need relationship advice :/

fairy33

i refuse to compromise on something that results in practically no sex life and being disrespected and lied to.

JennyLisT

This is going to sound horrible, but I'm going to type it anyway:

It takes two people to have sex, and I don't think you should assume that it's the porn's fault if you're in a dry spell. There are possible other factors.

You shouldn't be snooping, and he shouldn't be lying.

Honestly, I don't get why some women are so anti-porn. Unless he's locking himself away for days and comes out with calloused hands to tell you he's been fired for not showing up to work, I don't see the problem with occasional porn use.

fairy33

my issue is that we like never have sex anymore and that week that i found it he lied to me when i asked him about it.

^^ this is what I find odd. So he stopped having sex with you and watches porn instead? Have you asked him why?

yes he says that i complain too much and he doesn't want to be around me but the thing is when i "complain" its usually just the basics of living together like do the dishes tonight, clean up after yourself in the bathroom, etc and he just shuts down and doesn't communicate with me at all. he just gets angry and tells me to shut up and that makes me do the opposite of shut up.

ToughTulip

And for all the guys out there, porn is not to men what vibrators are to women. There are women out there who have never masturbated, or used vibrators...me for instance!!!

And not all men watch porn

fairy33

This is going to sound horrible, but I'm going to type it anyway:

It takes two people to have sex, and I don't think you should assume that it's the porn's fault if you're in a dry spell. There are possible other factors.

You shouldn't be snooping, and he shouldn't be lying.

Honestly, I don't get why some women are so anti-porn. Unless he's locking himself away for days and comes out with calloused hands to tell you he's been fired for not showing up to work, I don't see the problem with occasional porn use.

i do try to initiate and he says he's tired or doesn't want to etc and that upsets me because then i think he's watching porn instead which he was!!

fairy33

i really want to believe him when he says that he will change this time around but the fact that he has been caught with it THREE times makes me feel otherwise and is driving me crazy!!!

how do we rebuild trust when there is 0 there??

redraidergirl2009

dont get married

laserturkey

i refuse to compromise on something that results in practically no sex life and being disrespected and lied to.

The writing's on the wall, then. Time to cut bait and move on.

JennyLisT

i really want to believe him when he says that he will change this time around but the fact that he has been caught with it THREE times makes me feel otherwise and is driving me crazy!!!

how do we rebuild trust when there is 0 there??

I'm seriously curious about why you're so anti-porn.

toaster6

My bf and I have been together for 2.5 years and moved in together earlier this year. I just turned 24 and he will be 24 next year... my problem is that he has lied to me several times about his porn use.. of course i found this after snooping my mistake the first time. after i found it we talked about it and i told him i wasn't comfortable with it and if he wanted to we could watch it together. he said he wouldn't do it again and i believed him. i caught him again after finding it in his recycle bin on his computer. i told him again that i couldn't believe he lied to me and he knew how i felt about it. of course after that i really doubted him and didn't believe him when he said he didn't and that he would tell me if he did. since then he was always very secretive with his phone and his computer and that made me even more suspicious because if he lied to me once he can lie again. recently he left his phone behind and curious i checked and bam for the past week of history it was videos and videos of other chicks, chubby, petite, and all other kinds. i was FURIOUS because a few days before i found it i had asked him to just tell me the truth if he has and he said i was crazy and no he hasnt. i told him that lying about it is just going to make it worse and of course he lied. that day i talked to him about it and he said he was tired of me going through his things and blah blah blah.. i get it snooping is bad but at the same time if he looked at my things he wouldn't find anything he needed to worry about. the worst part is that we barely are physical anymore. he says it's because i complain a lot and whatever.. but why can't he just communicate with me? apparently i communicate too much and he communicates way too little. i want to be with him but the thought of him putting me through this again the lying and the betrayal is just driving me crazy. it's been a month since then and things were okay but i just don't know what to do. he says he can really change this time and that hes sorry but its the same story as before!!! i dont know what to do

his excuse is i complain too much and asks what would be worse if i cheated on you or looked at porn? like i have to choose one?? neither of those is okay and neither is lying about it. i refuse to believe that i have to pick one of those with any guy because if that's the case i might as well be lesbian. ugh

i do want to be with him and work it out but i just don't know how.. any advice is appreciated

Okay, I'm going to say this and it's going to sound harsh, but here goes...
Firstly, is it any wonder he's become so secretive when you keep invading his privacy? I wouldn't trust my boyfriend if he kept looking at my private things every time my back is turned. Would you trust someone that kept sneaking through your stuff? Secondly, if you're going to look for a man that doesn't watch porn, you're going to be a lonely woman (and turning lesbian won't help since a lot of women also watch/ read porn). For a lot of people, porn is just for stimulation or fantasy-- nothing more. Personally, I don't see why anyone would have a problem with that. Watching porn doesn't automatically mean that you want to/ would be unfaithful to the person you're with and it definitely doesn't mean that you don't love your significant other. The only thing that is worrisome to me about his behavior is the ultimatum of allowing him to watch porn or cheat. That is not normal and you should not put up with that. In any case, if you don't feel like you can trust your boyfriend, and it seems that you can't, then it is not a good match for you.

fairy33

i really want to believe him when he says that he will change this time around but the fact that he has been caught with it THREE times makes me feel otherwise and is driving me crazy!!!

how do we rebuild trust when there is 0 there??

I'm seriously curious about why you're so anti-porn.

it's not the porn itself its the fact that he lies to me about it, our sex life suffers and it's happened more than once. that is my issue

saragato

This is going to sound horrible, but I'm going to type it anyway:

It takes two people to have sex, and I don't think you should assume that it's the porn's fault if you're in a dry spell. There are possible other factors.

You shouldn't be snooping, and he shouldn't be lying.

Honestly, I don't get why some women are so anti-porn. Unless he's locking himself away for days and comes out with calloused hands to tell you he's been fired for not showing up to work, I don't see the problem with occasional porn use.

i do try to initiate and he says he's tired or doesn't want to etc and that upsets me because then i think he's watching porn instead which he was!!

To be honest he probably doesn't find you sexually attractive, especially if you two are arguing about even daily chores. I don't know any guy that can be aggravated with his girl and still manage to get it up to have sex with her, much less want to to begin with. If you, in his eyes, are nagging him left and right then it's not really rocket science to see why he'd turn to porn. Porn doesn't talk back, it's just crap on a screen.

Personally if you're having that bad of a problem, ask him if he would be alright with couple's counseling because you both have problems and an obvious bad communication setup. If you two can't get through to each other without someone getting mad or starting something from spite, you will not last.

elijhasmomma

As someone who is majoring in addiction studies let me be the first to say...what he has SEEMS to be an addiction. Lying, hiding it, not caring about the consequences of these mentioned actions..these are all tell tale signs of an addiciton. Whether he feels it is wrong or not because he isnt cheating, to some cheating is more then just physical. It can be mental, emotional..etc etc. The fact you have confronted him, explained how you felt about the situation, offerend him a second, third, fourth chance and he has continued to feed you fairytales, is showing that he has no desire to stop. He is feeling guilty about his deceptions therefore is finding comfort in placing the blame on you for "snooping" and "complaining". If he has time to look at porn, but not be intimate with you, there are underlying issues you two may need to address. Am I a certified doctor? No, but again, addictions are my main focus in my studies.

You have to put your foot down and let him know that you are NOT ok with it. If he cannot compromise by either watching with you as you mentioned you didnt mind, or not doing it at all, he needs to know there will be reprecussions. He might not like the idea that you gave him a choice, but are you really ok with living with someone who is making you uncomfortable because his "needs and wants" are more important then respecting a simple wish of yours?

You are both young. You WILL have time to find someone who will understand your feelings toward porn. I promise you, you're not the only person who has ever felt that way, man or woman. But you need to realize that by putting your own comfortability aside, you are slowly allowing him to continue his behavior. You are becoming the enabler by not setting a ground rule and consequence, and then not following up on that consequence. If he knows you will forgive him each time, that's what he will tell you to ge you to plainly..shut up. Sorry, but it's true. The moment you stop letting him walk all over you, he will either get his **** together, or will walk away from you. And if he does the latter, then hunny he was never worth the trouble in the first place.

thank you for this and i agree. i really love him but i feel like i've given him so many chances. i'm not ready to walk away this time but next time i will. i just don't know what to do. i'm so upset right now and it doesn't help that we live together and i have to see him everyday. ugh

There will always be an underlying tension because he will most likely continue to watch porn and hide it, and you will constantly wonder what is he hiding or lying about now? Is he still watching porn? And it will drive you to snoop. Not all women snoop because they want to be nosey, sometimes a man (or womans) actions can lead a woman (or man) to do things they wouldn't normally do. And if its not for good, then it cannot turn out healthy. If you are deadset on not being comfortable with him watching/hiding/lying about porn you need to let him know that it is a deal breaker for you. And if he cannot respect that, then there will have to be some seperation. Whether you leave, or you put him out. Porn can be okay in some instances. I will be upfront and say that I have never really had a problem with it, I woul watch it with my own boyfriend of almost 3 years, but never much because we had a great sex life. The fact that he has taken intimacy from you, and is still finding his kicks by watching porn, is disrespectful. How is it fair that he is allowed to watch porn and get off on his own time, but cannot give you the time you deserve as a woman?
And another thing, you say you won't walk away now, but the next time you will. Ask yourself....how many times have you said that? How many times has he said not this time, I won't do it anymore, but does anyway. If you feel so strongly about this, you cannot keep putting your feelings aside in hoping that he will change because he obviously has no desire to. You have ot make a choice, and stick to your guns. Now I'm not telling you which choice you have to make, only you can do that. But make it, and show him you will stick to it. If he has no problem lying about porn and is not giving you any sex, then I'm sorry but he MAY most likely be getting it from somewhere else. Maybe jus the porn gets him off, maybe it leads him to cheat because he watches these "films' that give UNREALISTIC ideas about sex and goes out to fulfill these fantasies. Maybe you could ask him if there was something in particular he liked about the porn he watches, maybe you guys could act out your own scenario? Idk..but feel free to friend me if you would like.

fairy33

Okay, I'm going to say this and it's going to sound harsh, but here goes...
Firstly, is it any wonder he's become so secretive when you keep invading his privacy? I wouldn't trust my boyfriend if he kept looking at my private things every time my back is turned. Would you trust someone that kept sneaking through your stuff? Secondly, if you're going to look for a man that doesn't watch porn, you're going to be a lonely woman (and turning lesbian won't help since a lot of women also watch/ read porn). For a lot of people, porn is just for stimulation or fantasy-- nothing more. Personally, I don't see why anyone would have a problem with that. Watching porn doesn't automatically mean that you want to/ would be unfaithful to the person you're with and it definitely doesn't mean that you don't love your significant other. The only thing that is worrisome to me about his behavior is the ultimatum of allowing him to watch porn or cheat. That is not normal and you should not put up with that. In any case, if you don't feel like you can trust your boyfriend, and it seems that you can't, then it is not a good match for you.

i understand what you're saying that he's secretive because he feels like he needs to be but at the same time if he was just honest there would be no need to be so secretive!

kealambert

this is not a break-upable offense, to me.

it's a point of contention that, I believe, you two can work out.

if your problem is feeling betrayed and lied to, that's the issue here, not that he likes porn and isn't being intimate.

and, put into perspective that he isn't cheating on you, or something equally bad.

porn addiction is a real issue (not that he necessarily has an addiction, but it's possible), and can be treated. and, if it's just a bad habit, it can be curbed as well.

redraidergirl2009

Why do you want to be with someone who lies to you? I did that, no thank you! Also he's not going to change, people rarely change. Besides if you really love the person you love them for who they are, you don't ask or expect them to change. Time to move on imo.

fairy33

To be honest he probably doesn't find you sexually attractive, especially if you two are arguing about even daily chores. I don't know any guy that can be aggravated with his girl and still manage to get it up to have sex with her, much less want to to begin with. If you, in his eyes, are nagging him left and right then it's not really rocket science to see why he'd turn to porn. Porn doesn't talk back, it's just crap on a screen.

Personally if you're having that bad of a problem, ask him if he would be alright with couple's counseling because you both have problems and an obvious bad communication setup. If you two can't get through to each other without someone getting mad or starting something from spite, you will not last.

thank you yes he said my "nagging" makes me unattractive but that is after the fact of him getting caught that he lied. he doesn't communicate until he just blows up and that's a problem. i don't know what to dooo. couples counseling sounds like a good idea.

SirRunningShorts

I think you should take your moral high ground and leave him. Leave that low class porn watcher...... you know he probably shakes his wanger at it?!?!?! You need to leave him right away. Do not settle until you find a man that doesn't watch porn... One that would rather talk to you for hours instead of just getting off every now and then. That should take no time... have fun. Set the poor boy free.

paintlisapurple

This is going to sound horrible, but I'm going to type it anyway:

It takes two people to have sex, and I don't think you should assume that it's the porn's fault if you're in a dry spell. There are possible other factors.

You shouldn't be snooping, and he shouldn't be lying.

Honestly, I don't get why some women are so anti-porn. Unless he's locking himself away for days and comes out with calloused hands to tell you he's been fired for not showing up to work, I don't see the problem with occasional porn use.

He wouldn't be lying about it if he didn't think there was anything wrong with it. Okay, so porn is (fill in the blank, I won't give my opinion as it doesn't matter a bit), but lying is definitely a no no.

wickedboots

In my opinion, lying is the issue. Porn is secondary. If someone lies in a relationship about porn, they can and will lie about other issues.

Maybe approach the issue about not telling the truth. His dishonesty has made you doubt your relationship. There are so many things in life that come up that you must be honest about...things far more detrimental to a relationship than porn.

Be strong. Stay true to yourself.