When is a relationship beyond fixing

124»

Replies

  • crimznrose
    crimznrose Posts: 282 Member
    I've been married 11 years - we've had cyclic arguing for the last two years but it's never been what I'd call a happy marriage - but there is happiness and despite our MANY differences we do love each other. We've been separated, we fight, I've taken the kids and left, but even when we think we can't stand to fix it we can't stand to be without the other.

    I'm personally reading a relationship counseling workbook right now and the most important thing is that you have to make sure you're ok before you can work on the relationship. Sometimes, we have some very skewed perceptions of what a healthy relationship is and if you WANT to make it work, try one of those books or counseling. If you' don't want to put real work into it, then you don't want to go on.

    Just like weight loss, relationships are work...a lot of work and you only get the reward if you put in the time and effort.
  • dbriggs9
    dbriggs9 Posts: 31 Member
    Life is short. Be happy.
  • Sharyn913
    Sharyn913 Posts: 777 Member
    I find fights with my husband are always both ways. It's how we act and react to the current situation.

    Example:
    Do I enjoy my husband laying dirty clothes on the floor? No.

    I can either A) Complain about it and remind him for what seems to be the 2,555th time (We've been together 7 years!) and than I come across as the nagging, complaining wife. Or I can B) Suck it up, and pick up his clothes to put in the hamper, with a smile on my face, realizing I can pick my battles wisely.

    If I go with option A, it is likely to escalate and lead to more. He will then point out something I do all the time that drives him crazy. We will go back and forth bantering, and end the fight getting no where. If I go with option A, he will realize I did it and did not say anything, and be impressed.

    It's all about how you approach the situation. You say you argue about finances. My assumption is you are not arguing about "Honey, We have WAY to much money in the back account, I simply don't know what to do with it!" The love of money is the root of all evil. How do you approach the conversations? Does he think you spend to much? Do you feel all your purchases are justified? If so, you will automatically have your defenses up. Try a different approach (if this is the case) and tell him "You know what, I see now that I did go over board. I wasn't thinking, I'm really sorry about that"

    Just try different approaches.
  • FrenchMob
    FrenchMob Posts: 1,167 Member
    You're still young and you're hot. Move along. Life's too short to argue all the time.
  • sonniedee
    sonniedee Posts: 26
    This! Excellent advise, and the absolute most mature, and non-threatening approach to take. How ever it turns out, both parties should come out of it knowing that the best possible effort was made.
  • serena569
    serena569 Posts: 427 Member
    Somebody sent me this today:
    "Actually, I just woke up one day and decided I didn't want to feel like that anymore, or ever again. So I changed. Just like that."

    I think it boils down to 2 questions - are you happy now? And, if nothing changes, do you see yourself happy a year from now.
  • hamncheese67
    hamncheese67 Posts: 1,715 Member
    I'm just learning how to make the right decisions for ME not everyone else.

    Per you profile you have 2 kids, so you are not just making decisions for YOU.

    True but I need to be in a healthy and positive state of mind for them, and so does he. I don't want them to grow up in a house full of anger and stress.

    That's right. That was a big consideration for me. When my ex and I broke, it was for the best for everyone, including our son. A stressful environment with constant arguing was not healthy for him. My ex and I have been able to become friends again, be good parents, and move on with our lives.
  • Topsking2010
    Topsking2010 Posts: 2,245 Member
    Go see Dr Phil.
  • annahuebscher
    annahuebscher Posts: 114
    If you're asking if your relationship is beyond fixing, it's beyond fixing.

    Eggzackary...
  • PetulantOne
    PetulantOne Posts: 2,131 Member
    Unless there are kids involved, just end it. It's not worth it. It shouldnt be that hard. You want to be with him, he wants to be with you. The end. When that part stops, it's over. It's sad that people make something so simple and beautiful so complicated and ugly.

    :heart:
  • Sharyn913
    Sharyn913 Posts: 777 Member
    We live in this culture where the longevity of a relationship is celebrated; where sometimes that becomes more important than the satisfaction in a relationship. People are always quick to say, "You've been together SO long, don't give up!" Meh. If you're unhappy, go be happy. There doesn't have to be some rock solid reason to break up with anyone (i.e cheating, fighting so many days a week, etc.). You can fall in love with someone who is a wonderful person - but maybe they aren't right for you for a lifetime.

    If you're not happy, go be happy! You don't need anymore justification than that.

    I disagree. Love is looked at as a feeling, and while that can be true, it should also be a choice. You are choosing to love that person through the good and the bad. If we based every decision we made off of love, this world would be in a sad, sad state. Love can come and go, and if we were to break up with someone simply because we fell out of love, most relationships wouldn't ever last.
  • gingerjen7
    gingerjen7 Posts: 821 Member
    I hope this doesn't sound harsh but I'm just going to get straight to the point. It sounds like you've already made you're decision, you're just looking for some back up and someone to tell you to do it. Not once in your post did you say any good points to the relationship.im not trying to be heartless, I'm having my own relationship troubles but I'm just trying to be honest to you from what you've written. Hope this helps :)

    I guess you could be right, sometimes I'll sit and think about how I'll do things on my own but every time I do I can't really imagine it. I do still have love for him, a lot of it and I miss the days when I confided in him and went to him for comfort. That is what keeps me hanging on, hoping that all I have to do is find out why they're gone.
    This response raises red flags for me, having watched both my sister (with her husband for 13 years, married for 8) and my cousin (with her husband for 11.5 years, married for 11) go through this sort of thing. Every few months, they say they are sure this time that they're getting divorced. They are miserable and fighting all the time, and they hate their husbands. But they have kids and they "don't want to do that to their kids" (to which I always say, "if it were your kids, would you want them to get out and be happy? Is this the example you want to set for them? Do you want them to grow up in this environment?"). They're ALWAYS saying that they just wish things would go back to the way they used to be 11+ years ago. News flash: they're not going to. Those days are gone. You cannot just sit back and hope things will suddenly go back to the way that they were (for a few months) YEARS ago. You have to be willing to do something to change things NOW and be a different kind of happy enjoying a different kind of relationship, or realize that whatever you felt once was based on something temporary and move on to something different.
  • Temple_Fit
    Temple_Fit Posts: 299 Member
    When you ask the opinions of absolute strangers.
  • dalana84
    dalana84 Posts: 75 Member
    "When you ask the opinions of absolute strangers."


    @syncerepassion I don't see anything wrong with asking opinions from anyone, I'm walking away from this thread having learned some things and meeting some pretty strong and amazing people. I certainly didn't ask here before ever bringing it up to him, lol, this was gathering information after reading an article about relationships that have fizzled out that sparked an interest in the topic. I'll also go home and show him this thread :smile:
  • tragicpixie
    tragicpixie Posts: 71
    You should try Tae Bo together and see if it fixes things.

    If I had tried Tae Bo with my ex husband I am 100% sure it would have been an utter disaster and someone would have gotten hurt. lol

    Because my marriage failed I feel pretty confident saying that sometimes things just don't work out. You can learn from it and decide what went wrong and where but that you're unhappy and arguing all the time is a big sign. Either something about yourself, or something about the other person: often both. Just a thought but a man who "argues" with you constantly (or a woman) is being pretty disrespectful - we all deserve to be with someone who respects our opinions, needs, and desires. If that person doesn't, or you find yourself unable to respect them, it's time to cut them loose.
  • beach_please
    beach_please Posts: 533 Member
    Unless there are kids involved, just end it. It's not worth it. It shouldnt be that hard. You want to be with him, he wants to be with you. The end. When that part stops, it's over. It's sad that people make something so simple and beautiful so complicated and ugly.

    I agree with this. It sounds like it's more trouble than it's worth at this point. So, unless there are kids to try to work it out for, I'd say throw in the towel.
  • tragicpixie
    tragicpixie Posts: 71
    We live in this culture where the longevity of a relationship is celebrated; where sometimes that becomes more important than the satisfaction in a relationship. People are always quick to say, "You've been together SO long, don't give up!" Meh. If you're unhappy, go be happy. There doesn't have to be some rock solid reason to break up with anyone (i.e cheating, fighting so many days a week, etc.). You can fall in love with someone who is a wonderful person - but maybe they aren't right for you for a lifetime.

    If you're not happy, go be happy! You don't need anymore justification than that.

    I disagree. Love is looked at as a feeling, and while that can be true, it should also be a choice. You are choosing to love that person through the good and the bad. If we based every decision we made off of love, this world would be in a sad, sad state. Love can come and go, and if we were to break up with someone simply because we fell out of love, most relationships wouldn't ever last.

    Both sentiments are true I just want to put it out there though YOU need to FEEL LOVED and safe, and respected, and valued. If you can't sit down and have a conversation with your partner saying "When you do X, Y, Z I feel like you don't care about me/are disrespectful/ etc. and this is unacceptable to me/or I need you to..." and have that come to a resolution without you sacrificing your need to feel that way - that person has shown you they DON'T feel that way about you. Weather it's because they don't have the ability to make a commitment or understand loving someone is a choice or not at some point that's not your problem.
  • banshishi
    banshishi Posts: 197
    it all depends if both partners want to fix it..its as simple as that, if someone wants out then its pretty much beyond it, mostly people in that situation stay together for the sake of habit, or feeling somehow obliged to be there...

    If its a case of life has derailed the happy times, things have got routine and jaded but both parties actually want that relationship then with work its usually fixable.
  • wolfpack77
    wolfpack77 Posts: 655
    Then stop being a brat.
  • dalana84
    dalana84 Posts: 75 Member
    I'm working on it! I'm making quite a few changes and trying to be a better person all around!
  • iLoveMyPitbull1225
    iLoveMyPitbull1225 Posts: 1,690 Member
    you only get one life. I would choose happiness. It does not sound like you are happy. If you feel that you have truly done all that you can do as a couple to make your relationship work, then move on with your life.
  • PrettyGirlPayton
    PrettyGirlPayton Posts: 93 Member
    I think it's good she has recognized that is not how it should be. that is good. some couples like being unhappy. the next step is are you both going to strive to make peace? if not end on good terms and move on.that's good advice I think. well from me.
  • ShmoozyQ
    ShmoozyQ Posts: 390 Member
    We live in this culture where the longevity of a relationship is celebrated; where sometimes that becomes more important than the satisfaction in a relationship. People are always quick to say, "You've been together SO long, don't give up!" Meh. If you're unhappy, go be happy. There doesn't have to be some rock solid reason to break up with anyone (i.e cheating, fighting so many days a week, etc.). You can fall in love with someone who is a wonderful person - but maybe they aren't right for you for a lifetime.

    If you're not happy, go be happy! You don't need anymore justification than that.

    I disagree. Love is looked at as a feeling, and while that can be true, it should also be a choice. You are choosing to love that person through the good and the bad. If we based every decision we made off of love, this world would be in a sad, sad state. Love can come and go, and if we were to break up with someone simply because we fell out of love, most relationships wouldn't ever last.

    What I meant is sort of the same thing you're saying. I've been in a relationship for 9 years, married for nearly 4. I love him with all my heart. Are we in that silly "in love" part of the relationship that everyone gets in the beginning for a year-ish? Not anymore, of course. No one can stay that way, it's biologically impossible. :laugh: But are we HAPPY with eachother. Absolutely. I was advocating finding someone who makes you HAPPY long term - not just finding something long term.


    p.s. I also spent three years with a complete jerk, because "we've been through so much!" Mmmkay. Haha. Oh, those young, foolish days.
  • EatClean_WashUrNuts
    EatClean_WashUrNuts Posts: 1,590 Member
    Relationships are about equal respect and communication. When love is core of the relationship, there is no greater realization of this. It takes 2 tending to what they control within the relationship (that which the choices are before them) in order for the relationship to last. If you don't believe this, look to you ancestors - from your grandparents and beyond. When the equality of respect is no longer present, communication fails. Add in the acceptance that marriage is just a formality, and no longer held as a solidifying bond in which the vows one another take are held on high and with total respect.
    Love is the greatest gift in life that you cannot only give but receive. It should be respected as so. And when it is not, you need to communicate it. Keep the fire for the soul burning by addressing whatever pains you have.

    Lastly, we must remember that setting expectations upon another person beyond giving equal respect is futile. You can only control one half of the relationship. Do you your part. If the other is failing, communicate. If there is desire and action to adjust, then there is no relationship, only a lie.
  • agriffiths73
    agriffiths73 Posts: 108 Member
    you sound like you both have a little growing up to do. Have the conversations, don't be afraid of the answers and be completely open and honest with each other, however hard that may be. Talk frankly about all that is good and bad about the situation and what is going on with each of you. It's really hard if you're not used to this kind of communication and it will take some time and there will be tears from both of you, but it may be what you both need.
    Open your ears and your heart's to each other and really listen. You are a family and you both, and your children need the honesty and openness here. Please talk to each other.
  • namari
    namari Posts: 54 Member
    Was with my partner for 11 years and we were getting to the arguing a lot stage for about a month then we went to thailand for a holiday and while there he dumped me for a thai Wh**e i was alone in a foreign country and booked the first flight home when he got back a week later before i had found a place to move away to he thought we could fix it as after all its the first time he thought about cheating on me and he still says it was mistake (while still calling his *fling* )

    my relationship is beyond fixing .

    But i think yours sounds like it could work only you can know whats best we can all give advice and examples but don't know all the other things going on and only you will know if you want it to work and ask yourself is it worth the effort? would i miss them if they were not there or be relieved they are gone.

    Good luck :)
  • WeekndOVOXO
    WeekndOVOXO Posts: 779 Member
    For me, it was when i wouldn't do the little things anymore. We knew then it was time to split up(well she did I took it a lot harder.)

    Now I just find it hard to believe that people can legitimately fall in love and stay in love for countless of years. Eventually it just seems like it becomes a routine.
  • jennifer_417
    jennifer_417 Posts: 12,344 Member
    I truly believe that the only time a relationship is beyond fixing is when one or both parties give up. Any relationship can be saved as long as both parties are willing to put in the work.
  • BadCheeze
    BadCheeze Posts: 2 Member
    Good relationships are easy! There are good men out there, you just have to find them. Dust off and move on to someone that will make seeing each other a happy thing. I have been with my man for 10 years. Argueing can be very hurtful and damaging and if it's not done with maturity, love and a common goal then it's a wasted effort.

Categories