Gym stalker

ellehcimyelhsa

Self Defense Rule 1: Be assertive, direct and clear.

If he, or anyone, is too close for your comfort, tell them, right there, right then, without recourse.

- Do not go "tattle" to management.
- Do not be subtle.
- Do not be passive aggressive.

Say, "Give me space. You make me uncomfortable every time you're near me. Back off."

The end.

This statement serves two primary agendas...

1. You have established a legal precedent. You have CLEARLY indicated that his presence is bothersome to you, and you do not feel safe when he is near.

2. You have given him one of three options. He will ...
..A. Withdraw
..B. Stay still (aka "neutral")
..C. Continue to advance.

As a father, husband, attorney and 20 year martial artist, if you said that to me... I would immediately withdraw, because I wouldn't want to be anywhere near you thereafter (for many, many reasons).

If he stays neutral, and/or "ignores" you. Move.

If he continues to advance, or follows you after you move, get ready to knock him the f**k out. You are in a better position to do this, because of Agenda 1.

Happy Friday.

^^This. My husband is a police officer and his department let all the wives take a self defense class earlier this year. That is literally the first thing they tell you.

mermegan

Or maybe he wants to wear your skin at night to bed...



I'll let you decide.

That made my morning...

fcp1234

I completely agree with gorillaesq. legally in most businesses they can not or will not throw someone out or even have a talking to the accused "stalker" because that's basically saying "sue me for discrimination".

I didn't say they would throw the person out. They received a member complaint about another member. It is within their right to speak to that member about the complaint, without making any accusations. If he is stalking her, it will let him know others are aware of it.

telling management will get you nowhere except a witness in court after he kills you.

IF he kills her, wouldn't she WANT someone to be a witness in court?

Again....I'm not saying she shouldn't say anything to the guy, even be rude/mean/aggressive. I'm saying if she really feels stalked, she should tell the management at the gym.
.

I think the point is she doesn't want to get killed...........

Ok, nobody is gonna kill me, I am a 5'9", 146 lbs woman that did 23 real pushups last night .

Celestialfairie

Self Defense Rule 1: Be assertive, direct and clear.

If he, or anyone, is too close for your comfort, tell them, right there, right then, without recourse.

- Do not go "tattle" to management.
- Do not be subtle.
- Do not be passive aggressive.

Say, "Give me space. You make me uncomfortable every time you're near me. Back off."

The end.

This statement serves two primary agendas...

1. You have established a legal precedent. You have CLEARLY indicated that his presence is bothersome to you, and you do not feel safe when he is near.

2. You have given him one of three options. He will ...
..A. Withdraw
..B. Stay still (aka "neutral")
..C. Continue to advance.

As a father, husband, attorney and 20 year martial artist, if you said that to me... I would immediately withdraw, because I wouldn't want to be anywhere near you thereafter (for many, many reasons).

If he stays neutral, and/or "ignores" you. Move.

If he continues to advance, or follows you after you move, get ready to knock him the f**k out. You are in a better position to do this, because of Agenda 1.

Happy Friday.

This. ^^ Excellent advice!

GorillaEsq

Self Defense Rule 1: Be assertive, direct and clear.

If he, or anyone, is too close for your comfort, tell them, right there, right then, without recourse.

- Do not go "tattle" to management.
- Do not be subtle.
- Do not be passive aggressive.

Say, "Give me space. You make me uncomfortable every time you're near me. Back off."

The end.

This statement serves two primary agendas...

1. You have established a legal precedent. You have CLEARLY indicated that his presence is bothersome to you, and you do not feel safe when he is near.

2. You have given him one of three options. He will ...
..A. Withdraw
..B. Stay still (aka "neutral")
..C. Continue to advance.

As a father, husband, attorney and 20 year martial artist, if you said that to me... I would immediately withdraw, because I wouldn't want to be anywhere near you thereafter (for many, many reasons).

If he stays neutral, and/or "ignores" you. Move.

If he continues to advance, or follows you after you move, get ready to knock him the f**k out. You are in a better position to do this, because of Agenda 1.

Happy Friday.

^^This. My husband is a police officer and his department let all the wives take a self defense class earlier this year. That is literally the first thing they tell you.

It's almost like I teach it or something... weird.

perfectingpatti

No. She'd be dead. 10 of 10 dead people agree, that they're already dead, nearly 100% of time.

Huh???? I think you're missing the point of WHY you tell someone else you feel stalked.

Personally, I'd angle for the "not being a murder victim" thing, instead of worrying about Joe the 1st **** Gym Manager providing testimony at my murder's trial.

Yeah, I'm going with the "not being a murder victim" thing myself. I just believe it's also important to let someone know you feel your life could be in danger and not just handling it yourself. Your self-defense advice is great, but she needs to let someone know also. Telling women not to tattle when they feel threatened and just to handle it themselves is not solid advice, in my opinion. I'm sorry that you disagree.

SoDamnHungry

Introduce yourself to him. Be courteous and polite. Flattered, but resolute in your intentions. Who knows if he is just a socially-inept Prince Charming? And if you're genuinely not looking, what if he is best friend-material?

I wouldn't write him off, but don't be quick to give him your phone number, schedule, and list of ten biggest fears. Talk to him for a little bit, determine his intentions, and, politely suggest that you are not looking for what he is looking for and sometimes it makes you uncomfortable. If he has any sort of social grace, he'll understand. If not, then talk to the gym management before escalating it to a police level.
-wtk

There is no way i can be polite to him, I wish I could beat the s*** out of his a**

How do you know you can't be polite?
Have you tried?

Well, let me put it this way. I have ZERO desire to be nice. He is making me uncomfortable, why should I be nice to him.

Because he probably doesn't know he's making you uncomfortable. You didn't even notice him until someone pointed it out!


Edited to fix quoting error.

GorillaEsq

Your self-defense advice is great, but she needs to let someone know also. Telling women not to tattle when they feel threatened and just to handle it themselves is not solid advice, in my opinion. I'm sorry that you disagree.

"Telling someone" is fine.

I disagree with any act or action that in ineffective, superfluous and pointless (when it comes to self-defense, or otherwise). Telling management that someone "makes you saddy-sad" is utterly worthless and a complete waste of time.

- The first person you should tell is... the guy making you uncomfortable. Be clear, concise and to the point.
- The next person you should tell is... law enforcement, if appropriate.

From there, you can tell Santa Claus for all I care. In fact, telling Santa might be more effective than management. Santa may skip his house this year.

perfectingpatti

"Telling someone" is fine.

Thank you! Very different than your first statement of:

- Do not go "tattle" to management.

Celestialfairie

"Telling someone" is fine.

Thank you! Very different than your first statement of:

- Do not go "tattle" to management.

I think he was just trying to encourage the first step before the second step, for several very good reasons. The laws regarding self-defense being a major portion in it. If any action is taken against the guy and she's not been upfront and honest with him it could come back against her. Almost like sexual harassment cases where people make complaints but never actually discourage it from happening while it's happening. Is it still bad? Yes, but the victim is then called into question.

In the end I think you're both leaning towards the same thing, just phrasing it differently. Especially as some others have mentioned going straight to management.

Either way, I hope it works out for the best for the OP!

fjrandol

OP, you said your married, and I'm curious as to where your husband is with all of this. Mine would be at the gym with me having a come to Jesus talk with the guy if I felt like I was being "stalked". Personally though, since you haven't actually exchanged even word one with this man, I don't feel like you're really in a position to be accusatory other than to complain that he's invading your bubble.

So he didn't leave the requisite number of machines between you. So what? Where's the law saying that people aren't allowed to work out next to each other? For all you know he's using you as a guide for how (and when) to work out. He might be shy, he might have Asperger's, or maybe he really is a creeper. But until you stand up for yourself and tell him (politely but firmly) to back off, he's not actually doing anything wrong.

Lets be honest here, most guys have a misguided sense of reality when it comes to women, and the vast majority of them can't take a hint if you hit them over the head with it. Be firm, be direct, and if it doesn't do the trick, then you are within your right to get management involved.

Do you really want to be known as the person next to whom noone can work out, because she'll just go running to the front desk about it?

GorillaEsq

In the end I think you're both leaning towards the same thing, just phrasing it differently. Especially as some others have mentioned going straight to management.

That was very nice, however we are not saying the same thing. And despite your honorable attempt to find some middle ground (which I do appreciate by the way), I do not want readers to confuse the messages here.

Patti is simply wrong. She is speaking from a lay perspective, with no training, background nor expertise in this matter. And though I respect her right to express her thoughts as she deems appropriate, said right in no way make her correct, credible nor worthy of consideration, especially when personal safety is involved.

"Telling management" is a complete waste of time and caters to a victim mentality. Period. It is paramount to a child "tattling" to a teacher.

Now in fairness, I also am only expressing my opinion, though I am doing so as an attorney, combatives and self-defense instructor with two decades of experience in this arena.

All that said, I may be wrong too.

Everyone will need to find their own path on this one.

perfectingpatti

Patti is simply wrong. She is speaking from a lay perspective, with no training, background nor expertise in this matter. And though I respect her right to express her thoughts as she deems appropriate, said right in no way make her correct, credible nor worthy of consideration, especially when personal safety is involved.

How can you claim my opinion is wrong? My opinion is that it is very important to let someone know when you feel stalked, regardless of any other actions you take. "Telling management" in no way caters to a victim mentality. You're trying to make women who report cases to management as being weak, and that is dangerous. It is not the same as a child "tattling" because someone called them a name. We're talking about a woman who feels stalked. In my lay perspective, no training, no expertise opinion, it is very important to let someone know when you feel you're being stalked.

And for the record, I couldn't care less what position it puts the gym in, legally. If a member there is stalking me, I'm going to report it. It's then up to them to decide how they want to handle stalkers in their own gyms. I will also tell the person to back off, but I want it on record with the gym so they are aware of it.

Now in fairness, I also am only expressing my opinion, though I am doing so as an attorney, combatives and self-defense instructor with two decades of experience in this arena.

Self defense is awesome. Being able to scare off a would-be attacker is great. My point of contention is you advising a woman who feels stalked against telling management because it's "tattling like a child" and "caters to victim mentality". Using self-defense tactics as well as reporting the issue is the best approach, in my opinion.

penrbrown

In the end I think you're both leaning towards the same thing, just phrasing it differently. Especially as some others have mentioned going straight to management.

That was very nice, however we are not saying the same thing. And despite your honorable attempt to find some middle ground (which I do appreciate by the way), I do not want readers to confuse the messages here.

Patti is simply wrong. She is speaking from a lay perspective, with no training, background nor expertise in this matter. And though I respect her right to express her thoughts as she deems appropriate, said right in no way make her correct, credible nor worthy of consideration, especially when personal safety is involved.

"Telling management" is a complete waste of time and caters to a victim mentality. Period. It is paramount to a child "tattling" to a teacher.

Now in fairness, I also am only expressing my opinion, though I am doing so as an attorney, combatives and self-defense instructor with two decades of experience in this arena.

All that said, I may be wrong too.

Everyone will need to find their own path on this one.

In all due respect, for all we know you HAVE NO EXPERIENCE EITHER. This is the internet. You could be exaggerating and/or making up your claim of 'expertise'. For all we know you're a really ****ty defense trainer.

Confrontation is not always the best option. In public, with many witnesses, maybe. But if she were on a dark street with no one else around, would you really advise her to go right up to him and ask; WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM BRA???? Really?

I agree with perfectingpat in that she should alert those in management. At the very least if a confrontation was to break out, at least management would know why.

To everyone else who's been saying management can't do anything - sucks to be American. If a customer harasses another customer in the store I work at, management HAS and WILL throw the harasser out. No lawsuits ever filed. I love being Canadian. You gotta be nice. If you're not you can get your *kitten* thrown out of businesses and there isn't anything you can do about it. :P

penrbrown

Using self-defense tactics as well as reporting the issue is the best approach, in my opinion.

In my experience, reporting the issue is PART of self-defense tactics. Like everyone else in this thread I too was raised by police officers and what I was taught is that you always leave a paper trail (unless you're planning to do something illegal).

datguy2011

I would report them. Come on here... we're not 10... its not "Taddling".. its being respectful... tell the management end of story.

lour441

If he is not invading your personal space I really do not see a problem. If you can't handle people using gym equipment next to you that is your issue.

anial

May be you have to look for gym, where is WOMENS ONLY aloud, no men ... Just reserch them on internet and (i pretty sure) you'll find a few.

HappyStack

I only read the first and last pages, but if the girl at the desk is aware that he's often following you from area to area and equipment to equipment, it might be a good idea to ask the gym's policy on this type of behaviour... and perhaps on what type of guy he is, in general [I like what someone said about him perhaps having a learning disability, I used to swim in a relatively quiet pool at the same time as a girl with Down's Syndrome, and she loved to interact with me... even in the middle of a lap. This happens, you don't want to seem like an a-hole if this person genuinely has some type of difficulty with social norms.]

If he's just a genuine weirdo, and if their policy is to ban the offender, then you may be asking for more trouble than it's worth, it could make you the 'evil' party in his mind for reporting him, and therefore a target.

Don't involve him in the process until you know where you stand. Once you know what course of action the gym will take, decide how you're going to confront him. In my opinion, it makes sense to just ask him what he wants. If he wants to 'get involved' tell him in no uncertain terms that you aren't seeking that and that you would like him to leave you alone.

Lextmg86

This could be a potentially dangerous situation especially if your instincts are telling you something is wrong. If your uncomphortable telling him off escalate it to mgmt and if they decide not to act bring it to the police. He has rights at the gym just like you but this kind of thing happens alot and is usually resolved by mgmt asking the "stalker" to leave the gym permenentely if they decide he is acting innapropriately.