Worried about fiance'

davery1985

I'm worried about him too. His fiancee seems to believe that complaining about him on a public forum is a better idea than simply talking to him, and that you'll magically die by 30 from eating junk food.

You have a bad attitude. Isnt it clear to you that she is genuinely worried about him. Try and give advice and not be so nasty, she doesnt deserve that comment you just made.

kr1stadee

3 years ago, my husband lost his best friend. He was 26.

He would eat an entire large pizza to himself, wash it down with a litre of cola.. next meal was a double cheese burger, upsized fries. I don't know what his home-meals were like. He was not a big man, actually he was pretty average. Worked in a smoking room at a gaming pavilion, did a lot of late nights and backshifts.

He was dating a girl who was older than him, she had a daughter with someone else, and they had a daughter. She was about 4 years old. He took the older girl to the mall one day, just before Christmas (it was her birthday), and he was getting her a cell phone. He didn't make it into the mall, he took a massive heart attack getting out of his car. This little girl, turning 12, on her birthday, had to run into the mall alone to find help for her step father. He was gone before anyone came out.

26 years old, an amazingly nice man, handsome as hell, but his diet and lifestyle sucked. My husband changed a lot of the way he was eating because of his death. Sadly, that's what it took to get him to see what I was "nagging" him about.

I hope you can get through to your fiance. It's a scary thing when you really don't see a future with him alive. My husband was a heavy smoker, and 1-2 times a month he'd move a certain way, and his heart rate would go insane. I timed it once, 220 beats per minute. The hospital couldn't find anything wrong, of course, because by the time we got there, it stopped. Another time we had gone to the ER because of it, he had a few drinks (my brother's wedding reception), and they just said he was a drunk and needed to stop worrying. Lovely.

He quit smoking almost 3 years ago, and he hasn't had the racing heart in almost 3 years!

premiumchilenita

My hubby is as stubborn as a mule when it comes to this. At one stage he was eating a jar of mayonnaise in a week :noway: was disgusting! and I too, like you, was worried about his health and not his looks because I find him very attractive at any weight.
I tried telling him it's unhealthy and blah, blah, blah....didn't work.
So, what we did is we came to a plan that if he did a certain amount of exercise, he was going to get a treat from me, what ever he desired *not food* So he is more motivated now and does do some which is better than none.
The eating part.....well that's another story, but at the end of the day he needs to want it as well. positive insentives are better than negative ones

bethygirlie

Thanks, everyone I really appreciate the advice. I'm going to try to get him to go to the basketball court with me and shoot some hoops, or at least take a walk with me 3x a week. And thanks for the story of the guy who passed away at 26. I'm going to tell him about that and maybe that will get the point across. As for the one rude person, haters gonna hate. What can I say. I haven't gotten to where I am right now without a few haters. It's life.

ChristineS_51

I am really worried about my fiance'. He leads an extremely unhealthy lifestyle. His resting heart rate is 95-100, he smokes 2 packs a day, he drinks energy drinks, and he sits around playing xbox and sleeping. He has no physical activity at all. He's 24, so he thinks that it's fine that he does this, that nothing bad can happen. He quit drinking two years ago, but that's because I gave him an ultimatum. I really don't want to give him an ultimatum again but I don't want to be a widow by the time he's 30. I am really concerned. He eats like a 5 year old on a binge (flamin hot funyns, cheetos, pizza, mcdonalds, a whole box of granola bars in one sitting, candy, etc.) he carries all his excess weight in his stomach. He's 5'3" and weighs 180. I know 180 isn't a lot but all these other factors going for him are going to cause him a lot of grief in the long run. I work on a cardiac unit of a hospital and I know how dangerous everything he does, added up, can do. I just want to know a good way to talk to him without him thinking that I'm being a jerk or trying to say he's fat/unattractive to me. I love him, I just don't want him to die...

and please, no comments about "how can you be with someone who sits around and plays xbox all day?" because I just want answers to the question I posted, not about my relationship.

I agree with other posters that you can't "make" someone change - they need to do it for themselves, as we all have done.

Have you tried saying to him, when he is in a receptive mood ie no gaming just what you put in your post "I love him, I just don't want him to die"? Just be honest.

Young men being the invincible things they are, death is probably not so scary anyway - but what about becoming disabled due to a stroke, is that more scary?

How does he get the crap he eats - does he go shopping? If you buy it, stop it! At least he will get exercise shopping for it himself.

He isn't tall - but that doesn't mean he can't have a beautiful muscular body if he worked at it. Do you go to the gym, could he go with you? I like the idea about the Wii

Does he have a job? Could he do volunteer stuff, work with kids or elderly, or is that not an interest?

There is no easy answer, he is a lucky young man to have such a caring fiancee. Good luck. :flowerforyou:

MrsWonderland

I delt with this many years ago. My x-fiance played his games all day long, chain smoked, wouldnt work and ate what he wanted. When he came over my house he would bring his games and set them up. His fingers were stained with nicotine.He was 31 and the only way he would leave his game was to get more smokes or to hook his game up somewhere else. I tryed everything, I never nagged, he wouldnt of heard me any ways. I became shut out of his world with his games or fun times together got less and less. He lived with his mother and she would beg me to help , I knew after several months for him there wasnt any help.

With a broken heart I told him he had to make some kind of changes or I was gone. He would tell me he appled for jobs and a couple of times my mother cought him in lies about it. His mother did too he never left the house. So after 6months of him getting worse, I told him goodbye, I cried.I bought my own ring so I kept it. I had hope for a while that would of worked. But a couple of years after I ran into his mother and she thanked me for trying and told me he still hasnt changed he never leaves home now exept to get smokes and pop.

I am happily married now, though he doesnt eat right he still is active by that I mean he works in the yard and works on the car or goes on a walk with me. Sometimes it helps to walk away, sometimes they will open their eyes and sometimes they wont. But I know I am happier than I have ever been with my husband and never look back.

I really wish the best for both of you, but you also need to be happy.

Spindrift2012

I would suggest that you don't ask him to join you because you're worried about his health, etc. Tell him you want to spend some time with him, you miss him when you're at work and so on. You want to spend time together. Choose an activity you both want to do - walking is a good one to start with. Then hopefully if you get into a routine with it then he'll join in more.

Cook him healthy romantic meals - make them look romantic so he doesn't spot that they are healthy. Then he'll be eating different food.

The reality is that you can't do it for him. And if you try to pressure him, he will accuse you of nagging and shut his ears to you.

alaythea

Sadly, you can't make anyone want to have a better lifestyle. No amount of bribing, fighting, forcing, etc. is going to make them. My suggestion is sit him down, explain to him WHY you are concerned (you want to live a long life with him, etc.) and leave it at that. Most people fight against that feeling that they HAVE to do something. I know I do. If someone gives me an ultimatum it makes me want to do the complete opposite. My husband, luckily, works an extremely active job and is very tall so he can eat a lot more crap than most and still stay skinny but I do with he was more into eating healthy and working out. But I can't force him, it has to be his choice all on his own. I had to make the decision on my own as well, I had to get to the point that I hated how I was before I would change. But I do have a family member who is a lot like your fiance', he's 5'4 and weighs about 300lbs and all he does is sit on the computer all day. I'm terrified for his life yet nothing works to make him change. SO sadly we just have to leave it alone until he gets his own wake up call. But I understand your frustration, wish there was a magic button we could push to change things! *hugs*

lavieboheme1229

take that whole paragraph there you wrote, and say it to him.

Then, he has to decide what he wants to do. You can't make him change. Just like no one could have forced you to make the decision to change your lifestyle. He needs to figure out what is more important. His XBox, or your future children.

alaythea

You can only control one person, which is your self (of course children being an exception).

In this scenario HE has to decide to change. He hasn't so there is NOTHING you can say to him

to make him change.

That being said, if you still choose to be with him you will have to accept him as he is.

If you don't like that, you will have to move on.

And I do agree that if someone won't change you have to either except that and be willing to leave it alone or move on. Has he been like this since you met him? If you got with him while he was like this than you honestly can't expect him to change all of a sudden just because you want him to. I know that sounds terrible but it's the truth. My husband got with me when I was fit and healthy - so when I gained weight and got lazy it made sense that he wanted me to change. That wasn't the person he got with. And i realize it wasn't fair to him to expect him to want to be with me like that when that's not who he chose to begin with. Does that make sense?!

Bronx_Montgomery

Damn thats not good. Hmmm I guess the best thing to do is just talk to him. Do not by any means make a fight out of it. Just let him know that he is the man of your life and going to be the father of your future kids and you would love for him to be around for as long as possible. Maybe start having healthier choices around the house....get rid of the junk food and shop for all the good stuff. This may help.

thebigcb

there is a terrrible stink of troll off this post

But, does he have an active job at least?

Francesca3162

Sometimes people will change for the ones they love, but more often than not, they change because THEY want to..
Did someone else convince you to get healthy or was it something you decided you wanted to do for you?
Your fiance will either come to the realization that he wants to get healthy or he won't...

What you can do is ask him to do healthy things with you- hiking, skating, skiing, etc,. if he says no, then go without him.. if he sees you spending more and more time doing active things and he wants to spend time with you then he will join in...

EmilyRanae22

I can't tell you a lot about how to talk to him, but if you haven't had any young pacients recently you could tell him about my friend. He was 27, I saw him two weekends ago and the following monday got a text that he had died of a heart attack. The ONLY risk factor he had was being morbidly obease, he didn't smoke, was active, didn't drink....ok he ate pretty crappy too (hence being obease) but sometimes it takes seeing it first hand for it to get through someone's head.

I'm convinced that all of those behaviors are very similar to alcoholism or drug abuse, no one is going to stop until he/she is ready. I hope for your man that time comes soon and it doesn't take a real scary wake up call

WalkingGirl1985

That is not good. I would be very worried about him too. What I found helped me in my situation with my fiancee is to make him think that hes not a weight loss journey. Most nights, I'd cook some chicken. Use lean beef or ground turkey to make the burgers my fiancee loves rather then eating crap at fast food places all the time. I can even find a way to make nachos with the meat without it turning into endless calories. I would give that a try. The only addiction my fiancee has is the soda/pop. I would try and talk to your fiancee, try what I did...maybe make the healthier versions of his favorite meals if you can swing it. Maybe a couple times a week, ask him to take a walk with you..just for fun, say its fresh air..and good luck to you. :happy:

abaka123

^ i like this Idea. Men get way to overwhelmed with 'alot' at one time. Maybe sit him down and say "I love you. I care about us and our relationship. I need your support and you need my support. It's time WE BOTH make small changes in our lives. I need for you to start caring about yourself and your health. Weather it is going to the gym with me or stop smoking as your first 'small change'.

Sometimes tough love needs to happen. If you start to feel unattracted to him b/c of his lifestyle, ESPECIALLY SMOKING YUCK!, and he doesn't care about giving any of it up, then saying goodbye might be the right thing, B/c most people 'relapse' when they are successful with weightloss and change from not having a support system from their partner. Truthfully, it's disrespectful. It took my husband a while to stop buying or making things I 'used' to eat, such as fries, bacon, chips, cookies, etc. He use to say "Just dont eat it." This is coming from a guy who can run a mile in 5 mins, wears 31in waist and has a high metabolism. When I started this /life change/ 4 months ago I had to sit down and talk with him about serious and realing stepping up to the plate with my diet. One day, Im not sure what happen, he came home with groceries and said' i only bought one snack for myself b/c i know it would be better for you if snacks were outside of the house." He is doing a great job with his 'change' and so am I.
Just for thought. Good Luck

daffodilsoup

Unfortunately, he is the only one who can choose to make lifestyle changes for himself. When it comes down to it, he probably knows that his habits are unhealthy, but he just isn't ready to make that leap.

Keep setting a good example - offer him some of your healthier meals/snacks, invite him along when you work out, go walking, whatever. When it's the right time for him, he'll make the change.

scheatwood

I have a similar situation, though not. My husband will be 24 in Dec., is currently in a depressed state from unemployment and his exercise/eating habit are horrible.

Since I've started my journey, my husband has limited his junk food intake, mainly because I'm the one who buys groceries. We try to limit out eating out to once a week. He doesn't care about portion control, but I've got him eating a little bit healthier since I prepare the meals too. Because he doesn't want to just sit around while I'm at the gym, he drops me off and goes for walks at a local trail and we walk together on the weekends.

I guess it kind of became like, 'do this half way with me or stay in this mood you've been in!'

B_Mindful

Take a look at these sites:
http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/about-2/
https://www.fitocracy.com/getting-started/

They might appeal to the gamer in him.

Best of luck to you!

emnk5308

I had a similar issue.. I made a pouty face, and looked at him really concerned and told him I wanted him to be healthy. He was feeling like *kitten*, his stomach always hurt.. he was always tired.. so I told him I wanted to pick out some healthier dinner options when we went grocery shopping. We found some healthy snacks that he likes, and slowly are changing how we eat Try to make small changes together..