When is a relationship beyond fixing

dalana84
dalana84 Posts: 75 Member
in Chit-Chat
I've been with a guy for 4 years and lately we do nothing but argue. I don't think I can pick the last time we went through an entire day without arguing about something. I don't think we've had a nice time doing anything together in at least 2 months, we don't sit down and have conversations about how the day went, random chit chat etc.

Of course there is more going on, but aside from financial disagreements, nothing really earth shattering. Its just like the spark has gone. I'm no angel and I can be a bit of a brat so I am definitely not laying any blame anywhere, I really just want some honest opinions on the topic, hopefully from personal experience. I want to live a fulfilling life and I'm just learning how to make the right decisions for ME not everyone else.

Ok.......... Go :smile:
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Replies

  • Bahet
    Bahet Posts: 1,254 Member
    It's rareybeyond fixing unless one party doesn't want to work at it. However, it may not be worth fixing if the bad considerably outweighs the good.

    I've been with my husband for 22 years and based on your post you've argued more in the past 2 weeks than we have in the past 2 decades. You have to decide if it's worth saving and if it is both of you need to work at it. And make no mistake about it - it will be hard.
  • corn63
    corn63 Posts: 1,580 Member
    If you're asking if your relationship is beyond fixing, it's beyond fixing.
  • karawRN
    karawRN Posts: 311
    just leave him.
  • neverstray
    neverstray Posts: 3,845 Member
    Unless there are kids involved, just end it. It's not worth it. It shouldnt be that hard. You want to be with him, he wants to be with you. The end. When that part stops, it's over. It's sad that people make something so simple and beautiful so complicated and ugly.
  • ShmoozyQ
    ShmoozyQ Posts: 390 Member
    We live in this culture where the longevity of a relationship is celebrated; where sometimes that becomes more important than the satisfaction in a relationship. People are always quick to say, "You've been together SO long, don't give up!" Meh. If you're unhappy, go be happy. There doesn't have to be some rock solid reason to break up with anyone (i.e cheating, fighting so many days a week, etc.). You can fall in love with someone who is a wonderful person - but maybe they aren't right for you for a lifetime.

    If you're not happy, go be happy! You don't need anymore justification than that.
  • MattTheWaterRat
    MattTheWaterRat Posts: 167 Member
    Sounds like you don't enjoy arguing? Do you think he's the kind of person that likes a verbal challenge?
  • KittieLea
    KittieLea Posts: 1,156 Member
    just break up.
  • LivvyLinde
    LivvyLinde Posts: 82
    If you're asking if your relationship is beyond fixing, it's beyond fixing.

    ^probs true. :(
  • MissyMissy18
    MissyMissy18 Posts: 315 Member
    where's the girl that replies to every relationship thread with "just break up" ?

    Cuz I think that may be your answer..
  • Unknown
    Unknown
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  • TheKitsune6
    TheKitsune6 Posts: 5,798 Member
    Have you thought about seeing a relationship counselor? You admit that at least part of this is because you're a brat. If you don't want that to be a negative aspect of yourself for the rest of your life you might as well start fixing it now. Maybe if you start making positive changes in your life and perspective he will too. Worst case scenario you learn something that will make your next relationship better.
  • tragicpixie
    tragicpixie Posts: 71
    It depends but if *you* think it's not worth fixing than basically that's when you know. Maybe you're just not right for each other or etc. But if your'e that unhappy at least take a break and see other people or whatever for awhile. If part of your arguments is that somewhere something has changed and now one of you needs to make a change then I think at least spending some time apart is a good way to assess the relationship.
  • SofaKingRad
    SofaKingRad Posts: 1,592 Member
    You should try Tae Bo together and see if it fixes things.
  • myfitnessnmhoy
    myfitnessnmhoy Posts: 2,105 Member
    Get a nice bottle of wine that you both enjoy. Set up a relaxing, no-distractions time. Tell him that it's important for the two of you to talk.

    Print out your original post, and read it to him, word for word. Then be prepared to talk honestly and listen openly. Be open to the suggestion, or perhaps make the suggestion, to do a little couples therapy.

    Then, as a couple, decide how you want to proceed. Even if the proceeding means not "as a couple" any more.
  • neverstray
    neverstray Posts: 3,845 Member
    We live in this culture where the longevity of a relationship is celebrated; where sometimes that becomes more important than the satisfaction in a relationship. People are always quick to say, "You've been together SO long, don't give up!" Meh. If you're unhappy, go be happy. There doesn't have to be some rock solid reason to break up with anyone (i.e cheating, fighting so many days a week, etc.). You can fall in love with someone who is a wonderful person - but maybe they aren't right for you for a lifetime.

    If you're not happy, go be happy! You don't need anymore justification than that.

    I agree. People come in and out of your life at different times for different reasons. There's no reason to hang on to something just because it is. Let go and move forward. it hurts, and it's easier said than done. But, the point is to be happy. I hate arguing. Ugh! I never argue in my relationships and people tell me that's why they dont last. I have to keep calling BS on that. They dont last for different reasons. Mainly, I'm really difficult to live with.
  • Dub_D
    Dub_D Posts: 1,760 Member
    Just break up.
  • njh2008
    njh2008 Posts: 35 Member
    If your arguing over something and nothing most of the time then its probably down to stress and/ or the generaly monotomy of life. Why dont you go on a few "date nights" where you really make and effort and see how it goes?

    I think breaking up sounds like the easy way out- its been 4 years already , whats a few more weeks of seeing how it goes.

    Me and my husband argue quite regulally but we both know it means nothing really........
  • terrappyn
    terrappyn Posts: 324 Member
    If you are asking the question then you know that it's done.


    Been there, done that (after 7 years). Leaving was the best decision I have ever made. I wouldnt have changed it for the world.
  • kimosabe1
    kimosabe1 Posts: 2,467 Member
    Perhaps you need a break. I would talk to him and tell him about this and tell him you recommend a little time apart. Once you two return to the relationship, you will know for sure whether to proceed. If you feel like not continuing then just tell him to suck it. lol...
  • LesleeBeAlive
    LesleeBeAlive Posts: 504
    We live in this culture where the longevity of a relationship is celebrated; where sometimes that becomes more important than the satisfaction in a relationship. People are always quick to say, "You've been together SO long, don't give up!" Meh. If you're unhappy, go be happy. There doesn't have to be some rock solid reason to break up with anyone (i.e cheating, fighting so many days a week, etc.). You can fall in love with someone who is a wonderful person - but maybe they aren't right for you for a lifetime.

    If you're not happy, go be happy! You don't need anymore justification than that.

    Wow, this seriously hit home..
  • ashleydillinger
    ashleydillinger Posts: 18 Member
    If you're asking if your relationship is beyond fixing, it's beyond fixing.

    I don't think this is true at all, and frankly it's bad advice. If you're asking if your relationship is beyond fixing, it shows that you've recognized a problem. Isn't that, after all, the first step to fixing ANYTHING?
  • _Bob_
    _Bob_ Posts: 1,487 Member
    You should try Tae Bo together and see if it fixes things.

    this^^^^^

    but it's over when you both stop working on it. even if one of you is still working on it and the other isn't the relationship is still doomed.
  • ObtainingBalance
    ObtainingBalance Posts: 1,446 Member
    Have you both just given up trying?

    You and Him have problems that are causing arguements. Fix the problems, figure out what mistakes you BOTH are making.... change.... change is always good.

    Relationship counseling? Ask him what happened to you to. Communicate with your BF.

    Do you love him? Love goes beyond our ever changing emotions.

    If you don't even know why you two are together still, and you have no interest in being with him anymore or working at it (changing).... then you might as well split up.

    Relationships require a lot of time investment.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,416 Member
    You're together four years and the last two months have been rocky.

    Figure out what the problem is. If it's something that is solvable, solve it. Only you know if you can live with this or not.

    If you really can't even have a conversation anymore, get into a therapist's office. He or she will make you talk rationally and keep you on task. The last four years of your life deserve at least that.
  • neverstray
    neverstray Posts: 3,845 Member
    We live in this culture where the longevity of a relationship is celebrated; where sometimes that becomes more important than the satisfaction in a relationship. People are always quick to say, "You've been together SO long, don't give up!" Meh. If you're unhappy, go be happy. There doesn't have to be some rock solid reason to break up with anyone (i.e cheating, fighting so many days a week, etc.). You can fall in love with someone who is a wonderful person - but maybe they aren't right for you for a lifetime.

    If you're not happy, go be happy! You don't need anymore justification than that.

    Wow, this seriously hit home..

    I came from a relationship break up where I still don't have a reason and it bugs the crap out of me. I'd say that you should have a reason of some kind. Not just "because", but have some reasons why it isn't working and be honest. Sometimes honesty is really hard, but it always ends better that way and I think usually everyone feels better when it's honest and sincere.
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    I'm another advocate of Tae Bo. It saved my marriage.

    Long Live Billy Blanks!
  • infamousmk
    infamousmk Posts: 6,033 Member
    Take a break, see how it feels. Be totally okay with being alone for a little while. Maybe try dating again, if you feel inclined. Too many people say with people they don't love or even like out of fear of being alone, and that's really unfortunate.
  • markpmc
    markpmc Posts: 240 Member
    You break up with every boy/girl friend you have until you get married. Even then it's not a sure thing.
  • IronmanPanda
    IronmanPanda Posts: 2,083 Member
    As soon as she says the pooper is off limits.
  • gingerjen7
    gingerjen7 Posts: 821 Member
    For me, there came a point when I was thinking about how and when the relationship would end. I knew, basically, that it would not continue. I just didn't know how much longer it would be or what would be the catalyst that ended it. I think from that moment on, it was beyond fixing...probably because having accepted that it wasn't going to last, I didn't WANT to fix it. It was another year before we were actually done, but it was a bad year. I should have just ended things then--actually, the moment of realization came when I was trying to end it, but he started crying and being a big old wuss about it, and I'm a pushover, so I backed down and let him walk all over me for another year. Sometimes, when I look back at how stupid I used to be, how naive, I just have to shake my head and thank god that I learned some lessons. Can't wait until the day I look back on myself now and think, "God, I was so stupid and naive!" :laugh:

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