Need help convincing wife to join in weight loss/fitness

jillebean60

Sounds like classic "afraid to fail" syndrome. Tell her that no matter how much she loses, or even *if* she loses, as long as she is starting to be aware of what and how much she's putting in her mouth that eventually the weight will come off. Best of luck! This is a tricky thing with a mate's "help". Been on the end of your wife.

denmark979

Don't let your wife hate on your new lifestyle. My hubby does the same but he tries to sabotage me in my efforts. I basically told him if he wanted to take me out, it won't be for not fattening foods but something physically active. He has been off the bandwagon and wants me to be fat and happy with him. Not gonna happen. I finally got totally honest with him and told him what would be more attractive to me and that's a healthy fit hubby. I want to be able to grow old with my spouse and be healthy and active in older age. So tell her to move it now so it won't be so hard later.

mcsteenie

I hate to say it, but... DON'T try to do it.

My hubby has always been the healthier one in our relationship. He knew when he met met me that I have issues with food and weight. (I had just lost 65 lbs and reaching my goal weight about 6 months before meeting him). After we married it slowly started to creep up. He knew it and tried to get me back in the gym. I went for a while but... I was depressed and not ready, apparently, because I backslid even more. Stopped working out. Ate more junk. Drank soda pop again. Two years later I had gained it all back and was still creeping upwards...

As much as he tried to lead by example or tried to prod me towards healthier decision... it would just make me angry. I felt like a child, being chastised. (which is my baggage and stupidity, not his). I resented it. After a while he stopped trying. Part of me always seemed to think to myself " you did it before (lost the weight) you can do it, IF you try" I just never tried.

Then one day, after seeing another loved one/friend losing weight it just , well, "CLICKED" as someone else here put it. I started eating better. (Cut down sugar and carbs intake.Ate healthier, less fat/ more whole grains, veggies, fruits.... Everything you're supposed to do!) I did it on my own and lost 25 lbs.Then I started running. (I was hard as I have NEVER been an athlete.) It was hard but I set a goal I couldn't wiggle out of (a half marathon in Jan 2013). I lost another 32 lbs.

I have since apologized to my hubby. I know my refusal to change hurt him more than he would ever say. I shut him out when he was only trying to help. I have seen the light since I pulled my head out of my rear!

You can't make her do it, hon. It's painful watching a loved one spiral out of control or become apathetic. But you can't change her, she has to change herself. Hang in there, sometimes when others change around us (sedentary couch-potatoes) we eventaully come around for fear of being left behind.

I hope for your sake she does, since its obvious you care enough to try. Good luck with your continued journey.

jofjltncb6

Yeah, you're asking us how best to charge into a room where, just outside the door, a bunch of terrified angels are refusing to enter.

Good luck.

mcsteenie

But I agree with the others here; If her animosity continues you might want to call her on it. That kind of stuff festers in a relationship and rots. Tell her how it makes YOU feel. It might break through to her.

If not be prepared for some days of strife and the couch. It sucks, but it least it would be out in the open.

MrsLVF

Be tricky, LOL Spend some quality time together....
How about a date night, take her dancing, or a long romantic walk on the beach, or at a park & a picnic that YOU pack with healthy food. Just her moving, It will make her feel better about herself & maybe she'll want to get into it more.

bcattoes

I find that my husband is more receptive if I focus on the fact that I want him to be healthy because I don't want to live without him, rather than because he needs to lose a few lbs.

You likely feel better now that you are exercising and losing so mention how you have more energy. And if you've seen improvements in BP, blood work or other areas of health focus on that. Tell her you love her and want to grow old together and that requires taking care of yourselves.

Suggest activities together without mentioning exercise. Go hiking or take a walking tour of <whatever>. Take up a hobby together that requires exercise. Or just take a walk to enjoy each others company rather than to burn calories.

Stephanie_Autry

Hi all,
Just wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how I can get my wife to join me on my weight loss and fitness lifestyle adjustment.

Don't.

^ That.

Yeah, my mom and husband do the same thing. Try asking her out to do something with you- like maybe for a walk at the park or go dancing. Do something you both can enjoy! Try making meals for both of you that are healthy or like the person above me said tell her you can't live without her!

jeffsater

Hi all,
Just wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how I can get my wife to join me on my weight loss and fitness lifestyle adjustment.

Any suggestions?

That's a slippery slope, my man. If you try to convince her to do it she'll take that as you saying she needs to. Tell her she's awesome the way she is and continue working out on your own. Once she sees changes in you, she may want to do it herself. As long as you tell her she doesn't NEED to, you'll continue to have sex every now and then.

Alice_H

WRT physical activities together - be sure to start off very low-key. I tried this with my husband, doing hikes that I thought for sure he'd be able to do (he's significantly less overweight than I am, but I spend more time moving outdoors at higher altitudes than he does) and it was very discouraging for him because he was so out of shape. If anything, I think it might have made things worse for him, because he felt like even doing what I had described as an easy hike was something that he was never going to be able to achieve.

Admitting she needs to lose weight is going to be tough for your wife, and even tougher given a variety of factors.

*Men lose weight so much more easily than women, so whether you try to make it seem so or not, there's always going to be a bit of competition there.

*Admitting that she is overweight to you is tantamount to saying "I'm fat and there's no reason you should desire me." Pushing her to lose weight carries the implicit message of "you're too fat for me to be attracted to."

*It's nearly impossible to talk to someone about health without coming off as preachy, and it doesn't have really anything to do with what *you* are saying, it's that society sends messages about how bad of a person you are (you have no discipline, you're not attractive, you're not desirable) if you're overweight.

*And then there's the "what if I can't do it?" problem - so many of us that are overweight have tried to lose weight a number of different ways, a number of different times, and have failed. Sometimes it seems like we can't handle another failure, especially when we feel sloppy and fat.

The times I stay most on track WRT to losing weight are when I feel pretty - after I've gotten a mani/pedi, after I've gotten a really nice, unforced compliment from my husband, after good sexytimes, or just days when I've been self-motivated enough to put on my face and wear nice clothes. I think this is because of emotional eating and a tendency to continue to move in the same direction. If your wife already feels at odds with you because you've been pushing her to lose weight, the best thing you can do is repair that by completely dropping it and start emphasizing the ways and reasons you love her. When she feels like she's worth the investment in getting healthy, she'll come around.

sugboog29

As you have already read from many others it is something she has to want to do herself. My dear, sweet husband tried for years to get me to lose weight and get healthy, it never worked. First off I did not see myself as "fat", yes I knew I was overweight, but thought I looked good (had a great mental image). What happened?? Almost 2 years ago I was having trouble getting a pair of my favorite shorts buttoned and looked in the mirror and finally "saw myself"! WOW .... talk about a shock. Right then and there I decided I had to do this for me, no one else, just me. My husband told me he would do what I did and he has lost about 40 pounds. It was easier for him than me, but I refuse to give up.

Be patient....hopefully she will truly see herself and want to make that change..until then continue doing what you are doing because it is for you!

cgale8

First: Don't try to convince her. You have to do this for yourself only. I have several in my house including my husband that needs to get healthier as well. The more you bring it up the farther away she will go.

Her animosity is most likely rooted in her own desire to get healthy but not making progress and the more she sees you achieving your goals the more negative it reflects on her (this is subjective!)

You could sit down with her and discuss her thoughts and feelings and reiterate that you would love to have her join you yet you understand if she is not ready. Also explain to her that you would appreciate her support in your journey though.

BigGuy47

Offer to share some of whatever healthy food you are eating, or make a meal for the two of you that is healthy that she will like. Again, NOT saying, "Why don't I make us a nice healthy meal so you can see how nice it is." Something like, "I want to make dinner tonight, so you can put your feet up and relax. You deserve a break," would be better.t

This. If you are making dinner, you get to choose what to make, so choose something healthy. But as soon as you turn it into a "look see how good I am and how bad you are" contest, you lose.

This is excellent advice. It's a subtle way to gently persuade her to make healthy choices.

How are your skills in the kitchen?

weemawhit

Don't. Some people are immediately hurt the minute that weight loss even comes up in conversation. While it's reasonable for you to expect her to be supportive and happy for you, try to be very sensitive about how that information affects her. In some ways, you losing weight is kind of like she's gaining weight. (My boyfriend is thinner than I am, and my weight seems worse when I'm comparing myself to him.) If he were telling me I need to lose more weight and be healthier, I would probably feel attacked, like I wasn't good enough for him.

You might have better luck by making more of an effort to make her feel beautiful and sexy, just the way she is. Wanting to change your lifestyle and body ONLY for other people can lead to dangerous weight loss methods and low self esteem. I needed to get through college, for example, before really taking this stuff seriously. Just give her time to want this for herself, and let her know that you value her regardless.

elisa123gal

worry about yourself..and don't try to control your wife. she senses you thinking you know better..and it is parental and no one likes that.

I understand why you want your wife fit and healthy. I do. But, it is a personal journey. Just enjoy the exchange and support you get here...and don't paint your wife into a corner where she feels like she can't change her mind and want to get fit too.