Forgiveness? How?

_VoV

These words sound sincere, but require your particular mindset to appreciate. Is the OP a religious person? You might want to ask her before talking about it.

The OP has already said she is.

I missed that, but I agree with you that discussing Christian themes is better done on a private forum. I base this on having witnessed some serious derailing of threads of this nature. And, the OP is bringing up a sensitive, heartfelt problem that needs to stay on track without any shenanigans.

PittShkr

ThePokemonMaster

I once dated a guy who cheated on me with four different women during a relationship. We we had spent three years in an off and on again relationship. He decided to break up with me after the fourth one because the guilt was eating him up. However, when I found out I had never been angrier or hated anyone more in my entire life. I am a Christian, so I tried my hardest to forgive him, the anger was tearing me up inside also. I still had feelings for him and seeing him either in person or even online would make me physically ill. I had the strong urge to punch him whenever he walked past me. We ignored each other for a good year and ten months.

After a while I started to become especially tired from all the hurt hating him was causing me. He was once the closest person to me! I prayed for months because I had the feeling I should just talk to him. Nothing else telling me what to say- just giving me the feeling I should talk to him (which made me even MORE sick to my stomach as an introvert). But in April this year I sent him a message just saying "Hey, how are you?"

Now I know that doesn't say how I forgave him. I still am not sure how I did... but when I decided to be the bigger person and end our silence to each other I felt a HUGE weight lift off my chest. I let myself enjoy the conversation and I decided that talking about the past was NOT going to be part of this "new" friendship. We basically "reintroduced" ourselves to each other because a year and ten months gave us time to grow and learn how to be even better people.

We eventually did talk about all the hurt that was caused in our relationship, but only when we were ready and had built a good foundation for our new friendship. I have never been happier with a decision in my life!

Basically- it takes time, a lot of prayer, and no... it doesn't always end in you having to talk to the person who hurt you but it can if you think it will help. I hope my post helps at least a little bit!

mfpcopine

No offence to you and your beliefs but you can't preach about gods or religion in here, you'll get the thread shut down if you do. God's not for everyone, not everybody is religious..

Amen to that, said the Agnostic/Atheist.

TheCaren

Forgiveness for me isn't about forgetting the hurt and pretending all is well. For me, it's just about letting go of the anger. To forgive someone doesn't mean you have to continue allowing that person into your life and give them another shot at hurting you either. That's the part that took me a long time to understand. I still acknowledge that the wound has occurred. I just choose to stop bleeding from it, if that makes any sense. I've heard this quote attributed to a number of sources, but Nelson Mandela once said "resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die". Not forgiving leads to that resentment. And like another poster said above, it's like allowing someone who hurt you to live rent free in your head.

HiKaren

The only bit of practical advice I can give you is to stop the obsessive thoughts that keep this person or event in your mind. As soon as you start thinking about this person, what this person did to you, or what the fall out has been, immediatly tell yourself "STOP". Don't let yourself dwell; insted focus your mind on something else, preferably something that makes you happy. This is not an easy thing to do and takes a lot of practice. At first it may take you a while to even realize that you are thinking about the person or event again. But over time, if you continue to interrupt these thoughts, it will become easier for you to choose to ignore them. I think then you have a much better chance of finding forgiveness.

^This ^

This is what I do... Don't let myself dwell everyday, for what had been done to me. Focus on the positives. If you spend each day thinking about what that person did to you, you allow yourself to continue to be a victim. It takes your day, your soul everyday. Don't let them rob you of your days, of your life.... Don't allow that.

One thing someone taught me...
1- The Thought, 2- The Feeling, 3- The Action.....

If you stop at #1, when you first have the thought, and think of something good or productive instead, then you wont feel like ****, and take the wrong action as a result... I've practiced this over and over. Everytime I think of the criminal who tried to ruin my life, and take my life, at the age of 6 years old. When I was 16, I comfronted this person, and thought I could forgive. I said the words "I forgive you" But....... to this day, when I hear of other victims of the same kind of crime, I think "I'm going to kill that person" They better not be within my sights... Beware of Karen... Thats when I #1 "Change my thought" before the feeling gets too intense, and possibly take the wrong action. Like eat too much, and be sick. Getting fairly good at this now. Still not sure if I fully forgive, even though I said I did. But the more and more I live my life happy, I am free of the pain caused by the criminal. If its absolutely essential that you completely forgive, I would say pray about this.. But those are skills you can try, while your in the process of forgiving.