Forgiveness? How?

virichi08

YES, forgiveness is NOT for the OTHER person, it is for YOU, to give you a peace of mind, but HOW did you forgive? How did you forgive the person who you have wished the worst on or wanted to seek revenge on? The person who hurt your child, or killed a loved one.(or worse) HOW did you forgive? (And the response of "let it go" doesn't say much to me... unless you can explain HOW to let go.)
Hoping to get as many ideas as possible from other people. (I've read books, and theories and other things online, but I have reached the point of desperation and i just need as much input as possible from PEOPLE)

martymays

One thing that I do is that I pray for the person that I'm trying to forgive. Whether I really mean it or not. I continue this until I do mean it. Once I get to the point that I do mean it, I usually find that I have forgiven that person in my heart. Some things take longer than others, naturally. I have some things that I've been working on forgivng for a long time that I still am not satisfied on. Also, once you forgive, it doesn't mean that you forget. If you know that you are dealing with a bad person, you just can't let them put you in a position again to cause hard feelings. I also find it easier to forgive when I don't have to see the other person on a regular basis.

virichi08

One thing that I do is that I pray for the person that I'm trying to forgive. Whether I really mean it or not. I continue this until I do mean it. Once I get to the point that I do mean it, I usually find that I have forgiven that person in my heart. Some things take longer than others, naturally. I have some things that I've been working on forgivng for a long time that I still am not satisfied on. Also, once you forgive, it doesn't mean that you forget. If you know that you are dealing with a bad person, you just can't let them put you in a position again to cause hard feelings. I also find it easier to forgive when I don't have to see the other person on a regular basis.

True. I THINK I have forgiven until the person gets mentioned or (on rare occasions) I see the person. Then the thghts I have are those that could put me behind bars. :mad: so frustrating.

HurricaneElaine

I didn't forgive - after my father died in 1986, I stood in front of his open casket, and said to myself, It's over now, you're dead and gone, you can't hurt me any more. I don't hate him any more. I don't think of him hardly at all. What he did to me in the first 25 years of my life is NOT going to ruin the rest of my life.

I just wish my youngest brother could learn how to do this. He is the most miserable person on Earth because of my father.

chicadejmu

I don't have an answer for you because I don't know how you honestly move past someone doing something terrible to a loved one. I would have murder in my heart too.

But I did want to let you know that my heart goes out to you and I hope that you are able to find some peace.

falcon367

“Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.”

^^^^^ what's the point in doing this? Let it go or live in misery ... the choice is yours.

kimothy38

I find it hard to forgive people and if someone did something to awful to me or my family I would find it difficult to not feel intense hatred. I like what marty says though and have come across it before - pray for the other person even if you don't mean it. Resentment is letting someone live rent free in your head. I didn't speak to my father for 10 years and my brother kept telling me to get over it. I just couldn't do it until I was in the right frame of mind and it took 10 years. Whatever it is that you are going through must be really hard, especially if you still see the person around. Big hugs to you.

emcdonie

For me, as a follower of Christ, it is usually a case of remembering the grace God has given me, when I know I haven't really deserved it. How can I then withhold hatred in my heart toward another. I try to view the person how God might, one of His children who is in error and who He hopes will "make it right". I also agree, if you pray for the person and cleanse your heart to be utterly sincere...that will go a long way for you to have peace in your heart.

liesevanlingen

Forgiveness takes time. It took me years to forgive a family member who regularly abused me a child. I can pray for him, and I do, sincerely, because I feel sorry for him. He will never (unless he comes to ask for forgiveness) see my children, meet my wonderful husband and be a part of our family. He has completely disowned me, since I spoke out about the abuse, and he pretends I do not exist. That doesn't matter. I don't have to wait for him to ask for reconciliation. My ability to forgive doesn't depend on whether he admits he is wrong.
But forgiveness didn't come overnight. Like I said, it does take time--sometimes years--and prayer. You may need to "talk it out" so you can get rid of it. I always thought of it as taking out the garbage--you collect all the terrible things and hurts and anger and put it on the outside of your body. Whether you do this in a private journal, or with a counselor/therapy group/close friend doesn't matter. Until you literally get the hurt "out" of you, it festers away inside. Write the person a letter, just to express the way that you feel. Don't send the letter to him/her, just write it, so that you can start getting the hurt out. I found that very cathartic.
Don't beat yourself up about feeling angry. You have a RIGHT to feel angry! Somebody hurt you and that's worth being angry about! Give yourself permission to express that anger, as I suggested before. You need to work your way through the hurt and the anger before you can forgive. Give yourself time. If you can't pray directly for the person who hurt you, pray for yourself, that you will be able to work your way through this and be able to forgive eventually.. Healing is very much a slow process, a kind of grieving process, and you can't rush it.

I hope this helps and I will pray for you too.

RumpusP

I don't forgive the worst of things, never. I stop hurting and being angry about them over time, but I don't forgive.

tbruegg

I believe you are not required to forgive unless the person comes and asks for forgiveness.....

JenKillough

For me, it's just about time and patience. It's not as if I say... oh, you're off the hook now. For those people who've hurt me deeply at a young age, it's just that over the years it hurts less. And they mean less to me. The only person I've truly had a hard time forgiving is no longer in my life. I made sure of that. There is still anger there... but it's like I'm removed from that anger, it's more of a righteous indignation. She wronged me. But I don't stew over it. I guess I see it more objectively now, and it doesn't really bother me unless I just sit hard and think about it. I think the important thing is to somehow rise above it and go on and live your life... with or without their presence, love, attention, understanding... it's not about them, it's about how you handle it in your own mind.

jg627

It depends. Sometimes forgiveness is pointless. Some things can never be forgiven or forgotten.

virichi08

I didn't forgive - after my father died in 1986, I stood in front of his open casket, and said to myself, It's over now, you're dead and gone, you can't hurt me any more. I don't hate him any more. I don't think of him hardly at all. What he did to me in the first 25 years of my life is NOT going to ruin the rest of my life.

I just wish my youngest brother could learn how to do this. He is the most miserable person on Earth because of my father.

I'm sorry to hear this. i often think (and hope) that this person would die and it would help, but since i do not see that happening, I'm stuck still searching. See if your brother would like to try talk therepy and go in with and open mind and not expect it to be a quick fix. It has helped me along the way, but i still have some more to go.

virichi08

“Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.”

^^^^^ what's the point in doing this? Let it go or live in misery ... the choice is yours.

I have said this many of times, but umm, this doesn't explain HOOOOW to make this happen. Do i jump hree times and dance for an hours, do i drink some magic potion and scream three times. see where i am going with this. While these quotes are true, they do over no help on HOW to do anything.

Justkeepswimmin

For me, as a follower of Christ, it is usually a case of remembering the grace God has given me, when I know I haven't really deserved it. How can I then withhold hatred in my heart toward another. I try to view the person how God might, one of His children who is in error and who He hopes will "make it right". I also agree, if you pray for the person and cleanse your heart to be utterly sincere...that will go a long way for you to have peace in your heart.

Couldn't have said it better, this is a faith question there is no 12 step program to your answer.

virichi08

For me, as a follower of Christ, it is usually a case of remembering the grace God has given me, when I know I haven't really deserved it. How can I then withhold hatred in my heart toward another. I try to view the person how God might, one of His children who is in error and who He hopes will "make it right". I also agree, if you pray for the person and cleanse your heart to be utterly sincere...that will go a long way for you to have peace in your heart.

Couldn't have said it better, this is a faith question there is no 12 step program to your answer.

FOllowing this hearing, praying all the time, faithful, sometimes I seriously feel like my prayers (concerning) this situation are not making it up there.

virichi08

For me, as a follower of Christ, it is usually a case of remembering the grace God has given me, when I know I haven't really deserved it. How can I then withhold hatred in my heart toward another. I try to view the person how God might, one of His children who is in error and who He hopes will "make it right". I also agree, if you pray for the person and cleanse your heart to be utterly sincere...that will go a long way for you to have peace in your heart.

Couldn't have said it better, this is a faith question there is no 12 step program to your answer.

FOllowing this one here, praying all the time,pouring out all of me, more than i even realized I had, being faithful....sometimes I seriously feel like my prayers (concerning) this situation are not making it up there.

mfpcopine

Forgiveness is a nice concept, assuming the offense is forgivable and the offender displays genuine remorse. Not everything is pardonable. Oftentimes, people should not try to forgive, but to move on, which is hard enough as it is.

I've seen idiotic TV shows on which the host will say, You should forgive your abusive mother/father/boyfriend/husband ... Unilateral forgiveness means nothing. It just gives you a false sense of control. Six months later, you wonder why you still are angry. It's because nothing has really changed.

MelanieAG05

I don't usually answer these sorts of posts however I gave some advice to my cousin recently on this subject........she got married 4 years ago and within 6 months of the wedding discovered her husband was sleeping with her matron of honour and had been doing so prior to the wedding. Now he won't give her a divorce as he doesn't believe he did anything wrong. Having moved on from the initial incident she has now gone back to square one and is really angry, upset, frustrated again by the whole thing. My advice to her is that she has spent enough negative energy on this man and he does not deserve one more nano-second of her thoughts as he is a waste of space. Sometimes it is not about forgiveness it is about changing your mindset. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wasting your energy/time/thoughts on such a bad person.......channel that energy into positive actions such as helping others in similar predicaments or setting and achieving some life goals.

Obviously I am writing this as I have no idea exactly what your situation is but I hope it helps along with other advice you've had here today............

Redladystl

Sounds like you may need to confront or have closure with that person.