Worried about fiance'

dr2k12

The thing is when your 24 that is the time to get a handle on things. That 180lbs will blossom well into the 200's and at that point he is almost certainly going to develop some weight related issues...

Elzecat

Since you've made such an amazing transformation yourself (225 pounds! awesome!)...maybe think about what made YOU want to change? Was there something in particular that got things started for you or inspired you? Maybe that can help you come up with some ways to approach this...

I don't know you or your fiance, but I do agree with some of the other posts on here wondering why you choose to stay with someone who has such different values in this area? how does he help to support YOUR continued health and fitness, if he refuses to take care of his own health?

lisadiane41

I understand what you are going through. My dad ate really bad for years and 6 years ago he had triple by-pass surgery with a leaky valve fixed. It is sad to see someone you love whether it is your parent, husband, finance, etc go down that path. My family was really scarred because my dad was 92% blocked and we were lucky he did not have a heart attack. All I can say is that you either tell him without yelling and fighting that his bad habits are going to eventually lead to a possible heart attack or complications with his heart and that you love him and want him around to grow old with and that you would prefer that he eats more healthy. Even suggest that he see a dietitian to get him on the right path. I wish you the best of luck. I know how painful it must be. But you have to make a decision if he does not want to listen to you either. You must accept him for who he is or unfortunately move on if it is causing you that much pain to see him like that. I hope that it works out and he realizes how important his health is and takes it very seriously and how much you care.

malicent

YOLO.

But seriously, what if he was the one who lost weight more rapidly/sooner than you? Or what if you got fatter and fatter? How would you want him to react to that? Especially when you don't see or feel a need to change? You say this now because you're losing weight, but watch you gain it back and then some. And then what? You'll be eating your words along with that cake and ice cream. Ahahahahhahaa.

avir8

My coach told her husband to either start working out or she would get a million dollar life insurance policy. She loved him but if he wasn't going to be there for her and the kids they should at least be financially secure. That man ran to the gym the next day and I saw him there everyday after that.

avir8

What you're saying is, your fiance eats like a pig, lives like a 7 year old on summer vacation, and smokes like a chimney.

Sooooo...remind us all WHY the hell you want to marry this guy? Get out. Get out NOW.

and please, no comments about "how can you be with someone who sits around and plays xbox all day?" because I just want answers to the question I posted, not about my relationship.

The fact that you feel the need to say this sort of proves that you already know he's a good-for-nothing slob. Instead of trying to change this one (who already sounds like a lost cause), raise your standards. You deserve better!

I doubt she will, most women never do
but gurrrl

bethygirlie

YOLO.

But seriously, what if he was the one who lost weight more rapidly/sooner than you? Or what if you got fatter and fatter? How would you want him to react to that? Especially when you don't see or feel a need to change? You say this now because you're losing weight, but watch you gain it back and then some. And then what? You'll be eating your words along with that cake and ice cream. Ahahahahhahaa.

wow, really? I seriously eat the way I WANT TO EAT. I'm not on a diet, I changed my lifestyle. He eats the way HE wants to eat. Believe me, I'm not going to gain it back because I didn't lose it that fast, it's a gradual thing. I don't condemn anyone and I don't think you should judge me because you don't know me and you don't know the life I live. I live a very healthy lifestyle and I emphasize LIFESTYLE. I won't gain it back because I know what's at stake. I almost died at 400 pounds. I won't go there again, trust me. No need to be rude.

bethygirlie

and plus, his eating habits have nothing to do with me. I've sat there plenty of times when he's eaten pizza, cookies, etc. and it really does not bother me. He doesn't pressure me into eating what he's eating. He knows better than that.

malicent

Oh snap you're a PCT in cardiac, to boot. I find it hard to believe that you've made so much progress, and did all the necessary lifestyle adjustments and gotten used to them.. I mean, with diet alone, you would LITERALLY both eat two different meals? You'd be munching on something healthy while he feasts on pizza and donuts??

Sounds like my folks with the whole asian/american food thing. It's such a pain too.

Anyways you look better and it seems like you've got your priorities straight. Unfortunately what people fail to realize is that losing fat is much more than what it sounds. You're improving yourself, your whole entire mindset and outlook on life shifts. You become a different person in many ways. At least, that's what I would think. Then again I haven't been to the deep or shallow end in its extremities.

You're hot now and got your priorities straight. He's ugly and lame so... time to cut your losses. Quick! Cut the chain before that anchor makes your ship sink!!!!!! >:D LOL


*EDIT - I mean, I find it hard to believe that you've done all the adjustments which is good and all for you, but then he wouldn't just eat with you what you ate and stuff.. you know, like have your diet rub off on him. I find it hard to believe that if he hasn't picked up on it by now, especially with your progress which is like a no-brainer, then it's hard to believe he'll do it anytime soon.

AND THAT GIRL WHO SAID "MAGICALLY DIE FROM EATING JUNK FOOD..." Well, you see it's really not magical at all. You see, eating things like too many carbohydrates and fats can result in an excess of glucose or triglycerides, in which the fatty dep--potato.

bethygirlie

Oh snap you're a PCT in cardiac, to boot. I find it hard to believe that you've made so much progress, and did all the necessary lifestyle adjustments and gotten used to them.. I mean, with diet alone, you would LITERALLY both eat two different meals? You'd be munching on something healthy while he feasts on pizza and donuts??

Sounds like my folks with the whole asian/american food thing. It's such a pain too.

Anyways you look better and it seems like you've got your priorities straight. Unfortunately what people fail to realize is that losing fat is much more than what it sounds. You're improving yourself, your whole entire mindset and outlook on life shifts. You become a different person in many ways. At least, that's what I would think. Then again I haven't been to the deep or shallow end in its extremities.

You're hot now and got your priorities straight. He's ugly and lame so... time to cut your losses. Quick! Cut the chain before that anchor makes your ship sink!!!!!! >:D LOL

A lot of people find it hard to believe unless you actually know me. But it's true. And yes generally we eat seperate meals. Our fridge looks like a health nazi and a 5 year old live there. But you know what, nothing makes you want to challenge yourself, not gain the weight back, and eat healthy like the threat of death. And I know if I went back to that, I would have died. That's what convinced me to eat healthy in the beginning. They wanted me to get the surgery. I said hell no. I am strong enough that I can do it on my own and keep going. I'm a stronger person now because of that. And hell no I won't eat what he's eating. I practically smack it out of his hand. It's crap. Why would I feed my body stuff that almost led me 6 feet under? Granted, one piece of pizza won't do that, but the way I was eating, it would have. And though it's "hard to believe" I've lost all this weight on my own....you have to take into account that I went from eating like 8,500 calories a day to 1500 and exercising.

Edit: I appreciate your last comment, I thought you were personally attacking me in your first post and laughing because you think I'm going to gain it back. I'm not, and I really don't understand why people don't get that this is a complete and total lifestyle change. But yeah, I appreciate you being considerate now.

malicent

If you truly love him, just enjoy his company to the fullest while he is around now. No use in arguing with him or spending his last days trying to push him into doing something he clearly doesn't want to do. Maybe he feels that it's too late for him, and that his end is near. I'm sure you're familiar with the term 'hospice care,' with you being a PCT and all. The best thing you can do for him is help him to be the happiest man he can be in his final days. You would regret for life if he were to leave while you were both unhappy with each other..

malicent

Oh snap you're a PCT in cardiac, to boot. I find it hard to believe that you've made so much progress, and did all the necessary lifestyle adjustments and gotten used to them.. I mean, with diet alone, you would LITERALLY both eat two different meals? You'd be munching on something healthy while he feasts on pizza and donuts??

Sounds like my folks with the whole asian/american food thing. It's such a pain too.

Anyways you look better and it seems like you've got your priorities straight. Unfortunately what people fail to realize is that losing fat is much more than what it sounds. You're improving yourself, your whole entire mindset and outlook on life shifts. You become a different person in many ways. At least, that's what I would think. Then again I haven't been to the deep or shallow end in its extremities.

You're hot now and got your priorities straight. He's ugly and lame so... time to cut your losses. Quick! Cut the chain before that anchor makes your ship sink!!!!!! >:D LOL

A lot of people find it hard to believe unless you actually know me. But it's true. And yes generally we eat seperate meals. Our fridge looks like a health nazi and a 5 year old live there. But you know what, nothing makes you want to challenge yourself, not gain the weight back, and eat healthy like the threat of death. And I know if I went back to that, I would have died. That's what convinced me to eat healthy in the beginning. They wanted me to get the surgery. I said hell no. I am strong enough that I can do it on my own and keep going. I'm a stronger person now because of that. And hell no I won't eat what he's eating. I practically smack it out of his hand. It's crap. Why would I feed my body stuff that almost led me 6 feet under? Granted, one piece of pizza won't do that, but the way I was eating, it would have. And though it's "hard to believe" I've lost all this weight on my own....you have to take into account that I went from eating like 8,500 calories a day to 1500 and exercising.

Oh hey sorry, I editted that while you must have been responding. I cleared it up though.

chicago_dad

what motivates him? If it were me, I would want you to tell me that you're giving up on me because you can't stand the pain of losing me and that I am probably going to die. That's too painful for you, so it's easier for you to give up now.

That would motivate me to prove you wrong. For some (many?) that would sink them deeper into their weak-willed death spiral of Doritos and X-Box or what-have-you. So, figure out what motivates him and do that.

malicent

Yeah my mom went through open heart surgery this past summer. She had a triple heart bypass and valve replacement. It scared me a lot, for both of our sake. It's the reason why I'm here now, on MFP. Even after the brush of death, she's STILL reluctant to get so active. So I encourage her to walk with me which she does. It's all I can ask for. I can't afford to push her to the point where she gets mad, and we begin to fight. I don't want to cause her more stress or make her feel worse than she must already. All I can do is work on myself. And hopefully, little by little, she'll pick up the pace. It's all I can hope for.

ladytinkerbell99

OP: ". I just want to know a good way to talk to him without him thinking that I'm being a jerk or trying to say he's fat/unattractive to me. I love him, I just don't want him to die..".

---

My suggestion: Right now, your BF is probably thinking that you are going to be coming down hard on him about his lifestyle.
(Even if you are not, in his mind - he already knows he has a problem). We have all been there.

Personally, I think the best way to deal with this is:

One night after work when you both have it off or on the weekend. Instead of doing the regular routine. Make it an adventure. Make it
FUN!!
Call him and ask him what time it says on his watch? Then say: At 10:00 am both parties will be dressed and ready to head out on "My command". (If you like be a little sexy).
Don't give him long to get sidetracked or think of excuses why he can't do it.

Note** Since he has not worked out in awhile. Go slow. Make it FUN. That way he will come back again.
Walk to the first park.
Hold his feet so he can do sit-ups to you. When he reaches you - give him one sexy kiss.
Try it again on the next sit-up. Do 25 sit-ups.

This routine works.

Finally, as your return home. Tie a piece of string along your hand and his.
Walk a couple of miles like this.
For: "“An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet regardless of time, place or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle but it will never break.” - Chinese Proverb

RAFValentina

I am really worried about my fiance'. He leads an extremely unhealthy lifestyle. His resting heart rate is 95-100, he smokes 2 packs a day, he drinks energy drinks, and he sits around playing xbox and sleeping. He has no physical activity at all. He's 24, so he thinks that it's fine that he does this, that nothing bad can happen. He quit drinking two years ago, but that's because I gave him an ultimatum. I really don't want to give him an ultimatum again but I don't want to be a widow by the time he's 30. I am really concerned. He eats like a 5 year old on a binge (flamin hot funyns, cheetos, pizza, mcdonalds, a whole box of granola bars in one sitting, candy, etc.) he carries all his excess weight in his stomach. He's 5'3" and weighs 180. I know 180 isn't a lot but all these other factors going for him are going to cause him a lot of grief in the long run. I work on a cardiac unit of a hospital and I know how dangerous everything he does, added up, can do. I just want to know a good way to talk to him without him thinking that I'm being a jerk or trying to say he's fat/unattractive to me. I love him, I just don't want him to die...

and please, no comments about "how can you be with someone who sits around and plays xbox all day?" because I just want answers to the question I posted, not about my relationship.

Actually, 180 is a lot even for a bloke, because he is 5'3". Find a bad photo of him or take one of him scoffing his face, print it out and leave it on the counter for him to see. Show him or leave some subtle health leaflets about/around. Or simply say, and be strict and firm (but fair), that you can't marry someone who is headed for an early grave and that it's particularly selfish. If you can, then say, you'll help him by taking control of cooking his meals and motivating him to get out and about to get healthy and fit. Tell him it's not fair on you because if he gets ill as a result, which by the way is absolutely inevitable with his current regime, then it could cause you both fertility problems, and if not that , who's going to share the running round of the kids later. Or even, it could cause impotence. It sounds like you don't take your meals together. Maybe you also could work on that so that he eats better and make him his lunch. Take control of the household finances too and you be the one to buy food. Tell him he's hurting you if he cheats .... with a greasy MacDonald's. Most of all, emphasise how much you love him and want him to be around a long time and not ever to suffer as a result of something small changes could stop now. It may also help his self esteem/worth/confidence.

saxmaniac

Find a bad photo of him or take one of him scoffing his face, print it out and leave it on the counter for him to see.
Show him or leave some subtle health leaflets about/around. Or simply say, and be strict and firm (but fair), that you can't marry someone who is headed for an early grave and that it's particularly selfish. If you can, then say, you'll help him by taking control of cooking his meals and motivating him to get out and about to get healthy and fit. Tell him it's not fair on you because if he gets ill as a result, which by the way is absolutely inevitable with his current regime, then it could cause you both fertility problems, and if not that , who's going to share the running round of the kids later. Or even, it could cause impotence. It sounds like you don't take your meals together. Maybe you also could work on that so that he eats better and make him his lunch. Take control of the household finances too and you be the one to buy food. Tell him he's hurting you if he cheats .... with a greasy MacDonald's. Most of all, emphasise how much you love him and want him to be around a long time and not ever to suffer as a result of something small changes could stop now. It may also help his self esteem/worth/confidence.

Other than the part about not marrying him (which is totally valid) all of this is bunk. It's controlling, passive-aggressive, self-absorbed, selfish, manipulative, blame-shifting... basically everything NOT to do in a healthy relationship. If a man tried to do this to is wife, we'd rightfully call him An *kitten*.

Most telling is "empathise about how much you love him" - do you even know what empathy means? You empathize about how others feel, not how YOU feel. Come on.

thebigcb

What you're saying is, your fiance eats like a pig, lives like a 7 year old on summer vacation, and smokes like a chimney.

Sooooo...remind us all WHY the hell you want to marry this guy? Get out. Get out NOW.

and please, no comments about "how can you be with someone who sits around and plays xbox all day?" because I just want answers to the question I posted, not about my relationship.

The fact that you feel the need to say this sort of proves that you already know he's a good-for-nothing slob. Instead of trying to change this one (who already sounds like a lost cause), raise your standards. You deserve better!

BOOM