When is a relationship beyond fixing

cmriverside

Also...this ^^

fittertanme

I would give it one more chance sit down together and if you cannot agree to things then you need to say what you feel should happen and again if that fails then tell him its over

LesleeBeAlive

We live in this culture where the longevity of a relationship is celebrated; where sometimes that becomes more important than the satisfaction in a relationship. People are always quick to say, "You've been together SO long, don't give up!" Meh. If you're unhappy, go be happy. There doesn't have to be some rock solid reason to break up with anyone (i.e cheating, fighting so many days a week, etc.). You can fall in love with someone who is a wonderful person - but maybe they aren't right for you for a lifetime.

If you're not happy, go be happy! You don't need anymore justification than that.

Wow, this seriously hit home..

I came from a relationship break up where I still don't have a reason and it bugs the crap out of me. I'd say that you should have a reason of some kind. Not just "because", but have some reasons why it isn't working and be honest. Sometimes honesty is really hard, but it always ends better that way and I think usually everyone feels better when it's honest and sincere.

I am married, there would have to be a valid reason.

Molly_Maguire

I'm not sure who coined the phrase "a relationship/marriage takes work", but it's complete crap, IMO. Love is effortless. You should get along easily. I've been with my husband 3 years and married for 2, and we never fight, apart from the occasional getting after him to put his shoes away. We don't need to. There's really nothing to fight ABOUT. If he's not your absolute best friend, he's probably not the one for you.

runnerjenn0708

Unless there are kids involved, just end it. It's not worth it. It shouldnt be that hard. You want to be with him, he wants to be with you. The end. When that part stops, it's over. It's sad that people make something so simple and beautiful so complicated and ugly.

agreed

dalana84

First, thank you to everyone that's responded so far. I'm taking the time to read each of them, I haven't abandoned my own topic!

I just recently thought about relationship counseling and have looked into it a little bit, plan to some more.
The arguing and tension breaks my heart because I miss what we used to have and this is what makes me want to try and dig around before just throwing in the towel.
Then I read the posts about people coming in to your life for a reason and wonder if that is the case. I could walk away from this having learned a little bit more about healthy/unhealthy relationships.

I think I will step up to the plate and initiate a conversation about how things are going, I still believe that we can be honest enough with each other to come away from it gaining an answer to the problem.

Thank you again MFPers, there are some really intelligent people around here =]

sarahharmintx

If you're asking if your relationship is beyond fixing, it's beyond fixing.

Corn is wise.

korsicash

If you're asking if your relationship is beyond fixing, it's beyond fixing.

This. You have checked out if this is what you are asking. When one person has fully checked out it is a point of no return.

Cameron_1969

Get pregnant and then get married. .That always fixes struggling relationships.

bottleOdom

I will tell you the same thing my sister told me. Eventually there will come a time in your life when you will look at your partner and basically just go " ick". Whether it is the same routine day in and day out, the toothpaste that is always in the sink, the smell of your partner, it just annoys the living day lights out of you. And it may be several times in your life.

I laughed then but not now. Relationships are work. Whether you are married or dating, to stay with someone is a committment. And all commmittment requires communication. Sometimes the subject of the communication can be difficult, but it has to be done.

At least with communication, you then know if what is there is worth it or if the "ick" is just not worth it.

1996gtstang

just do what is best for you and makes you happy. take a little break to think the situation over

peuglow

Talk to him about the problems instead of asking an internet forum. You'll probably learn a lot more and get flamed a lot less.

Arie_Here_Love

I thought I was the only one asking this question...my boyfriend haven't talked to me in almost a week....he have completely lost focus of what we planned for our future ...so now we are on two complete pages...and I feel like it's a waste of time and it's making me miserable. :-(

Goal_Line

I'm just learning how to make the right decisions for ME not everyone else.

Per you profile you have 2 kids, so you are not just making decisions for YOU.

jlapey

When you can not see yourself with him for the rest of your life, it's pretty much over. Ask yourself: Is what he has to offer, what you want in life? Is he enough without you having to change him?

BUT don't just walk out. Discuss the issue with him and see what he thinks, how he feels and then both of you decide whether it's fixable. After 4 years, you each deserve the opportunity to explain yourselves.

Missanticipated

I hope this doesn't sound harsh but I'm just going to get straight to the point. It sounds like you've already made you're decision, you're just looking for some back up and someone to tell you to do it. Not once in your post did you say any good points to the relationship.im not trying to be heartless, I'm having my own relationship troubles but I'm just trying to be honest to you from what you've written. Hope this helps

ahviendha

For me, I argue everyday with my spouse, but it's not important life decisions or personal traits we're arguing about.

It's often, "We already went to that restaurant, let's go to a new one!"
"No we didn't! I would remember eating there! Look at that cool sign I would remember that!"
"uhhh I got spicy tuna roll and you got the cheesesteak, no mayo with fries. you don't remember?"
"i would definitely remember, you're crazy"
"no YOU'RE crazy!"

then we make out.

But yeah. If you don't want to repair it, then it's done. Or if you have that burnt out feeling ... where you feel you give too much and don't receive in return (or vice versa).

dalana84

Sounds like you don't enjoy arguing? Do you think he's the kind of person that likes a verbal challenge?

We're both very strong minded and opinionated but don't think either of us like arguing. We've both been on the voicing end of "I hate arguing like this, it has to stop" so I'm not so sure its that he enjoys it, just that neither one of us really backs down

abnerner

I think if you are asking that means you care and want to fix the issues. I personally dont think that relationships are ever "EASY". Yes, some times are easier when its the right person, but I don't believe that people can get through things without working at them.

If you are both willing to work at it, than it's worth fixing. If one of you doesn't want to work, it's not worth fixing. If both of you want to be happy again, than it's worth it, if neither of you are happy and don't want to try to be happy, than it's not.

corn63

If you have kids with this man, you owe it to them to try to make it work. However, if there is no middle ground, you owe it to them to give them a safe household.

dalana84

I hope this doesn't sound harsh but I'm just going to get straight to the point. It sounds like you've already made you're decision, you're just looking for some back up and someone to tell you to do it. Not once in your post did you say any good points to the relationship.im not trying to be heartless, I'm having my own relationship troubles but I'm just trying to be honest to you from what you've written. Hope this helps

I guess you could be right, sometimes I'll sit and think about how I'll do things on my own but every time I do I can't really imagine it. I do still have love for him, a lot of it and I miss the days when I confided in him and went to him for comfort. That is what keeps me hanging on, hoping that all I have to do is find out why they're gone.

dalana84

Talk to him about the problems instead of asking an internet forum. You'll probably learn a lot more and get flamed a lot less.

I think I worry about his answer ...........

BruteSquad

Here is what I think and that is all it is.


I believe you can break up any time. So I suggest putting down all the old arguments and crap that we hold onto in a relationship. You can't start over, but you can be who you want to be and not apologize. That may lead to a break up, but it is honest. For that to work, both people have to be onboard. Most people are where they are in a relationship because they don't always express what is going on inside. So many things unsaid or undone including "I'm sorry, I was wrong" "I won't be doing that" "You are awesome" "I did not live up to my end of the deal."

Now if your finances aren't right, you are on an uphill battle. No one wants to be the one to sacrifice for the good of the household. IMHO that is the downfall of modern relationships. I believe as a man I should damn well provide a place to live and food on the table. Regardless of other things, or who does laundry or dishes or whatever. I take responsibility for a place to live and food on the table. That means I can veto where we live based on price and I do the grocery shopping. But then again, I was raised to be a man, not an androgynous selfish boy. I am sure I am stubborn and my honesty is sometimes mistaken for being purposefully hurtful. However, there is no misunderstanding as to what I think or how I feel. You know my word is good and it is not all about me. I often sacrifice something I want, to ensure the woman that I take into my household is cared for properly.

I tell you all of that so that you understand that not every woman is right for me. Not every man is right for you.

If you are asking if it is over, then you are on your way out even if it could be salvaged. What do you put into the relationship? What does he put into the relationship? Is it WORTH fixing or are you scared to be alone.

Never let your fear decide your fate.

dalana84

I'm just learning how to make the right decisions for ME not everyone else.

Per you profile you have 2 kids, so you are not just making decisions for YOU.

True but I need to be in a healthy and positive state of mind for them, and so does he. I don't want them to grow up in a house full of anger and stress.

Crochetluvr

When in doubt, get out.

dalana84

Here is what I think and that is all it is.


I believe you can break up any time. So I suggest putting down all the old arguments and crap that we hold onto in a relationship. You can't start over, but you can be who you want to be and not apologize. That may lead to a break up, but it is honest. For that to work, both people have to be onboard. Most people are where they are in a relationship because they don't always express what is going on inside. So many things unsaid or undone including "I'm sorry, I was wrong" "I won't be doing that" "You are awesome" "I did not live up to my end of the deal."

Now if your finances aren't right, you are on an uphill battle. No one wants to be the one to sacrifice for the good of the household. IMHO that is the downfall of modern relationships. I believe as a man I should damn well provide a place to live and food on the table. Regardless of other things, or who does laundry or dishes or whatever. I take responsibility for a place to live and food on the table. That means I can veto where we live based on price and I do the grocery shopping. But then again, I was raised to be a man, not an androgynous selfish boy. I am sure I am stubborn and my honesty is sometimes mistaken for being purposefully hurtful. However, there is no misunderstanding as to what I think or how I feel. You know my word is good and it is not all about me. I often sacrifice something I want, to ensure the woman that I take into my household is cared for properly.

I tell you all of that so that you understand that not every woman is right for me. Not every man is right for you.

If you are asking if it is over, then you are on your way out even if it could be salvaged. What do you put into the relationship? What does he put into the relationship? Is it WORTH fixing or are you scared to be alone.

Never let your fear decide your fate.

Thank you for this. I think I will walk away having taken the most from your post.

jwaitman

If you aren't married and no kids now is definitely the time to break things off. I am kind of in the same boat, I find everything about my husband annoying, even his chewing. If it was simple I would have been gone years ago, but we have kids so it is just not that easy. Get out now while you can before you find yourself married for way too long and you can't get out.

oneIT

Kids and money can kill any relationship. lol
It's hard as **** to keep it together.
Been there, done that. I feel free now.

ILoveTheBrowns

sometimes its just time to end it and live life being single and collecting cats

crazyellybean

Oye if I knew the answer to this question I may not be so unhappy myself. I'm in a similar situation, only I've been married 5 years and we have been together going on 10 years. We fight ALL the time, and it seems like we can't just have one day of being happy.