Forgiveness? How?
Replies
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Empathy goes a long way in forgiveness. I am not a religious person by any stretch of the word, so when searching for the power to forgive I never once prayed. However, after years of abuse, then years filled with more than my fair share of anger, I put myself in my abusers shoes. I tried my damnedest to feel the way he felt and see things through his eyes. I remembered his struggles and saw through his eyes why he made the sick decisions he did. After recognizing the pain that drove him to abuse me, it made forgiving and letting go of my anger a lot easier.
Do I go around setting myself up to be hurt again? No. I certainly haven't forgotten what happened to me. Forgiving is not forgetting. It takes time and patience and a lot of empathy to forgive someone, and dwelling on what happened only makes it harder.
ALL I CAN SAY IS WOW....THAT HAD TO HAVE TAKEN A LOOT OF HEART TO DO. I have tried to do that once before and it only pissed me off even more. I really don't want to walk around being that angry or randomly "crazy" person who know one wants to hang around. But GOOD GOD, this is taking so much out of me. I WOULD MUCH RATHER BE SOME WHERE IN A FOX HOLE COLD AND HUNGRY... :explode:
It certainly did, and it took a long time to do! My abuser being my brother probably made the empathy aspect easier. It took me years to be able to forgive him. But that's the only way I know how to do it!0 -
How do you feel about the rest of your life? Are you happy or is whatever happened by that person tainting everything in your life?
Happiness is a conscious choice and comes from within and builds on your own inner thoughts and beliefs and things like forgiving/forgetting others becomes of less consequence. Google "Louise Hays, Heal Your Life", she has some very interesting ideas that you might find worth exploring.
My life, well, it's honeslty getting better and better. but this situation is like a big mud blob on my beautiful white stress that I have tried to wash away, I use soap, I had wash it, i let someone else hand wash, and i eventually use bleach, but the it is still there. ANd thank you, I will look her up.0 -
Empathy goes a long way in forgiveness. I am not a religious person by any stretch of the word, so when searching for the power to forgive I never once prayed. However, after years of abuse, then years filled with more than my fair share of anger, I put myself in my abusers shoes. I tried my damnedest to feel the way he felt and see things through his eyes. I remembered his struggles and saw through his eyes why he made the sick decisions he did. After recognizing the pain that drove him to abuse me, it made forgiving and letting go of my anger a lot easier.
Do I go around setting myself up to be hurt again? No. I certainly haven't forgotten what happened to me. Forgiving is not forgetting. It takes time and patience and a lot of empathy to forgive someone, and dwelling on what happened only makes it harder.
ALL I CAN SAY IS WOW....THAT HAD TO HAVE TAKEN A LOOT OF HEART TO DO. I have tried to do that once before and it only pissed me off even more. I really don't want to walk around being that angry or randomly "crazy" person who know one wants to hang around. But GOOD GOD, this is taking so much out of me. I WOULD MUCH RATHER BE SOME WHERE IN A FOX HOLE COLD AND HUNGRY... :explode:
It certainly did, and it took a long time to do! My abuser being my brother probably made the empathy aspect easier. It took me years to be able to forgive him. But that's the only way I know how to do it!
Bless you heart. (Funny how different people are, the person being family makes it harder to forgive for me.... in my head it's like you are FAMILY, not some stranger on the street...you know. )0 -
How do you feel about the rest of your life? Are you happy or is whatever happened by that person tainting everything in your life?
Happiness is a conscious choice and comes from within and builds on your own inner thoughts and beliefs and things like forgiving/forgetting others becomes of less consequence. Google "Louise Hays, Heal Your Life", she has some very interesting ideas that you might find worth exploring.
My life, well, it's honeslty getting better and better. but this situation is like a big mud blob on my beautiful white dtress that I have tried to wash away, I use soap, I hand wash it, i let someone else hand wash, and i eventually use bleach, but the it is still there. And thank you, I will look her up.0 -
You said, "or worse." What is worse than someone killing a loved one?
My son was shot and killed three years ago. The shooter never needed my forgiveness. My son's father, whom I had hated for for over two decades didn't need my forgiveness. I tried, prayed, worked, wrote, talked, cried, begged, read everything on the topic of forgiveness in order to do it. I hated the father regardless of how hard I worked to move on. Nothing worked.
In the last year, I began working on meditation. I got better at it once I took up yoga, very basic yoga. A few months ago, a dear friend encouraged me to do MFP with her. As I became willing to let go of some of the weight, I realized I could let go of the hatred I had, too. Everything I learned has been necessary!
It's a matter of baby steps. Be kind to yourself. You are willing to work on it, that's a very good start. It's not magic. As you let go of your need to hang onto resentment and punish your Self, the anger will find a place and it won't eat you up. Someday, the peace you feel will become too valuable for the object of your resentment/hatred/anger. They aren't worth it. You will know the peace and you will find the way to maintain it.0 -
I struggle with mental illness personally, and I tend to make a LOT of mistakes, and I can (and will most likely do so again at some point in the future) offend people (or hurt feelings inadvertently). I always hate when it happens. It's embarrassing once I'm 'clear' thinking. I always try to make a point to apologize. To make it clear that what I said or did was out of line, and while it may have been the illness talking, it's still on me to apologize and take responsibility for my actions/words. I hope the others will forgive me, just as I'll always forgive them. Because of my personal experiences, and struggles, I tend to be more understanding of the human mind. The person who bashes me for being different may have some sort of issue themselves, that is yet undiagnosed, and therefore unresolved. Someone who abuses me, for no reason, OBVIOUSLY has something going on mentally/emotionally, and I feel for them. I avoid them, and hope they get the help they need. If people choose not to forgive me, that's a sad thing indeed, because I don't want that kind of power over their lives.
I have no religion to quote here, or deep philosophy. This is just a bashing together of my life experiences.
I was abused by my parents growing up, and looking back I realize they both had serious mental illnesses. My mother still mistreats me, but now I just pity her. I used to resent her. My experiences with mental health professionals has taught me to be a kinder person, a more understanding person, and a person who looks beyond actions/words.0 -
I don't know what you've gone through and I certainly don't want to belittle your situation, but know that you have my compassion. But as you've already said yourself, the only person your hurting by not forgiving is yourself and I belive you already know this. As for a solution, you'll never find a quick fix, here on this thread or anywhere else. It's a process. And I really don't know what the steps are.
The only bit of practical advice I can give you is to stop the obsessive thoughts that keep this person or event in your mind. As soon as you start thinking about this person, what this person did to you, or what the fall out has been, immediatly tell yourself "STOP". Don't let yourself dwell; insted focus your mind on something else, preferably something that makes you happy. This is not an easy thing to do and takes a lot of practice. At first it may take you a while to even realize that you are thinking about the person or event again. But over time, if you continue to interrupt these thoughts, it will become easier for you to choose to ignore them. I think then you have a much better chance of finding forgiveness.0 -
There is this whole theory that our emotions, while being important, are not necessarily who we are, and do not have to define us. I came to this idea on my own a couple of years ago, and it's still new to me and I don't have a technique... yet.
One book that I find very helpful is Reinventing Yourself by Steve Chandler.
I also think that maybe whatever technique you find appropriate, try it on other/smaller issues first, as the traumas you are referring to sound huge and require some preparation. The way one handles his/her emotions is a habit, or a skill, not genetics, so it comes with practice.
Also I agree that forgiving is not for the other person but for you, but disagree on the peace of mind part. Mind can be perfectly at peace, but with the underlying emotions unresolved, there'd still be a black hole draining energy and focus from you. So that's how i see it - forgiving is about fixing the energy leaks, putting your energy to better use, to your life, shifting focus from feeling the hurt (after giving yourself some time to feel it) back to life, and sunshine, and bright things. Much like recovering from illness, or overcoming grief.0 -
You said, "or worse." What is worse than someone killing a loved one?
My son was shot and killed three years ago. The shooter never needed my forgiveness. My son's father, whom I had hated for for over two decades didn't need my forgiveness. I tried, prayed, worked, wrote, talked, cried, begged, read everything on the topic of forgiveness in order to do it. I hated the father regardless of how hard I worked to move on. Nothing worked.
In the last year, I began working on meditation. I got better at it once I took up yoga, very basic yoga. A few months ago, a dear friend encouraged me to do MFP with her. As I became willing to let go of some of the weight, I realized I could let go of the hatred I had, too. Everything I learned has been necessary!
It's a matter of baby steps. Be kind to yourself. You are willing to work on it, that's a very good start. It's not magic. As you let go of your need to hang onto resentment and punish your Self, the anger will find a place and it won't eat you up. Someday, the peace you feel will become too valuable for the object of your resentment/hatred/anger. They aren't worth it. You will know the peace and you will find the way to maintain it.
Sorry about your son, and I wrote or worse because every now and then I'll watch some true horror story on the news or something and i find myself thinking that i'd rather just be dead. And thanks for the advice too0 -
That would be worse, wouldn't it? Your life is valuable. Way too valuable to be taken away from those you can help in ways you will never know. Hang on... sometimes, survival is the only thing we can muster and that's all right! This is a great topic you brought up. I wish we had a "Like" button! What you've shared and brought to the table from others has helped me tonight.
I don't mean to advise, just give experience, share strength and hope. As crappy as things seem, they can be better. Tonight, I told my husband I am the happiest I've ever been. I weigh 275#, down 15 so far. My mom is bat **** nuts and takes it out on me, abuse, neglect in my childhood, money is tight.. chronic pain, friends deserted me... blah blah and I lost my son. And I feel mostly happy. Crazy huh?
I really appreciate that you acknowledged my loss. That's very sweet of you. You'd be surprised at how many people ignore you when you are in pain. And here you go showing your kind heart even through your own pain. Wow!
But then, I bet you've known that? Personally, I think under my intense anger at my ex, I feel tremendous hurt. I was in pain and felt ignored and discounted. Food is a friend. Too bad, it's killing me?
And you know all of the same wisdom we've shared. I know you know. I hope most of all, no matter your weight, size, looks, health; you value you. You are worth learning new skills. You Are worth asking for help. You are worth the lifetime commitment to you. Take care of you.
It's a lifetime process and I have a strong feeling you are a quick learner. The answers will come because you are willing.
Love and light. We are in this together.0 -
Well I don't have anyone to forgive for what was taken from me, but I feel angry at the world for it because there is nobody else to blame. Maybe I'll forgive the world someday..
x 0 -
Having a relationship with God sure helps.
When you are close with God and allow Him into your life, then you are able to fully feel God's love for you and in turn, feel His love for other people as well. It is hard to resent someone, when you know they are a Child of God and that God loves them unconditionally.
No offence to you and your beliefs but you can't preach about gods or religion in here, you'll get the thread shut down if you do. God's not for everyone, not everybody is religious..
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I am not religious at all, nor am I an addict but as someone who has several family members heavily into AA I know and love this:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
I hope you find serenity.0 -
Miss Danni, you reminded me at one point someone told me, the best revenge is to live well. When I saw your counter and the numbers showing your determination, dedication and commitment, I thought, "She's Won!" Congratulations on your hard work!0
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Miss Danni, you reminded me at one point someone told me, the best revenge is to live well. When I saw your counter and the numbers showing your determination, dedication and commitment, I thought, "She's Won!" Congratulations on your hard work!
Thank you. You are right. All I can do is live the life I'm lucky enough to have
I'm so sorry about your son
x0 -
That would be worse, wouldn't it? Your life is valuable. Way too valuable to be taken away from those you can help in ways you will never know. Hang on... sometimes, survival is the only thing we can muster and that's all right! This is a great topic you brought up. I wish we had a "Like" button! What you've shared and brought to the table from others has helped me tonight.
I don't mean to advise, just give experience, share strength and hope. As crappy as things seem, they can be better. Tonight, I told my husband I am the happiest I've ever been. I weigh 275#, down 15 so far. My mom is bat **** nuts and takes it out on me, abuse, neglect in my childhood, money is tight.. chronic pain, friends deserted me... blah blah and I lost my son. And I feel mostly happy. Crazy huh?
I really appreciate that you acknowledged my loss. That's very sweet of you. You'd be surprised at how many people ignore you when you are in pain. And here you go showing your kind heart even through your own pain. Wow!
But then, I bet you've known that? Personally, I think under my intense anger at my ex, I feel tremendous hurt. I was in pain and felt ignored and discounted. Food is a friend. Too bad, it's killing me?
And you know all of the same wisdom we've shared. I know you know. I hope most of all, no matter your weight, size, looks, health; you value you. You are worth learning new skills. You Are worth asking for help. You are worth the lifetime commitment to you. Take care of you.
It's a lifetime process and I have a strong feeling you are a quick learner. The answers will come because you are willing.
Love and light. We are in this together.
I dont even know how to respond to this. To me soooo much was said...SO SO MUCH. I feel like i know you almost. (There was no way i couldnt acknowledge your son, i dont understand the pain of losing a loved child but i do understand the feeling of an extremely deep pain) :flowerforyou:
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i dont think its really about forgiveness...
in some cases things arent any actual actions which we can forgive for.
Its a matter of letting go of the blame, and to an extent pain, and just accepting things have happened. Its human nature to hold on to these.
Noone can tell you how to do any of this... its different for everyone. Some will find the answers in some sort of religion, some will be come religious as a last ditch hope to find those answers and move the blame to god , some will have to put themselves in the other persons shoes. Others will try to just forget. You just have to keep searching.
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I've kind of decided that forgiveness isn't a concept I can really relate to - to me it's a bit like saying "oh that's all right then". I've cut the offending persons out of my life, because I don't want their toxicity in it. I have spent time reflecting on their actions, because I don't believe that people are evil, but they can behave appalingly because they are selfish, damaged, addicted. Having some understanding of that helps me put their actions into some sort of framework or perspective. But the main thing I think is that if allow my life to be affected, then they've won. I can't control other people or events, but I can certainly work on rebuilding my life - it won't be the same, but it can still be very positive.0
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Thank for posting, your kindness and empathy really shines through.I struggle with mental illness personally, and I tend to make a LOT of mistakes, and I can (and will most likely do so again at some point in the future) offend people (or hurt feelings inadvertently). I always hate when it happens. It's embarrassing once I'm 'clear' thinking. I always try to make a point to apologize. To make it clear that what I said or did was out of line, and while it may have been the illness talking, it's still on me to apologize and take responsibility for my actions/words. I hope the others will forgive me, just as I'll always forgive them. Because of my personal experiences, and struggles, I tend to be more understanding of the human mind. The person who bashes me for being different may have some sort of issue themselves, that is yet undiagnosed, and therefore unresolved. Someone who abuses me, for no reason, OBVIOUSLY has something going on mentally/emotionally, and I feel for them. I avoid them, and hope they get the help they need. If people choose not to forgive me, that's a sad thing indeed, because I don't want that kind of power over their lives.
I have no religion to quote here, or deep philosophy. This is just a bashing together of my life experiences.
I was abused by my parents growing up, and looking back I realize they both had serious mental illnesses. My mother still mistreats me, but now I just pity her. I used to resent her. My experiences with mental health professionals has taught me to be a kinder person, a more understanding person, and a person who looks beyond actions/words.
You have given me an insight into how I believe someone I love thinks and it may just make it easier to accept when their illness is talking.0 -
It depends. Sometimes forgiveness is pointless. Some things can never be forgiven or forgotten.
I agree mate0 -
Pssssssst, I felt the same way V. I have good intuition. I believe your intention to find forgiveness indicates your kindness. The fast track is figuring out how to be kind to you. How you get there is your journey, as unique as you are.0
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Foregivness is not easy! That much I do know, but it needs to be done. Why? We need to foregive those that have hurt us because it will mend the relationships that we have with eachother. Jesus says to Love God first and than to love others as we love ourselves. We can not do this without foregiving those that have hurt us. I have hurt my wife on numerous occations with sin and she has always forgave me. It got to a point that she had her bags packed and ready to leave. It took that much for me to realize of what I was doing was wrong. Ever since that moment, I have given my life to Jesus Christ and have never looked back. Jesus gave his life for us to be clean of all sin. I must be able to return the favor!
Forgiving is not always easy, but it will always be the right thing to do. We are told to live a rightous life, and part of that is being able to forgive those that have sinned against us; just as jesus taught us to do. I suggest to you to pray for others and to keep a prayer journal. It helps to get this out of your system and to give all your burdens to God. Jesus says "Give me all your burdens and I will give you rest."
I hope this helps and God Bless.0 -
I am a firm believer in karma. So, for me forgiveness is usually simple. I just think, well I'd want to be forgiven.
There are TWO things in my life that took me a while to forgive but I did.0 -
I have been hearing these songs a lot lately... and I hope they encourage and help walk your heart through this challenging process, my sister.
http://youtu.be/h1Lu5udXEZI
and
http://youtu.be/hHcVTbyJqis
On a personal note, I am truly sorry that someone has hurt you so deeply. You are a beautiful and loving woman and it is obvious that you are hurting. I know you can overcome this... I just know it. Please know that this is a broken world we live in. You are not alone in pain. There are so many more that are hurting. Pain is meant to bind us and blind us to the love of others. When we are focused on our own pain, it is more difficult to see the pain of others and to assist them. It cripples us in a sense. Keeps us from being effective as humans. You are a compassionate person by nature... set yourself free today.. CHOOSE to forgive by CHOOSING to love the offending person... CHOOSE to bless them. CHOOSE to do the RIGHT thing when the wrong thing is so easy to do. In doing so, you will be walking straight into your own freedom and away from this pain that blinds and binds you now.
God Bless You and Pour His comfort over your life today!
Kimi0 -
No offence to you and your beliefs but you can't preach about gods or religion in here, you'll get the thread shut down if you do. God's not for everyone, not everybody is religious..
I didn't see any preaching, only advice from someone on how she is able to forgive.
OP- I'd love to answer this for you, as I'm sure many other Christians would too. Perhaps you can join one of the Christian groups and post this same topic there. I'm only suggesting this since you've commented that you are a believer. I think you'll get some great advice there, too.0 -
only through the blood of Christ is True forgiveness given but the devil likes to bring it back to your mind(you still holding on to that all the time ) and I try hard to say by the grace of God I am forgiven so I choose to forgive0
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I'm no expert on forgiving grievous acts, but I would say that seeing this person is a trigger for your emotions. Is it possible to structure your life so seeing him isn't possible? Time and distance may help you feel these emotions less intensely.
Many years ago, my father was dying and a man we knew hurt him deeply by pointing out his weakness and the future financial ruin of our family. It tortured my father, and he shook like a leaf and cried since it brought up his worst fears as a husband and father. It infuriated me that someone could kick a man when he was down. Of course, I know there are far worse things people can do to others. I suspect your loved one was victimized in the most wicked ways.
But, this man who wronged my father activated my protective instincts, and there was also a desire for karmic payback. He was mean and wicked, and preyed on the sick, old and dying all over town, and continued to do so. Eventually, the weasel developed a face cancer that required disfiguring surgery to treat. He died miserable. It may sound horrible, but I think his ugly death mirrored the ugliness of his soul. (Disclaimer: I know bad things happen to good people, and I'm not saying that people 'deserve' the bad things that happen to them.)
Since this happened, I have moved out of town. But when I think of him, I can still feel angry 40 years after the fact. But, I can put the anger aside more quickly and easily now all these many years later, and that I attribute to the passage of time. But, bear in mind, I am talking about a hurt that was much less severe than the one you suffered.0 -
only through the blood of Christ is True forgiveness given but the devil likes to bring it back to your mind(you still holding on to that all the time ) and I try hard to say by the grace of God I am forgiven so I choose to forgive
These words sound sincere, but require your particular mindset to appreciate. Is the OP a religious person? You might want to ask her before talking about it.0 -
The OP has already said she is.These words sound sincere, but require your particular mindset to appreciate. Is the OP a religious person? You might want to ask her before talking about it.0 -
I just had to say this, because it seems to be a common misconception. Forgiveness does NOT imply forgetting. I was very deeply hurt by my abuser when I was a child. I have forgiven him. In fact, I feel sorry for him. Would I let him back into my life? Would I let him babysit my children? Would I pretend it never happened? Would I trust him?
Absolutely NOT. Even if he came to me and said he was sorry, the most I would do is say, "Okay. Let's talk." If there was true remorse, if he genuinely was sorry, he would understand that although I have forgiven him, it would take a very long time, if ever, for me to trust him again.
So please, don't think that forgiveness means letting the person who hurt you "off the hook." It just means that the bitterness and the pain is not damaging you any more. After I began to forgive my abuser, I had a series of dreams about him. At first, in the dream, I was still afraid of him. But as the dreams progressed, I began to stand up to him, refusing to let him push me around. In the last dream that I ever had about him, I found him lying in the woods, badly injured and completely helpless. In my dream, I picked him up, brought him home and nursed him back to health. That was when I knew forgiveness was complete. He had no more power over me.0
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