need relationship advice :/

ShreddedTweet

My advice is you are too young to settle.

i'm 21 and engaged. iv been with my partner for 2 years and lived together for 1 and a half. il be 23 when i get married. am i 'too young'?

Yep!

ETA: At your age I was doing my second degree before I did my MA and travelled the world. I met many men and did a lot of growing and changing in those years. People who marry too early are more likely to get divorced when they finally grow up and realise all they have in common with their partner is a bad relationship!

rgrange

and women wonder why they get cheated on and/or end up divorced. Just because I may look at porn, it doesn't mean I want my wife to have a 3 way or let me use 22" toys in every hole while I watch. Warps our minds? Give me a break.

Saying this in the nicest way possible, in my experience, many women (ESPECIALLY on the Internet) give terrible relationship advice.

Iceman1800

My advice is you are too young to settle.

i'm 21 and engaged. iv been with my partner for 2 years and lived together for 1 and a half. il be 23 when i get married. am i 'too young'?

nope, just make sure you both communicate and are compatible.

MandaPaigeSparkles88

I am going to say this. I don't see anything wrong personally with watching porn. I've watched it I know a lot of my friends guys and girls have watched it. Most men are not going to admit that they watch porn especially to their wives or girlfriends. You are in the wrong for snooping through his phone and computer. One time is fine, but if you keep repeatedly keep doing it he's going to not trust you at all. Maybe the two of you should take a break and be apart for a while like a month or two and give it sometime, then reconcile and try to work it out.

Dreamerlove

My advice is you are too young to settle.

Yes! They are so right. Pack your bags, travel the world, Meet new men. Men, who respect you enough not to look at porn and not to lie. They do exist. I promise. They are rare, you just have to look in hard to find places. Get your education, if you don't already have it. Enjoy your 20's. I wouldn't put up with all that stress if your not married.

P.S. Don't snoop any more. If you have a feeling that he is lying. Then most likely he is. I bet when you had a feeling he was watching porn you confronted him and he talked you out of it, making you think you were crazy. So you snooped and you were right. Don't snoop though, not through your boyfriends stuff, your future kids stuff...anything. That is wrong too. Plus if you are looking for something most likely you will find something and turn it into something its not.

karenwill2

Porn is awesome.

Let the poor man have some privacy.

THIS! Men must have porn. So long as he isn't making you go bankrupt then let him be. He is 23 for cripes sake. It is normal so relax a little.

Pinkigloopyxie

Uh..... women prefer fictional books and men prefer pornography... pretty sure that's a proven difference between the sexes. The guy knows he can't ever get with any of those women anyways, so even if they do look better than you, it's no different from your Edward Cullens and Christian Greys and Jamie Fosters.

I honestly don't understand the whole whole deal about porn. Biologically men are programmed to have sex with more women and women are programmed to find someone to bear strong children. (Mind, this is on a purely biological/animalistic level, not taking into account modern society and individual morality)

Some girls love porn as well, and others hate it. It depends on how you were raised and if your family shamed you about it or not. Men and women both are shamed into having to hide their porn, mayne the guy just felt pressured to have to give up something he really liked and was resentful of it so had to try and sneak it in.

Besides that, addressing the part where she offered to watch it with him... c'mon... you know women get jealous and sometimes can't control what they say. She could talk throughout the whole thing, point out flaws like 'her breasts are definitely fake' and make comments like 'I guess you like women with big butts best, huh?' in a snide tone. The guy isn't going to enjoy it, she's obviously not going to enjoy it, and they'll probably argue later.

Now if she COULD in fact actually properly watch a porn with him and get turned on by it 'That's so hot.' etc. etc. consummation etc., then that would be awesome and strengthen their bond and make it enjoyable without making the guy get rid of it entirely or making him have to watch it in secret and making him feel like he HAD to watch more whenever he could because you could find out any day and forbid him from doing it anymore.

Maybe OP needs to find a bf who doesn't like porn and her bf could find a woman who does. There are plenty of upstanding guys out there who can't stand porn.

sixrings

Porn is my friend :-D

Iansmommy123011

Move out. It's not working between the two of you. And date around. I wouldn't move with anyone till you find someone that you are really serious about. My sister moved in with her husband when they started to date. They lived with each other for 7 years and after they got engaged things started to go down hill with each other. They got married finally last year and when I see her things are getting worse. Told me she should of dating around before she thought he was the one and they were both young. They were about the same age you are when they moved in. I told her the same thing. You should of waited till you find the person you think you are really serious about.

bluedecor

"yes he says that i complain too much and he doesn't want to be around me but the thing is when i "complain" its usually just the basics of living together like do the dishes tonight, clean up after yourself in the bathroom, etc and he just shuts down and doesn't communicate with me at all. he just gets angry and tells me to shut up and that makes me do the opposite of shut up."

If he can't handle the basics of communication, like household chores negotiation, and shuts down or yells rather than communicate with you, it's a tell for someone who is not ready to be in a relationship. He may have other issues you don't know about. You DO NOT want to get knocked up by this guy, that would tie you to him for years like it or not. Listen to your gut. Is this the future you want? Tension, no communication, no sex? The porn is not that big a deal. The fact that he can't restrain himself is the bigger problem. You are not as important to him as his porn time. He can't be bothered to carry his weight in the household. Ask yourself, why are we together? Financial reasons? Don't think you can do better? Got too much time invested in this guy - not!




GET OUT NOW

Kenzietea2

listen to me carefully now

All. Men. Watch. Porn. All of them. Get over it and shut up

this. It doesn't mean we want our wives to be porn stars. OP's problem is that her husband is using it to get off daily and he doesn't have anything left for her. That's the issue she needs to discuss. Is she exciting him? Missionary style only? Unwilling to experiment?

Although I have nothing against porn and believe it is a way to act out fantasies or just for fun, all men do not watch porn. Majority? Absolutely.
But I don't see why people are failing to realize the real problem here, the fact he is lying and the fact OP mentioned their sex life is suffering. The sneaky behavior and lack of physical intimacy with his partner screams 'addiction'. If he had any balls, he'd simply wouldn't sneak around about it and explain to her why he watches it. She also did mention she would be willing to watch it with him. So clearly it is the dude that has some issues regarding his porn habits.

OP, you shouldn't be snooping, but you also shouldn't be feeling the urge to. The real problem here is your significant other's lies. Maybe a third person mediator would be a good idea for you both. He could just be embarrassed, or wants to please you so bad he chooses lying over telling the truth, none of us can know for sure but you shouldn't be okay with him lying to you. If anything, it is making you feel insecure.

P.s., has no one ever heard of private browsing? It is so easy to hide what you're looking at online now-a-days, I am surprised he is dumb enough to get caught, lol.

missbp

i refuse to compromise on something that results in practically no sex life and being disrespected and lied to.

So you have answered your own question. At 24 you are feeling un-desired, disrespected and lied to. What more is there to consider? My advice is, after you or he move out, spend some time thinking about your own issues with porn. Also, take what you have learned from this experience with you on the journey. The relationship may not work out, but YOU are only a failure if you didn't learn anything from it.
Good luck!
M

jrutledge01

why not just let him wank his pud in peace? watching porn is fine - just leave him alone and quit being an over-obsessive girlfriend (browsing through his recycle bin, seriously? you're literally looking for **** to get mad about)

Iceman1800

The more I read, I see a major issue. This is not about porn. It's about 2 people in a non compatibile relationship. It's time to move on, neither of you are right for the other

AudreyinNC

Why is the porn thing SUCH an issue with you? If its because of your own insecurities, you may need to learn to lighten up.
My husband used to have to hide his porn from his ex-wife, she was so insecure about herself and their relationship that
she was jealous of other women, even women on videos that he had never even met. This was HER issue, not his.
Of course the marriage didnt last long, and he has expressed many times how miserable he was because of her constant
accusations, snooping and the fact that he had to lie and and keep even minor things from her to keep from fighting.
Men watch porn, And some women. LOL Its natural. They love it. My husband is 42, and STILL gets videos sent to him from his brothers and friends, pic texts, nasty stuff. I see it all the time and laugh about it. I have no issues what so ever with it.
I even bought him a lap dance one time on his birthday, that was a good night when we got home!!!! We've been married 10
years this year. He has never cheated, never lied, and never felt like he had too with me, unlike his ex-wife where he lied about
EVERYTHING from the ladies at work, to who he was talking to on the phone.
He is lying to you because he knows if he tells you, it will start a fight. You are giving him no choice but to hide who he is from you. Think about how you have reacted to it! And you blame him for lying? I would too!
This is a hard lesson I've learned from raising a teenager. If you were not so uptight, he wouldn't feel the need to have to lie about it. Hell, my husband says "Look at this freaking video Larry sent me today it's crazy!"
Of course, this is just my opinion. If you can't get past it, you may need to find a different kind of man. Good luck finding one that
hates porn as much as you do though. My advice, if you love this guy, let the porn go and lighten up girl! It may be too little too late though, it sounds to me like he's just as tired as you. From your original post you didn't mention he spent money on it, or watched it 24 hours a day. So it's not an addiction. He's a 24 year old man that likes porn, and happens to have a rigid girlfriend he had to lie to about it.

redraidergirl2009

Ugh Um starting to think she is a troll or incredibly immature. She wines about how she's so unhappy but keeps making excuses for him.

randomtai

listen to me carefully now

All. Men. Watch. Porn. All of them. Get over it and shut up

this. It doesn't mean we want our wives to be porn stars. OP's problem is that her husband is using it to get off daily and he doesn't have anything left for her. That's the issue she needs to discuss. Is she exciting him? Missionary style only? Unwilling to experiment?

Although I have nothing against porn and believe it is a way to act out fantasies or just for fun, all men do not watch porn. Majority? Absolutely.
But I don't see why people are failing to realize the real problem here, the fact he is lying and the fact OP mentioned their sex life is suffering. The sneaky behavior and lack of physical intimacy with his partner screams 'addiction'. If he had any balls, he'd simply wouldn't sneak around about it and explain to her why he watches it. She also did mention she would be willing to watch it with him. So clearly it is the dude that has some issues regarding his porn habits.

OP, you shouldn't be snooping, but you also shouldn't be feeling the urge to. The real problem here is your significant other's lies. Maybe a third person mediator would be a good idea for you both. He could just be embarrassed, or wants to please you so bad he chooses lying over telling the truth, none of us can know for sure but you shouldn't be okay with him lying to you. If anything, it is making you feel insecure.

P.s., has no one ever heard of private browsing? It is so easy to hide what you're looking at online now-a-days, I am surprised he is dumb enough to get caught, lol.

THIS THIS THIS

kburns0709

listen to me carefully now

All. Men. Watch. Porn. All of them. Get over it and shut up

this. It doesn't mean we want our wives to be porn stars. OP's problem is that her husband is using it to get off daily and he doesn't have anything left for her. That's the issue she needs to discuss. Is she exciting him? Missionary style only? Unwilling to experiment?

Although I have nothing against porn and believe it is a way to act out fantasies or just for fun, all men do not watch porn. Majority? Absolutely.
But I don't see why people are failing to realize the real problem here, the fact he is lying and the fact OP mentioned their sex life is suffering. The sneaky behavior and lack of physical intimacy with his partner screams 'addiction'. If he had any balls, he'd simply wouldn't sneak around about it and explain to her why he watches it. She also did mention she would be willing to watch it with him. So clearly it is the dude that has some issues regarding his porn habits.

OP, you shouldn't be snooping, but you also shouldn't be feeling the urge to. The real problem here is your significant other's lies. Maybe a third person mediator would be a good idea for you both. He could just be embarrassed, or wants to please you so bad he chooses lying over telling the truth, none of us can know for sure but you shouldn't be okay with him lying to you. If anything, it is making you feel insecure.

P.s., has no one ever heard of private browsing? It is so easy to hide what you're looking at online now-a-days, I am surprised he is dumb enough to get caught, lol.

THIS THIS THIS

Yes. They ALL watch it.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/relationships/6709646/All-men-watch-porn-scientists-find.html

missbp

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oh calm down i wasn't insulting you i'm saying that I personally think its stupid that i have to choose to either be cheated on or him looking at porn. why am i not enough?
[/quote]

The real question you should be asking is, is HE enough for you? He continually does several things that you strongly dislike.

1) He watches porn.
2) He lies about watching porn.
3) He does not fulfill your own needs for intimacy.
4) He does not take pride in the home that you share to the degree that you would like him to, hence your mention of him leaving his stuff all over and not picking up after himself, which he feels you nag him about.
5) You feel like you have been forced into engaging in behavior that you don't like or agree with, ie. the snooping.
6) Lastly and probably most importantly, he does not value your relationship enough to be able to share with you what he needs in the relationship, to be happy.

This may not really be about him at all. This is sounding to be more and more about your own feelings of being unfulfilled in the relationship. You are not married to this man. I did not read that you have children with him, so I am assuming your are not bound to him in that way either. The question you need to ask yourself is, "Why am I staying in a relationship that I don't really feel happy in?"

Again, good luck!
M

taiyola

This is tough because you are both wrong.

Trust me, I've been the snoop. I've been the one jumping down his throat for hiding things from me. And you know what it got me? Separated.

Maybe you should address some of your personal issues with porn. What about it don't you like? Why is it so bad that he enjoys watching it? Is it because you are insecure? Have a bad sex life? Stress keeping you apart? There are a million answers to that question.

I mean this with all sincerity, but you can't make him change. Either you can change (and it sounds like you'll need to because he isn't) or you can leave. You can't expect him to change. That's unfair, because to him, it's not wrong because he's not cheating on you.

EDIT: I don't mean this to sound pro-porn, I'm not intending it that way. I'm just trying to understand if it's religious or personal preference, and if it can be changed if you want to keep the relationship.

This.

In my opinion, it would only be a problem in my relationship if my partner was watching porn rather than having sex with me. Most people I know watch porn, it's a normal thing. You can't be with your partner 24/7, and sometimes you've just got the horn! No biggie.

I think you're being unreasonable in expecting him to never watch porn because you're possibly insecure. That is *your* issue that you may need to address. He probably lies because he can guess your reaction to it and can't be dealing with the arguments/stress.

Hope you can sort it out, anyway!