthy behaviors if he feels insecure about having access to food.

i don't restrict him, and if he wants to eat at midnight, that's fine. but not getting up and cleaning out every bit of candy, ice cream, cookies, or whatever else he can find and hiding it.

But why do you call it stealing? If he's not restricted then it's just a kid having a snack. I'm guessing that he's picked up on this attitude and that's why he feels like he has to hide it. Especially under threat of punishment.

um, so he should be able to eat ~1400 calories of pure sugar any time he feels like it?

Amryfal

I am a little concerned with the terminology. A kid getting up for a midnight snack isn't stealing anything, unless you've made some pretty restrictive rules about what and when he can eat. That could lead to some unhealthy behaviors if he feels insecure about having access to food.

i don't restrict him, and if he wants to eat at midnight, that's fine. but not getting up and cleaning out every bit of candy, ice cream, cookies, or whatever else he can find and hiding it.

But why do you call it stealing? If he's not restricted then it's just a kid having a snack. I'm guessing that he's picked up on this attitude and that's why he feels like he has to hide it. Especially under threat of punishment.

and i call it "stealing" because there are five people in the house, and if he eats an entire batch of treats that were for everyone to share, it's selfish, and if i've told him "don't eat *all* of this because it's not fair to everyone else" and he does it anyway and hides it, there's a problem there.

MeMyCatsandI

Have you considered that he might have a sleeping disorder??

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Night_eating_syndrome
http://www.sleepassociation.org/index.php?p=sleepeating
http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/guide/sleep-related-eating-disorders
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/04/07/binge-eating-during-sleep/

I think you need to stop threatening him and stop thinking he is doing this on purpose (i.e. STEALING!) Even if he doesn't have an actual sleep disorder (which you won't know unless you take him to a doctor), he clearly has some type of emotional of psychologoical need that should be addressed.

dayone987

Like others posted youg men sometimes seem like they have no end to their appetite. My husband tells me that he used mixing bowls for cereal as a "snack" cuz regular bowls wouldn't hold enough.

I would keep more healthy food that he can eat if he's hungry (like pb sandwiches). Confronting him about what he eats is just going to make him hide it more not eat less.

Not to be harsh but perhaps you are projecting your emtoional issues with food and weight onto him. He could simply be hungry and like many of us he'd rather eat cookies than carrots sticks if they are available.

Mina133842

I also used to sneak food as a kid - and my mom found out (of course) and kept asking why? I really couldn't tell her at the time, but I've battled my weight all my life, and so has she. I can tell you I have 4 brothers, and growing up with brothers that can eat you out of house and home, and especially if their friends are over- we were going through milk and cereal like nobody's business, and all my "healthy" cereal I would pick out and sometimes buy myself, would be gone. Mom had to finally put her foot down about the friends eating over, but for the most part that's normal boy stuff I guess. I agree with other posters, maybe keep the goodies out of the house, and if you are all getting a treat to share, just get it at that time- so smaller box of ice cream cones, or smaller carton, etc. as for the cookies, and things, those are MY downfall. I usually have to just portion it out into Tupperware or snack cups/snack baggies, so that it's in an actual portion - I do this as soon as it comes home from the store, that way you actually see what a serving IS, and have it ready to go- so ONE serving of cookies at night is okay.
or my friend has a "snack basket" at her house - granola bars, fruit snacks, etc - anything in the basket is okay - again in ONE serving. I keep fruit at my house too - open bowl on the table of apples, bananas, oranges, and whatever else on sale, and a bowl of grapes in the fridge- washed and off the vine, ready to go- my kids love to "sneak" grapes out of the fridge.

Monny287

It's hard, because as others have pointed out, this might just be the first signs of a growth spurt. When I was between the ages of 10 and 12, I felt like I ate my body weight in food every day. I couldn't get enough. I was also a fairly active child and spent 75% of the year in some kind of sport, but even when I wasn't doing any sports, I ate like a linebacker. I also outgrew all my clothes in a six month period and grew 6-7 inches in that two years, so we definitely knew it was a growth spurt.

You mentioned that he came to you skinnier this year as opposed to previous ones. I wonder if his dad put his foot down on junk food, and he's binging just because he's not allowed that kind of food at his other home? And he might be hiding it because he's afraid he'll get in trouble for it. In which case, offer it to him in moderation. No free-loading on the junk. Perhaps leave him a midnight snack of three cookies and a banana, and hide the rest. Teach him it's okay to have some, but binging is unhealthy.

I don't think taking the junk food entirely out of the house is going to help. He'll just binge on it when he gets older and is more able to buy his own food. It shouldn't be forbidden...forbidden foods just heighten the craving. Not to mention the little brother will feel as though he's being punished for something he didn't do, and resentment might form between brothers.

MeMyCatsandI

QUOTE:
"um, so he should be able to eat ~1400 calories of pure sugar any time he feels like it?"

He's a child. If you don't provide sugary treats, he can't consume 1400 calories of sugary treats.

QUOTE:
"and i call it "stealing" because there are five people in the house, and if he eats an entire batch of treats that were for everyone to share, it's selfish, and if i've told him "don't eat *all* of this because it's not fair to everyone else" and he does it anyway and hides it, there's a problem there. "

You're really placing a lot of blame on your son. I realize that you're frustrated, but perhaps you need to try harder to be frustrated by the situation and NOT frustrated with your son. And keep in mind, he's probably AS frustrated or MORE frustrated than you are!

ETA: sorry, my quote boxes diappeared!

Amryfal

once again, thanks everyone who has answered.

therapy would be the best, but one or two appointments before he goes home to his dad's isn't going to do much.

honestly, i stopped binge-eating because i finally, at 36, realized what i was doing. if someone had grabbed sixteen-year-old me and said, "OMG, YOU ARE EATING HALF A CAKE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT SO NO ONE SEES YOU, YOU NEED TO STOP IT RIGHT NOW!" then maybe i wouldn't be where i am.

vim_n_vigor

I know you said it's been a problem before, and I'm sure you know your son well enough, but...

Thinking back to when I was a teenager (and pretty underweight, at that), a half gallon of milk and a dozen cookies would not have been remarkable for me. And my brother was even worse. I realize your son is not quite a teenager but he's getting to that age... are you sure it's a problem and not just a growth spurt?

I kind of have to agree here. I know I ate non-stop. When my brother was that age - holy crap! He could have eaten a whole horse in one sitting. Maybe he did and I just wasn't there!

Amryfal

QUOTE:
"m, so he should be able to eat ~1400 calories of pure sugar any time he feels like it?"

He's a child. If you don't provide sugary treats, he can't consume 1400 calories of sugary treats.

QUOTE:
"and i call it "stealing" because there are five people in the house, and if he eats an entire batch of treats that were for everyone to share, it's selfish, and if i've told him "don't eat *all* of this because it's not fair to everyone else" and he does it anyway and hides it, there's a problem there. "

You're really placing a lot of blame on your son. I realize that you're frustrated, but perhaps you need to try harder to be frustrated by the situation and NOT frustrated with your son. And keep in mind, he's probably AS frustrated or MORE frustrated than you are!

ETA: sorry, my quote boxes diappeared!

i do try to keep these things in mind, and i haven't shaken my fist and yelled at him that he's stealing. a lot of what i'm saying is personal frustration over gut-knowing what he's going through.

but really...no one should be able to have cookies once in a while because he has a problem with it? that doesn't solve his problem, it just shelves it until he's old enough to go to the store.

tajour

i didn't get on him because my family was on me ALL THE TIME and it didn't make a bit of difference except to give me an eating disorder. this year when he arrived he was in much better shape, a typical growing 11-almost-12 year old, and i thought, ok, we've got this. but apparently not.

Don't "get on him". You already know what happens with that. Instead, try to model healthy habits and keep the binge-easy foods out of the house.

No bake cookies are the devil's food of choice. I know this. When I was in my early teens, I would make a batch JUST FOR MYSELF after school when no one else was home. I'd hide it in the closet and eat the entire thing within two days.

My daughter is 13, and this week has made these VERY SAME cookies on two nights after I went to bed. At least she isn't hiding them in her closet like I was, but still... I know where you're coming from.

I've been using the recipe calculator regularly at family meals and don't keep my calorie counting results secret from my family. Every single homemade goodie gets run through it and they get to know just how many calories each cookie is. Has it helped? Meh. I'm not sure. But I'm not preaching, just informing. I do that with my increased activity too, and my daughter has joined me in Couch to 5K.

One other thing, my son put on a lot of weight when he was about your son's age. For a year, I worried in silence, as he grew out but not up. The following year he shot up 6 inches and everything stretched into place. He towers over me now.

So I guess, my advice would be to keep modeling the healthy habits and not focus on him. It will work out.

Bobby_Clerici

We have 5 kids, and anything within reach gets devoured like locust were here.
I have a lock on the freezer, fridge and cupboard.
Problem solved!
No need for a shrink and none of our kids are fatties or bingers. :drinker:

Sometimes parents need to just take charge.

NoAdditives

A professional therapist is really the only person who can help with something like this.