Forgiveness? How?

virichi08

YES, forgiveness is NOT for the OTHER person, it is for YOU, to give you a peace of mind, but HOW did you forgive? How did you forgive the person who you have wished the worst on or wanted to seek revenge on? The person who hurt your child, or killed a loved one.(or worse) HOW did you forgive? (And the response of "let it go" doesn't say much to me... unless you can explain HOW to let go.)
Hoping to get as many ideas as possible from other people. (I've read books, and theories and other things online, but I have reached the point of desperation and i just need as much input as possible from PEOPLE)

martymays

One thing that I do is that I pray for the person that I'm trying to forgive. Whether I really mean it or not. I continue this until I do mean it. Once I get to the point that I do mean it, I usually find that I have forgiven that person in my heart. Some things take longer than others, naturally. I have some things that I've been working on forgivng for a long time that I still am not satisfied on. Also, once you forgive, it doesn't mean that you forget. If you know that you are dealing with a bad person, you just can't let them put you in a position again to cause hard feelings. I also find it easier to forgive when I don't have to see the other person on a regular basis.

virichi08

One thing that I do is that I pray for the person that I'm trying to forgive. Whether I really mean it or not. I continue this until I do mean it. Once I get to the point that I do mean it, I usually find that I have forgiven that person in my heart. Some things take longer than others, naturally. I have some things that I've been working on forgivng for a long time that I still am not satisfied on. Also, once you forgive, it doesn't mean that you forget. If you know that you are dealing with a bad person, you just can't let them put you in a position again to cause hard feelings. I also find it easier to forgive when I don't have to see the other person on a regular basis.

True. I THINK I have forgiven until the person gets mentioned or (on rare occasions) I see the person. Then the thghts I have are those that could put me behind bars. :mad: so frustrating.

HurricaneElaine

I didn't forgive - after my father died in 1986, I stood in front of his open casket, and said to myself, It's over now, you're dead and gone, you can't hurt me any more. I don't hate him any more. I don't think of him hardly at all. What he did to me in the first 25 years of my life is NOT going to ruin the rest of my life.

I just wish my youngest brother could learn how to do this. He is the most miserable person on Earth because of my father.

chicadejmu

I don't have an answer for you because I don't know how you honestly move past someone doing something terrible to a loved one. I would have murder in my heart too.

But I did want to let you know that my heart goes out to you and I hope that you are able to find some peace.

falcon367

“Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.”

^^^^^ what's the point in doing this? Let it go or live in misery ... the choice is yours.

kimothy38

I find it hard to forgive people and if someone did something to awful to me or my family I would find it difficult to not feel intense hatred. I like what marty says though and have come across it before - pray for the other person even if you don't mean it. Resentment is letting someone live rent free in your head. I didn't speak to my father for 10 years and my brother kept telling me to get over it. I just couldn't do it until I was in the right frame of mind and it took 10 years. Whatever it is that you are going through must be really hard, especially if you still see the person around. Big hugs to you.

emcdonie

For me, as a follower of Christ, it is usually a case of remembering the grace God has given me, when I know I haven't really deserved it. How can I then withhold hatred in my heart toward another. I try to view the person how God might, one of His children who is in error and who He hopes will "make it right". I also agree, if you pray for the person and cleanse your heart to be utterly sincere...that will go a long way for you to have peace in your heart.

liesevanlingen

Forgiveness takes time. It took me years to forgive a family member who regularly abused me a child. I can pray for him, and I do, sincerely, because I feel sorry for him. He will never (unless he comes to ask for forgiveness) see my children, meet my wonderful husband and be a part of our family. He has completely disowned me, since I spoke out about the abuse, and he pretends I do not exist. That doesn't matter. I don't have to wait for him to ask for reconciliation. My ability to forgive doesn't depend on whether he admits he is wrong.
But forgiveness didn't come overnight. Like I said, it does take time--sometimes years--and prayer. You may need to "talk it out" so you can get rid of it. I always thought of it as taking out the garbage--you collect all the terrible things and hurts and anger and put it on the outside of your body. Whether you do this in a private journal, or with a counselor/therapy group/close friend doesn't matter. Until you literally get the hurt "out" of you, it festers away inside. Write the person a letter, just to express the way that you feel. Don't send the letter to him/her, just write it, so that you can start getting the hurt out. I found that very cathartic.
Don't beat yourself up about feeling angry. You have a RIGHT to feel angry! Somebody hurt you and that's worth being angry about! Give yourself permission to express that anger, as I suggested before. You need to work your way through the hurt and the anger before you can forgive. Give yourself time. If you can't pray directly for the person who hurt you, pray for yourself, that you will be able to work your way through this and be able to forgive eventually.. Healing is very much a slow process, a kind of grieving process, and you can't rush it.

I hope this helps and I will pray for you too.

RumpusP

I don't forgive the worst of things, never. I stop hurting and being angry about them over time, but I don't forgive.

tbruegg

I believe you are not required to forgive unless the person comes and asks for forgiveness.....

JenKillough

For me, it's just about time and patience. It's not as if I say... oh, you're off the hook now. For those people who've hurt me deeply at a young age, it's just that over the years it hurts less. And they mean less to me. The only person I've truly had a hard time forgiving is no longer in my life. I made sure of that. There is still anger there... but it's like I'm removed from that anger, it's more of a righteous indignation. She wronged me. But I don't stew over it. I guess I see it more objectively now, and it doesn't really bother me unless I just sit hard and think about it. I think the important thing is to somehow rise above it and go on and live your life... with or without their presence, love, attention, understanding... it's not about them, it's about how you handle it in your own mind.

jg627

It depends. Sometimes forgiveness is pointless. Some things can never be forgiven or forgotten.

virichi08

I didn't forgive - after my father died in 1986, I stood in front of his open casket, and said to myself, It's over now, you're dead and gone, you can't hurt me any more. I don't hate him any more. I don't think of him hardly at all. What he did to me in the first 25 years of my life is NOT going to ruin the rest of my life.

I just wish my youngest brother could learn how to do this. He is the most miserable person on Earth because of my father.

I'm sorry to hear this. i often think (and hope) that this person would die and it would help, but since i do not see that happening, I'm stuck still searching. See if your brother would like to try talk therepy and go in with and open mind and not expect it to be a quick fix. It has helped me along the way, but i still have some more to go.

virichi08

“Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.”

^^^^^ what's the point in doing this? Let it go or live in misery ... the choice is yours.

I have said this many of times, but umm, this doesn't explain HOOOOW to make this happen. Do i jump hree times and dance for an hours, do i drink some magic potion and scream three times. see where i am going with this. While these quotes are true, they do over no help on HOW to do anything.

Justkeepswimmin

For me, as a follower of Christ, it is usually a case of remembering the grace God has given me, when I know I haven't really deserved it. How can I then withhold hatred in my heart toward another. I try to view the person how God might, one of His children who is in error and who He hopes will "make it right". I also agree, if you pray for the person and cleanse your heart to be utterly sincere...that will go a long way for you to have peace in your heart.

Couldn't have said it better, this is a faith question there is no 12 step program to your answer.

virichi08

For me, as a follower of Christ, it is usually a case of remembering the grace God has given me, when I know I haven't really deserved it. How can I then withhold hatred in my heart toward another. I try to view the person how God might, one of His children who is in error and who He hopes will "make it right". I also agree, if you pray for the person and cleanse your heart to be utterly sincere...that will go a long way for you to have peace in your heart.

Couldn't have said it better, this is a faith question there is no 12 step program to your answer.

FOllowing this hearing, praying all the time, faithful, sometimes I seriously feel like my prayers (concerning) this situation are not making it up there.

virichi08

For me, as a follower of Christ, it is usually a case of remembering the grace God has given me, when I know I haven't really deserved it. How can I then withhold hatred in my heart toward another. I try to view the person how God might, one of His children who is in error and who He hopes will "make it right". I also agree, if you pray for the person and cleanse your heart to be utterly sincere...that will go a long way for you to have peace in your heart.

Couldn't have said it better, this is a faith question there is no 12 step program to your answer.

FOllowing this one here, praying all the time,pouring out all of me, more than i even realized I had, being faithful....sometimes I seriously feel like my prayers (concerning) this situation are not making it up there.

mfpcopine

Forgiveness is a nice concept, assuming the offense is forgivable and the offender displays genuine remorse. Not everything is pardonable. Oftentimes, people should not try to forgive, but to move on, which is hard enough as it is.

I've seen idiotic TV shows on which the host will say, You should forgive your abusive mother/father/boyfriend/husband ... Unilateral forgiveness means nothing. It just gives you a false sense of control. Six months later, you wonder why you still are angry. It's because nothing has really changed.

MelanieAG05

I don't usually answer these sorts of posts however I gave some advice to my cousin recently on this subject........she got married 4 years ago and within 6 months of the wedding discovered her husband was sleeping with her matron of honour and had been doing so prior to the wedding. Now he won't give her a divorce as he doesn't believe he did anything wrong. Having moved on from the initial incident she has now gone back to square one and is really angry, upset, frustrated again by the whole thing. My advice to her is that she has spent enough negative energy on this man and he does not deserve one more nano-second of her thoughts as he is a waste of space. Sometimes it is not about forgiveness it is about changing your mindset. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wasting your energy/time/thoughts on such a bad person.......channel that energy into positive actions such as helping others in similar predicaments or setting and achieving some life goals.

Obviously I am writing this as I have no idea exactly what your situation is but I hope it helps along with other advice you've had here today............

Redladystl

Sounds like you may need to confront or have closure with that person.

ldrosophila

You have to let it go. Give it to God or whatever hight power you believe in. Forgiveness is for you so you can heal. The hurt can never be undone but you can heal. Those scars will remain and sometimes that pain comes back. Thats when you pray, scream and give it to God. Then you focus on what you are blessed with in your life. Even if its the smallest most meaninless thing focus on that gratitude and healing.

cblevitron

Empathy goes a long way in forgiveness. I am not a religious person by any stretch of the word, so when searching for the power to forgive I never once prayed. However, after years of abuse, then years filled with more than my fair share of anger, I put myself in my abusers shoes. I tried my damnedest to feel the way he felt and see things through his eyes. I remembered his struggles and saw through his eyes why he made the sick decisions he did. After recognizing the pain that drove him to abuse me, it made forgiving and letting go of my anger a lot easier.

Do I go around setting myself up to be hurt again? No. I certainly haven't forgotten what happened to me. Forgiving is not forgetting. It takes time and patience and a lot of empathy to forgive someone, and dwelling on what happened only makes it harder.

IrishDaveRed

There is too much going on inside your head. Meditation will help you clear your head and then you can decide from there what gets put back in.

You want these thoughts out of your head? Meditate.

annemckee

I am not religious at all so I do not believe anything is a matter of faith in a celestial being or any other manifestation of worshipee. However I do believe in forgiveness. As you say it's mainly for the forgiven because the person who has hurt him/her, in all likelihood, does not regret his/her actions, appear repentant or whatever. Therefore I think forgiving is internal and personal. Depending on the circumstances, the harmer need not ever know s/he has been forgiven. The ways, means etc therefore can only be found in yourself.

Laura_Suzie

Having a relationship with God sure helps.

When you are close with God and allow Him into your life, then you are able to fully feel God's love for you and in turn, feel His love for other people as well. It is hard to resent someone, when you know they are a Child of God and that God loves them unconditionally.

jennifer_417

YES, forgiveness is NOT for the OTHER person, it is for YOU, to give you a peace of mind, but HOW did you forgive? How did you forgive the person who you have wished the worst on or wanted to seek revenge on? The person who hurt your child, or killed a loved one.(or worse) HOW did you forgive? (And the response of "let it go" doesn't say much to me... unless you can explain HOW to let go.)
Hoping to get as many ideas as possible from other people. (I've read books, and theories and other things online, but I have reached the point of desperation and i just need as much input as possible from PEOPLE)

Forgiveness is nothing more than a consciou decision to not collect a debt. If a person hurts you, it's natural to feel like they "owe" you something. But forgiveness cancels that debt and allows God to deal with that person (and He will, one way or another, though probably not when and how we would always like.)

Feeling better about the situation or person is a different thing. Only God can really heal your heart of the hurt and anger, that's the mystery of forgiveness, that healing can't take place until after you forgive. So don't stress too much that you still have anger and hurt in your heart, just ask God to heal your heart.

As for "letting it go," I always hated that phrase, but I think that it just means to choose not to dwell on the offense, not to allow ourselves to obsess over and think and/or talk about in an unhealthy way. There is a place to talk about the hurt and anger, in order to get it out, but it easily crosses the line into rehearsing your hurt over and over again.

I've had to forgive some really, really awful things in my life, and believe me, it's HARD. But it can be done, and healing can come.

virichi08

Forgiveness is a nice concept, assuming the offense is forgivable and the offender displays genuine remorse. Not everything is pardonable. Oftentimes, people should not try to forgive, but to move on, which is hard enough as it is.

I've seen idiotic TV shows on which the host will say, You should forgive your abusive mother/father/boyfriend/husband ... Unilateral forgiveness means nothing. It just gives you a false sense of control. Six months later, you wonder why you still are angry. It's because nothing has really changed.

Hmmm, I'd like some more in site on your views of this.

virichi08

Empathy goes a long way in forgiveness. I am not a religious person by any stretch of the word, so when searching for the power to forgive I never once prayed. However, after years of abuse, then years filled with more than my fair share of anger, I put myself in my abusers shoes. I tried my damnedest to feel the way he felt and see things through his eyes. I remembered his struggles and saw through his eyes why he made the sick decisions he did. After recognizing the pain that drove him to abuse me, it made forgiving and letting go of my anger a lot easier.

Do I go around setting myself up to be hurt again? No. I certainly haven't forgotten what happened to me. Forgiving is not forgetting. It takes time and patience and a lot of empathy to forgive someone, and dwelling on what happened only makes it harder.

ALL I CAN SAY IS WOW....THAT HAD TO HAVE TAKEN A LOOT OF HEART TO DO. I have tried to do that once before and it only pissed me off even more. I really don't want to walk around being that angry or randomly "crazy" person who know one wants to hang around. But GOOD GOD, this is taking so much out of me. I WOULD MUCH RATHER BE SOME WHERE IN A FOX HOLE COLD AND HUNGRY... :explode:

Melolicious

How do you feel about the rest of your life? Are you happy or is whatever happened by that person tainting everything in your life?
Happiness is a conscious choice and comes from within and builds on your own inner thoughts and beliefs and things like forgiving/forgetting others becomes of less consequence. Google "Louise Hays, Heal Your Life", she has some very interesting ideas that you might find worth exploring.

virichi08

Having a relationship with God sure helps.

When you are close with God and allow Him into your life, then you are able to fully feel God's love for you and in turn, feel His love for other people as well. It is hard to resent someone, when you know they are a Child of God and that God loves them unconditionally.

I agree ---BUT...and this is a big but --- I am a (practicing) believer, and I find it extremely difficult to not get angry that this person could be forgiven by God for something so WRONG (to say the least) It's almost like telling a Holocaust Survivor to give Hiltler. Ugh, i just want to wake up in the morning with a loss of memory or something, If i were to ever walk in church and see this person in there, i would either call him out or make him as uncomfortable as possible or just not attend service that morning and or find somewhere else to go. Sounds harsh and is against what is the Word says, but it IS how I feel.