need relationship advice :/
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I quit settling at age 50. The hard lesson learned is you don't have to settle. Compromise maybe, but settle no. When you look back on your life, will you look back and see your "settling" as a major mistake or look on it as something not to be regretted. If you are that uncomfortable with your living situation, my best advice is "walk away".0
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yes he says that i complain too much and he doesn't want to be around me but the thing is when i "complain" its usually just the basics of living together like do the dishes tonight, clean up after yourself in the bathroom, etc and he just shuts down and doesn't communicate with me at all. he just gets angry and tells me to shut up and that makes me do the opposite of shut up.
^^^ The porn is not the issue. This is the issue. If he is telling you he doesn't want to be around you, isn't sexually active with you and seeks porn instead, it sounds like your decision is already made for you. Why would you want to stay? Just sayin'
After reading many responses... I have to agree with this. If he's not wanting to be around you, have sex with you, etc... Why are YOU still there? You are young. Find someone who feels the same way you do.
My husband watches porn, but as far as I know, it's only while he's away on deployment. I am very understanding. He has needs. I am not there to fulfill those needs, and I'd much rather him "rub one out" than sleep with a random female soldier. When he is home, I have never caught him looking at porn. I also don't snoop though. I don't look through computer history, his facebook, email, etc. I have been down that road before at the beginning of our relationship, and I've decided there's no point. It only causes unnecessary stress for both of us. I never found anything worth-while anyways.0 -
My bf and I have been together for 2.5 years and moved in together earlier this year. I just turned 24 and he will be 24 next year... my problem is that he has lied to me several times about his porn use.. of course i found this after snooping my mistake the first time. after i found it we talked about it and i told him i wasn't comfortable with it and if he wanted to we could watch it together. he said he wouldn't do it again and i believed him. i caught him again after finding it in his recycle bin on his computer. i told him again that i couldn't believe he lied to me and he knew how i felt about it. of course after that i really doubted him and didn't believe him when he said he didn't and that he would tell me if he did. since then he was always very secretive with his phone and his computer and that made me even more suspicious because if he lied to me once he can lie again. recently he left his phone behind and curious i checked and bam for the past week of history it was videos and videos of other chicks, chubby, petite, and all other kinds. i was FURIOUS because a few days before i found it i had asked him to just tell me the truth if he has and he said i was crazy and no he hasnt. i told him that lying about it is just going to make it worse and of course he lied. that day i talked to him about it and he said he was tired of me going through his things and blah blah blah.. i get it snooping is bad but at the same time if he looked at my things he wouldn't find anything he needed to worry about. the worst part is that we barely are physical anymore. he says it's because i complain a lot and whatever.. but why can't he just communicate with me? apparently i communicate too much and he communicates way too little. i want to be with him but the thought of him putting me through this again the lying and the betrayal is just driving me crazy. it's been a month since then and things were okay but i just don't know what to do. he says he can really change this time and that hes sorry but its the same story as before!!! i dont know what to do
his excuse is i complain too much and asks what would be worse if i cheated on you or looked at porn? like i have to choose one?? neither of those is okay and neither is lying about it. i refuse to believe that i have to pick one of those with any guy because if that's the case i might as well be lesbian. ugh
i do want to be with him and work it out but i just don't know how.. any advice is appreciated
You guys shouldn't be together since you share different views on this. He doesn't see it as wrong and you do. Its really that simple. If you two stay in this relationship its just going to continue to be lies in this area.0 -
Guys are to porn like Women are to vibrators...
Its not becos he/she thinks less of you in a relationship or wants to slight you... its just a tool to get off when needed.
Never seen it put in a better way! Love this. My advice is either you can accept that hes going to do this and you stop snooping to start fights or if you feel this strongly about not wanting someone that looks at porn (kind of impossible with men) than you need to end the relationship and move on. Seems like there is 2 main problems here. One, you are insecure and it shows by how much you are fishing for stuff to catch him with and #2 he cant be honest with you (although it seems like hes trying and your just not listening).0 -
As someone who is majoring in addiction studies let me be the first to say...what he has SEEMS to be an addiction. Lying, hiding it, not caring about the consequences of these mentioned actions..these are all tell tale signs of an addiciton. Whether he feels it is wrong or not because he isnt cheating, to some cheating is more then just physical. It can be mental, emotional..etc etc. The fact you have confronted him, explained how you felt about the situation, offerend him a second, third, fourth chance and he has continued to feed you fairytales, is showing that he has no desire to stop. He is feeling guilty about his deceptions therefore is finding comfort in placing the blame on you for "snooping" and "complaining". If he has time to look at porn, but not be intimate with you, there are underlying issues you two may need to address. Am I a certified doctor? No, but again, addictions are my main focus in my studies.
You have to put your foot down and let him know that you are NOT ok with it. If he cannot compromise by either watching with you as you mentioned you didnt mind, or not doing it at all, he needs to know there will be reprecussions. He might not like the idea that you gave him a choice, but are you really ok with living with someone who is making you uncomfortable because his "needs and wants" are more important then respecting a simple wish of yours?
You are both young. You WILL have time to find someone who will understand your feelings toward porn. I promise you, you're not the only person who has ever felt that way, man or woman. But you need to realize that by putting your own comfortability aside, you are slowly allowing him to continue his behavior. You are becoming the enabler by not setting a ground rule and consequence, and then not following up on that consequence. If he knows you will forgive him each time, that's what he will tell you to ge you to plainly..shut up. Sorry, but it's true. The moment you stop letting him walk all over you, he will either get his **** together, or will walk away from you. And if he does the latter, then hunny he was never worth the trouble in the first place.
I disagree. Addiction is more rooted then this and we don't have enough details to know if this is addiction or not. What we got is a guy who enjoys porn that is with a girl who doesn't approve so his only option is to hide. We have no idea if this is interfering with his life, like can he work, can he go to social gatherings, hang out with friends, etc. Is to the point where he isn't doing any of these because he must look at porn non stop. etc. I think its irresponsible to label addiction on him when we don't have all the facts.0 -
you are too young to settle. It will always be in the bac of your mind that you can't trust him, will have to snoop and by doing so you will make yourself unhappy with your own behavior as well.
Relationships do NOT get better or easier, you add more and more that life throws at you and it becomes more difficult and more and more bad habits surface. Even those "cute" things are NOT cute at around year 6 or 7. That is what marriage is about... accepting the things your partner throws at you, no matter what (unless it is being unfaithful-which this may be considered or abuse).
Dating!!! is finding out more about one another and fleeing for it if it is too much.
If a guy really cared enough about someone they would have put a ring on the finger by now, even if it is a plastic one because he can't afford a better one. Either he is using you until something better comes along or he is not mature enough to want to settle. If he isnt' willing to be honest or give this up how will it be when say, you get prego and need him to sacrafice his spending habits to contribute, or, he needs to get up at 2 am to change a diaper or rock a collicky baby or have a csection and can do nothing for a while. We learn more about our relationship and date so we can make an educated prediction.0 -
I dont think you are going to particularly like my advice, but here goes. I think you should end it with him , move out and not be living in sin. It is a sin against God to be having sex outside of marriage. I dd it too at your age and hw I wish I could go back and change that now that I am more concerned about pleasing to God. He surely does not sound like husband or father material so in my opinion I would not waste my time. You need to get out of this and rethink your priorities in life . If you want to truly be happy in the future you need to take some soul searching time and seek Gods will for your life. He created you for himself - to know him ,to love him and to serve him . He loves you more than you can imagine and you are precious to him. Please take no art in the disgusting evil acts of pornogrphy. It has ruined many,many lives and marriages. Find a Godly man to be with ,one that will honor you and love you in the way you are made to be treasured! He'll also make a good father if you ever blessed with children. Gd bless you ! Sorry for sounding so motherly - but ive been where u are at and I wished someone ad said this to me!! Dee
What took so long for the religious ninnies to come out?0 -
And for all the guys out there, porn is not to men what vibrators are to women. There are women out there who have never masturbated, or used vibrators...me for instance!!!
YOU STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER RIGHT NOW. you have some serious me-time to attend to. Now for serious, how can you expect someone to be able to pleasure you if you don't know how yourself?
Now, back to the OP - have you tried watching porn with him? Preferably slightly inebriated? My partner's way into porn and it does not worry me at all - but I'm also somewhat happy to look at pictures of handsome men, so *shrugs*.0 -
LEAVE HIM LEAVE HIM LEAVE HIM!!!
It's only gonna GET WORSE!!
Porn addiction SUCKS!0 -
sorry but i think you need to chillout but the "this or cheating" thing was out of place. as long as hes still treating you right and is giving you everything you need i dont think it should be a big issue.0
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Guys are to porn like Women are to vibrators...
Its not becos he/she thinks less of you in a relationship or wants to slight you... its just a tool to get off when needed.
^^What he said...
The reason he is lying to you is because you are making such a big deal out of it. It is not right that he lies, but it is also not right for you to snoop and make him feel bad....try watching it with him. Instead of just saying you will..actually do it...you may enjoy it as well...0 -
id see how you would ave a problem with this, as he seems to think he needs to hide it. have you considered watching it with him? then you can use it as an opportunity to have some fun. i personally dont have a problem with my partner watching porn but if it was getting to the point where hed rather watch it than be with me id have to speak up0
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Yeah lying in a relationship... Good advice. So sad the things people put up with.0
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He shouldn't lie to you... and wth? You offered to watch it WITH him... that's freaking awesome... he should have taken that, he could have had his cake and eaten it too... Maybe you just need to sit him down one day and turn on the porn yourself and say "If you want to watch it, you watch it WITH me, not behind my back"0
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I don't think my gf minds me watching porn, it just means I'm bothering her for sex less.0
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listen to me carefully now
All. Men. Watch. Porn. All of them. Get over it and shut up0 -
and women wonder why they get cheated on and/or end up divorced. Just because I may look at porn, it doesn't mean I want my wife to have a 3 way or let me use 22" toys in every hole while I watch. Warps our minds? Give me a break.Porn is a hard no for me. I believe it gets men in the wrong mindset. Its warps their mind and gets them confused about sex. No sex isn't all the time. No its not perfect ( trust me! ) and not every women wants you. Sex should be about love. And just because its with love doesn't mean boring. Its actually better!! So i say no porn. I would leave because you made your boundaries known up front. He LIED and refuses to live up to your standards. I don't believe you should settle. Sorry for the ppl who are pro-porn but its a no for me.0 -
Don't be so uptight, porn is fine. Lying consistently however is not. I wouldn't be with someone who kept lying to me about anything. Besides, you're 24, go concentrate on college/career...the world is FULL of men!0
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My advice is you are too young to settle.
i'm 21 and engaged. iv been with my partner for 2 years and lived together for 1 and a half. il be 23 when i get married. am i 'too young'?0 -
this. It doesn't mean we want our wives to be porn stars. OP's problem is that her husband is using it to get off daily and he doesn't have anything left for her. That's the issue she needs to discuss. Is she exciting him? Missionary style only? Unwilling to experiment?listen to me carefully now
All. Men. Watch. Porn. All of them. Get over it and shut up0
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