please do not judge, asking for advice

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  • vettle
    vettle Posts: 621 Member
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    you need to find new trainer. if you can't be friends, then you can't be anything else.
  • MinMin97
    MinMin97 Posts: 2,676 Member
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    The responses to this are depressing. So if someone has a crush on another person who is not their partner then they will definitely cheat unless they get that crush out of their life? That gives me little faith in ever being able to trust anyone.

    How about this OP, you love your husband and want to spend your life with him, which is why you married him. This crush on your trainer is just that, a crush, you're allowed to be attracted to other people, being married doesn't give you blinders. Just exercise some self control, don't engage in any sexy physical things with your trainer. Enjoy the crush but accept it as just that, a trivial little crush that in no way could ever measure up to the way you feel about your husband. Why would you have a fling with your crush when you have a marriage with the love of your life?
    Right.
    It is not about trust.
    It's about responsibility.
    But when YOU get married feel free to set the parameters where ever you wish!
    However, I will not be giving anyone counsel to mess around with temptation....
  • PisceanDream224
    PisceanDream224 Posts: 168
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    Perhaps there is some underlying reason why you have developed a crush on him that stems from something missing in your marriage. I suggest seeking marital counseling, especially if you and your husband are going through any difficulties or even not communicating.

    As for the trainer, I would definitely advice keeping him out of the picture. Find another trainer, possibly a female trainer, that you can work with. It is better to not have temptation at hand when it can hurt your marriage and possibly other people outside of your marriage. Good luck!
  • PisceanDream224
    PisceanDream224 Posts: 168
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    I also wanted to add that you don't have to keep him out of your life period. It is okay to associate with your trainer since he is your husband's friend. I would just keep it at a minimum until your feelings are sorted out. :)
  • ginapless
    ginapless Posts: 68 Member
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    I know from personal experience where this is headed, and as many others have said - time for a new trainer (female might be a good way to go). As far as him being a family friend, never allow yourself to be alone with him - always have hubby close by so as to not invite problematic/intimate conversations.

    And if by chance you aren't happy with your marriage, keep a clear head and deal with that first. If you want to stay married, great! Just don't "go there" and open yourself up to dangerous situation that will only hurt all parties involved.

    Bottom line, one relationship at a time is a good rule of thumb. :)
    Be strong.

    Gina
  • mwcraig34
    mwcraig34 Posts: 359 Member
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    Okay.. wait wait.

    First of all, is your marriage in good standing? Its NORMAL for people to be attracted to the other sex. Acting on it is another issue.. im worried that you said "cheating is not an issue as he isnt interested in it" but would you cheat?

    Here is the thing.. you MUST talk to your husband. Tell him that spending time with another man is making you feel uncomfortable as your body is changing. (Because its the truth, you are uncomfortable with the way you are feeling..) And ask him he would help you in finding a female trainer.

    Not only will this reassure him, it will make him feel like a part of your journey and in turn, he will continue to be, or will become more supportive of you.

    Lying is never good in any relationship, so dont start now! Truth of the matter is that you dont have to come right out & say.. "i would bone this dude" but you can do it in an honest way, keep your marriage safe and still continue to lose weight and get healthy.


    Also, i would just like to add that the constand smoking isnt to get your mind off him.. its because you are stressing about it.

    Good luck.

    I agree with this statement! As a man I would want my wife to be honest with me! If you haven't done anything with this trainer than you are still in the good graces of your marriage. Dont throw away years for minutes!
  • treebyriver
    treebyriver Posts: 9 Member
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    Hi... Thank you for posting and being open about the struggle you are having. I agree with the other people that for your sake and for your husbands and for the friendship they share and for the trainer's family, it would be best to say that you appreciate all that he's taught you, and you would like to change things up and experience having a female trainer in the future. Don't tell him in any way that you are infatuated with him. Don't tell him your personal feelings about anything. Keep everything "vanilla" as another person suggested. This is also a wakeup call for you to work on growing your intimacy in every way with your husband. In the meantime, use this time to reflect on what emotional needs you may be thirsty for-- This is a good resource with helpful "tests" to help you see yourself more clearly. They also have marriage retreats and books and videos-- as well as interesting places to browse (whether a person is married or not). http://smalley.cc/ Choose what is right. There is no substitute for a clean conscience... and the guilt and pain that come from an unwise attachment can last much longer than a person realizes at the time.
  • talyho
    talyho Posts: 3 Member
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    Great advice. Now think on this. There is no need to think up an excuse. That just adds pressure. You haven't done anything wrong, you recognize a need for change, so just do it. No need to confess to your husband and risk making him think its more than it is, and really interfere with his friendship and/or comfort level of you and his friendship. Instead, redesign your life to allow you to further yourself in this journey. Find a new class or two you really want to go to. Find a new workout buddy that you commit to meeting at regular time several days a week. And when your husband wants to go to see his friend as a trainer and invites you, then go if you like. Encourage him. And give him the chance to encourage you. But only you know about this crush, and no good will come from airing it. Had you acted in it, that would be different. But just stop reading more into it. He is a friend so don't make it complicated. There is too much to lose all the way around. Simply further your journey then you won't have time or need to meet with him, unless your honey is with you. You are just too emotionally involved with your own crush (not even with him) and you are panicking. Take a deep breath and look at this as what it is - a problem to solve, and nothing more.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    The responses to this are depressing. So if someone has a crush on another person who is not their partner then they will definitely cheat unless they get that crush out of their life? That gives me little faith in ever being able to trust anyone.

    How about this OP, you love your husband and want to spend your life with him, which is why you married him. This crush on your trainer is just that, a crush, you're allowed to be attracted to other people, being married doesn't give you blinders. Just exercise some self control, don't engage in any sexy physical things with your trainer. Enjoy the crush but accept it as just that, a trivial little crush that in no way could ever measure up to the way you feel about your husband. Why would you have a fling with your crush when you have a marriage with the love of your life?

    The advice is not based on all marriages. Just on what the OP said. It seemed serious because she felt the need to post it here. Anyway, my advice was for her to rev up her sex life with her husband, redirect all this new stuff she is feeling with her husband, and enjoy that!
  • skinimin
    skinimin Posts: 252 Member
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    The responses to this are depressing. So if someone has a crush on another person who is not their partner then they will definitely cheat unless they get that crush out of their life? That gives me little faith in ever being able to trust anyone.

    How about this OP, you love your husband and want to spend your life with him, which is why you married him. This crush on your trainer is just that, a crush, you're allowed to be attracted to other people, being married doesn't give you blinders. Just exercise some self control, don't engage in any sexy physical things with your trainer. Enjoy the crush but accept it as just that, a trivial little crush that in no way could ever measure up to the way you feel about your husband. Why would you have a fling with your crush when you have a marriage with the love of your life?
    Right.
    It is not about trust.
    It's about responsibility.
    But when YOU get married feel free to set the parameters where ever you wish!
    However, I will not be giving anyone counsel to mess around with temptation....

    So aggressive!
    I like to think that being with the right person means feeling strongly enough about them that a crush wouldn't be a temptation.

    Perhaps I am naive to think that love like that exists, which really doesn't give me much to look forward to in life if that is the case. What a cruel lesson for me to learn at 21.
  • LowcarbNY
    LowcarbNY Posts: 546 Member
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    i love my husband very much
    Do you really? They why are you untrue to him?
    and i feel so guilty.
    That is understandable
    Im asking you how can i get over this and forget about him
    cut all ties with your trainer, have NOTHING more to do with him. No training, no talking, no coffee chats, nothing. Go to another gym .
    and this obstacle and keep him as my friend (im guessing at arm's length) with out jeopordizing my marriage.
    You can't. You husband will figure it out, if he hasn't already and your sand castle will come crashing down.
  • MinMin97
    MinMin97 Posts: 2,676 Member
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    The responses to this are depressing. So if someone has a crush on another person who is not their partner then they will definitely cheat unless they get that crush out of their life? That gives me little faith in ever being able to trust anyone.

    How about this OP, you love your husband and want to spend your life with him, which is why you married him. This crush on your trainer is just that, a crush, you're allowed to be attracted to other people, being married doesn't give you blinders. Just exercise some self control, don't engage in any sexy physical things with your trainer. Enjoy the crush but accept it as just that, a trivial little crush that in no way could ever measure up to the way you feel about your husband. Why would you have a fling with your crush when you have a marriage with the love of your life?
    Right.
    It is not about trust.
    It's about responsibility.
    But when YOU get married feel free to set the parameters where ever you wish!
    However, I will not be giving anyone counsel to mess around with temptation....

    So aggressive!
    I like to think that being with the right person means feeling strongly enough about them that a crush wouldn't be a temptation.

    Perhaps I am naive to think that love like that exists, which really doesn't give me much to look forward to in life if that is the case. What a cruel lesson for me to learn at 21.
    Right again,
    When you get married, you can still have and develop strong feelings for others.
    Now you know!
    And thus the counsel you would get from me is, dont play with that temptation. While it IS normal, don't play with it.
  • Toshiana123
    Toshiana123 Posts: 72
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    God always gives us a way to escape, and we have a choice. I would run for the boarder...your marriage is worth more than something that's going to probably last a hot minute...if that! Choose love and not lust. I'll be praying for you! ;0)
  • Solar07
    Solar07 Posts: 83 Member
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    Like you even said, its a crush. Just get a new trainer and do your best to forget about it.
  • ExplorinLauren
    ExplorinLauren Posts: 991 Member
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    Reverse everything you said... and pretend it is your husband doing this to you.
    Now, what would YOUR advice be to HIM???
    That is what you need to do!
  • Aventuria
    Aventuria Posts: 151
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    its not a gym membership, its just a group of friends working out together, he is taking time out to help us (sometimes my husband goes, sometimes not) very tough situation for me really.

    You could also say you want a one-on-one female trainer and not work out in a group anymore to get to your goal.
  • blackbeauty43
    blackbeauty43 Posts: 21 Member
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    ok, this is coming from a marriage and family therapist. Indeed you need to limit your exposure to your crush. Also, you need to start engaging in some of the activities with your husband that you used to do frequently in the beginning of your relationship. Often when a married person develops a crush it has nothing to do with the person you have a crush on and everything to do with your longing to feel the magic of a new relationship. Double your quality time with your husband, start dating again and you will forget your crush! ( I had to do this to bring some magic back myself)
  • roohill
    roohill Posts: 87 Member
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    Before I put in my two cents, I first want to say, I do not judge you. Ive read all the comments here, and I agree with most of them. But honestly, the one word in your post that sticks out to me , is "guilty" That's a horrible feeling to have. I don't agree with the posters saying you need to RUN FAST to a new trainer... obviously if you plan to act on the crush then sure, I would say cut all ties as much as possible. But id first work on figuring out why you feel guilty, because switching trainers alone probably won't dissolve the guilt you already feel. You said he would never act on it, but does that mean you would? Is that what you feel guilty about? Someone mentioned reminding yourself that "its his job!" I think that's great advice. Maybe telling yourself you are nothing more than a client to him will help burst the intensity of your crush. Thinking someone's attractive and being excited to spend time with them are innocent things, that I wouldn't think anyone should feel overly guilty about. But only you know your intentions, and if it goes further than that in your mind. Be honest with yourself, and your husband. For better or worse. Good luck, sorry you are struggling with this.
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member
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    OP herself has said she knows she should get a different trainer and can't seem to do it. But she's chain smoking due to the stress. Don't people see that is more complicated than an innocent, no-risk crush?
  • icandoit203
    icandoit203 Posts: 170 Member
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    what excuse do i give? help is appreciated

    No excuse just say that you have chosen to go with a different trainer. No explaination is needed you can be nice thank him for the routines you learned from him. Trainers understand sometimes you try different trainers to have a variety of exercises that is why there is always more than two trainers in a gym. So you can include the exercises into your own routine when you are not with a trainer.

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