A tip for parents (and others, I guess)
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My parents showed me all sorts of respect and freedom...and I abused the heck out of it and did things that 35 years later I'd blush to share with them.
Conversation is great. Respect is great.
Remembering that they're kids with overdeveloped hormones and underdeveloped brains is even better.
I monitor everything and they know it.
If they tamper with anything, they're punished as if I busted them in the act of whatever.0 -
Believe it or not children want rules and discipline (not abuse). They need to be fair and you need to discuss it with them. Not all children need the same rules and discipline though. Too strict and they may completely rebel, to lenient and they will continue to push the limits to see when you (the parent) will step in and say enough. But if some boy thought he was going to date my daughter and he was looking up inappropriate things on my computer that would be the end of that relationship. My daughters will respect themselves enough and will make the appropriate decision if that ever happens. If he doesn't respect her or her family enough to not do those things (especially in my house) then he doesn't deserve to date my daughter.0
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So, what's the tip?
Act like a warden and your kids will learn to act like criminals.
My dad used to ask me about the situation at hand first. Problem was, he always interrogated me (he has law enforcement background and now works as a fed). That clearly didn't work either. I became very good at lying to avoid the situation all together. Sometimes a little open communication and trust can go a long way.
Ditto. My dad was SO strict and interrogated me about EVERYTHING. Some of the rules he had for me in high school were ridiculous. So instead of being more obedient, I just got sneakier and told him less and less. Our relationship really suffered from the time I was about 14 until I was maybe a sophomore in college. Of course, kids need to learn to respect their parents' rules. But that doesn't mean parents shouldn't have respect for their kids.0 -
I have three girls (ages 21, 19 and 13). We have never "tracked histories" or police our internet in any way. (and we all have our own computers/laptops/tablets.) There is a lot of opportunity for them to find things but we handle it by actually TALKING to our kids. From the time they could talk, we've been open and honest (age appropriate) about everything. Sex, drugs (even rock and roll!) suicide, bullying, peer pressure, sexual orientation, politics, alcohol, partying, relationships, body issues, religion, yadda yadda yadda. We listen to them. We point out pros and cons and responsibility and possible scenarios and repercussions. It works REALLY WELL. Just BE THERE for them. Mutual respect goes a LONG WAY and doesn't require being a prison guard.
Setting limits or imposing consequences is not the start of a prison construction project... It is a lesson in life.
No one with job, relationship, or even in school does whatever they want. Most have consequences for a failure to perform or when they perform badly. If you want a child to succeed they need to have the tools to succeed. When they make mistakes as a child they need to be aware there are consequences for those mistakes in order to consider their actions and look for positive rather than negative results in life. FYI - I do not do a lot of punishing of my kids - they make mistakes sometimes and depending on the mistake I may well let life hand them the consequence and explain why, or if it is apparently that life is not going to present them with a consequence in a timely fashion I may impose one of my own.0 -
Dammit she beat me to it.....this will be fun. Popcorn anyone??
Lol, I am not trying to argue with him, just curious. It's always easy for those who don't have to suggest ways in which parents ("or others") could do something different.
I'm a parent of five, and I agree with the OP. A relationship, whether it be with your spouse, your children or your friends, will only be as healthy as the communication within it.0 -
My parents showed me all sorts of respect and freedom...and I abused the heck out of it and did things that 35 years later I'd blush to share with them.
Conversation is great. Respect is great.
Remembering that they're kids with overdeveloped hormones and underdeveloped brains is even better.
^^ this exactly... Kids are just that KIDS they do not always make the best choices and sometimes need us to help them make that choice. I am not one for snooping and going out of my way to bust them, but if they do get busted they need to face the consequences. which will be done in a loving manner and will fit the "crime" so to speak. Kids (even teenagers) need discipline and rules0 -
I have three girls (ages 21, 19 and 13). We have never "tracked histories" or police our internet in any way. (and we all have our own computers/laptops/tablets.) There is a lot of opportunity for them to find things but we handle it by actually TALKING to our kids. From the time they could talk, we've been open and honest (age appropriate) about everything. Sex, drugs (even rock and roll!) suicide, bullying, peer pressure, sexual orientation, politics, alcohol, partying, relationships, body issues, religion, yadda yadda yadda. We listen to them. We point out pros and cons and responsibility and possible scenarios and repercussions. It works REALLY WELL. Just BE THERE for them. Mutual respect goes a LONG WAY and doesn't require being a prison guard.
Setting limits or imposing consequences is not the start of a prison construction project... It is a lesson in life.
No one with job, relationship, or even in school does whatever they want. Most have consequences for a failure to perform or when they perform badly. If you want a child to succeed they need to have the tools to succeed. When they make mistakes as a child they need to be aware there are consequences for those mistakes in order to consider their actions and look for positive rather than negative results in life. FYI - I do not do a lot of punishing of my kids - they make mistakes sometimes and depending on the mistake I may well let life hand them the consequence and explain why, or if it is apparently that life is not going to present them with a consequence in a timely fashion I may impose one of my own.
I think learning there are certain things you CANNOT look up on someone elses computer is a GREAT lesson to learn. Most employers will not allow you to just browse for whatever you want online and they can be VERY crafty about monitoring their employees.
Teach them while they're young that this isn't acceptable! Or they'll have a much harder time when they grow up.0 -
I think the real question is... do you spank them for looking up porn and meth or no?0
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I have a kid. She's nearly 18 and never been any trouble. I know the thread the OP is referencing and I agree completely.Have kids?
Congrats.
I have three. Just wondering if OP does.
I am aware of the thread he is referencing as well. I commented on it. I asked him a question.0 -
Yeah, you want to make darn sure your kids don't try to get away with the stuff you did as a kid. :indifferent:0
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If you're eager for your children to hide things from you, discipline them without asking them about things first. Works like a charm. They'll never come to you with anything.
Kick out your daughter's boyfriend for something in a search history? Guess who's gonna go out and learn how to clear search histories?
so so very true.
however, in this house, there is no deleting history, LMAO. My kid was so dumb to actually think their dad wouldn't know how to fetch it. bone head, she knows better!
You're calling your kid dumb.....0 -
I think the real question is... do you spank them for looking up porn and meth or no?
That depends on their age and if that is an appropriate punishment for them. Like my younger brother, he could get paddled ever day and it would not bother him. Not an appropriate punishment for him. Me I did not like it and would not do certain things because I didn't want to face that consequence if I got caught. Age also has something to do with it. Giving a 12 year old the paddle is a lot different then trying to give a 17 year old the paddle. As they get older they need to move from one punishment (paddle) to some other form (maybe grounded, or keys taken away, etc...) the point of parenting is to get them ready to be contributing members of society as adults. doing this does take communication and discussion but also takes punishment so they learn that there is consequences when they do not follow the rules (your rules, school rules, laws, work rules, etc...). We all have to follow the rules somewhere in our lives.0 -
:noway:0
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Yeah, you want to make darn sure your kids don't try to get away with the stuff you did as a kid. :indifferent:
I know right, who would want their kids to be better off, more successful, have less "baggage" as adults.0 -
So what are you clever people doing when you find things in the history?
do you ground them?
or do you discuss the issues with love and understanding?
and why would you block information from your children, you don't want them to learn?
you better hope they don't check your history
My kids don't have the password to my computer!! When they use my computer they're logged in as a guest. All they can do is use the internet. They can't access any of my files or 'history'. or anything, actually.
I don't block all info, some of it gets red flagged. which means a msg pops up on a computer and my husband says "hey..bonehead#1 is looking at creepy stuff" and sends me the link. I discuss it or let it go. Mostly I let it go unless it's p0rn or other disturbing things.
**Happened once, she was curious. I explained it with out judgement about the nature of p0rn and how while they're having sex, it's not like real sex for the most part, that porn in many ways sets boys up to be disappointed in sex when they get there.
I told her everyone has their own views of p0rn, some good, some bad, but it's an individual choice. and that was pretty much it.
I think the one thing kids don't know, once it's on the internet, it's there. There is no magical internet eraser. It will be there forever, so if you don't want your pastor to see it, your grandkids to see it or your mom... don't e-mail it, don't post it, and for the love of God.. NO bad pictures!0 -
I think the real question is... do you spank them for looking up porn and meth or no?
I live in a country where spanking or anything else physical towards your children is illegal. So no, I wouldn't spank, not that I'd spank any child over the age of ten to start with?! The original thread was about a teenager's BOYFRIEND, not even her own child.0 -
So if its an individual choice and she choose to keep looking at p0rn you wouldn't have a problem with that?Happened once, she was curious. I explained it with out judgement about the nature of p0rn and how while they're having sex, it's not like real sex for the most part, that porn in many ways sets boys up to be disappointed in sex when they get there.
I told her everyone has their own views of p0rn, some good, some bad, but it's an individual choice. and that was pretty much it.0 -
For awhile there was some serious boyfriend drama, so we just logged their facebook chat. It was pretty damned annoying. at least my husband made them in pretty, easy to read colors? :flowerforyou: I love him! He makes my parenting so much easier with his skills!
Dang that is worse than reading your childs diary.
No.. a facebook chat is like talking on the phone. It's not like they knew it wasn't being logged. After about a week they stopped this stupid bullsh!t and all was happy again. Growing up, the house rule is you can use the phone in the common areas, not your bedroom. It was the same with all my friends. Now... you just hear them typing and giggling.0 -
So if its an individual choice and she choose to keep looking at p0rn you wouldn't have a problem with that?Happened once, she was curious. I explained it with out judgement about the nature of p0rn and how while they're having sex, it's not like real sex for the most part, that porn in many ways sets boys up to be disappointed in sex when they get there.
I told her everyone has their own views of p0rn, some good, some bad, but it's an individual choice. and that was pretty much it.
When she's 18, and on her own internet, no, I wouldn't care. For now, she's not 18 and it doesn't matter what I think. It's illegal.0 -
So if its an individual choice and she choose to keep looking at p0rn you wouldn't have a problem with that?Happened once, she was curious. I explained it with out judgement about the nature of p0rn and how while they're having sex, it's not like real sex for the most part, that porn in many ways sets boys up to be disappointed in sex when they get there.
I told her everyone has their own views of p0rn, some good, some bad, but it's an individual choice. and that was pretty much it.
When she's 18, and on her own internet, no, I wouldn't care. For now, she's not 18 and it doesn't matter what I think. It's illegal.
Dang I forgot it was illegal for under 18 (I surely never followed that rule)... Haha just because its free doesn't mean its not illegal.0 -
It is simple people. Love and understanding and patience. When that fails you beat the f--k out of them. If that fails, sell them. I just got $10k for my son and last I checked e-Bay my daughter was at $14.5k.0
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Dammit she beat me to it.....this will be fun. Popcorn anyone??
Lol, I am not trying to argue with him, just curious. It's always easy for those who don't have to suggest ways in which parents ("or others") could do something different.
I'm a parent of five, and I agree with the OP. A relationship, whether it be with your spouse, your children or your friends, will only be as healthy as the communication within it.
I have yet to say whether or not I agree or disagree. I asked a question.0 -
lol yes i use it for my husband to!If you're eager for your children to hide things from you, discipline them without asking them about things first. Works like a charm. They'll never come to you with anything.
Kick out your daughter's boyfriend for something in a search history? Guess who's gonna go out and learn how to clear search histories?
so so very true.
however, in this house, there is no deleting history, LMAO. My kid was so dumb to actually think their dad wouldn't know how to fetch it. bone head, she knows better!
I installed Norton 360 with parental controls... even if they delete the history, Norton tracks their every move for me.0 -
lol yes i use it for my husband to!If you're eager for your children to hide things from you, discipline them without asking them about things first. Works like a charm. They'll never come to you with anything.
Kick out your daughter's boyfriend for something in a search history? Guess who's gonna go out and learn how to clear search histories?
so so very true.
however, in this house, there is no deleting history, LMAO. My kid was so dumb to actually think their dad wouldn't know how to fetch it. bone head, she knows better!
I installed Norton 360 with parental controls... even if they delete the history, Norton tracks their every move for me.
I just trust my S.O. its cheaper0 -
It is simple people. Love and understanding and patience. When that fails you beat the f--k out of them. If that fails, sell them. I just got $10k for my son and last I checked e-Bay my daughter was at $14.5k.
HAHAHA, love it.
:laugh:0 -
Dammit she beat me to it.....this will be fun. Popcorn anyone??
Lol, I am not trying to argue with him, just curious. It's always easy for those who don't have to suggest ways in which parents ("or others") could do something different.
I'm a parent of five, and I agree with the OP. A relationship, whether it be with your spouse, your children or your friends, will only be as healthy as the communication within it.
I have yet to say whether or not I agree or disagree. I asked a question.
Sorry I didn't mean to drag you in to a agree/disagree, just figured that was coming and you said it first!0 -
I've disciplined without asking questions first. You don't have to always ask questions to know what the facts are. Have you raised teenagers?If you're eager for your children to hide things from you, discipline them without asking them about things first. Works like a charm. They'll never come to you with anything.
At least he won't be searching things he needs to hide on MY computer in MY house.kick out your daughter's boyfriend for something in a search history? Guess who's gonna go out and learn how to clear search histories?0 -
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I've disciplined without asking questions first. You don't have to always ask questions to know what the facts are. Have you raised teenagers?If you're eager for your children to hide things from you, discipline them without asking them about things first. Works like a charm. They'll never come to you with anything.
At least he won't be searching things he needs to hide on MY computer in MY house.kick out your daughter's boyfriend for something in a search history? Guess who's gonna go out and learn how to clear search histories?
I have raised teenagers... does that make my opinion as valid as your's? I don't think I've ever disciplined my kids with out asking them any questions.... I at least want to make sure they comprehend what they're getting punished for! Sometimes that is lost in translation. I want to make sure the communication is clear and that requires questions. There is no room for debate on the punishment, but communication is key.0 -
I've disciplined without asking questions first. You don't have to always ask questions to know what the facts are. Have you raised teenagers?If you're eager for your children to hide things from you, discipline them without asking them about things first. Works like a charm. They'll never come to you with anything.
At least he won't be searching things he needs to hide on MY computer in MY house.kick out your daughter's boyfriend for something in a search history? Guess who's gonna go out and learn how to clear search histories?
I have raised teenagers... does that make my opinion as valid as your's? I don't think I've ever disciplined my kids with out asking them any questions.... I at least want to make sure they comprehend what they're getting punished for! Sometimes that is lost in translation. I want to make sure the communication is clear and that requires questions. There is no room for debate on the punishment, but communication is key.
Should we compare children and see whose kids turned out better now?
Or shall we concede that there are many ways to raise a child and no one method will work for every family?0
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