my son steals food

tajour

It sounds like your household is going through a bit of turmoil and your son is picking up on that. I'm jumping the gun here, but it sounds like a broken household with a lot of frustrations - the tight money, divorce, many kids to feed, no health insurance, etc.

Here's the advice I wish my parents had gotten when I was a kid sneaking food into my room: listen to your son. Talk to him about what's going on and try to figure out what might be bothering him. Hug him...a lot. Remind him that you love him no matter what, and that you will always be there for him. That kind of thing will go a long, long way. In the end, the most important thing to remember is that your job here is about providing unconditional love and support.

Yes. Unconditional love. Whatever size you are.

takingnameskickingbutt

to those who think i'm projecting and/or that it's normal to binge:

do you think a former binge eater does not recognize the signs?

to those of you who think "steal" is too harsh a term:

if i came home with $20 and gave $5 to each of my sons and kept $5 and one of them got into everyone's wallets during the night, took all $20, and went to the Gamestop and i found him playing a new game the next day, and asked him where it came from and where everyone's money went, and he said, "i don't know..." would that be "stealing"?

I think you need to stop calling it stealing. Period. I think it's the wrong attitude to take if you are actually worried about your son OVEREATING and not the supposed injustice of not everyone getting a cookie.

seriously? maybe i should have said "sneaking" instead of "stealing." but really, my word choice is apparently the topic du jour, and not the issue?

ETA: when on a limited food budget, fairness is definitely an issue, when two younger brothers are sad because someone at all of the relatively rare treats, lol

If the issue really is fairness, I think you need to explain it to him as opposed to saying he is binging, etc. Just simply say that these cookies are for everyone, and we are all only going to eat 2 (or whatever number you decide). Or individually put them in bags with names on it.

even if eating all of the treats isn't binging...if i put them in bags with names, he would eat them too. the issue is 10% fairness, 90% he can't control his his desire to eat the sweets.

Have you tried it? We are offering suggestions, but you only seem to hear the negative. People, including me, have suggested not keeping sweets in the house (perhaps going out for ice cream on occasion) and telling him the situation about sweets so he can begin to understand at an early age the financial hardships you are having. Maybe you guys can do a project about what are always foods and what are sometimes foods. It doesn't have to be about binging, but you are the one who seems to be focused on a very serious eating disorder that you have unfairly diagnosed your young son with without the benefit of a therapist. For some people it's binging for others its eating, that's a fact.

Sharyn913

Why does everyone recommend therapy for a 12 year old kid? His mother is on here and obviously cares, why can't she continue to talk to him?? It's your son.... therapy isn't the answer to life.

Amryfal

to those who think i'm projecting and/or that it's normal to binge:

do you think a former binge eater does not recognize the signs?

to those of you who think "steal" is too harsh a term:

if i came home with $20 and gave $5 to each of my sons and kept $5 and one of them got into everyone's wallets during the night, took all $20, and went to the Gamestop and i found him playing a new game the next day, and asked him where it came from and where everyone's money went, and he said, "i don't know..." would that be "stealing"?

I think you need to stop calling it stealing. Period. I think it's the wrong attitude to take if you are actually worried about your son OVEREATING and not the supposed injustice of not everyone getting a cookie.

seriously? maybe i should have said "sneaking" instead of "stealing." but really, my word choice is apparently the topic du jour, and not the issue?

ETA: when on a limited food budget, fairness is definitely an issue, when two younger brothers are sad because someone at all of the relatively rare treats, lol

If the issue really is fairness, I think you need to explain it to him as opposed to saying he is binging, etc. Just simply say that these cookies are for everyone, and we are all only going to eat 2 (or whatever number you decide). Or individually put them in bags with names on it.

even if eating all of the treats isn't binging...if i put them in bags with names, he would eat them too. the issue is 10% fairness, 90% he can't control his his desire to eat the sweets.

Have you tried it? We are offering suggestions, but you only seem to hear the negative. People, including me, have suggested not keeping sweets in the house (perhaps going out for ice cream on occasion) and telling him the situation about sweets so he can begin to understand at an early age the financial hardships you are having. Maybe you guys can do a project about what are always foods and what are sometimes foods. It doesn't have to be about binging, but you are the one who seems to be focused on a very serious eating disorder that you have unfairly diagnosed your young son with without the benefit of a therapist. For some people it's binging for others its eating, that's a fact.

okay, i think we've officially reached the point all forum posts get to if i don't agree with someone, i'm being unfair and only seeing the negative. check.

thanks everyone

devil_in_a_blue_dress

to those who think i'm projecting and/or that it's normal to binge:

do you think a former binge eater does not recognize the signs?

to those of you who think "steal" is too harsh a term:

if i came home with $20 and gave $5 to each of my sons and kept $5 and one of them got into everyone's wallets during the night, took all $20, and went to the Gamestop and i found him playing a new game the next day, and asked him where it came from and where everyone's money went, and he said, "i don't know..." would that be "stealing"?

I think you need to stop calling it stealing. Period. I think it's the wrong attitude to take if you are actually worried about your son OVEREATING and not the supposed injustice of not everyone getting a cookie.

seriously? maybe i should have said "sneaking" instead of "stealing." but really, my word choice is apparently the topic du jour, and not the issue?

ETA: when on a limited food budget, fairness is definitely an issue, when two younger brothers are sad because someone at all of the relatively rare treats, lol

Your word choices imply a certain attitude toward eating food in secret, so yes -- the words you choose and why you choose them is very important.

Would you still use the word stealing if food were plentiful and you had more of a budget? Were you stealing food when you were eating half a cake in the middle of the night when you were 16? Do you understand what I am saying?

I think between your past issues with food and your current limited budget you are creating a problem that might not exist. Yes, your son needs to learn to share and not take more than his share of treats, but that is not an eating disorder -- that is learning not to be a jerk. It is really not unusual for teenage boys to consume a dozen cookies. I am guessing at his dad's he can do that -- so the adjustment of not being able to do it there is hard.

Do you see what I am getting at?

ok, i remove the word "steal." it's obviously more important than hiding the eating. i do understand what you're saying, and i'm not trying to be mean or snarky here - it's not just about a dozen cookies one night. it's about a habit that's been a problem for a long time, and i get up every day to see what i no longer have in the cupboard. food budget totally aside.

Fun story my parents tell: my brother is 8 years younger than me -- when he hit about 10-11, I left home but my parents food budget increased by nearly 25%. They had to buy twice the amount a cereal and snacks. This continued until my brother left home. My brother never hid his eating -- but my parents had enough money to buy groceries and have extra, so he never needed to. I have no doubt that he would have been sneaking about eating if they had a more limited financial situation. I don't think that would have indicated an eating disorder so much as it would have indicated a teenager struggling to understand that you can't have everything you want just because you want it because budget is limited.

Really. Look into the situation at his father's -- if he has access to whatever he wants, when he wants at his dad's coming to your house where things have to be stricter because of budget concerns probably is what is causing the sneaking -- not disordered eating (which is something you are bringing to the table).

takingnameskickingbutt

Not to be rude, but don't post a forum topic that is highly controversial and then be so unreceptive to the strong ideas of others'. If you have all the answers or are just looking for sympathy, don't ask for help.

I can bet that people on a fitness site have very strong ideas involving food and binging. I can also personally attest to the fact that I had a mother growing up who made my binging worse by telling me I was stealing food, that she kept on the top shelf to prevent me from accesing it, which only enticed me more. This act of treating my brother differently from me and being called a food theif has had a long lasting effect. For the record, I believe we were all trying to help.

DelilahCat0212

Oh and my parents used exercise as punishment (for non-food related "infractions") Ask me how that screwed me up.

bm99

I would punish him for the sneaking/lying/not sharing and ignore the overeating if hes a healthy weight.

Talk to him about self control, sharing and how we cant always have what we want and leave the fat issues out of it unless he actually has a weight problem. He just sounds like a greedy little kid.

And for the move of God do not tell him he has "your metabolism". That's setting him up for failure for sure.

bm99

Oh and my parents used exercise as punishment (for non-food related "infractions") Ask me how that screwed me up.

Boo hoo. Blame mommy and daddy for all your current problems.

Amryfal

Not to be rude, but don't post a forum topic that is highly controversial and then be so unreceptive to the strong ideas of others'. If you have all the answers or are just looking for sympathy, don't ask for help.

I can bet that people on a fitness site have very strong ideas involving food and binging. I can also personally attest to the fact that I had a mother growing up who made my binging worse by telling me I was stealing food, that she kept on the top shelf to prevent me from accesing it, which only enticed me more. This act of treating my brother differently from me and being called a food theif has had a long lasting effect. For the record, I believe we were all trying to help.

i know you were trying to help, and i'm grateful. i am! i know my son pretty well, is all, and i know when to back away from the keyboard. i'm not angry at you, i don't think you're being mean, and i don't agree with every single post here, but i think you have a very valid point. which is why i'm backing off my son

really, really, thank you everyone. you made me think. a lot. thank you.

dayone987

to those who think i'm projecting and/or that it's normal to binge:

do you think a former binge eater does not recognize the signs?

to those of you who think "steal" is too harsh a term:

if i came home with $20 and gave $5 to each of my sons and kept $5 and one of them got into everyone's wallets during the night, took all $20, and went to the Gamestop and i found him playing a new game the next day, and asked him where it came from and where everyone's money went, and he said, "i don't know..." would that be "stealing"?

delete

Mina133842

I also used to sneak food as a kid - and my mom found out (of course) and kept asking why? I really couldn't tell her at the time, but I've battled my weight all my life, and so has she. I can tell you I have 4 brothers, and growing up with brothers that can eat you out of house and home, and especially if their friends are over- we were going through milk and cereal like nobody's business, and all my "healthy" cereal I would pick out and sometimes buy myself, would be gone. Mom had to finally put her foot down about the friends eating over, but for the most part that's normal boy stuff I guess. I agree with other posters, maybe keep the goodies out of the house, and if you are all getting a treat to share, just get it at that time- so smaller box of ice cream cones, or smaller carton, etc. as for the cookies, and things, those are MY downfall. I usually have to just portion it out into Tupperware or snack cups/snack baggies, so that it's in an actual portion - I do this as soon as it comes home from the store, that way you actually see what a serving IS, and have it ready to go- so ONE serving of cookies at night is okay.
or my friend has a "snack basket" at her house - granola bars, fruit snacks, etc - anything in the basket is okay - again in ONE serving. I keep fruit at my house too - open bowl on the table of apples, bananas, oranges, and whatever else on sale, and a bowl of grapes in the fridge- washed and off the vine, ready to go- my kids love to "sneak" grapes out of the fridge.

My parents had 5 ravenous kids in the house, plus a multitude of friends over at all times, so they could not keep snacks in the house for more than 5 minutes. They finally devised a "mailbox" system. Each of us (including my parents) had a box into which they placed snacks that had been parceled out equally. They would hit Costco, load up, and then divy everything up. What snacks were in your box were yours to eat yourself or share with your friends at your discretion. But once your snacks were gone, that was it and you didn't get more until the restocked. I'm not going to pretend there weren't a few items that went missing from various boxes, but for the most part it worked like a charm.

I was just about to say this too - maybe get different colors of boxes, bins, or Tupperware, whatever floats your boat- each child chooses their color, and when you make their snack bin - that's their supply. I've done this on road trips with my neice and nephews too - here's your bag of snacks- no refills until we stop at "X," so when I stop to get fuel etc, do not ask for anything. Worked like a charm. Some eat the whole bag at once, some eat favorite things first, or last, and I always put little games and things in them too - the kids loved it. We have their different colors of sippie cups for my little guys- even the baby gives his brother the green cup- cause that's his brother's. They know what their color is- and yes, there's the occasional tiff, but for the most part, they know what's theirs and what's going on.

viannee

the milk and cookie thing may not be a "binge" but three drumstick ice cream cones at a pop? that were meant for everyone to share?

i really, really, really appreciate the feedback, everyone.

I'm sorry if this has already been said but I didn't read all the pages.

If you must discipline him, then do.
Not for the eating but for the forgotten virtue.

Tell him not to eat everything because the food is not for you alone but for everyone in the house. His brother might have been looking forward to having that treat but because he's consumed it all, there's nothing left for him and everybody else to enjoy.

Instill the value that he should be considerate and should also think of others not just himself.

Take the issue of eating/food from the equation cause it might create a lasting impression on the child and might have the same effect with him as it did to you.

Teach him about healthy eating on a separate occasion so it doesn't get associated with the same incident.

I hope this helps even a little bit.

BrionaLoree

i did this all the time when i was younger, and i lived with my grandparents most of the time- they encouraged me to eat a lot. like they would brag on me if i ate more than them (when i was like 4) and wanted me to. this most likley has something to do with the way they eat, because they are always snacking. but when i would go to my moms and my other grandmas they would get upset with me so i did it.. although my moms mom tried to help me- it just made me feel worst. if my child were doing that, i would only have healthy snacks in the house- NOT the ones that taste healthy though! lol. but also, i would try and make everything fitness related be family fun, and not seem like your trying to make your kid 'not fat' it might not help, but in the end you can only hope that as he gets older, hell want to make his lifestyle a healthier one. but if you try to help, when he realizes he wants to be healthy- he'll know youll be there for him and not resent you. i know that i kind of resent the grandparents i lived with for the eating habbits they got me into because i always think "maybe i wouldnt be so fat if they hadnt taught me to eat like that" either way, it has to be HIS choice or else he'll feel like hes being tourtured.

Amryfal

I also used to sneak food as a kid - and my mom found out (of course) and kept asking why? I really couldn't tell her at the time, but I've battled my weight all my life, and so has she. I can tell you I have 4 brothers, and growing up with brothers that can eat you out of house and home, and especially if their friends are over- we were going through milk and cereal like nobody's business, and all my "healthy" cereal I would pick out and sometimes buy myself, would be gone. Mom had to finally put her foot down about the friends eating over, but for the most part that's normal boy stuff I guess. I agree with other posters, maybe keep the goodies out of the house, and if you are all getting a treat to share, just get it at that time- so smaller box of ice cream cones, or smaller carton, etc. as for the cookies, and things, those are MY downfall. I usually have to just portion it out into Tupperware or snack cups/snack baggies, so that it's in an actual portion - I do this as soon as it comes home from the store, that way you actually see what a serving IS, and have it ready to go- so ONE serving of cookies at night is okay.
or my friend has a "snack basket" at her house - granola bars, fruit snacks, etc - anything in the basket is okay - again in ONE serving. I keep fruit at my house too - open bowl on the table of apples, bananas, oranges, and whatever else on sale, and a bowl of grapes in the fridge- washed and off the vine, ready to go- my kids love to "sneak" grapes out of the fridge.

My parents had 5 ravenous kids in the house, plus a multitude of friends over at all times, so they could not keep snacks in the house for more than 5 minutes. They finally devised a "mailbox" system. Each of us (including my parents) had a box into which they placed snacks that had been parceled out equally. They would hit Costco, load up, and then divy everything up. What snacks were in your box were yours to eat yourself or share with your friends at your discretion. But once your snacks were gone, that was it and you didn't get more until the restocked. I'm not going to pretend there weren't a few items that went missing from various boxes, but for the most part it worked like a charm.

I was just about to say this too - maybe get different colors of boxes, bins, or Tupperware, whatever floats your boat- each child chooses their color, and when you make their snack bin - that's their supply. I've done this on road trips with my neice and nephews too - here's your bag of snacks- no refills until we stop at "X," so when I stop to get fuel etc, do not ask for anything. Worked like a charm. Some eat the whole bag at once, some eat favorite things first, or last, and I always put little games and things in them too - the kids loved it. We have their different colors of sippie cups for my little guys- even the baby gives his brother the green cup- cause that's his brother's. They know what their color is- and yes, there's the occasional tiff, but for the most part, they know what's theirs and what's going on.

nice. i might give that a try!

emilypurplefrog

From personal experience, my family brought up my excessive eating and weight frequently. Anytime they mentioned something about my eating, I kept doing it. Not to spite them, but emotionally it hurt when they were complaining about me eating and my weight, so what did I do? Turn to the food because it tasted good and made me feel good at the time. Honestly, I don't feel that anything you say to him could help, in fact even mentioning it could make things worse. At least, it did for me when my parents would bring it up. I still have a lot of frustration because I feel like a lot of what my parents used to say is the reason I am as big as I am today. My mom would try to get me onto diets with her and I would lose maybe 5 lbs and give up because I had an addiction to food. Most people have to overcome their food issues on their own because it really is a very personal thing. Rarely does anything good ever come out of people restricting food from anyone other than themselves or mentioning food issues to anyone besides themselves. Unfortunately most people end up overweight or obese before they can admit they have a problem and do something about it.

All I can really suggest you do is keep the sweets and junk food out of the house. If someone is craving an occasional sweet or junk food, maybe the family could go out and get ice cream or a candy bar or something like that rather than keeping it in the fridge or freezer. Also, maybe go on family walks or do family activities together (i.e. football or tag in the front or back yard) so that you know he is getting in plenty of activity.

Freyja2023

I too am raising boys and they do go through phases where they will eat anything that doesn't bit back. My 13 year will go through periods where he gets up in the middle of the night and eat anything he can get his hands on. I decided a couple of years ago when this first started to not keep junk in my house. Instead of no bake cookies I make carrot muffins or banana bread cookies. Instead of ice cream I freeze yogurt and offer that to them. I also keep all sorts of fruit in my fridge and when I buy my veggies I immediately cut them all up into snack sizes that makes grabbing for a bunch of carrot sticks easier for them. My 13 year old is also very active I started my weight loss journey 3 and a half years ago and I always let my kids workout with me if they choose too. I didn't push it on them and found that leading by example was better. He is now lifting weights and getting in hours of outside play and working out. He is blessed with his fathers metabolism so I don't really have to worry about him being overweight and I encourage him to succeed in any program he wants to try. I do not nag them over their eating because I don't want them to think that they are not allowed to eat stuff. Instead I just educate by keeping healthy choices in my house. Normally if they think they are not allowed something they will want it even more. I found that if they had free and clear access to all the healthy choices they were better about their night eating and they started making their own healthy choices.

The real trick is making healthy snack quick and easy for them to grab. Kids are usually too busy to 'make' something and will grab whatever is already done and ready. If all they have to reach for is cookies and such that is what they will choose, but if a bowl of fruit salad is in the fridge or a veggie tray they will reach for that too. Make is easy and simple. And remember that your issues and your past is not his unless you make it his.

jeanzbeanz

I also have a 12 year old son, (among others)hes going through puberty and also LOVES milk and snacking. Im assuming the draw to the milk is their bodies screaming for calcium for their bones which are going through a massive growth stage, just a guess though, but i remember being mad on milk at that age too.
My view is, no biggy, i swapped the whole fat milk to semi skimmed, stopped buying 'munchies' for him to snack on and replaced them with dried fuit, canned fruit, bread sticks, humous and wholemeal pittas and fresh fruit. I also make him pitta crisps with cinnamon on them, they go down really well. I also started family walking in the evening to get them all walking a few miles each day. (This is on top of their usual exercise)
He still drinks loads of milk and eats all the time, but hes snacking on healthy food and getting regular exercise, so theres no problem.
I personally wouldnt even mention it to him, why would you want to make him feel bad, just make the swaps and dont make it into a big thing.

^^ this - coupled with the fact that my 'locust' boy is gonna be a junior in high school and wants to look good for the 'chicks'! He has started working out and has made some incredible changes to his diet

healthy snacks, bite-sized, ready to go, fruit, veggies, etc - have to agree with the above posters. It may seem odd, but it works. My 16 year old noshes on celery. Who'd a thunk it?

twimom03

Only you do know your son the best. As his mother, only you know the difference between him eating due to a growth spurt and unhealthy binges. Ask yourself this...would he eat that amount of food in front of you? Such as I told you about my niece, she absolutely would not! That told me that she was embarrassed to eat and could not help herself to eating an abundant amount of food at once (and we are not talking about veggies and fruit either). I know the position that you are in and how difficult it is! I know what you meant by calling it "stealing" as I would also call it "stealing" or "sneaking"....my children know their boundaries and limitations when it comes to having snacks...the pantry is not opened all day long to graze from. Growing up, I had to ask for a snack and I do the same with my children. Although we share everything in this house...if one is to take all the food in the middle of the night and not think to share...then I know what you mean by stealing. I respect you in that you put yourself out there today and posting your question. Search the internet and maybe you can come up with some valuable information as to help your son. As you know, fighting an eating disorder is not easy! It is not like you can just have some willpower and get over it...you are taking the first step and finding out how you can help him. I know with my niece, she was called fat as a child and other kids were cruel to her and she was also having family issues at home (that is why she came to live with me). Again, good luck.

Bobby_Clerici

Oh and my parents used exercise as punishment (for non-food related "infractions") Ask me how that screwed me up.

Boo hoo. Blame mommy and daddy for all your current problems.

Right, people who can take ownership of their lives reach potential. Those who fail will always fine somebody to blame.
ABSURD!

senyosmom

Its funny that you call it "stealing"!!

All jokes aside, I think you need to get the father on board so you guys are on the same page year round. Lead by example and try to buy healthier stuff so he is binging on carrots and not cookies.

GOOD LUCK!!!

butterfli7o

To the OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish I had advice for you. My step-son is 14 and just about 300 pounds. He is only with us during the summertime and with his mom the rest of the year, and she makes no attempt to help him make healthier food choices.

When he is with us, he has no desire to eat healthier and is EXTREMELY picky. So it's not as easy as buying carrots and celery and letting him snack on that. There's no way he'd touch that. For example, when I make salads, he'll take out all the vegetables and douse it with ranch dressing and cheese. There is only one or two vegetables he'll actually eat. Another excuse he's used is that he doesn't like the texture, or the taste, etc. As his step-mom who only sees him during summer, I feel I can only say so much. My husband's frustrated but is sick of trying to make him care.

Oh, and I too end up finding empty wrappers around the house. We don't keep a lot of junk food in the house, but we do like an occasional treat and it's silly that I may have to hide them.

lindsayforlife

Boo hoo. Blame mommy and daddy for all your current problems.

Wow.

zenchild

I can offer a point of view from one of the kids who is missing out. My younger sister had a habit of stealing (and yes, I thought of it as stealing) all the treats from the "treat drawer." With 5 kids to feed, my mom didn't buy many treats. When she would buy the occasional (a few times a year) box of Hostess or Little Debbie cakes, it was a big deal. We would each be allowed 1 per day and we had to ask. It was incredibly frustrating to be looking forward to your little cake and find the drawer empty. No one would admit to taking them. My younger sister always claimed that she didn't like chocolate but her purse would be stuffed with them. She was in grade school when it happened. She had problems with impulse control. She started stealing other things from us. If she wanted it, she'd take it. Eventually my mom made a rule that if she stole something, she had to return it, apologize, and pay the sibling $10. A combination of maturity and losing something of her own (the money) finally got to her and she outgrew it.
If he's allowed to take things that are for the whole family there needs to be a consequence. If there's not, the other kids will see it and may begin to do the same. If he can take whatever he wants, why can't they?
This has nothing to do with the hiding. That's a whole issue I'm not going into. I'm just saying that the feelings of the other members of the family matter too.