Should I wait?
I am 30 and divorced. I didn't think I would want to marry again, but I met someone that is a great match and can see it, even though I am still mildly terrified of marriage.
He, however, says he is completely committed to me in every way and thinks that dating for 5 years is not long enough of a time to be thinking about getting married. Maybe 7 or 10 years. At that point I will be almost 40 and having a family will be pretty much a pipe dream. He told me last night that 1. I'm not committed enough because when he tells me I am not committed enough, I try to defend myself (it really is hurtful to be told that) and 2. He never ever wants a kid ever and he will not budge on this issue ever and 3. He wants to marry me and only me. If we don't get married he probably would never get married.
He has said that our relationship lacks communication skills, but we talk about every little (and big) thing constantly. It's a constant analyzation of what we're doing and how it could be improved.
It seems to me that he is all over the board with this one. Do I give in and wait, because I do love him and we do have a really great partnership and if I feel this way, I would be kind ebough to wait until he is ready. Or do I re-evaluate the thought of having a family and if it is really what I want for my life and possibly part ways?
He, however, says he is completely committed to me in every way and thinks that dating for 5 years is not long enough of a time to be thinking about getting married. Maybe 7 or 10 years. At that point I will be almost 40 and having a family will be pretty much a pipe dream. He told me last night that 1. I'm not committed enough because when he tells me I am not committed enough, I try to defend myself (it really is hurtful to be told that) and 2. He never ever wants a kid ever and he will not budge on this issue ever and 3. He wants to marry me and only me. If we don't get married he probably would never get married.
He has said that our relationship lacks communication skills, but we talk about every little (and big) thing constantly. It's a constant analyzation of what we're doing and how it could be improved.
It seems to me that he is all over the board with this one. Do I give in and wait, because I do love him and we do have a really great partnership and if I feel this way, I would be kind ebough to wait until he is ready. Or do I re-evaluate the thought of having a family and if it is really what I want for my life and possibly part ways?
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Replies
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I am 30 and divorced. I didn't think I would want to marry again, but I met someone that is a great match and can see it, even though I am still mildly terrified of marriage.
He, however, says he is completely committed to me in every way and thinks that dating for 5 years is not long enough of a time to be thinking about getting married. Maybe 7 or 10 years. At that point I will be almost 40 and having a family will be pretty much a pipe dream. He told me last night that 1. I'm not committed enough because when he tells me I am not committed enough, I try to defend myself (it really is hurtful to be told that) and 2. He never ever wants a kid ever and he will not budge on this issue ever and 3. He wants to marry me and only me. If we don't get married he probably would never get married.
He has said that our relationship lacks communication skills, but we talk about every little (and big) thing constantly. It's a constant analyzation of what we're doing and how it could be improved.
It seems to me that he is all over the board with this one. Do I give in and wait, because I do love him and we do have a really great partnership and if I feel this way, I would be kind ebough to wait until he is ready. Or do I re-evaluate the thought of having a family and if it is really what I want for my life and possibly part ways?
He doesn't want a child but you want one?
Two words:
Move on.
If you want a child/family, you do not have to re-evaluate for some man.0 -
I am 30 and divorced. I didn't think I would want to marry again, but I met someone that is a great match and can see it, even though I am still mildly terrified of marriage.
He, however, says he is completely committed to me in every way and thinks that dating for 5 years is not long enough of a time to be thinking about getting married. Maybe 7 or 10 years. At that point I will be almost 40 and having a family will be pretty much a pipe dream. He told me last night that 1. I'm not committed enough because when he tells me I am not committed enough, I try to defend myself (it really is hurtful to be told that) and 2. He never ever wants a kid ever and he will not budge on this issue ever and 3. He wants to marry me and only me. If we don't get married he probably would never get married.
He has said that our relationship lacks communication skills, but we talk about every little (and big) thing constantly. It's a constant analyzation of what we're doing and how it could be improved.
It seems to me that he is all over the board with this one. Do I give in and wait, because I do love him and we do have a really great partnership and if I feel this way, I would be kind ebough to wait until he is ready. Or do I re-evaluate the thought of having a family and if it is really what I want for my life and possibly part ways?
He doesn't want a child but you want one?
Two words:
Move on.
If you want a child/family, you do not have to re-evaluate for some man.
THIS.0 -
If five years isn't long enough for him, he has committment issues or else he really is just not that into you and he'll marry the next woman he dates. He's probably never going to marry you. Sorry to be so blunt, but that's what it sounds like.0
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I am 30 and divorced. I didn't think I would want to marry again, but I met someone that is a great match and can see it, even though I am still mildly terrified of marriage.
He, however, says he is completely committed to me in every way and thinks that dating for 5 years is not long enough of a time to be thinking about getting married. Maybe 7 or 10 years. At that point I will be almost 40 and having a family will be pretty much a pipe dream. He told me last night that 1. I'm not committed enough because when he tells me I am not committed enough, I try to defend myself (it really is hurtful to be told that) and 2. He never ever wants a kid ever and he will not budge on this issue ever and 3. He wants to marry me and only me. If we don't get married he probably would never get married.
He has said that our relationship lacks communication skills, but we talk about every little (and big) thing constantly. It's a constant analyzation of what we're doing and how it could be improved.
It seems to me that he is all over the board with this one. Do I give in and wait, because I do love him and we do have a really great partnership and if I feel this way, I would be kind ebough to wait until he is ready. Or do I re-evaluate the thought of having a family and if it is really what I want for my life and possibly part ways?
He doesn't want a child but you want one?
Two words:
Move on.
If you want a child/family, you do not have to re-evaluate for some man.
Wise words..0 -
He said he never wants kids. You do. When people tell you who they are, you should believe them.0
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Yeah, I'll go anti culture and say had my wife stated she never wanted kids, that would have been a deal breaker for us.0
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Move on.0
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He said he never wants kids. You do. When people tell you who they are, you should believe them.
YES. He told you point blank. You won't change his mind.0 -
He said he never wants kids. You do. When people tell you who they are, you should believe them.
So true. I have had too many friends think a man would "change" or "change his mind" for them. He said it. Believe him. And find someone who wants what you want. Don't sell yourself short on your core values!0 -
You want kids. He doesn't.
People don't change things like that. Move on.0 -
He doesn't want a child but you want one?
Two words:
Move on.
If you want a child/family, you do not have to re-evaluate for some man.
That's the first thing that jumped out to me as well. Don't settle for him since it means you won't get what you want0 -
Leave0
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After five years he should be ready to marry you. Don't settle. If you want a child, move on. Someone better is waiting on the horizon for you
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dtmfa0
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7 to 10 years before someone knows if they want to get married? Seriously?!? Yea, not sure it should take that long. Plus, you want kids, he doesn't. Seems to me like you have the answer, but want someone else to give it to you.0
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Sorry if I've misread this but it sounds like he's throwing some mixed messages at you. "You're the only one I want" but "not right now." That's hurtful. And then for him to tell you that you're the one who's not committed? That sounds like he's being emotionally manipulative, making you feel guilty for wanting something - like if you behave yourself (i.e. act more committed) then he'll reward you (i.e. marry you). Let him go figure out his head and you keep pursuing your dream - a family.0
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He want's to date for 10 years, but thinks YOU have commitment issues? Dump him. Especially with the kids issue. Not worth your time.
The happiest married couple I know is my parents, after 25 years, they dated for 6 weeks before becoming engaged, and were only engaged 9 months. If it takes 10 years to know, you'll never be sure.0 -
5 years is not enough???? he doesn't want kids?? you do, i say move on sister............. Do not compromise what you want for a man, i understand you love him, but think of it this way, in 2 to 4 years you will be 40 or so, and that is going to happen with or without him, but with him you have no chance of what YOU want a child. Think of yourself and your needs, sounds to me that you are willing to compromise your dreams for a man who isn't willing to compromise for you!!! Good luck.....0
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Sounds like you have different values and different definitions for "communication". It's likely you would also have very different expectations for your marriage. Don't waste your time trying to convince him to accept your values. Move on.0
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Agree with everyone else. If you really want a child and will be unfulfilled without one then move on. Dont waste your time trying to change something that may never change. He seems pretty wishy washy to me.0
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#1 is confusing... Why aren't you allowed to defend yourself sounds like mind games, he is the one who isn't committed enough. In the nicest way possible... Your getting older and can't wait around forever. For me the kids vs no kids scenario is probably the biggest deal breaker in a relationship. Certainly not something you can compromise on, as it'll only cause resentment.. Sounds like he has big issues.
I would have said counselling, but with the kids issue and you wanting one, I doubt this relationship is right for you... You know him best. You have to make your own mind up...
I should listen to a lot of my own a advice! Lol.
Zara x0 -
Sounds like he knows a lot about what he DOESN'T want, and very little about what he DOES want.
If he thinks that the difference between 5 years and 7 years will mean he has his life figured out, he's not only lying to you, he's lying to himself.
This guy might be really nice to you and great in many ways. For a woman who is almost 40, he's a bad investment and if you give him 7 years of your life, you'll regret it when your life is no further along than it is now.0 -
I would normally say that time could change his mind about kids. I dated a man after my divorce that had never wanted kids. After spending time with my kids, he realized that it was really a subconcious fear of being a bad father. When he realized that he was great with kids, his mindset changed. We actually broke up in the end because he decided he wanted kids (and I can't have any).
HOWEVER, your boyfriend sounds very controlling in his behavior, in that everything has to go according to his timeline, the way he treats your feelings and his way or the highway. I would say it's time to go. There are better fish in the sea.0 -
I read a lot big things that say you aren't a 'great match' for each other. If you want marriage and kids...he doesn't, that's big. If he says there are communication problems, then maybe there is more he hasn't said or he feels that you haven't heard what he is saying. In the end YOU have to decide what will make you happy and what things YOU can live with.0
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I should listen to a lot of my own a advice! Lol.
Zara x
lol, I probably should, too....0 -
Don't ever give up on what you want for another human being because in the end, you will regret it. That's with anything, a career, a child, a dream. So many marriages don't work out today because we settle and hope that we can convince or change the person into being or wanting what it is we want. If a person respects you enough to be up front and tell you their expections and want you to respect it, Why in the heck shouldn't you have your expections in the relationship respected. Him not wanting a child and you wanting a child is a HUGE issue!!0
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I agree with everyone else... This is a no-brainer. If you are asking US, you probably already KNOW what you need to do, and are just looking for that last push in the right direction.0
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He said he never wants kids. You do. When people tell you who they are, you should believe them.
This. Sorry.0 -
I am 30 and divorced. I didn't think I would want to marry again, but I met someone that is a great match and can see it, even though I am still mildly terrified of marriage.
He, however, says he is completely committed to me in every way and thinks that dating for 5 years is not long enough of a time to be thinking about getting married. Maybe 7 or 10 years. At that point I will be almost 40 and having a family will be pretty much a pipe dream. He told me last night that 1. I'm not committed enough because when he tells me I am not committed enough, I try to defend myself (it really is hurtful to be told that) and 2. He never ever wants a kid ever and he will not budge on this issue ever and 3. He wants to marry me and only me. If we don't get married he probably would never get married.
He has said that our relationship lacks communication skills, but we talk about every little (and big) thing constantly. It's a constant analyzation of what we're doing and how it could be improved.
It seems to me that he is all over the board with this one. Do I give in and wait, because I do love him and we do have a really great partnership and if I feel this way, I would be kind ebough to wait until he is ready. Or do I re-evaluate the thought of having a family and if it is really what I want for my life and possibly part ways?
I can't see your profile......I need to see pictures of you before advising whether to wait or settle (i mean marry).0 -
Just break up.0
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