True Love - Hilarious!
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My co-workers are looking at me like I'm mental.
If that's not true love, I unno what is
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OMGGGGG I was crying REAL TEARS at my desk, I think everyone at work now thinks I am insane (well, they probably already knew, but this just solidified things). *dead. laughing*
DITTO!!!! I am busting at my desk!!!! This is Priceless.....0 -
fantastic!0
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FUNNIEST.SHIZ.EVER.0
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Tears. Running. Down!
Thank you for the laugh out loud story! Awesome!0 -
This just made my day! LMAO Thank you!0
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HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!! I'm crying over here!0
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
OMFG - that is hysterical. It must be love!0 -
WOW... That was too funny! :laugh: I loved it!!! That's gotta be true love
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I am totally bumping this one, because I have to tell my boyfriend this one. It has happened to us. Not that early in the relationship, but it definitely has happened.0
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Best OP EVER!!!! Thank you for the laughes today!!0
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Hahaha My Co-workers are a little concerned I think because I was laughing so hard that my face was all red, my eyes were watering, and I could barely breath. That is the best story ever. I printed it for my co-workers to read!! Kudos on staying together after that.
That is true love. 0 -
That is absolutely hilarious!! Thanks so much for sharing, I haven't laughed so hard in a long time!! (Glad you made it through that day and have married, btw!!) )) 0
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that is honestly the most hilarous thing i have read on this site by far....and probably any other site as well. Thanks for making me laugh today! i was honestly sitting in my office by myself laughing out loud!
^^^^ this! I was crying with laughter praying that noone came into my office...HILARIOUS!!! I'm actually gonna print it so my husband could read it later!0 -
Best. Story. EVER0
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I am still crying from laughing so hard; so I had to share...enjoy!
Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it's the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that's "Silent But Deadly" for you prudes).
It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. That's when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were looking real good. He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I'm not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn't want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a
15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms. We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn't allowed myself to eat in years. I didn't want to be "that girl" so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love?
That's when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways - uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn't feeling well and probably needed to head home. On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn't having any of it. The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks.
Then I realized ...
My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I'm in trouble. Big trouble. The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard. "Seriously, you need to hurry - I'm in a lot of pain." I managed to say through gritted teeth.
"Wow, it's that bad? What's wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?"
How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you're writhing in pain is because you have to fart?
Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.
People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out.
The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced it's way through the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I'm home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud.
Not in a, "am I smelling something?" sort of way. More like a "is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?" sort of way.
Suddenly, I panicked. "Roll down the windows!" I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).
"What? Why?" Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.
"I can't roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!"
"What's going on?" Rob yells back to me, "Why are you ..." then it hit him.
I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, "Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!" he screamed.
"Roll down the windows!" As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.
It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.
Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows.
We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.
We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way. He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, "Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!" and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.
I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.
Then I heard it. Rob's voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.
"Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?"
"Get away from the door!" I scream like Reagan from The Exorcist. "Ok, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"
*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*
"I'm fine, Rob - just leave the shoes there. I'll call you later okay?"
"Okay, are you sure you're ..."
"I'm fine! Get away from the door!"
This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin' hint!
Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last I'd hear from him. I didn't think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours. But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now we're married and he's laying on the couch while I type this ... "It was your rack that saved you," he just lovingly reminded me.
Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny.
I wish that I could have had my HRM on when I read this...I would have liked to have known how many calories I just burned from laughing so hard! I had to stop reading this so many times because my eye lids were locked closed from laughing so hard! I almost had to stop reading it and leave my computer to go to the rest room myself!
OP thanks for the laugh today! I am glad that your now husband has seen past your short comings and still married you!
I have only been married for 9 months so far...I hope that I do not have to experience that much pain if I ever have to fart in the presence of my husband. I know that he will still love me regardless if he ever has to experience the taste of my fart! I will definitely share this story with him.
Bump this to save for later!
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laughing so hard...cant breath..cant see...tears.... 17 month old looking at me like you ok mom? ahahahahahahahaha0
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Thank you.... got my ab work out for the day..... OMG laughed so hard!0
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I can't even begin to tell you how hilarious your story was for me. Since everyone needs at least one good, tears-springing from your eyes, belly laugh a day, I thank you for getting mine in nice and early 0
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HOLY **** I CAN'T BREATHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Where did you find this masterpiece?!?
I've been on this guy's e-mail blast list for years...every now & again, a gem such as this appears; so I had to share...LOL!
I could've scanned through 11 pages of replies, but I'm lazy. The original story is from Haha's for Hoohas! - fantastic blog!!0 -
Oh my gosh, I was laughing so hard I had tears coming down my face!0
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That is freaking hilarious! lolololol....0
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Brilliant, thank you. :-)
Holding in a fart makes it smell worse once it does emerge. Fact.0 -
I got this email last week at work and cried I laughed so hard. haha0
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Hilarious, thanks for sharing!! :laugh:0
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that is freakin' hilarious!0
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
::wipes away tears from my eyes::
(fortunately from laughing so hard... not because I farted!)
^^^^^ :laugh: :laugh: :flowerforyou:0 -
This had to be the funniest story I have ever read. Kudos to Rob for seeing past the farts an what a great girl you are (well aside from your boobs) May the two of you have many more moemories such as this. :drinker:0
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LOL What a great story!! Thanks for sharing!0
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I think this is the first time I can say lol honestly. :laugh:0
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