Should I wait?
Replies
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My best friend told her, then boy friend, she NEVER wanted kids. Period. End of sentence. He figured she'd change her mind in a few years. Well, 13 years later. . no babies, but one somewhat bitter dude.
If he can't commit within 5 years.. . .move on. (I was divorced at 31, remarried to someone I'd met after my divorce by 32 and we're crazy happy.)
If he doesn't want kids. . .believe him. If you do. . .move on.
Harsh, but true. You don't want to be 40, childless, and unmarried to a dude who decides he needs another 5 or 10 years to commit.0 -
I agree with most. You said he's a match but I think if you retread what you posted you would see that that doesn't sound like a match. I don't think 5 years as to short of a time either. I don't think it's too long either but definitely not to short. Its hard to forget about all the good stuff and it's scary for some people to be alone but you are only 30. It's time to start new with a real match
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You really need to decide of the kid thing is a sticking point. For me, it was. I made it clear from the beginning of our relationship that I wanted a family. My husband didn't. I told him that if there's one thing that will break us up, it's this. I am having kids, whether its with him or someone else. We now have 2 beautiful children and he's the BEST father in the world!
But if you're waffling on the idea, he might be good for you. You need to reach down deep and decide what you REALLY want and don't waver. If he REALLY loves you that much, he'll at least consider your feelings on the subject.0 -
I'd have to say that after reading the original post here that the answer is in the question. If you have to ask... you should probably move on and let Mr. My-Way-or-the-Highway find someone else to manipulate into giving him exactly what he wants. Don't let your divorce define you. I'm 30 years old and married for the 2nd time so I can say from experience that there are an awful lot of guys out there that really want you to believe that you're damaged goods for being divorced already when the truth is that life just isn't that cut and dry and you're probably divorced at a young age for a good reason.0
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The kids issues is enough, but what really raised red flags for me is that he won't let you respond to what he says without turning it back on you to say you "are not committed enough."
False. That's a classic example of "crazymaking" behavior, which confuses you and makes you feel defensive, instead of allowing you to speak your mind. It's a form of abuse, and can't be taken lightly because it eventually makes you doubt your own mind.
He is right about one thing, you have communication issues: he won't let you communicate. Sounds a lot like an ex of mine, and let me tell you that was NOT a good partnership. He sounds extremely controlling.
Don't let him guilt you into waiting. If he doesn't marry you and he doesn't marry anyone else, that is NOT your fault. You can only be responsible for your happiness. If your happiness includes marriage, a child, and a partner who listens to you, move on.0 -
Relationships are tough. I went through a similar situation. However, as much as it stinks, nobody can make that decision except you. You are the only person who is close enough to the situation to know exactly what you are going through and what you should do. Most likely, you've already made up your mind and are simply looking to others for support. Maybe you don't need to ask a question, just tell your tale...0
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I would never date someone for 5 years and still not be married.. he's never going to commit. Confirmed Bachelor. Move on.0
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If you want a child, this will not change, and you WILL regret it if you don't pursue that dream. I know where I speak of, I didn't have children until I was 39 and 41. And it is the best part of my life. Really guys like that are a dime a dozen. He is whacked and all over the board. Do yourself a favor and don't compromise on this, you will regret it in a way that will leave a hole in your heart forever.
And you don't have to be married to have children...personally I wish I had visited a sperm bank. The kids were and are worth it, the husband never was... <==== happily divorced and staying that way.
The guy sounds like a controlling *kitten* to me. Sorry to be rude, but he does.0 -
YAAAAAAAY!!!! \m/Just break up.0 -
you'd be surprised at what a few rounds of "rock paper scissors" can solve.
or maybe get a dog?0 -
It sounds like you both want different things. It might be time to move on.:flowerforyou:0
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Completely stepping outside of value judgements of this man (that's really for you to decide), what is important here is deciding what you WANT and acting on it. If having a family is important to you, if it is something you really and truly want but is not something he wants, then regardless of whatever other compatibilities you two share, you are fundamentally incompatible. If this is the case, it's no one's fault, it's no one's failing, simply a different alignment of priorities.
Evaluate how important this is to you, and why. Once you can answer that question, go from there.0 -
Move on...it sounds to me like you want different things in life; why should you give up on ever having children b/c he is dead set against it? This is a lose-lose situation. You would wind up settling and resenting him later b/c he refuses to budge on something you want. You sound ready to commit; he's using you as an excuse not to commit. He's not the only one out there. I do not believe there is only one true love for each of us in the world...I once believed this and my heart was broken when my engagement was broken by my fiance. Boy, was I surprised when I met my husband now, we married after only 42 days and we've been married for 23 years. We are soul mates, I couldn't have every hoped for someone as perfect for me as him and me for him.
Don't settle; wait for the REAL right one! He's still out there!0 -
I think the most important thing to consider here is the fact that he is trying to guilt you. He won't marry anyone other than you? Seriously? I bet if you dump him, he will find someone else to cling to. Sounds like he has issues.0
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Completely stepping outside of value judgements of this man (that's really for you to decide), what is important here is deciding what you WANT and acting on it. If having a family is important to you, if it is something you really and truly want but is not something he wants, then regardless of whatever other compatibilities you two share, you are fundamentally incompatible. If this is the case, it's no one's fault, it's no one's failing, simply a different alignment of priorities.
Evaluate how important this is to you, and why. Once you can answer that question, go from there.
THIS ^^^^
The most important thing I've learned from relationships in my 20s is to not put other people in charge of my life decisions. This means not letting a man stall my life as an individual.
Do what is best for you based on your experience and common sense. If he's not looking like a good investment, it's because he's not a good investment.0 -
You may love each other be best friends and what not but you obviously want different things and that make you not compatible. To have a successful marriage you have to be moving in the same direction and have the same goals. Its a partnership. That in my opinion is why more then 50% of marriages fail, because people love each other and try to excuse away the other very relevant factors.0
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If he is inflexible on having children and that is what you really want, it is time to find someone else. He sounds like he has a lot of excuses for not giving you what you want. Life is too short to waste your time.0
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It sounds like he likes to call the shots in the relationship.0
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somewhat similar but different scenerio, I divorced @ age 30 because my wife at the time decides 4 yrs into our marriage that she doesn't want children. At first I thought "maybe this is just an easy way out for her because she wasn't happy with the way our life was going" 13 yrs later, I am remarried with 2 step kids and a lil girl of my own. She is remarried with no kids. Glad I made that decision!0
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I think kids are the real issue here. If he doesn't want them and you do then this is not going to work without one of you being bitter.
As far as the time limit for dating before marriage goes... I am shocked at how many people are against 5+ years of dating before marriage. The marriage certificate is just a piece of paper. Nothing has to change. I was with my SO for 6 years before I asked her and then we didn't do it for another 2 years. We have been married for 13 years now so a total of 21 years together. There really is no difference in our relationship before or after marriage with the exception of a bunch of rug rats.0 -
if he doesn't want to marry after 5 years, don't buy into the argument that he will 6-8 years. Its BS. Look, you said you are 30. If you want kids, you can't wait for this guy to marry you years down the road (which he may not do anyway). You need to look out for you.0
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I think kids are the real issue here. If he doesn't want them and you do then this is not going to work without one of you being bitter.
As far as the time limit for dating before marriage goes... I am shocked at how many people are against 5+ years of dating before marriage. The marriage certificate is just a piece of paper. Nothing has to change. I was with my SO for 6 years before I asked her and then we didn't do it for another 2 years. We have been married for 13 years now so a total of 21 years together. There really is no difference in our relationship before or after marriage with the exception of a bunch of rug rats.
I don't know if it's about being "against 5+ years of dating before marriage"... It's the fact that this man has basically stipulated that he will not marry before dating someone 7 years to a decade. If marriage is just a piece of paper to you, then of course you feel this way, but to people who place a priority on marriage, I don't think it's unreasonable to balk at that kind of time frame.
I've been with someone almost eight years now without being married, so I get the "just a piece of paper" mentality, but I can also completely understand why someone wouldn't want to waste that kind of time to find out that their partner was just stalling.0 -
I have to disagree. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 9 years now, and neither of us want to get married. Does that mean we have commitment issues? No. It just means we are perfectly happy the way things are now. It works for us. Just because a man (or woman for that matter) doesn't want to get married after dating for a year or two doesn't mean they aren't fully committed. I have heard so many times by friends and relatives that things change after the wedding - regardless of how long you've been living together or dating.... I don't want that.If five years isn't long enough for him, he has committment issues or else he really is just not that into you and he'll marry the next woman he dates. He's probably never going to marry you. Sorry to be so blunt, but that's what it sounds like.
I disagree with this; this is something that could change. I had a best friend once who hated kids. She would ask to be moved in restaurants if she was placed near a child, and when she and her husband first got married and had cookouts, she told her husband not to invite anyone with children. Her daughter will be 4 next month, and she couldn't be happier - a planned pregnancy (not a surprise) as they had to really try to get pregnant. People do change.You want kids. He doesn't.
People don't change things like that. Move on.0 -
I have to disagree. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 9 years now, and neither of us want to get married.
If you don't want to get married to begin with, then your situation isn't comparable to the OP's.0 -
I think kids are the real issue here. If he doesn't want them and you do then this is not going to work without one of you being bitter.
As far as the time limit for dating before marriage goes... I am shocked at how many people are against 5+ years of dating before marriage. The marriage certificate is just a piece of paper. Nothing has to change. I was with my SO for 6 years before I asked her and then we didn't do it for another 2 years. We have been married for 13 years now so a total of 21 years together. There really is no difference in our relationship before or after marriage with the exception of a bunch of rug rats.
I don't know if it's about being "against 5+ years of dating before marriage"... It's the fact that this man has basically stipulated that he will not marry before dating someone 7 years to a decade. If marriage is just a piece of paper to you, then of course you feel this way, but to people who place a priority on marriage, I don't think it's unreasonable to balk at that kind of time frame.
I've been with someone almost eight years now without being married, so I get the "just a piece of paper" mentality, but I can also completely understand why someone wouldn't want to waste that kind of time to find out that their partner was just stalling.
I guess my point is that people should place a priority on a loving, committed relationship and not on marriage. Some may argue they are the same and ideally they should be, but I have seen many friends meet someone, date, get married, and divorce in the time my SO and I dated.
Again, the real issue for the OP is kids so she should probably move on or poke a hole in the condom.0 -
If a man flat out says he doesn't want kids, why on earth continue a relationship? In hopes of getting pregnant and "trapping" the man? I am of the firm belief that parenthood is difficult enough people who proclaim " I never want kids" should not have them.
I have to disagree. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 9 years now, and neither of us want to get married. Does that mean we have commitment issues? No. It just means we are perfectly happy the way things are now. It works for us. Just because a man (or woman for that matter) doesn't want to get married after dating for a year or two doesn't mean they aren't fully committed. I have heard so many times by friends and relatives that things change after the wedding - regardless of how long you've been living together or dating.... I don't want that.If five years isn't long enough for him, he has committment issues or else he really is just not that into you and he'll marry the next woman he dates. He's probably never going to marry you. Sorry to be so blunt, but that's what it sounds like.
I disagree with this; this is something that could change. I had a best friend once who hated kids. She would ask to be moved in restaurants if she was placed near a child, and when she and her husband first got married and had cookouts, she told her husband not to invite anyone with children. Her daughter will be 4 next month, and she couldn't be happier - a planned pregnancy (not a surprise) as they had to really try to get pregnant. People do change.You want kids. He doesn't.
People don't change things like that. Move on.
And to marry somebody expecting that is going to change is VERY unfair to all parties involved. Including a possible unborn child.0 -
I have to disagree. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 9 years now, and neither of us want to get married. Does that mean we have commitment issues? No. It just means we are perfectly happy the way things are now. It works for us. Just because a man (or woman for that matter) doesn't want to get married after dating for a year or two doesn't mean they aren't fully committed. I have heard so many times by friends and relatives that things change after the wedding - regardless of how long you've been living together or dating.... I don't want that.If five years isn't long enough for him, he has committment issues or else he really is just not that into you and he'll marry the next woman he dates. He's probably never going to marry you. Sorry to be so blunt, but that's what it sounds like.
I disagree with this; this is something that could change. I had a best friend once who hated kids. She would ask to be moved in restaurants if she was placed near a child, and when she and her husband first got married and had cookouts, she told her husband not to invite anyone with children. Her daughter will be 4 next month, and she couldn't be happier - a planned pregnancy (not a surprise) as they had to really try to get pregnant. People do change.You want kids. He doesn't.
People don't change things like that. Move on.
She wants to be married. SHE wants kids. It's not that they both don't want marriage and they both don't want kids. Your comparison fails. If she wants to be married and wants kids then she should have that. There are plenty of men out there that do.0 -
I guess my point is that people should place a priority on a loving, committed relationship and not on marriage. Some may argue they are the same and ideally they should be, but I have seen many friends meet someone, date, get married, and divorce in the time my SO and I dated.
Again, the real issue for the OP is kids so she should probably move on or poke a hole in the condom.
I can understand that - I just think the OP's boyfriend is creating arbitrary rules that don't make a lot of sense. Unless he's trying to stall as long as he can without saying "I never want marriage". Which is obvious to me...
I agree though. If you want kids, it's a really poor decision to date someone who doesn't and hope he changes his mind. There is no more divisive an issue than whether or not to have children.0 -
He's saying he never wants kids and he wants to wait 10 years to get married. It sounds like he's waiting for someone better to come along and if no one comes along in 10 years he'd consider marrying you. And he doesn't want to have kids because then he'd be stuck with you.
Tell him he's free to do what he wants but you're going to do what you want and what you deserve. Leave his indecisive *kitten* and go find yourself a real man. One who will love you and be happy to commit to you. One who wants the same things you want.
It will be hard to move on, but you will be happier in the end. You will be stronger because you had the strength to leave and go for what you really want out of life. You both want different things. If one of you gets what you want, the other doesn't. He may be a nice guy but you're fundamentally incompatible.0 -
I was with my ex six years before marriage, a year into the marriage he announced he didn't want children. I told him he had five years to change his mind or I would have to consider moving on, eventually he did. Our daughter is almost four....and we are divorced.
There are no sure things....he may change his mind he may not. He could change his mind tomorrow and it still not work. you have to decide if the risk is worth the reward or punishment.0
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