Forgiveness? How?
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You have to let it go. Give it to God or whatever hight power you believe in. Forgiveness is for you so you can heal. The hurt can never be undone but you can heal. Those scars will remain and sometimes that pain comes back. Thats when you pray, scream and give it to God. Then you focus on what you are blessed with in your life. Even if its the smallest most meaninless thing focus on that gratitude and healing.0
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Empathy goes a long way in forgiveness. I am not a religious person by any stretch of the word, so when searching for the power to forgive I never once prayed. However, after years of abuse, then years filled with more than my fair share of anger, I put myself in my abusers shoes. I tried my damnedest to feel the way he felt and see things through his eyes. I remembered his struggles and saw through his eyes why he made the sick decisions he did. After recognizing the pain that drove him to abuse me, it made forgiving and letting go of my anger a lot easier.
Do I go around setting myself up to be hurt again? No. I certainly haven't forgotten what happened to me. Forgiving is not forgetting. It takes time and patience and a lot of empathy to forgive someone, and dwelling on what happened only makes it harder.0 -
There is too much going on inside your head. Meditation will help you clear your head and then you can decide from there what gets put back in.
You want these thoughts out of your head? Meditate.0 -
I am not religious at all so I do not believe anything is a matter of faith in a celestial being or any other manifestation of worshipee. However I do believe in forgiveness. As you say it's mainly for the forgiven because the person who has hurt him/her, in all likelihood, does not regret his/her actions, appear repentant or whatever. Therefore I think forgiving is internal and personal. Depending on the circumstances, the harmer need not ever know s/he has been forgiven. The ways, means etc therefore can only be found in yourself.0
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Having a relationship with God sure helps.
When you are close with God and allow Him into your life, then you are able to fully feel God's love for you and in turn, feel His love for other people as well. It is hard to resent someone, when you know they are a Child of God and that God loves them unconditionally.0 -
YES, forgiveness is NOT for the OTHER person, it is for YOU, to give you a peace of mind, but HOW did you forgive? How did you forgive the person who you have wished the worst on or wanted to seek revenge on? The person who hurt your child, or killed a loved one.(or worse) HOW did you forgive? (And the response of "let it go" doesn't say much to me... unless you can explain HOW to let go.)
Hoping to get as many ideas as possible from other people. (I've read books, and theories and other things online, but I have reached the point of desperation and i just need as much input as possible from PEOPLE)
Forgiveness is nothing more than a consciou decision to not collect a debt. If a person hurts you, it's natural to feel like they "owe" you something. But forgiveness cancels that debt and allows God to deal with that person (and He will, one way or another, though probably not when and how we would always like.)
Feeling better about the situation or person is a different thing. Only God can really heal your heart of the hurt and anger, that's the mystery of forgiveness, that healing can't take place until after you forgive. So don't stress too much that you still have anger and hurt in your heart, just ask God to heal your heart.
As for "letting it go," I always hated that phrase, but I think that it just means to choose not to dwell on the offense, not to allow ourselves to obsess over and think and/or talk about in an unhealthy way. There is a place to talk about the hurt and anger, in order to get it out, but it easily crosses the line into rehearsing your hurt over and over again.
I've had to forgive some really, really awful things in my life, and believe me, it's HARD. But it can be done, and healing can come.0 -
Forgiveness is a nice concept, assuming the offense is forgivable and the offender displays genuine remorse. Not everything is pardonable. Oftentimes, people should not try to forgive, but to move on, which is hard enough as it is.
I've seen idiotic TV shows on which the host will say, You should forgive your abusive mother/father/boyfriend/husband ... Unilateral forgiveness means nothing. It just gives you a false sense of control. Six months later, you wonder why you still are angry. It's because nothing has really changed.
Hmmm, I'd like some more in site on your views of this.0 -
Empathy goes a long way in forgiveness. I am not a religious person by any stretch of the word, so when searching for the power to forgive I never once prayed. However, after years of abuse, then years filled with more than my fair share of anger, I put myself in my abusers shoes. I tried my damnedest to feel the way he felt and see things through his eyes. I remembered his struggles and saw through his eyes why he made the sick decisions he did. After recognizing the pain that drove him to abuse me, it made forgiving and letting go of my anger a lot easier.
Do I go around setting myself up to be hurt again? No. I certainly haven't forgotten what happened to me. Forgiving is not forgetting. It takes time and patience and a lot of empathy to forgive someone, and dwelling on what happened only makes it harder.
ALL I CAN SAY IS WOW....THAT HAD TO HAVE TAKEN A LOOT OF HEART TO DO. I have tried to do that once before and it only pissed me off even more. I really don't want to walk around being that angry or randomly "crazy" person who know one wants to hang around. But GOOD GOD, this is taking so much out of me. I WOULD MUCH RATHER BE SOME WHERE IN A FOX HOLE COLD AND HUNGRY... :explode:0 -
How do you feel about the rest of your life? Are you happy or is whatever happened by that person tainting everything in your life?
Happiness is a conscious choice and comes from within and builds on your own inner thoughts and beliefs and things like forgiving/forgetting others becomes of less consequence. Google "Louise Hays, Heal Your Life", she has some very interesting ideas that you might find worth exploring.0 -
Having a relationship with God sure helps.
When you are close with God and allow Him into your life, then you are able to fully feel God's love for you and in turn, feel His love for other people as well. It is hard to resent someone, when you know they are a Child of God and that God loves them unconditionally.
I agree ---BUT...and this is a big but --- I am a (practicing) believer, and I find it extremely difficult to not get angry that this person could be forgiven by God for something so WRONG (to say the least) It's almost like telling a Holocaust Survivor to give Hiltler. Ugh, i just want to wake up in the morning with a loss of memory or something, If i were to ever walk in church and see this person in there, i would either call him out or make him as uncomfortable as possible or just not attend service that morning and or find somewhere else to go. Sounds harsh and is against what is the Word says, but it IS how I feel.0 -
Empathy goes a long way in forgiveness. I am not a religious person by any stretch of the word, so when searching for the power to forgive I never once prayed. However, after years of abuse, then years filled with more than my fair share of anger, I put myself in my abusers shoes. I tried my damnedest to feel the way he felt and see things through his eyes. I remembered his struggles and saw through his eyes why he made the sick decisions he did. After recognizing the pain that drove him to abuse me, it made forgiving and letting go of my anger a lot easier.
Do I go around setting myself up to be hurt again? No. I certainly haven't forgotten what happened to me. Forgiving is not forgetting. It takes time and patience and a lot of empathy to forgive someone, and dwelling on what happened only makes it harder.
ALL I CAN SAY IS WOW....THAT HAD TO HAVE TAKEN A LOOT OF HEART TO DO. I have tried to do that once before and it only pissed me off even more. I really don't want to walk around being that angry or randomly "crazy" person who know one wants to hang around. But GOOD GOD, this is taking so much out of me. I WOULD MUCH RATHER BE SOME WHERE IN A FOX HOLE COLD AND HUNGRY... :explode:
It certainly did, and it took a long time to do! My abuser being my brother probably made the empathy aspect easier. It took me years to be able to forgive him. But that's the only way I know how to do it!0 -
How do you feel about the rest of your life? Are you happy or is whatever happened by that person tainting everything in your life?
Happiness is a conscious choice and comes from within and builds on your own inner thoughts and beliefs and things like forgiving/forgetting others becomes of less consequence. Google "Louise Hays, Heal Your Life", she has some very interesting ideas that you might find worth exploring.
My life, well, it's honeslty getting better and better. but this situation is like a big mud blob on my beautiful white stress that I have tried to wash away, I use soap, I had wash it, i let someone else hand wash, and i eventually use bleach, but the it is still there. ANd thank you, I will look her up.0 -
Empathy goes a long way in forgiveness. I am not a religious person by any stretch of the word, so when searching for the power to forgive I never once prayed. However, after years of abuse, then years filled with more than my fair share of anger, I put myself in my abusers shoes. I tried my damnedest to feel the way he felt and see things through his eyes. I remembered his struggles and saw through his eyes why he made the sick decisions he did. After recognizing the pain that drove him to abuse me, it made forgiving and letting go of my anger a lot easier.
Do I go around setting myself up to be hurt again? No. I certainly haven't forgotten what happened to me. Forgiving is not forgetting. It takes time and patience and a lot of empathy to forgive someone, and dwelling on what happened only makes it harder.
ALL I CAN SAY IS WOW....THAT HAD TO HAVE TAKEN A LOOT OF HEART TO DO. I have tried to do that once before and it only pissed me off even more. I really don't want to walk around being that angry or randomly "crazy" person who know one wants to hang around. But GOOD GOD, this is taking so much out of me. I WOULD MUCH RATHER BE SOME WHERE IN A FOX HOLE COLD AND HUNGRY... :explode:
It certainly did, and it took a long time to do! My abuser being my brother probably made the empathy aspect easier. It took me years to be able to forgive him. But that's the only way I know how to do it!
Bless you heart. (Funny how different people are, the person being family makes it harder to forgive for me.... in my head it's like you are FAMILY, not some stranger on the street...you know. )0 -
How do you feel about the rest of your life? Are you happy or is whatever happened by that person tainting everything in your life?
Happiness is a conscious choice and comes from within and builds on your own inner thoughts and beliefs and things like forgiving/forgetting others becomes of less consequence. Google "Louise Hays, Heal Your Life", she has some very interesting ideas that you might find worth exploring.
My life, well, it's honeslty getting better and better. but this situation is like a big mud blob on my beautiful white dtress that I have tried to wash away, I use soap, I hand wash it, i let someone else hand wash, and i eventually use bleach, but the it is still there. And thank you, I will look her up.0 -
You said, "or worse." What is worse than someone killing a loved one?
My son was shot and killed three years ago. The shooter never needed my forgiveness. My son's father, whom I had hated for for over two decades didn't need my forgiveness. I tried, prayed, worked, wrote, talked, cried, begged, read everything on the topic of forgiveness in order to do it. I hated the father regardless of how hard I worked to move on. Nothing worked.
In the last year, I began working on meditation. I got better at it once I took up yoga, very basic yoga. A few months ago, a dear friend encouraged me to do MFP with her. As I became willing to let go of some of the weight, I realized I could let go of the hatred I had, too. Everything I learned has been necessary!
It's a matter of baby steps. Be kind to yourself. You are willing to work on it, that's a very good start. It's not magic. As you let go of your need to hang onto resentment and punish your Self, the anger will find a place and it won't eat you up. Someday, the peace you feel will become too valuable for the object of your resentment/hatred/anger. They aren't worth it. You will know the peace and you will find the way to maintain it.0 -
I struggle with mental illness personally, and I tend to make a LOT of mistakes, and I can (and will most likely do so again at some point in the future) offend people (or hurt feelings inadvertently). I always hate when it happens. It's embarrassing once I'm 'clear' thinking. I always try to make a point to apologize. To make it clear that what I said or did was out of line, and while it may have been the illness talking, it's still on me to apologize and take responsibility for my actions/words. I hope the others will forgive me, just as I'll always forgive them. Because of my personal experiences, and struggles, I tend to be more understanding of the human mind. The person who bashes me for being different may have some sort of issue themselves, that is yet undiagnosed, and therefore unresolved. Someone who abuses me, for no reason, OBVIOUSLY has something going on mentally/emotionally, and I feel for them. I avoid them, and hope they get the help they need. If people choose not to forgive me, that's a sad thing indeed, because I don't want that kind of power over their lives.
I have no religion to quote here, or deep philosophy. This is just a bashing together of my life experiences.
I was abused by my parents growing up, and looking back I realize they both had serious mental illnesses. My mother still mistreats me, but now I just pity her. I used to resent her. My experiences with mental health professionals has taught me to be a kinder person, a more understanding person, and a person who looks beyond actions/words.0 -
I don't know what you've gone through and I certainly don't want to belittle your situation, but know that you have my compassion. But as you've already said yourself, the only person your hurting by not forgiving is yourself and I belive you already know this. As for a solution, you'll never find a quick fix, here on this thread or anywhere else. It's a process. And I really don't know what the steps are.
The only bit of practical advice I can give you is to stop the obsessive thoughts that keep this person or event in your mind. As soon as you start thinking about this person, what this person did to you, or what the fall out has been, immediatly tell yourself "STOP". Don't let yourself dwell; insted focus your mind on something else, preferably something that makes you happy. This is not an easy thing to do and takes a lot of practice. At first it may take you a while to even realize that you are thinking about the person or event again. But over time, if you continue to interrupt these thoughts, it will become easier for you to choose to ignore them. I think then you have a much better chance of finding forgiveness.0 -
There is this whole theory that our emotions, while being important, are not necessarily who we are, and do not have to define us. I came to this idea on my own a couple of years ago, and it's still new to me and I don't have a technique... yet.
One book that I find very helpful is Reinventing Yourself by Steve Chandler.
I also think that maybe whatever technique you find appropriate, try it on other/smaller issues first, as the traumas you are referring to sound huge and require some preparation. The way one handles his/her emotions is a habit, or a skill, not genetics, so it comes with practice.
Also I agree that forgiving is not for the other person but for you, but disagree on the peace of mind part. Mind can be perfectly at peace, but with the underlying emotions unresolved, there'd still be a black hole draining energy and focus from you. So that's how i see it - forgiving is about fixing the energy leaks, putting your energy to better use, to your life, shifting focus from feeling the hurt (after giving yourself some time to feel it) back to life, and sunshine, and bright things. Much like recovering from illness, or overcoming grief.0 -
You said, "or worse." What is worse than someone killing a loved one?
My son was shot and killed three years ago. The shooter never needed my forgiveness. My son's father, whom I had hated for for over two decades didn't need my forgiveness. I tried, prayed, worked, wrote, talked, cried, begged, read everything on the topic of forgiveness in order to do it. I hated the father regardless of how hard I worked to move on. Nothing worked.
In the last year, I began working on meditation. I got better at it once I took up yoga, very basic yoga. A few months ago, a dear friend encouraged me to do MFP with her. As I became willing to let go of some of the weight, I realized I could let go of the hatred I had, too. Everything I learned has been necessary!
It's a matter of baby steps. Be kind to yourself. You are willing to work on it, that's a very good start. It's not magic. As you let go of your need to hang onto resentment and punish your Self, the anger will find a place and it won't eat you up. Someday, the peace you feel will become too valuable for the object of your resentment/hatred/anger. They aren't worth it. You will know the peace and you will find the way to maintain it.
Sorry about your son, and I wrote or worse because every now and then I'll watch some true horror story on the news or something and i find myself thinking that i'd rather just be dead. And thanks for the advice too0 -
That would be worse, wouldn't it? Your life is valuable. Way too valuable to be taken away from those you can help in ways you will never know. Hang on... sometimes, survival is the only thing we can muster and that's all right! This is a great topic you brought up. I wish we had a "Like" button! What you've shared and brought to the table from others has helped me tonight.
I don't mean to advise, just give experience, share strength and hope. As crappy as things seem, they can be better. Tonight, I told my husband I am the happiest I've ever been. I weigh 275#, down 15 so far. My mom is bat **** nuts and takes it out on me, abuse, neglect in my childhood, money is tight.. chronic pain, friends deserted me... blah blah and I lost my son. And I feel mostly happy. Crazy huh?
I really appreciate that you acknowledged my loss. That's very sweet of you. You'd be surprised at how many people ignore you when you are in pain. And here you go showing your kind heart even through your own pain. Wow!
But then, I bet you've known that? Personally, I think under my intense anger at my ex, I feel tremendous hurt. I was in pain and felt ignored and discounted. Food is a friend. Too bad, it's killing me?
And you know all of the same wisdom we've shared. I know you know. I hope most of all, no matter your weight, size, looks, health; you value you. You are worth learning new skills. You Are worth asking for help. You are worth the lifetime commitment to you. Take care of you.
It's a lifetime process and I have a strong feeling you are a quick learner. The answers will come because you are willing.
Love and light. We are in this together.0
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