Cheated on, and got through it?

redheaddee

Regretably (sp?), I can speak from the cheaters perspective, as well as from a psychologists perspective.

What people often forget, is that cheating is a symptom. People who are in healthy, happy marriages do not cheat because they have no reason to do so. When infidelity occurs, something has gone wrong in the marriage. (And please do not misconstrue this as me blaming the person who was cheated on.)

For example, I cheated on my first husband within the first year of a ten year marriage. I cheated on him multiple times. I am currently in my second (and final) marriage, and six years in I have not even had a thought to cheat on him.

My first husband was a huge introvert, to the point of ignoring me. He is the stereotypical Leo, all about himself. Add sci-fi geek on top, and I was ignored for ten years with Star Trek in the background. I would beg him to pay attention to me. Trashy outfits, Klingon outfits, ridiculous sex acts, you name it, I tried it. To no avail. Sadly, in my youth and general stupidity, instead of leaving him (which I was afraid to do because we have a daughter I felt I could not raise alone), I sought attention elsewhere. Hence Chuck, Kevin, Steffan, and one dude whose name I am failing to recall. Absolutely not the right way to handle things; however, I felt justified because he was not fulfilling my needs.

Thankfully, I am now wiser, smarter, and more mature (S/N: do NOT get married at 19). Yes, people can and do change: only when THEY want and when THEY are ready. Not when YOU are ready.

My hubby and I are 6.5 years in and still the annoying couple who finishes each others sentences, kisses in public, and all that mooshieness. I get what I need from him (and I certainly hope he would say the same!) and have no reason to stray. He is a hard working man who is an amazing father and an attentive lover, as well as being my best friend and partner in crime. Could I forgive him if he did cheat? Possibly. It would most certainly involve counseling, and that would be the deal breaker. We all make mistakes, and it is important to learn from them.

All this to say...(long-winded much? LOL)...if someone has cheated, before making a final decision, I recommend counseling to try to figure out what has broken within the relationship and can it be repaired. It takes two to make a marriage succeed, but it also takes two for the marriage to fail.

Now, let the flame throwing in my general direction commence.

MommaKit79

I have told my husband from DAY 1, if he decided he wanted to be with someone else he better tell me. I would deal with it and it wouldnt be easy but, I would much rather he tell me and us move on from that, separated most likely, then to have him cheat on me. I told him just this: My dad cheated on my mom numerous times when they were together and when it finally ended, she was DEVASTATED to find this all out...and humiliated. And, i will NOT go thru that myself.

My husband cheated on his ex wife and I told him we could be together but, I would NOT stand for it!!

Cheating is forgivable but, not forgetable and we wouldnt stay together if that happened!! :-)

GOOD LUCK thru your situation!

Corsetopia

i think i may have just came up with a genious business idea.....myrelationshippal.com

deb3129

Yes, I have been cheated on. It was after being married for 7 years to a man that I considered my hero. I have dealt with a lot in my life, but this was by far the hardest. I am a strong woman, but this absolutely almost killed me. I always said it was a deal breaker too, but it turned out not to be for me. Now I am two years out from the incident, still married, and believe I made the right choice. It has been VERY hard, but we have gotten through it and our marriage is strong.

MikeM53082

My husband has cheated on me so many times when we were first married. Alot of people would have walked away,however I believe that marriage is till death do us part. I have cheated myself and we have been through so much..ex:death of a child..We acutally divorced and remarried and now our marriage is almost picture perfect. I do feel as if people can change if for one, they want to and two, you have to be willing to let the past go. Now, would I go through it again, heck no! But again like I said, it has made us stronger and more in love than ever...We were married very young, I was 17 him 21.. I take it since you created this post you must be facing a cheating issue. I feel your pain and wish you the best.....however, please know, I am living proof, you can survive just about anything:)

You should have totally cheated on him back. Call me!

skinnybitchbarbie27

My husband cheated on me in January with two different women. One he was having a "relationship" with. It came out in the beginning of February when girl#1 sent me a facebook message. It was very difficult for me. These women were quite larger and I was sure that it was because I had lost my weight. I was willing to work it out when I found out. Hell, I already knew. For weeks he wasn't acting right, hiding his phone, he just wouldn't admit it. He made me feel like a crazy person. When it finally came to light it was almost a relief, I wasn't insane. I was willing to work it out. The next day my girlfriend *who happens to be a mutual friend of girl #2* shows up to take me to sympathy taco bell. Here is girl#2 in the car and I am like WTF. She admits to me that she's also had one sexual encounter with my husband. I go bat**** crazy.

I kicked him out of our house immediatly. It actually got so heated the cops had to come mediate. He took a backpack of stuff and that night I packed a suitcase of the rest of his clothes and he came and got them. Because he had burned so many bridges he had to sleep at his work (the airport). After a week of cool down time I texted his phone. I had been called by his boss to inform me that he was eating basically what he could fend out of a machine (our airport is too small and only has one "higher end" restaurant) and hadn't showered. I texted him that he could come back to the house, have a hot meal, shower, and we could talk. I needed answers. He was hesitant to come over but he did. We calmly talked and was up all night. He wasn't doing the typical take me back I am sorry baby bull. He was just asking me to give him 6 months to prove to me that he could be a different person. I wanted to be with him, I have shared 5 years of my life with him at that point and so I told him we're married, We are either in this together or we aren't. He came clean that night that he was trying to spark back up with girl#1 out of desperation but immediately gave in to all my terms. The phone got shut off, he was going to sex addicts anon for porn issues, he was going to therapy for himself and we would go to couples therapy.

It has been a tough year but we are surviving through it almost better than before. It is funny, when I watch shows like cheaters I am still like AWW HELL NO SHE TOOK HIM BACK!? but I forget that when put into that situation it is more than what meets the eye. In therapy he explained to me it was always some sort of fantasy that in reality was a nightmare. He is still dealing with it on a personal level, as I am. I trust him however this takes time. We may not have internet at our home and he has decided to have a phone with no internet access but we are heading in a better direction everyday. I will not say our marriage has been perfect, but the man I fell in love with finally came back.

ShreddedTweet

Never been cheated on by anyone and it's not something that I would ever accept or forgive.

ETA: If people would stop getting married so damn young in America this wouldn't happen so often!

fbmandy55

Once a cheater, always a cheater. You forgive them once, its license to keep doing it.

This. And for women who think their spouse doesn't or won't cheat again, he just found a better way to hid it. Or he will find a better way to hid it.

I was in denial about the first few times. He cried like a baby and I genuinely felt his regret. He did everything he could to make up for it... But he did it several more times, including WHILE I was in the hospital with our newborn.

Never again will that fly.

azzkikin

What if she thought you cheated but you didn't? With all who believe that once trust is gone its gone. How do you get her to see otherwise? I guess there is a reason that she won't believe... some other reason.

ChaseAlder

Deal breaker. I'm a very trusting person, especially with my husband. If he cheated on me, that total trust would be gone in a flash and I couldn't imagine living life in a constant state of suspicion.

Sarah_Wins

Was cheated on once, left his *kitten* immediately, fought off his advances for years afterward until he finally realized I was serious.

odusgolp

I suggest a real therapist's office, not a Chit-Chat, Fun, and Games forum.

MikeM53082

I think it's all about the "free passes".

OK, he cheated on you.. now he should give you a free pass to shack up with whomever. Then you are all square.

love4fitnesslove4food_wechange

Cheated on after nearly 5 years -H.S. sweetheart. We didn't make it. I felt disrespected, disgusted, and I could NEVER EVER TRUST HIM AGAIN.I figured that there are TONS OF MEN WHO'D NEVER TREAT ME THAT WAY....so I moved on. His loss.

ryansgram

I just divorced a serial cheater. Tried to work it out but he kept on doing it.

kramalicious

In my profession I saw a lot of this, and it can be devastating to someone. Devastating as in, 'totally ruining the life they had, their self esteem, and how they interact with people. "
People going through a break up can go through the stages of grief, too. Many get stuck in ' anger".

It CAN be overcome, but requires lots of couples therapy with a very good therapist. Both parties must make a commitment to repairing the relationship, and even then, it takes a long time to repair trust and it isn't pretty along the way. There's still lots of stuff you have to work through.

If the other party won't go, YOU go to therapy-- it's hard to make enough progress to have a new healthy relationship without it.

If someone out there is thinking of cheating because the 'spice" has gone out of their relationship, ask yourself if you would be willing to marry the person you want to cheat with, or if you would be willing to divorce due to it. If not, consider why not and ask yourself if you really want to do it.

When a married person who is also a father/mother cheats, it's even worse-- it's devastating to the family unit and the kids are collateral damage.

Good luck to anybody going though this. And no, I'm NOT a therapist.

Ghkffb56

Not a person i know who has not cheated... family is broken cause it. Mom dad sisters brothers all cheaters.. everyone acts like its ok.. sister tried to make me lie to her dude the other day about some flowers ..bertstare.jpg..

ILiftHeavyAcrylics

It depends. On you, on him, on the circumstances. I used to think I could forgive anything but then my ex husband cheated and it turned out that I couldn't. Of course the fact that he said he wasn't sorry and he wanted to keep seeing her was part of the equation. The only thing I would say is to make sure you give it enough time and thought before making a decision. The last thing you want is to rush.

Schraudt814

I have been - and to me I could forgive eventually but never forget. With such a destruction of trust it's very hard for a healthy relationship to flourish. I'm not saying it's impossible. But I think many times when the relationship takes that kind of strain, it's inevitable that it will breed jealousy, suspicion, revenge, etc. unless BOTH parties are committed to the relationship and working it out.

lour441

Thanks a lot corn63. Believe it or not, I'm a person with real feelings and I've been badly hurt. But no, I'm not a fruit loop or a troll. Keep moving....

Look. People suck. People do stupid things. People do mean things. People do things for no reason. The only thing you can control is your response to them. You can choose to allow them to run your life with their reckless abandon OR you can charge them to the game and move on.

Seriously, good luck. Life is tough enough without asshats, but y'know. They're everywhere.

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